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To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

304 replies

outofthedarkshadows · 23/11/2019 11:05

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1358 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
namechangeididtoo · 24/11/2019 18:22

I’m really fat if I hear a child say something I smile at the parent to try and alleviate their embarrassment I have four kids so know they do sometimes blurt things out. It does still hurt me though

user1471590586 · 24/11/2019 18:30

Kids of that age have no filter, my daughter did similar at that age. Calling your daughter 'it' was far ruder, though I would have apologised on behalf of my daughter.

funinthesun19 · 24/11/2019 18:35

notnowmaybelater No not normal at all. His parents have done an amazing job Hmm
I know teenagers can find small children annoying and boring, but a normal teenager wouldn’t react like that.

misspiggy19 · 24/11/2019 18:42

Oh come on, the child's 3, it's not "good for the woman". Pretty much every adult knows that children have no filter at 3 and just blurt things out. The mother told her not to.

An adult, however, should have enough of a filter not to call a child "it" - that's deliberately dehumanising a child from someone who should know better.

^This. The adult woman should grow up

Cloglover · 24/11/2019 18:49

All people are big to 3 year olds. If you are so fragile that you are offended by the words of a 3 year old it's best not to leave the house.

MummyMayo1988 · 24/11/2019 18:52

Oh OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately children are blessed with speaking their minds with absolutely NO filter what so ever.
They speak as they find! Especially at 3 years old.
You stayed a lot calmer than I would have in your place - "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING IT?!" springs to mind.
YWNBU - you corrected your child immediately; that's all you can do.

As for all the negative responses you've had - you should all be ashamed of yourselves! The little girl is 3! Dont tell me you've never thought a bad thing in your lives! 🤨🤔
Every parent has had to deal with something like this! Its curiosity not negatively on the little girls part!

Chin up OP you did the right thing!


Ttcbabybennett · 24/11/2019 19:22

Just to point out both sides of the argument really, the child is 3 and they do this, it’s funny, cute, normal and can sometimes be embarrassing, we all agree on that much.
Adults have an instant reaction which is fuelled by our own inner child, it usually comes out when we’re hurt, angry, upset, and yes embarrassed, especially if it’s a sensitive issue for us. I am fat, yes I would laugh if a kid said I was fat/big/ a giant etc but on a bad day deep down it would probably make my heart sink a bit from the self esteem issues I have. So I think the adult just reacted poorly because deep down she was hurt. I don’t think we can blame her for that because we don’t know her self esteem issues.
But as a mum yes I’m sure you’d have then have YOUR instant reaction to defend your DC!
Crazy how a split second interaction can cause so many emotions!

proudbrows · 24/11/2019 19:23

Children that age are prone to blurting out all kinds of things based on their perception of what they are seeing. My son went through a (thankfully short) phase of doing this....once, in a shop, he saw a very elderly gentleman, stood right next to him and said really loudly ‘Look at that man Mummy! Look how old he is! That’s the oldest man I’ve ever seen! I bet he’s going to die soon!’😫 and on another occasion, very excited to be seeing a Sikh guy looking resplendent in a turban...’Look Mummy! A Genie!’😫 It is embarrassing but an apology to the person in question and a little chat with the child is all that’s necessary and thankfully it doesn’t take long for them to stop doing it!

Henrysmycat · 24/11/2019 19:46

First, it’s “WOULD HAVE”!!! Come on.
Secondly, mannerless child at 3? I had no idea this place was full of people that were articulate and with the social nous of a 45 year old aged 3!

Justgorgeous · 24/11/2019 19:53

Since when did we all get so insulted by a 3 year old ?

Fififerry1 · 24/11/2019 19:54

When my youngest DD was about the same age she said something similar whilst in a supermarket with my DM. I genuinely have no idea why as she had never said anything like it before. My DM was mortified and told my DD off. For about 2 years after that my DD became extremely embarrassed and hid her face every time she saw someone who was was on the larger side which was actually worse.

Luk3r335 · 24/11/2019 20:07

What concerns me here is that a 3 year old doesn't notice gender, skin colour, etc. So where did she hear a comment like that to repeat it?

Justgorgeous · 24/11/2019 20:14

@Luk3r335 Very young children say what they see.

LaurieMarlow · 24/11/2019 20:16

a 3 year old doesn't notice gender, skin colour, etc.

Erm yes they do. Where did you get that from?

Attitude84 · 24/11/2019 20:18

Lol!!! My two have said such things when they were small!!!! It’s just kids. It must have been horrifying for that woman but for her to address you and your child in that manner was out of order. Kids will be kids.

ManiacalLapwing · 24/11/2019 20:18

What concerns me here is that a 3 year old doesn't notice gender, skin colour, etc. So where did she hear a comment like that to repeat it?
A comment like what? One using an adjective? Parents add adjectives when speaking to children all the time, it's about modelling language. 'Look at the BIG BROWN FRIENDLY dog' and so on.

LouanaEN · 24/11/2019 20:32

Toddlers are very perceptive and very honest its nothing to do with manners.
And if she is that bothered about being called big then she should go have a word with herself. As for calling a toddler IT OR MANNER LESS both are way more offensive!!

Wintersleep · 24/11/2019 20:35

@Luk3r335 oh come off it 😂😂 I'm tall and broad, kids call me 'big' a lot, my DD especially is obsessed with growing up to be really tall, except she doesn't say tall, she says big, as in big and strong.

Anyone that gets so worked up over what a toddler says needs to have a word with themsleves and not take out their own insecurities on a child by calling them an "it"

Rainbow · 24/11/2019 20:48

Everyone is assuming the child meant fat. She said big, not fat. My DC have said things similar to that in the past. I've just talked to them about it. Sometimes apologised, sometimes not, depends on the situation.
TBH, I find the woman a lot rider. Knee jerk reaction or not, you don't call a child "it"

FelicisNox · 24/11/2019 20:55

There's no right or wrong here.

Children say what they see and "manners" come in time when they understand other peoples emotions, at 3 years old that is only just starting to happen.

It's not enough to teach her it is rude, she needs to understand how it makes others feel.

The woman was hurt and reacted badly, she should not have said "it" but we all say things in the heat of the moment.

Move on.

Wills · 24/11/2019 21:30

I HAVENT read all the way through - shouldn't be mumsnetting as have a meet with Son's SENCO at 9.15 tomorrow, BUT..... the advantage of your child being only 3 is that 'most' people will forgive/forget! However I have 3 (have 4 in total, though I'm not sure why i feel the need to explain that!) on the autism spectrum and my son, at 13 years (notice that's year's not months!) still makes statements like that. I've noticed that I've developed a reflex like response to cover my son's mouth, when out in public, before my brain has actually worked out what he's said. Sometimes (that's a sometimes that means on the rare occasion) his input is actually positive and I've stopped him saying something lovely which of course leaves me racked with guilt at being such an oppressive over the top mother. However more often than not its negative and even the sisters on the spectrum will breathe a sigh of relief when my hand comes up to cover his mouth! Hey we all have bad days when we're more sensitive to what truths little ones utter - forgive, forget and keep reinforcing the 'that's rude' and the 'we don't say things like that in public out loud' and thank the stars that its unlikely you'll still be saying it when your child is 13!

Devora13 · 24/11/2019 23:09

Not sure why she should get upset about a child who, in typical childlike way, makes an observation. She must know she's 'a big lady' so it should hardly come as a surprise.


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angelfacecuti75 · 24/11/2019 23:23

As a larger woman I'd have been hurt by this. So kinda understand why she made the comments she did. You should have apologised again . But I acknowledge the woman was rude too.

Pigwig10 · 25/11/2019 07:50

My DS (about 5 at the time) saw a Muslim lady fully dressed in black with only her eyes showing. He was wide eyed and said, loudly, "Mummy, is that lady a Ninja?" I was mortified. However, the lady stopped turned and I could see by her eyes she was smiling. I told my DS that the lady wasn't a Ninja, that it was in her religion to dress like that. The lady actually apologised to me and asked if she had scared him. I apologised to her and told her that he thought she looked like a Ninja, which is a pretty cool thing for a 5yr old. We all went on our way... my DS absolutely convinced he had had a close encounter with an actual Ninja Grin

Aridane · 25/11/2019 10:52

But that's cute - unless he said she was a fat ninja

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