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AIBU?

To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

304 replies

outofthedarkshadows · 23/11/2019 11:05

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1358 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
49%
You are NOT being unreasonable
51%
PsychosonicCindy · 23/11/2019 12:29

@DisplayPurposesOnly
I'm with you!

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rebecca102 · 23/11/2019 12:30

@KittenLedWeaning
Mannerless child hahahahaha. The child is 3. THREE! Shut up

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 12:30

And yet I'm still a rational reasoning human being who understands that three year old are small children who are learning.

I understand that - but it doesn't explain why the child's mother didn't apologise.

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Oysterbabe · 23/11/2019 12:31

She obviously reacted badly because the comment hurt her feelings. I would have apologised and then corrected my child in a louder and more obvious way rather than quietly.

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 12:32

Mannerless child hahahahaha. The child is 3. THREE! Shut up

And, yet another mannerless defender of the mannerless child. "Shut up" - how charming.

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PlanDeRaccordement · 23/11/2019 12:33

I think YANBU op. A 3 year old should not be publicly shamed and loudly called “it” in public for an remark made in innocence. The big lady is an adult and knew better how to be polite. A 3yr old has just learned how to build complete sentences and has no idea what can and cannot be said. You are not in the wrong at all.

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VaguelySensible · 23/11/2019 12:33

So "Teach it some manners" is not rude?

The child is 3. Their behaviour was age-appropriate. The mother responded acceptably. The stranger was appallingly rude.

And I say this as a tall, large woman. I have had young children comment on my appearance, and my children made similar comments when they were young, too.

YANBU, OP.

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cushioncovers · 23/11/2019 12:34

Your child is 3 years old. She said what she saw. I'm fat and I've been fat shamed by various men in my life but never a child. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Don't worry about it op. Just gently teach your child that we don't have to make comments about people's appearance in public.

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YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 12:34

I don't have or want children. And yet I'm still a rational reasoning human being who understands that three year old are small children who are learning. It doesn't take any special knowledge

^^This.

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Nixby3 · 23/11/2019 12:34

Mannerless child?? She's only 3 and still learning but for a grown woman to refer to a small child as 'it' is bad manners!

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GreytExpectations · 23/11/2019 12:35

I think it's actually the posters on this thread who are acting like snowflakes and missing the point. Of course the 3 year old shouldn't be expected to understand that level of manners- thet are only 3. Its the OP that was in the wrong for not addressing it loud enough for the woman to hear nor apologising on behalf of her dd. Your quiet word makes it look like you aren't teaching your kid manners but based on a lot of replies here it's seems like most parents these days don't...

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YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 12:36

Your child is 3 years old. She said what she saw. I'm fat and I've been fat shamed by various men in my life but never a child

I've been ugly and fat shamed by men - but only once fat shamed by a little girl who was literally just saying as she saw it, with no malice. I was mortified, but never for one second blamed her for being a little "mannerless" girl!! Jesus, when an adult cannot comprehend that a child is still.learning, what a sad sad thing.

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 12:39

So "Teach it some manners" is not rude?

It certainly is rude, and in some ways the OP's experience is something we are seeing more and more of in society as people become increasingly self-centred and inconsiderate - an example of rudeness and entitlement meeting rudeness entitlement.

The OP didn't think it worth her trouble to apologise, believing she was entitled to expect the woman to put up meekly with the rudeness. The woman, rather than raising an objection in a polite way, decided to 'give as as good as she got' and said something equally rude.

As the values of self-control and dignity in society are eroded by the 'let it all hang out' ethos of social media, we will see more and more arguments in public places.

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GreytExpectations · 23/11/2019 12:40

Jesus, when an adult cannot comprehend that a child is still.learning, what a sad sad thing.

I understand this but what excuse is their for the parent who couldn't even apologise on behalf of the child or at least correct her loud enough for the other woman to hear?

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transformandriseup · 23/11/2019 12:43

So "Teach it some manners" is not rude?

It's very rude plus the little girl didn't even call the lady "fat", just big. She was describing what she saw. I've never called anyone "it" in my life, never mind a child.

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BuildBuildings · 23/11/2019 12:45

As my immediate reaction I'd think your kid was a twat if I heard this. But I'd try to remind myself she's just 3! So as an immediate reaction she said that. I think you did the right thing you need to strongly and clear tell your daughter it's not acceptable.

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Bunney2020 · 23/11/2019 12:46

I understand this but what excuse is their for the parent who couldn't even apologise on behalf of the child or at least correct her loud enough for the other woman to hear?
This is how I feel too. If a 3 year old can say something (which is perceived as rude) loud enough to offend the target of that statement, the mum should correct it loud enough so they can also hear it or apologise.

I know she is just a child but it could have been a long line of comments about her weight that made her snap. Inappropriate obviously.

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BestOption · 23/11/2019 12:47

She’s 3. Life is confusing.

One minute you’re getting praised for being observant the next you’re getting told off for it.

People are always commenting on your hair, dress, smile, wellies, but when you do the same you’re in trouble...

You make a comment ‘that boy has a green dragon in his jumper’ you get confirmation ‘yes he does die any he’

You comment on a person being big - you get told off...

She’s 3, she meant no harm.

The woman in the other hand was incredibly rude to call her ‘it’

I’m a ‘big lady’ - yes it hurts when teenagers or adults comment, & yes it makes you self conscious when a small child comments, but that’s my issue -NOT the small child’s. I’ve had children ask why I have a ‘big tummy’ (generally to the mortification of their accompanying adult. I just tell them the truth (I have a poorly tummy & it makes it fat’).

I HATE being fat, but I certainly don’t take it out on small children who notice because I’m not a twat & because at 3 I don’t expect them to have sorted thus crazy arse world out.

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GreytExpectations · 23/11/2019 12:50

Thank you @Bunney2020 finally some sense on this thread! Don't understand why all other posters seem to be excusing the Ops behaviour

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 12:51

People are always commenting on your hair, dress, smile, wellies, but when you do the same you’re in trouble...

The solution lies with you and the other people who do this, then - stop expressing judgements to your small child on his/her appearance, so that he/she won't learn this bad habit.

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M3lon · 23/11/2019 12:54

3 yos are not responsible for commenting on others appearance unless society stops commenting on THEIRS.

Next time you go to comment on how cute/pretty/cheerful/colourful a 3 yo old is, don't. Otherwise they might just comment on you and it will be your problem if you don't like what they say.

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beckyvardy · 23/11/2019 12:54

Calling a child "it" though.

I suspect it was probably said as she was embarrassed.

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PlanDeRaccordement · 23/11/2019 12:55

If a 3 year old can say something (which is perceived as rude) loud enough to offend the target of that statement, the mum should correct it loud enough so they can also hear it or apologise

I disagree. For two reasons. A child is not an “it.”
Secondly, you do not teach a child that public shaming is wrong by loudly and publicly shaming them for what they said in innocence.
That is like teaching a child not to hit by smacking them. Hypocrisy.

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 12:56

Next time you go to comment on how cute/pretty/cheerful/colourful a 3 yo old is, don't. Otherwise they might just comment on you and it will be your problem if you don't like what they say.

Exactly. We are teaching children at a young age that they should be judged by their appearance and clothes - what kind of message is that?

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Mammatino · 23/11/2019 12:56

In the early 80's mum and I were in a doctors waiting room with little sis, around 3. A mam with dwarfism was sat opposite us, little sis was fascinated with him. She couldnt process him and his differences. "why's that man so little, didn't his mummy feed him enough". Mum was flustered and embarrassed but the man was lovely he chatted to us about himself and what it meant... Then when he was called into the doctors he turned around and whispered to my sister that he might really be an elf... She was enraptured. Children make statements and ask awkward questions, you did tell her that it wasn't OK. The lady was embarrassed and got a bit upset, she might have been having a crap day. Forget it now.

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