AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

Oh Queen I am so sorry you struggle too. Please accept a hug xx

This thread has been a godsend tbh. The support and advice has helped so much.

I have had some helpful PMS too. You lot are bloody brilliant.
I have distracted myself with MN today posting elsewhere just to shift focus

GP appointment will be made tomorrow and I have promised myself that if I feel as bad as yesterday I will call the Samaritans.

I think it sounds like an undiagnosed sen. My nephew was the same and all the people saying Ops son is addicted, well. My nephew would be addicted to something right now if he had not got a diagnosis and started to receive some help.

Also the being behaved at anothers home is masking. Like asd kids do at school all day and then let it all hang out at home.

No offense, op but push for tests and a diagnosis. It also sounds like mental health also. A high no of drug and alcohol addicts and those in prison are there because they self medicated for mental health problems and/or sen.

Op push the gp to get referred to a paediatrician and/or a psychiatrist that specialise in youths.

It will be worth it and will save you years of grief to come.

Young person's housing isn't going to work.

It's either you phone the Police on your Son, or someone else will.

I lived a similar situation with my DD. Phoning the Police on her was the best thing that I did, because she had started to think she was untouchable.

It's better that it happens before 18. The Youth Justice System can make CAMHs relook at the situation what worked for my DD was then going into the Adult system.

Your other children have been living in a Child protection situation and I think you've failed to recognise this.

My DD couldn't behave in other situations like your Son could. The fact he won't carry on in front of your ex military relative, shows he knows what he is doing.

You are living with DV, would you tell another woman to not phone the police?

I know this isn't the point of your post and I've not read the full thread, but OP please consider getting a prepaid prescription. It is around £10.40 a month so will save you lots , especially if your asthma continues to be a problem (mine always is in the winter)

OP you sound amazingly strong and I’m sending you .

If you haven’t already, it might be worth your posting on either the SEN board or adoption board. Both with have people with experience of dealing with some of the behaviour you describe and they’ll be able to offer a sounding board, support and possibly advice.

You and your ex sound lovely.

It's either you phone the Police on your Son, or someone else will.

Phoned them countless times they know him by name.
Arrested last Sunday at 5pm for trashing his dad's house.
At 4am they were knocking on dad's door saying here you go he's been released.

The Youth Justice System can make CAMHs

Youth offending welcomed by us at 14.
And begged for again at 15.
They were useless.

Your other children have been living in a Child protection situation and I think you've failed to recognise this.

Nope we saw it years ago when we begged ss to take DS away. They refused but said they would take the other 3 and leave DS.
Since DS was 16 ss and the police openly agreed we were living in a domestic violent situation and DS is the abuser.

You are living with DV, would you tell another woman to not phone the police?

As I have detailed on this thread a few times we have called them out at least 15 times since he was 14. Last Sunday was the most recent.

Please stop trying to shame and guilt me.
We have done our best for 6 years. We have turned to begged and pleaded with everyone to help us.

@Pityparty4one glad you have a plan in place. Keep chatting on here - ppl can be a great source of support & advice.

I have no idea how to PM, but if you need a shoulder, give me a shout!!

As @Pityparty4one has repeatedly shared all the ways they have involved police, CAMHS, SS, etc, either RTFT or don't be such an arse!

Don't be that person!

OP ignore anyone who clearly hasn't RTFT - you don't need them piling on.

I feel some people think I'm dismissing OP's son's problems by saying he's an addict - I most definitely am not. As I said, there isn't an addict out there that isn't trying to block something out. But addicts do follow similar behaviours and when you're stuck living with them, it can be helpful to be part of a support group for those affected by a loved one's addiction. Even to rant or cry with people who know exactly what it's like to be frightened in your own home, and trapped in a situation not of your choosing.

OP when he's arrested is that the end of it? Are there any court proceedings or anything?

Hi all.

The twins are back with me.
He kicked off again within 10 minutes of being at his dad's.

Dad called the poluce then brought the twins to me then went back home.
DS had ran off. Police took some info.
15 minutes later he walked back in the house begging for help.

Dad called me and put me on loud speaker.
We both made it clear he is no longer welcome in our homes. DS was in the police van.
As of this point he is a homeless vulnerable 17 yo.

The police asked me what we expect them to do.
I advised calling the duty social worker as he is a minor and vulnarable due to MH.
I said to raise it as a safeguarding.
Ss will now have to step in and give him a social worker who will collect him from the station tomorrow.
They will find him accommodation or he will be on the streets.

I informed the police of the last 6 years all the people involved and the violence.
She assured us she will not bring him back like last week.

They are now deciding cell or hospital.

We have tried so hard to not get here but he has left us with no choice.
I just pray now we have stepped away ss will do their job and help him.

I am broken

I know this is harsh, can you kick him out? Would he then have his own flat etc one he declares himself homeless? I’m not sure on age thresholds etc

Ah OP sorry I posted just before seeing yours. Rest assured you have made the right choice for you and your family.

Just did Coco.
It's harsh but has had to happen.
He is ss responsibility now or his own if he refuses to engage.

Stay strong op- I have so much admiration for how you are handling things and being so brave. Sending hugs.

Sadly I can't say I'm surprised to hear authorities in the past haven't been more helpful. I wonder if there is something like schizophrenia or SEN there. Funding for all help is all but non-existent at the moment.

I really don't see what else you could have done op. I've seen people on Mumsnet before saying that the last resort was the making of them or people they knew. I'm also full of admiration for the way you've been handling things. Good luck.

OP nothing practical to add but and . It sounds as though you've fought so hard to help him, for so long. I'm in awe of how strong people can be when they have to be, but it's reasonable enough to ask why you have to be that strong.

I hope they have good news for you in the morning.

That must have been so hard, but it's all been hard since your boy was 11. Really hope this works out and the rest of you can lead quieter and more predictable lives.
Your boyfriend is not worthy of you.
Finally - I think you only get prescriptions infrequently - it might suit you to wait until you know you'll need several items and get a 3-month prepayment. It's a much smaller outlay than the yearly one and if you time things right you can have a gap of a few weeks in between prepayments.

Well done stay strong

Ex just came to mine to reassure the twins and give them a hug.
He gave a statement and explained we do not want to criminalise our son we just want him helped.
Ex is devestated. Today is the 4th anniversary of his dad's death.

My poor family.
The twins are surprisingly resilient but I wish they did not have to be.
I have been totally honest with them and explained as best I can the possible positives for DS which may now happen.

They are very angry at him and I have said it's OK to be but in the end he is ours and he needs help so we must try to love him.

I have no fucking idea if I am doing any of this right. I am just waiting till they are calm enough to go to bed then I will collapse I think.

DS 15 IS at his aunties so thankfully has missued all of this.

I get it pity - similar situation for me several years ago. He ended up in prison, but came out a different person. No trouble since, and I am proud of him for turning his life around. You have done the right thing - once he is in his new place you can reach out and help him. Just maintain your boundaries and don't let him come back. 💐

Thank you for the prescription advice shoes I think that would be a good idea.

Thank you for your kind words queen coco purple everyone on this thread as helped me so much.

Pityparty4one I am so sorry to hear you self harmed. I hope the GP will be able to help you.

This must be so tough for you.

@Pityparty4one just got to the end of your thread and see you have told him he is not welcome in your home or your ex's home. well done. I feel you ahd no other choice. Please do not allow anyone to make you feel bad, you did what you did for your safety and sanity and that of you children and your ex.

Just as an aside your boyfriend is a total arse and i am so sorry. but your ex sounds like a brilliant, fabulous man. i am so sorry he is grieving the loss of his dad today also having to deal with this with his son. But I hope tonight you can all sleep well.

@Pityparty4one, I just read the thread a previous poster linked to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3563331-Reporting-my-17-son-to-the-police-for-theft?pg=1

It's very long but basically a similar situation to you, an older child with many issues and a younger child. The poster starts out by wondering about reporting her son to the police (as in the thread title) but then discusses telling him to leave.

In the end she does tell him to leave and the last couple of pages of the thread have some useful comments from the OP about what she experiences. Plus some people who are knowledgeable give some advice on the situation.

When you are feeling stronger and OK it may be worth just reading from the last post on page 7 as it echoes your situation and may be of use.

Bless you, dear lady, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(when I say just read I meant I read it earlier today before seeing your update!)