To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

[outofthedarkshadows]

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

Re your post title OP, why do you think you weren't in the wrong?

I’m a bit tired of really weak ineffectual parenting. It won’t hurt your child to tell them off occasionally

I must say that I do agree with this statement.

You should have immediately apologised to the woman. You could also have been much firmer (and louder) in chastising your DD. The woman maybe needed to hear that you actually cared here. No, she shouldn't have referred to your DD as "it", but she could well be very self-conscious about her appearance and your DD's comment could have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Three year olds are still learning social etiquette and what is acceptable. It takes time, Rome wasn't built in a day. They can and do upstage you and no, they aren't necessarily out to cause offence. They can easily cause offence though, and that is where you must step in firmly. If they need pulled up on something, especially regarding their behaviour towards other people, you have to be quick off the mark. You have to apologise to the people concerned, and remember that there is no harm in a public telling off for a three year old. None at all. I did it myself on occasion where it was warranted, and I have seen others do it too. My kids seem to have somehow survived and grown to adulthood just fine.

But topseyt she didnt need telling off... your kids may not be scarred but youve probably wasted a lot of your own time.

You should have immediately apologised to the woman

Yes, she should, but don't really blame her for not immediately apologising and letting her know that actually, yes she had told her it was rude when the woman had called the child "it!"

Omfg I was only talking about this the other day :') apparently when I was about 3 I walked past a lady and asked why she was so fat, my parents were mortified and the more they squeezed my hand the more I shrieked. I'd say under the age of 4 or 5 kids don't really 'get' it and just say whatever they're thinking, they don't get that they're being rude

She is 3. That's what they do, remember the saying 'from the mouths of babes...? She is NOT mannerless and to call her an it is despicable.

My daughter did this sort of, this chap pushed in front of us in a queue outside tescos (cash machine queue) my daughter (3) was outraged that he did so and commented I said that's fine he is probably in a rush 🤷‍♀️ shrugged it off she then said it's not like they are going to run out of FOOD tescos have plenty OF FOOD I managed to shh her down but he was very red no she didnt call him fat but he really was overweight and her references to food could have been taken badly

She was three she learned

Your child is being a normal 3 year old. I once, at about 7 months pregnant, had a little girl say in a very loud shocked voice "Mummy! Look at this lady! She's got a great big huge ENORMOUS fat tummy!" Mummy was mortified, I thought it was hilarious!

I think you were both wrong.

OP, I think you should have apologised to the woman.

Yes, of course your 3 year old DD would not understand the social niceties of not commenting on people’s appearances negatively but that doesn’t change the fact that it was rude and may well have been hurtful (the fact that other posters would not have been upset is irrelevant, as it is something which could cause upset and quite clearly did). OP’s DD cannot be held responsible as she didn’t understand but OP should have apologised as she does.

Equally, the lady should probably not have called the little girl “it” but I imagine she was upset and lashed out. She may just have been a bit grumpy, but then again maybe she really struggles with self-esteem or had to psych herself or something similar. This may just have been the straw that broke the he camel’s back.

However, I don’t really understand the hysteria re calling a child “it”. Not nice, but doubt OP’s DD will remember it.

jacks she wont remember it so its ok

Im sure the woman will forget what the dd said in that case then.

3 year old DD would not understand the social niceties of not commenting on people’s appearances negatively

What dd said wasnt negative

at 3yo your DD is plenty old enough to understand you don't say things like that

Blimey. 3 years old? I suppose your niece is off to Harvard next year then with her supremely superior intellect and emotional intelligence.

Meanwhile in the real world, 3 year olds are barely out of babyhood.

The woman was rude. She's the adult and should have acted like one. Teach "it" some manners? Really?

Time to start teaching your daughter it's not ok to comment negatively on other people's appearance Big isn't negative. Fat is (though objectively true of a lot of people).

Why is the emphasis here on how the 3 year old needs to learn manners ( from some posters?) Yes,you have to teach your children what it is acceptable to say,what it isn't and why.
But as an adult ( like the woman) you should already have learned that small children sometimes make inappropriate comments,and to be kind and self controlled about how you respond to this,because they are little children.
Surely you ignore a 3 year old,or respond nicely at their level.Even if it touches a nerve ,because you are the grownup.

I don't think your child should have apologised because she did nothing wrong. She said "that's a big lady" she was a big lady, she didn't say anything rude. She didn't say that's a fat lady. When I was pregnant children at playgroup said I had a big belly several times, I did. We have a really tall dad there, children of teen point at him and say he is big, he is. The other day a child pointed at me and I said I had a pink scarf on, I did. My daughter said my hands look sore, my skin is playing up. I worked in Sen for years, if a child stares at one of the wheelchairs or a cane we always say would you like to come and have a look. It's natural development for a child of 2-3 to comment on visually interesting aspects. It isn't rude. Its sad that the woman feels that unhappy about her size that a baby of 3 staying she was big has meant that's she felt it necessary to be rude about a small child.

Gosh she’s only 3! Calling her ‘IT’ is so terrible.

Obviously that wouldn’t have been very nice for the woman to hear but children of that age have absolutely no filter whatsoever, they are very descriptive little people. She’s the adult in this situation and should act like one.

I have 3 kids one who’s already gone through that awkward 2/3 stage and one right in the thick of it. Trying to get them to do anything at that age is like herding cats 😂 all you can do is what I did and gently correct each time. They learn eventually.

Referring to a human being as "it" is generally recognised to be hostile and dehumanising. Remember the psychopathic killer in Silence Of The Lambs saying "it puts the lotion on its skin" to show how he saw his victim as an object and not even human?

Think about that. What kind of person has that kind of attitude towards a small child?

If the lady was big then she wasn’t being rude just saying what she saw. At 3 she’s learning what is socially acceptable and it’s tricky. We spend a lot of time telling our children to tell the truth, lying is bad and then we expect them to understand that sometimes the truth is rude or hurtful to others, it’s still true though.

at 3yo your DD is plenty old enough to understand you don't say things like that

Hahaha my mum who as a child was well educated, took elocution lessons, never spoke unless spoken too, always held her mothers hand in the supermarket and has probably never sworn in her whole life has admitted when she was a toddler she embarrassed her mother by saying something inappropriate about a stranger in public.

When DC1 had SALT at 3, one of the ways to develop his language was by building up sentences. "Look at that dog. It's a big dog. It's a big black dog". DC1 wasn't the kind of child to make audiable observations (hence the need for intervention)

Big is a well used adjective and a 3 year old doesn't have the social subtlety to know that 99% of the time it's fine (e.g. big dog), but occasionally a sensitive person will interpret it as rude. Often children are called big, and haven't they grown as a form of praise. It's not a word with a consistently offensive meaning, far from it.

It can unfortunately take some cringy experiences for some young children to learn what is an acceptable observation and what is best kept in their heads. Fortunately the subjects of DC2's observations such as the man with an amputated leg took it well and had a lovely conversation with him and laughed when DC2 followed up with an awed "was the doctor angry?" as he puzzled out why a doctor would cut someone's leg off.

When he has blurted something out, it's always been quietly discussed after, and a loud performance parenting approach can risk far more embarrasment layered on for their "victim" on top of the original comment.

A 3 year old has reasons for being socially inept. The woman who was commented on and responded back in that manner was far worse than a 3 year old. She was knowingly rude after choosing to interpret "big" as a personal insult.

The overreactions on this thread are mental. She's 3

OP YANBU and the lady has clearly taken her own insecurities out on you both. Try to think no more about it

This is coming from me, the weird lady that kids like to point out for multiple reasons, everywhere i go. I'm constantly reassuring mortified parents

I didn’t speak quietly to My dd in those scenarios because I wanted the other party to know I was handling it. I might have responded out loud with “isn’t it great that people can look all sorts of ways, but it isn’t polite to comment on someone’s appearance”

I can't say mine ever did this- I don't think it's natural or has to be expected. I'd imagine she would have been less miffed if you'd audibly said it, not muttered it.

DS who is 7 walked up to a stranger and told him smoking is bad for you. I was mortified. Luckily the guy thought it was quite funny.

It's mortifying when they make comments like this isn't it? You have my utmost sympathies. If only they were perfect little automatons that we could control however at the age of 3 I think we can give your child a little bit of rope.

Well I have to say this makes for an interesting read on a Saturday night

I bet you got more than you wanted OP when you posted this thread 🤣

I dont get u asking if you are being unreasonable? U already said on your post you had quietly told your dd not to say it (suggesting u knew it to be unreasonable). So yes I agree with u it was unreasonable but u already know/said that. She is young these things happen but skinny/fat/coloured/white/pretty/ugly/old/young people are entitled to walk through life without comment as u said it was unreasonable for her to comment. U told her that. Where is the issue as the lady said teach her manner like u did by telling her not to comment. Seems u and the lady are on the same page. "Teach manners" "I am and I will" end of. Your dd was unreasonable u corrected it and are therefore not unreasonable. The lady agreed your dd was unreasonable and told u to correct which u already had. No biggie. Bit embarrassing for all. Not worth dwelling on.