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AIBU?

To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

304 replies

outofthedarkshadows · 23/11/2019 11:05

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1358 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
49%
You are NOT being unreasonable
51%
Molteni · 23/11/2019 13:55

It’s a factual observation, at that age there is no negative co-notation. Obviously you should tell her not to do it and apologize. Saying that, calling a child ‘it’ is not on, so I would have told her that my child was obviously wrong but that objectively speaking she wasn’t lying. She’s old enough not to be rude. I got called a giant (tall) by a small child this week; laugh it off and worry about more important things.

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SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/11/2019 13:56

"Teach IT some manners?"

IT??????

I would have given her such a mouthful!

This is a small child - she speaks the truth.

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Havaina · 23/11/2019 13:58

Maybe she couldn't tell whether the child was male or female.

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GreytExpectations · 23/11/2019 14:00

Parents just apologise and move on - what else should they do? Batter the kid in public to prove how 'strict' they are really?

Except the parent in this case didn't apologise. Love how people are now assuming she didn't get the chance. OP didn't even mention trying to apologise, I don't buy that bullshit. Both the lady and the OP were rude.

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funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 14:00

Maybe she couldn't tell whether the child was male or female.

Some adults are difficult to tell whether they are male or female. I’ll start calling them IT from now on then.

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ManiacalLapwing · 23/11/2019 14:07

Maybe she couldn't tell whether the child was male or female. Then you use them/they, not it!

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User3421090989098 · 23/11/2019 14:07

I hope you apologised profusely

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User3421090989098 · 23/11/2019 14:08

Oh didn’t see the it comment. In that case I hope you told her to fuck off

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Laughterisbest · 23/11/2019 14:08

You can't put concepts like "fat shaming" onto a young child who just said what she saw

Completely agree.

And as for referring to the child as 'some random in the street' - extraordinary.

I can hardly believe adults take such offence at a three year old, whether her mother apologised or not.

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funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 14:10

Then you use them/they, not it!

That poster is just being deliberately goady. There’s no excuses for calling a child “IT”, but some sad acts will find reasons why it’s justified. Children aren’t dogs. Hence why they’re not an IT.

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GreytExpectations · 23/11/2019 14:11

whether her mother apologised or not.

THIS is the issue, the mother didn't apologise and why not? A 3 year old is a child who doesn't know better, the mother is a grown adult who does and should not have her poor behaviour excused.

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Eckhart · 23/11/2019 14:14

I don't think it's a case of finding out who's 'wrong'. An offensive thing was said, and somebody got offended.

The woman may have been crying all morning because she's insecure about her appearance, and then she hears that comment - well, she's hardly going to laugh, is she.

The 3 year old is totally forgivable, and still learning why saying stuff like this is not ok.

Just one of life's lessons.

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funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 14:15

THIS is the issue, the mother didn't apologise and why not?

Again, maybe the woman didn’t give her chance?

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GreytExpectations · 23/11/2019 14:16

Again, maybe the woman didn’t give her chance?

I doubt that- seem like something the OP would have mentioned, why are you do keen to defend rude behaviour?

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Honeybee85 · 23/11/2019 14:17

When I was a teenager suffering from bad acne and working in a shop as a sathurday job, a child once pointed at my face and said: why do you have so many pimples? The mum stood next to the child and said nothing. Still gives me the rage when I think of it.

The lady didn’t hear that you told your DD off and I can imagine why she reacted like that to you and your DD. I really hope something like today won’t happen again as it’s really hurtful for the person who’s being commented on, but if it does, please apologize. It shows at least you see them as a person worthy of respect hence the apology and not as some fat person that you can openly shame in public !

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loseyourself · 23/11/2019 14:22

she is only 3. Maybe the woman was really heavy. Kids just say what they see, now you have been alerted to it, tell her not to talk about size. It's not a big deal, she will grow into it all. Having had a 3 year old well beyond his years and one who was an absolute baby still at that age, it depends on the kid. Don't feel bad, she got her own back using the word it.

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ShadowOnTheSun · 23/11/2019 14:24

I was called 'a big fat lady' by a little boy. I'm very tall and was size 20 at the time, so he was just saying how it is, I was a big fat lady. He wasn't trying to insult me. Obviously, I wasn't overjoyed with the comment, but he was a tiny boy and only told the truth.

His parents were mortified and kept on apologizing. I smiled and told them not to worry about it. OP's daughter is only 3, a little girl. Not 'it' and not 'mannerless', the big lady in question was rude.

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1moreRep · 23/11/2019 14:24

it was a factual comment, like that's a big car, that's a tractor etc.

i remember my children being shocked at obese people, as young children as they literally never saw any. It's one of those things you correct, apologise and explain to the child why it's not appropriate just the same if it's a large beard/ glasses etc

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lljkk · 23/11/2019 14:26

It's a factual statement.
3 yr olds are works in process wrt social niceties.

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Notodontidae · 23/11/2019 14:26

Oh the innocence of a child. I sometimes think its a shame when they cannot point out the obvious, thats what learning is all about. Why is that person got grey hair, how come that man is so tall ? etc. Schh you mustn't say that. Of course you should correct children, the sooner they learn that words can hurt people the better. And even at 3YO what they say can hurt their friends. I dont know why there is so much conflict on this thread, both arguments are right. The passer by should really have been more used to young children, but lets not make a mountain out of a molehill.

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funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 14:27

why are you do keen to defend rude behaviour?

I’m keen to tell people when they are over reacting. In this case it’s about a child just observing their surroundings. The child wasn’t being rude at that age.

The op maybe could have apologised if she was of course given the opportunity to do so. But I highly doubt that would have made any difference and the woman would still have had a go, given how utterly offended she was at a 3 year old Hmm Some people are just weird.

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KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 14:34

The passer by should really have been more used to young children

I don't really understand that comment. We don't know the passer by's circumstances at all - she might not have had anything do do with small children since she was one herself (I haven't) - if you don't come into contact with young children, how are you supposed to be 'used to' them?

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Shadowboy · 23/11/2019 14:39

My 3 year old blurts stuff out like this. Is that lady having a baby was the last one. In a supermarket once she said loudly at the tills to no one in particular ‘what is that stink-someone stinks’

Obviously I tell her she can’t say things about people. But kids forget, their mouths don’t always connect with their brains.

The woman should not have retorted with ‘it’

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Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/11/2019 14:44

The woman needs to get a grip, your child is 3 not 13 she's a toddler still!! And she called her "it" Hmm
Small children do point things out. She is still learning social skills but the woman should have just took it on the chin and accepted the child mean no harm. As someone said, big can mean tall.

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RhiWrites · 23/11/2019 14:45

I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.

This is just so limp. Look, I get she’s a child and she’s still learning what it’s acceptable to comment on. But whispering “that’s not nice” does nothing to indicate it’s not acceptable behaviour. And clearly the woman who’d been (inadvertently) insulted thought you didn’t care.

If you’d turned to your child and said in a shocked and stern voice “Rosie, that was very rude!” Then I suspect you wouldn’t have got an outraged and hostile response from this woman.

I’m a bit tired of really weak ineffectual parenting. It won’t hurt your child to tell them off occasionally.

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