Aibu to ask what your pets online dating profile would look like?

[nethunsinthatway]

My dog would be:

Handsome chap seeks female for long walks, bottom sniffing and cuddles. Naturally a little needy by nature, I can guarantee that I’ll
Give you lots of attention. Am a bit of a mummy’s boy, but am sure my happy charm (and ability to chase a ball) will win you over.

Elegant sophisticated feline seeks underling to devote time and attention to my every whim. You will be rewarded with my tolerance as long as you respect that I am in charge. Canines need not apply

My cat
Reubenesque tabby with beautiful green eyes seeks mouse tennis partner. Must be able to spend a mad half hour batting toy mouse back & forth on back of the sofa as human staff proved unreliable if Eastenders was on. Affectionate, but only when knackered & napping , otherwise, I'm busy, leave me be.

Fat, fluffy and looking for fun. Likes balls and cheese. Own teeth and fur.

Cat 1 - Beautiful curvaceous tuxedo lady of a certain age, with sleek coat, plenty of cattitude and stunning green eyes seeks partner for play and pampering. Enjoys expensive cat food, dairy products and spirulina. Very partial to Dreamies.

Cat 2 - Energetic young chap with tuxedo markings, deceptively serious expression and a twinkle in the eye seeks friendship possibly leading to serious long-term relationship. Must like frogs and bouncing. (As have springs in place of back paws.) Very partial to Dreamies. Not bothered about what I eat as long as there's plenty of it.

Handsome orange tabby seeking a cat who will give my humans plenty of affection so they (and their little human kittens) will leave me to grouch about in peace. Note - should I see fit to allow them a fuss and on very special occasions choose to occupate their lap you will move immediately without complaint... warm sleeping place in front of the TV is mine.

My dog:
A delightfully nice but dim lab seeks quiet companion to share walks and humans. Must be able to share food, treats and sausages at all times. Slightly vocal ability preferred as I spend ages standing in silence at the door before they let me back in . Ability to spend evenings sleeping, snoring and snuffling a must (farting optional). Training re queuing priority at mealtimes will be given ( you will be second in line).

Elfboss:
Gentle old man, loves female company. Attentive and affectionate. I will share my biscuits, although I will be most put out about it. I make good puppies, just please keep them away from me while I nap - I am too old for any more parenting malarkey. The sofa is mine - also the hearthrug.

Smallelf:
Go away! There is a pack of dogs in my house, and I just want them all to go away and leave me to worship the master in peace. I have no interest in other dogs since a visit to the vets when I was younger. GO AWAY.

Spanielf :
Pick me! Me! Me, me, ME!!!

Elfpup:
Do you move? I will bite you with my needle teeth and hump you, whilst breathing heavily! Oo, a [feather] (distracted, bounces away, ears flapping).

My dog
Small independent flame haired beauty seeks similar sized companion - large dogs need not apply - for short walks, lively runs in the park and long morning lie ins. Must be willing to compromise over sleeping arrangements: I'm on the sofa, you're on the floor and my favourite bed is not for sharing. No puppies.

Handsome young man not really seeking companionship. Complicated situation as I live with another female but we are more like brother and sister but she likes to snuggle and I spend my time avoiding her. I will go out and come home as I please and act as if nothing has happened and expect you to do the same. Friends describe me as nonchalant. Don't waste your time replying to my ad as I will probably ignore you anyway.

Handsome redhead with long eyelashes, loves women (well, mummy), seeks companion who appreciates muddy walks and fine dining. Will do anything for treats..

Curvy blonde babe with curly hair seeks someone to cuddle up to. Detests long walks but likes to lie in barley fields and sing. Dislikes getting paws wet and all forms of water but enjoys lying on conservatory sofa to sunbathe while staff bring tidbits. Needy, and a bit of a drama queen due to previous emotional trauma but full of love to give now child has grown up. Mutual grooming appreciated. Separate sleeping arrangements may be preferred by applicants due to loud snores and noisy dreams.

Friendly super loving caring adventurous curious open minded energetic male with gorgeous brown eyes and glossy hair seeking either petite or extra large male or female partner for rolling in the mud and constant cuddles not fussy loves all

Will you be my friend? Are you my best friend? You're my best friend now. Let's be next to each other forever. I love you. I love you already. You're the best EVER. Hi. I like you. Wow you're amazing. You smell like happiness. Hi. Hi i love you. Hey!

(DDog, who reminds me of Donkey from Shrek)

Athletic, outgoing redhead seeks sporty companion with whom to chase birds, squirrels and leaves.
Enjoys rolling in interesting smells, long hot bubble baths and squeezy cheese.

TooManyPaws- she sounds adorable

This is the kind of thread I wish we had a Like button for! SilverOtter [gorgeous].

Mature northern breed possibly willing to tolerate a placid Meek male who take the blame for my digging and will put up with my utter asshattery. I Will not share food and will drink all the water if I think you want some. Gobby, stubborn, uncouth and ill mannered. In fact sod it, don’t bother I’m a bit of a bitch especially if your a collie. My only redeeming factor is my love for humans any human will do I’m not fussy.

Portly ginger tom seeks similar for cat fights in the garden at 3am, dreamies and attempts on human life by endeavouring to trip them down the stairs.

Cat 1: I am a friendly and happy older boy. My hobbies are eating dreamies, looking out of the window and sleeping. I like loads of cuddles and we could curl up on the fleecy blankie together.

Cat 2: I hate every strange cat, if you even dare come into the street I will sniff you out, hunt you down and try and kill you. If you don't believe me then look at the chunk out of my ear that some other cat trying to come onto my territory gave me. It was worth it to chase the cheeky bastard away.

Attractive dark young male seeks dainty female for fun and frolics. Appreciation for velvet jumpsuits and jelly-based food a must. I enjoy moonlight, fetch and making humans jump up from their chair.

DDog1

Bubbly and vivacious blonde with beautiful curves seeks partner for sniffs and giggles. I will do anything to keep you happy, literally anything. Just love me please.

DDog 2

Tall, dark and handsome hairy male seeks nice smelling female. Would prefer sofa while you sit on the floor so stroppy bitches need not reply.

Great thread

Sleek glossy black male cat seeks a new human to provide food whenever I shout for it. Also needs to properly appreciate all the gifts I bring home and be able to put up with my mood swings. Can be very affectionate when I have a full belly or am cold. Cats - DO NOT APPLY.

Pretty much Just this..!

You know those reality TV clones you see on Take Me Out, muscles rippling through tight shirts, trendy clothes from All Saints, look like they spend their lives either in the gym or doing their hair and all the girls go bleary eyed and weak at the knees?

But turns out later on they're actually thick as mince mummies boys with nowt upstairs?

That's my D(ickhead)Dog.

Eternally single.

Good looking male of doubtful pedigree seeks outgoing broadminded female.
Must be tolerant of my need to hump anything and everything.
Pansexual - male, female, dog, human or cushion are all desirable to me.
Can lick own balls.