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AIBU?

To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

304 replies

outofthedarkshadows · 23/11/2019 11:05

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1358 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
49%
You are NOT being unreasonable
51%
KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 12:57

Secondly, you do not teach a child that public shaming is wrong by loudly and publicly shaming them for what they said in innocence.

How is it 'shaming' the child to say "I'm sorry" to the adult?

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Irisloulou · 23/11/2019 13:05

They speak the truth at three.

I’d just correct her so that the person heArs next time.

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ReanimatedSGB · 23/11/2019 13:13

Oh FFS. Three year olds say rude things sometimes. They do various things they shouldn't because they are three-year-olds. Parents just apologise and move on - what else should they do? Batter the kid in public to prove how 'strict' they are really?

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Thefaceofboe · 23/11/2019 13:13

I do feel sorry for the lady. You shouldn’t be fat shamed while out in public and it doesn’t matter on the age of the child, she was probably absolutely mortified. I imagine she reacted without thinking

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Lifeisabeach09 · 23/11/2019 13:14

The child was 3 years old. They tend to state the obvious and lack tact. This comes with time.
I'd be more annoyed the lady for calling my child 'it.' Where are her manners?!

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Butterymuffin · 23/11/2019 13:16

Both were rude, but one is a 3 year old who hasn't learned all the social niceties yet. What's the adult woman's excuse?

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Happymum12345 · 23/11/2019 13:19

The lady called your dd ‘it’. What a nasty woman. She’s 3 & she will learn but I don’t hold out much for that woman if that’s how she speaks!

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Moondust001 · 23/11/2019 13:22

I agree that it was you that was at fault here. Your daughter may not be old enough to understand the nuances of manners - but you are. You should have apologised to the woman and corrected your daughter after doing so. I can certainly understand that you may not have appreciated her comment to you, but your daughter said something very rude and unmannerly, and could have caused real hurt. I've had it happen to me (although usually by older children and teenagers) and it really hurts. I have a disability, I can't help being overweight, and the nasty and spiteful comments that are made by people who think they have a right to comment really are cutting. To be honest, I wish I had the courage to do as this woman did and tell people where to get off with their comments. Good on her - she's right. Get your own house in order before you comment on other peoples manners.

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Goldenbear · 23/11/2019 13:22

KittenLedWeaning, well seen as you are on Mumsnet and on a thread about a child's behaviour it's a good place to learn about the impulsiveness of young children which would in turn improve your tolerance and understanding of them as your expectations of common courtesy from a 3 year old are a little unrealistic!

When children refer to people as 'big', 'pretty' 'old' etc.their observations IME are not very accurate. For instance, when she was very little my DD thought blonde = pretty, she is not blonde so she declared herself 'ugly'. My children are 12 and 8 and both think their Dad who has just turned 38 is 'Old', he really isn't old, particularly compared to some of the dads around where we live with children of the same age. In his workplace- architecture, people are having their first or have toddlers now, when they find out he has a 12 year old, they are shocked. The reality is he is not 'old' in our context but my kids say this all the time. My point is, you shouldn't feel hurt if a 3 year old tells you you are big as it's probably wildly inaccurate!

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 13:22

Parents just apologise and move on - what else should they do? Batter the kid in public to prove how 'strict' they are really?

But the OP didn't apologise.

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 13:26

Goldenbear Thank you for your explanation - you sound like a considerate and thoughtful person. As I mentioned upthread, in that situation I certainly wouldn't have been rude to the parent or the child - I'd have ignored it. It would be the parent I would judge for not apologising, rather than the child.

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Goldenbear · 23/11/2019 13:31

Yes, I agree with that, personally I would apologise straight away as it would have been my instant reaction.

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Supersimkin2 · 23/11/2019 13:33

Why didn't you apologise? Poor woman, no one deserves insults from randoms in the street.

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OneDay10 · 23/11/2019 13:33

My 3.5yo ds knows already not to pick on people in that way. That lady was right, teach your child manners. Anyway tell your child that the lady's reaction was angry because she did something unkind.
You already seem to think you weren't in the wrong. Why? because you think shes just a wee baby Hmm

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CustardOmlet · 23/11/2019 13:35

Why does anyone have to be in the wrong in these kinds of situations? YABU to think someone has to be wrong. It was a negative interaction, you continue to teach your daughter social development and the lady will consider how children in society view her and make a decision based on that. Move on.

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EleanorShellstrop100 · 23/11/2019 13:37

@KittenLedWeaning because your being unnecessarily confrontational and rude is great manners Hmm

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 13:39

EleanorShellstrop100 Where have I been rude?

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CustardOmlet · 23/11/2019 13:39

And my 3.5yr old DS has barely developed his communication skills so I will no doubt be teaching him social etiquette at 4. I anticipate some awkward interaction.

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funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 13:41

Yanbu. There is a big difference between a 3 year old making a comment and say, a 10 year old.

Of course you’re going to teach your child to use manners and you probably do already. But here’s something very interesting....
3 year olds can end up forgetting!! It’s within their nature. The woman was being ridiculous and annoying telling you how to parent your child.

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NameChangeNugget · 23/11/2019 13:45

YABU. How bloody rude

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AloeVeraLynn · 23/11/2019 13:45

You can't put concepts like "fat shaming" onto a young child who just said what she saw. Yes it upset the lady but it wasn't the child's intention was it. The woman was intentionally rude to a little kid.
I would have probably apologised on behalf of your DD but think no more of it. Your child unintentionally touched a nerve.

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Frenchw1fe · 23/11/2019 13:46

Your dd pointed out that a big lady is big. She’s 3.
She didn’t use the word fat.
Can’t see a problem, as she gets older she’ll learn how to be tactful.
As for the woman calling your child ‘it’ she needs to learn manners.

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wildcherries · 23/11/2019 13:46

You should have apologised. Why didn't you?

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funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 13:47

Why didn't you apologise? Poor woman, no one deserves insults from randoms in the street.

Maybe the woman didn’t give her chance? That’s the problem in these types of situations. People quick to jump down other people’s throats.

And also, the child is 3 and just stating what is factually in front of her in her surroundings. Still learning social etiquette. I wouldn’t be offended if a 3 year old stated the obvious about me. If it was a 13 year old, of course.

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funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 13:47

Maybe the woman didn’t give her chance to apologise? That’s the problem in these types of situations. People quick to jump down other people’s throats. That would have got my back up instantly.

And also, the child is 3 and just stating what is factually in front of her in her surroundings. Still learning social etiquette. I wouldn’t be offended if a 3 year old stated the obvious about me. If it was a 13 year old, of course.

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