To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

[outofthedarkshadows]

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

The 'it' was uncalled for. This woman sounds like she could do with taking her own advice.

As a "big woman" myself I know how often we are insulted and that something unintentional can still be incredibly wounding. While I would not respond as this woman did, I can imagine her reaction came from that place of hurt and you, as an adult, should have dealt with this better by apologising and telling your DD she should not comment on appearance while she was there rather than letting the woman walk away upset and angry

My children have said similar and I have told them it's not kind. It happens, they are little and learning. She was rude but she was presumably insulted so just a snap reaction.

skinny/fat/coloured/white/pretty/ugly/old/young people are entitled to walk through life without comment

FYI, coloured is a racist term.

You could also have been much firmer (and louder) in chastising your DD

If an explanation would suffice, no decent parent would loudly chastise a child for the benefit of an onlooker.

Children don't need to be told off for making mistakes, they need to be educated about them.

The OP's DD has done nothing wrong and giving her a roasting just for show would have been very unfair and confusing for her.

The child was making an observation. She is too young to realise it was a hurtful comment.
The woman she commented on needs not to call people 'it'. She is an adult and should know better.

I've never known children to make such comments to/about strangers, so I can see why she retorted.

Have you never MET a 3 year old?! My son once screamed 'Monster!!!' in horror at the top of his voice and pointed at the poor man with dwarfism coming out of a shop. He was 3 and had never seen somebody who looked that different. It prompted an apology and a discussion about people coming in all shapes and sizes.

It took a bit longer for his brother to stop commenting with interest on people's weight, height, colouring etc. From what I've encountered amongst their peers, it's a developmental thing.

...and I'm commenting as someone who (as a young adult) had horrendous acne. Several times I had young children in the street and in other's homes, ask me what was 'wrong with my face'.

Yes, humiliating, but I never blamed the kids or their parents for the children's lack of tact and sensitivity - it takes time to learn that!

@Poppinjay Absolutely!

3yos do this. I apparently at that age commented on a black person, yup terrible white mc naice upbringing, not negatively just 'Look mummy that man's skin is a different colour' type thing...
I can understand the woman's response though, calling a small child it was not pleasant but she probably gets nasty fatphobic harassment daily.
I would have been more obvious about telling the child not to make personal comments, and cast the poor woman an apologetic look.

Good for the woman

Oh come on, the child's 3, it's not "good for the woman". Pretty much every adult knows that children have no filter at 3 and just blurt things out. The mother told her not to.

An adult, however, should have enough of a filter not to call a child "it" - that's deliberately dehumanising a child from someone who should know better.

I'm a size 18. If children that small ask me why I have a big tummy I tell them I eat too much. It's a factual comment, unlike refering to a human as "it".

Oh come on, the child's 3, it's not "good for the woman".
I agree. The child has done nothing wrong. To a three year old, big means big, if an adult is offended by that then it's because they have issues themselves. The OP did the right thing explaining to her DD quietly that she shouldn't comment on appearances rather than loudly telling off a three year old child for an adult's benefit. The woman was horribly rude.

Nothing wrong with the woman responding, but referring to dd as ‘it’ was a bit inappropriate. Are you even sure she said ‘it’? If you muttered to your dc that it wasn’t nice, the woman may not have heard you so thought you were letting the comment pass.

@outofthedarkshadows

YABU. And it's good to see that the majority of people think that.

She is only a very young child, but you REALLY should have said to your daughter, 'please do not comment on peoples looks like that!' And then said sorry to the lady. You were very much in the wrong for not doing that.

Calling your child 'it' was a bit off, but if your DD is old enough (and intelligent enough) to make the observation that a lady is 'big' (very loudly in public,) then she is old enough to be called out on it.

And your DD did mean fat, and as some posters have said, it's very hurtful and upsetting to have it pointed out when you are overweight. So the woman was probably just snapping as she was angry at the comment. Someone said the little girl was just 'making an observation.' I am willing to bet that she wouldn't make a point of commenting on someone's appearance if they were slim.

I also agree with the poster saying people are wrong to say 'we ALL comment on peoples appearances!' Speak for yourself! I don't go around pointing at people and making comments about their appearance. Speaks volumes about some of the people on here that they do that!

And finally, people need to stop assuming that everyone's kids have said 'rude' things to people. Mine never bloody did. And if they had, I would instantly have scolded them for it, and apologised to the person they insulted.

I don't think it's a case of either of you being in the right or wrong tbh. It was a very rude comment and probably really hurt her feelings, she could be very self conscious about her weight and in fairness to her i'd have been really upset too and probably reacted in the same way by giving you a similar look. Obviously you can't help if your 3 year old makes such remarks other than try and educate them it's not ok. You dealt with it appropriately. Just let it go and make sure she knows not to say such things again.

I'm honestly surprised that people find a comment from a 3 year old so upsetting that they think responding by calling the child "it" is just "a bit off".

I'm fat - I know I'm fat. It doesn't come as an identity shattering shock if a small child notices. I don't walk around thinking everyone sees my size 18 body through funhouse mirrors and thinks I'm a size 6...

If an adult called me fat to insult me I might well be upset, but if a 3 year old says it to her mother I'd rather smile ruefully and carry on with my day - an adult falling over themselves to apologise and"scold" the child would draw unnecessary attention, make it into a big deal and make it worse!

Little children blurt things out. 99% of people have some awareness of this due to either having children or child relatives or remembering younger siblings etc.

I doubt many people are genuinely upset by anything a 3 year old says, are they? It's adult reactions that cause the upset.

My children are 7,5 and 3 and have made all sorts of comments in innocence, not just about size but also about race too. Never anything awful, just observational. The worst one was when DD saw a lady who was small and overweight with white hair and she burst out laughing then said she looked like Father Christmas- luckily the woman was out of earshot when she said it. I obviously told her it's not kind to make comments like that.

For Mumsnet you'd think none of you have met small children. They are not only highly observational but they are learning about the world, about differences etc. It's how you handle it as a parent that's important.

A teenage boy threatened to “bang out” my 4 year old ds today , because he asked the boy once, who he was on the phone to.

Small children do forget themselves, but teenagers and adults know full well how to control their own behaviour towards a small child.

funinthesun19 bloody hell! I'm glad the teenagers I encounter aren't like that! Even back when I was teaching, including my first school which had just come out of special measures when I started, teenagers were pretty indulgent of small children or likely to tease them a bit and say something like "father Christmas" or Spiderman... That teen's response wasn't normal IME (no longer teaching teens but a parent of teens)!

Children say what they think it's noones fault. Her response was inappropriate.

I was caring for a ten year old autistic child.We went to the park because he loved climbing frames.Whilst there he fancied a womans icecream so he just went and took it and then...the woman was amazing .She recognised that he was autistic and we laughed while he enjoyed it.

Kids say stuff like that. If it’s the first time they’ve done it, you can only reinforce to them afterwards it’s not considered kind. If it’s an observational comment about colour, size etc then it’s not correct to scold a child, explaining why they shouldn’t say it is important, not making a child feel like they’ve made a terrible awful mistake which justifies you yelling at them. My little boy saw a very old lady in a shop and asked loudly - ‘what is that, it is so old and small’. He was 2-3 years old. I told him not to say stuff like that. He’s grown into a lovely kind young man. I didn’t need to shout at him to get the message across - it kind of defeats the message about being mannerly.

Don’t worry about it
The child is three and is only learning awareness
From someone who is obese

Your child is 3, stating a fact. Whilst not nice it is just one of those things and as they grow and are appropriately guided they learn not to.

No it's not nice to be on the receiving end and a quick apology is more than enough. She should be adult enough to realise that younger kids just say it as it is.
My own 3yo has recently announced to an entire xray waiting room that Mummy is having pictures of her broken booby....... it was a statement and not meant to upset me, just a fact.