AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

@Pityparty4one I am broken

You are doing incredibly. For you, your ex, your other children and your DS too.

Hold tight - you know it's the right thing to do, your ex feels exactly the same.

Your DS has to engage, as you said, or face the consequences.

I can't imagine how fucking tough this must be for you - it's unthinkable all you've been & are going through.

Hope you get a good night's sleep, and that tomorrow brings better news.

Sending you a big virtual hug.

I'm so sorry it has come to this, OP.

Your heart must be broken. I hope you actually get some sleep. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon have little helpful acronyms (I know I'm like a broken record) for self care. Something I found very useful was HALT - am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Mostly I was just incredibly anxious because I just didn't have time to assess if I was anything else, but it did help me to make time for myself to eat and think about how I was really actually feeling. (Usually all the feelings to be honest.)

You've done the right thing.

@Pityparty4one
Well done I’m so sorry it came to this but you have tried everything else.
My brother didn’t get proper resources until we couldn’t pick up the pieces anymore (cancer, newborn & other stuff). It was both frustrating and wonderful to see that the system could work but only after we were forced to step aside. I hope the system kicks in for your son & your family gets time to recover.

Can't believe the police said 'what do you expect us to do'! That's for them to determine, plus they know him by name, they know what he's put you through. Thinking of you

Morning.

I hardly slept but did manage to get Dts settled and just got them up for school.
I was in two minds about sending them but I think they just need to do a normal thing today.

Does anyone know if I can call the station this morning to see how he is?

I need to know if they called the duty social worker and if they are going to collect him this morning. I spent most of the night crying. It's nearly Christmas ffs we should be a family. What if he wont engage and ends up on the streets?
We have a huge homelssness crisis in this city I see it daily and I am scared to death he will end up in that situation.

Yes, you should be able to call. Just be firm about him not coming home.

You've done exactly the right thing. By your son and his siblings and for yourself.
Trying to avoid getting to this stage was helping him mask it. Now you'll hopefully get help from support services.
If he can mask behaviour at friends houses, he stands a good chance of being able to act appropriately in supported housing. Good luck

Call 111 and you can ask for details about your son this morning (at least thts how it works in my area, to contact local station)

Just thinking of you, OP.

OP, I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug ever.
I believe you and ex have done the right thing. You've done what the whole family needed.
Yes, call the station. Hopefully DS will be showered with support now.
And please also get a docs appointment for yourself. You need care too.

💐💐💐💐Sorry. I hope things get better soon. X

You are absolutely amazing. You are so so strong. Today is another day and you have made a massive life changing step since you started this thread. Keep strong and stick to your guns, don't let them bully or frighten you in to taking him back into your home. You absolutely cannot go back to the way you were. The next part is going to be incredibly hard for you, second guessing yourself, feeling guilty but try not to. This needs to happen to get your son real help and ultimately the rest of your family. Side note get rid of the blaming boyfriend, he is not doing anything for you.

Thinking of you too op
You've totally did the right thing.

Something needs to break before it can be fixed.

This thread is heartbreaking OP.
I know that I would be in a similar position to you if it were not for the intervention of CAMHs and a particularly fantastic child psychiatrist who helped my family when we went through similar (albeit my son was a lot younger than yours).

But, your son's behaviour patterns sound similar to my son's. He has autism (Aspergers) and his behaviour spirals when he is anxious about something. Trashed the house, violent etc.
I wonder if there is a possibility that you could pay for a private assessment (even though it disgusts me to even suggest it).
I was fortunate enough never to have to do this but recognise that CAMHs in other areas is not as good as it was in mine (our school was total shit though).
Just an idea.
I can't imagine what you are going through (altho in reality I can because at times it felt like calling the police was our only option) so your heartbreak is palpable. At times, I felt like I was broken (still do in some ways). And the lack of support in this area from friends and relatives makes you feel so isolated. Because it is outside their realm of 'normal' so it comforts them I think to think that it is you as parents that cause this.
I'm rambling.

Oh OP,
So hard to read.
So painful for you.

No family is just about one member.

No family can be dominated by the needs of just one person.

Sadly I absolutely think your son needs to be out of your home permanently.

Of course that is painful, however, it is the best thing for your family.

You have made the right decision.

Wishing to strength 💐

OP, I take my hat off to you and your exDH you have done your very best for your son and been let down at every turn. I hope he can begin to get the help he needs and that you and your family can begin to heal.

Pityparty - I'm so sorry - reading your thread has been heartbreaking.

Your so-called boyfriend is a shameless victim blamer and needs to be kicked to the kerb, honestly. I'm disgusted at his response and, while I know you see him as your outlet, he HAS to go - he's just not worth your time and energy at all.

I'm sorry that it has come to this with your DS1 but you have, as has been said by many, been let down so often by cuts to services, cuts to funding, and lack of understanding.
Your DS clearly does need help, way beyond what you can give him, but with all services stretched to breaking point it's unsurprising that he has fallen through the cracks, like so many others.

I really hope he can get a decent MH assessment, that will come up with something more concrete than anxiety and depression - he needs a better, more accurate diagnosis so he can get more appropriate help and stop him self-medicating with cannabis.

I know you feel broken and I totally get that but you ARE amazing, you ARE strong and you are still here and still trying to help your family.

I hope you get all the support you actually need

Thank you all so much.

This thread has kept me going.

So I went to work but have come home. Luckily I have a work from home option and I am on induction so they are pretty relaxed. I dare not tell work what is going on I am 2 weeks in to a new job!

Police called. Nes officer taken over want to clarify things.
Basically despite it written in the statement that DS cannot return home he wanted to try and work it out with me!!

I staxed firm. I pointed out that if this had been my DH and not DS would they be telling me to accept my abuser back in to the home?
I explained again the last 6 years.
The multiple agencies.
Lack of support.

It's like I have to keep justifying all we have done and tried to do for DS but that we have been let down.
Tbf the PC softened and said he understood but did not know what to do with DS as he will be due for release.

So again I explained that as a vulnarable homeless minor they must contact child ss who legally have to take responsibility.

I cried as I cannot bare to think of DS sat alone in a cell feeling that we don't love him.
I asked the PC who is interviewing DS today to tell him we love him but he is too dangerous to live with us. The PC said that it states the same thing on dad's statement from last night.
We really do love our son.

@Pityparty4one as tough as it is, you've done the right thing. I hope your son will now get the help he needs.

It's a shame it has to be done that way, but it appears that's how the system works these days

Well done for standing firm. All the authorities will try and get him off their hands onto yours because that is easier for them because of lack of resources. However, keep in mind that if even one of them had stepped up years ago, you might not be in this position now. Keep standing firm and don't have him back - I know that this is breaking your heart (have experience of the agony) but you have no choices left now. Being subjected to such violence is not safe, for you or your other children. You have no choice. 💐

Feeling for you op and hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel for you and all your family

pitypartyforone you have been an amazing mother trying your best for all your children. Another voice telling you to stand firm, you took the only option available.
As for your ‘boyfriend’, at least the timing has done you a favour. Your ds1 is out of the home so your headspace will be better to meet a genuinely nice guy rather than sticking with him.

I have had to collect DC from school.

They were struggling. Ex made the school aware of what's happened and they have had the DC in nurture and have been supportive.

DS1 in his room on xbox. I know some may disagree but I just think he needs time to chill out.
DTs are doing arts and crafts...paper mache I have no idea why I chose such a messy activity 🙈
I have explained that DS is still with the police and safe.

They don't hate him today. They still love him.
I am just waiting for them to call me after they have interviewed him.

I have not thought about BF once since last night.
He has text a few times but I don't have the head space to even look at the texts

Sending you a hug.