To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

[outofthedarkshadows]

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

Neither is wrong.

Dd was though.

Ok, 3yo do make inappropriate comments and sometimes we want to crawl into a hole because of them. We also correct them.
But that doesn't mean that the person they've hurt by being rude isn't allowed to also express this to the child. In fact I sometimes think they respond better to strangers blunt reactions of disapproval rather than parents.

The good news is that hopefully you're DD will think twice now before making such a blunt comment that is unkind.

Sorry but the difference between a 2yo and 5yo is obvious to anyone who has working eyes.

But that doesn't mean that the person they've hurt by being rude isn't allowed to also express this to the child. In fact I sometimes think they respond better to strangers blunt reactions of disapproval rather than parents

Surely that only teaches them if someone says something you dont like you just be horrible back. Thats not the right message is it?

Surely from the POV of a three year old, all adults are big?
Or if a child's mother is 5ft 2, then a woman who was 5ft 10 would be a 'big lady'. Same as if their father was 5ft 6 and they saw a man well over 6ft, but I suspect people would be getting less upset over 'big man'.

Things like that happen with kids. You were right to correct her. Maybe this has brought to light that you may need to explain what's ok and not ok to comment on more thoroughly. No doubt it probably made the woman embarassed. I don't think it was any more proper for her to refer to your child as "it", but that's on her. I'd say make sure your child knows that comments on people's appearance is unacceptable. Just keep reminding until it sinks in. All you can do.

Also - all the horror at the woman using the word "it" - it isn't always completely clear which gender a small child is. Even long hair and a princess dress aren't certain indicators.

Then you use “they” or “them”.

“It” is just rude. And implies the child is just a thing rather than a person.
The woman comes out worse in all of this just for that comment alone.

Would you like to be referred to as “It” if someone couldn’t tell if you’re a man or a woman? Would you be ok with someone talking about your loved ones like that?

Sorry but the difference between a 2yo and 5yo is obvious to anyone who has working eyes.

My eyes work fine as long as my glasses are in place, so we will have to agree to differ.

I think this is a case of you assuming the same knowledge and familiarity with a subject that you, and the people you normally interact with, take for granted, which is an easy trap to fall into.

It's ridiculous to keep insisting that people can't possibly understand children without some special knowledge about child development.

Well I made that comment about educating herself because she quite clearly lacks that basic knowledge about children if she’s getting upset about a 3 year old describing people around them.

Even people who never have contact with small children, I’d still expect them to know that 3 year olds think very differently to older children and to adults. So yes, anyone who doesn’t know this should probably go and study child development so they don’t get so offended in the future.

I was out with a friends daughter when we past a very disabled lady. She was also deformed. The girl I was with VERY LOUDLY said hahahaha hahah. Look at that lady. She looks SO WEIRD!!!

I was mortified. My children have known a lady since they were born who is Down’s syndrome. So have always known that some people look slightly different. So have never questioned it. I had to explain to my friends daughter that we never say that about someone.

My 2 year old brother once commented loudly "that man looks like a monkey". Tbf he did but we were both embarrassed and I immediately apologised. We discussed it and he then learnt that it can be rude to comment on appearances and that we don't always need to say what we think as it can hurt peoples feelings. Until a child makes an innapropriate comment how are we supposed to address it?

A grown woman calling a child "it" to a mother's face is way ruder than a three year old describing a woman as big. Even in the context described here the woman was unbelievablly rude, the toddler was clumsily rude.

Children say these things, they are told its not a nice thing to say and eventually they learn but at 3 years old she probably didn't mean anything by it.

I am really very fat and work with small children, I get comments about my size but they aren't said in a "ewww you're fat" way, its just pointing out something they have noticed, I gently explain that yes I am but some people might be quite upset if you talk about their weight, mostly the child hasn't meant to be rude. 3 year olds point out all sorts of things, how are they meant to automatically know pointing out a big lady is any different to pointing out a red car or a big bus or whatever?

Also (sorry.. just thought of this) “big” to a toddler usually has positive connotations (eg “aren’t you a big girl helping tidy your toys”) so why would she think it a rude thing to say.

Bolly who said being horrible back? But if a child says "wow your big" or comments about someone that way there's nothing wrong with them knowing they need to learn manners or being told that by the receiver of the insult.

But actually being unkind back can sometimes work. I'm not saying stoop to the level but you often hear responses such as "I may be fat but can lose weight and you'll always be a judgemental cunt" being a I aged here as a response. That's hardly polite.

But it is effective

Surely from the POV of a three year old, all adults are big?

I really wish people wouldn't be disingenuous. It's not like the child is waking about like something out the borrowers pointing at all adults saying they are big, as I'm sure the posters who are claiming faux innocence know.

So this woman was bigger than average, either height, or weight. Something that made the child notice her to be bigger than an average woman in her view.

Effective and righr arent the same. I imagine smacking is effective but i wouldn't do it. Teaches them shite all.

bluntness like i said my child doesn't have a concept of "fat" big to him just means big. Elephants are big. Some people are big. Cars are big. Some dogs are big! He doesnt mean fat. Any 3yo who knows all about other words for "fat" hasnt been parented very well imo.

OP, your child's manners are perfectly appropriate to her age and stage of development. By apologising, you would have been implying that the 'big' must have meant fat, not tall, thereby risking the woman taking further offence and making the issue bigger than it needed to be.

The woman was very rude to refer to your child as 'it'. She must have been able to see that you had spoken to your DD, even if she couldn't hear what you said so she knew there was a good chance you were explaining the social convention to your DD.

Calling a child mannerless is goady, unpleasant and unnecessary.

I would put this down to you having been unlucky in encountering an intolerant and unhappy person and not take it personally.

You were not in the wrong in any way.

Only read first couple of pages
YANBU, she's THREE and 3 year olds are just toddlers and learning - they blurt all sorts out!
Older children on the other hand should know better and rude lady would have a point.
"It?" WTF's that all about?!
If you hadn't have pulled her up on it (your dd that is) YABU but you did tell her not to and that it wasn't very nice to say that.

Many years ago, my niece called out to a passing man 'what happened to your hair; did the wind blow it off? ' ( she is now 60 !!)

She's 3. She said something factual. Its not as simple as teaching a child not to comment on appearances - they know that a positive comment is fine. They should probably know that negative words such as 'ugly' are not ok. But 'big'?! If a tall man was walking past that would have been ok.

there is an enormous difference between a dc who has just turned 3 & one who is nearly. different children develop emotionally & socially at different rates -rather like their physical development! Op dealt with it well & I think the woman's attitude & reaction was silly - if some dc had made a comment like that about me & especially if I heard dm correcting her I would shrug it off & ignore it -if the dc was older (say over 8 or older) they might have got the death stare - if they were over 12 - than if it sounding like it was meant to be offensive (& they weren't it a big group!) I might have reacted -usually by raised eyebrow & "really???"

doh! nearly 4!

All children do this at that age,

No they don’t. Maybe a lot, but you can’t say that ALL

So, what's the actual issue? The fact the woman commented to you?

Yes, because how dare she, as OP wrongly thinks that her and her DD weren’t in the wrong.