To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

[outofthedarkshadows]

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

It is unreasonable to expect a three year old to have figured all this out and get it right all the time. They're still learning irregular verbs - you can't predict those and have to rote learn, and you can't predict which observations are upsetting to people until you've mastered our cultural rules by rote.

I agree, which is why a safe practice would be not to make any comment on someone's appearance.

Kids do blurt things out no matter how polite one is as a parent and what manners one attempts to teach them. I understand the woman being upset but she shouldn't have made assumptions about your parenting.

But bear in mind you'll never see one another again and try to forget about it , though I know how upsetting it feels to feel that someone, even a total stranger who wasn't very nice about it, formed a bad opinion of you.

And how old are you @KittenLedWeaning ? Three? I guess not. I'm guessing you've learned about how to behave appropriately in our society over your decades on our planet. Expecting a child who is still learning how to actually talk properly to be able to observe social norms without ever actually being corrected for them, because apparently making a comment is bad manners, is absurd. The OP's DD said something that would have been best not said, her mother picked her up on it, that's how we learn.

If we only told kids not to do something once and they never did it or ever had to have the message reinforced, parenting would be a lot easier. But that's not how children work.

And the argument loses all strength if you've ever told your child anything positive about their appearance, and I doubt any parent hasn't. 'We don't comment on appearances except I just did it to you but that's different and you should now be able to apply this appropriately and at a sensible volume for the rest of your life. Also it's time for a nappy change. OK?'

A school friends brother said somerhjng about my mum when we were children. I can’t remember ages but I do know that it deeply upset my mum.

The only response to that situation was to tell dd that it’s not nice to make comments like that

You’re “quietly told” comment makes me think of those passive parents who stand there looking mildly bewildered while their kids run riot

You should have apologised without reservation to the woman and said to dd to apologise too.

The reason she reacted as she did towards your dd was purely down to your ineffective dealing with the situation by being so gentle the woman thought you’d done nothing.

My own ds at 3 knew not to make comments about others. You have to teach your child about saying things that hurt others feelings

Expecting a child who is still learning how to actually talk properly to be able to observe social norms without ever actually being corrected for them, because apparently making a comment is bad manners, is absurd. The OP's DD said something that would have been best not said, her mother picked her up on it, that's how we learn.

The point is that her mother didn't apologise to the woman. She has so far not succeeded in teaching the child to behave appropriately - yes, that isn't something that happens overnight - but until she has succeeded in this, she needs to take responsibility and apologise if the child is unintentionally offensive to others. If she'd apologised straight away, I doubt the other woman would have said what she said.

I am not saying the other woman was polite - far from it - but the unpleasant incident originated with the OP's daughter, so it was for the OP to make amends before it escalated.

When DS was only about 2 and, unfortunately a very good talker I had to take him to the GP. In the waiting room was a very large man.

DS said, absolutely clearly, ‘Look Mummy, there’s a great big fat greedy man ‘. I have never been more embarrassed in my life, I’ve no idea where it came from.

Anyway, said gentleman was delightful and said in a very friendly way that yes, there was indeed a lot of him. The receptionist heard all of this and oddly we were called in to see the doctor very quickly.

So don’t feel bad. Small kids say things and that’s life. The woman could have been more graceful in her response or simply ignored.

The OP should have made sure that the woman her child had audibly insulted heard the child being told off and should also have apologised to the woman for her child's brattish behaviour.

I guess it depends. I would be more embarrassed to then continue to be part of someone's 'learning point' or a teaching tool when I would just want to get on with my day and forget about it, not stand and listen to a child being lectured about why it was wrong or made to apologise. I'd find that almost as cringe-inducing than the original comment! I'd rather just walk on past and chalk it up to a kid being a kid 🤷‍♀️

This was a moment for a bit of performance parenting. You have to correct DD more obviously so that the woman knows it's just a 3yo being a 3yo not a family of nobs and she feels a bit better about it.

And the argument loses all strength if you've ever told your child anything positive about their appearance, and I doubt any parent hasn't.

Well, perhaps it's time parents stopped teaching their children at such a very young age to value themselves (and by extension, others) by their appearances.

Offering reassurance to an older child who has already learned social norms and who might (due to the appearance-based culture we perpetuate) be insecure about their looks, is one thing, but why start telling a 3 year old child that their appearance, over which they have zero control, is something to be praised or admired - i.e. judged?

But I do agree that perhaps OP should have apologised if the woman's body language suggested she wanted one. However, my issue was with the posts suggesting that a three-year-old child was somehow deliberately bad mannered for doing so or that OP should be ashamed that her child said it. I generally find that the 'my child would never do' this brigade are either oblivious to some of the things their child does do, or are in for a fun ride

This all a storm in a teacup innit.

I don't think you were wrong, or the woman was wrong. Your daughter was inadvertently rude as happens when you're three.

Maybe you could have corrected your daughter more loudly so the woman heard. Maybe the woman should have shrugged off a comment from a three year old. Maybe everyone should just have a brew and move on...

I generally find that the 'my child would never do' this brigade are either oblivious to some of the things their child does do, or are in for a fun ride

I for one am child-free and intend to remain so - and the fact that not everyone has children and is familiar with the stages of child development - is something parents need to bear in mind in situations like this.

The attitude that everyone you meet is a fellow, sympathetic parent who will smile indulgently if a child is rude, is something you need to rethink if you want to appear pleasant and courteous in society.

Take responsibility for your child - if he or she is rude, apologise for it.

My daughter is only 9mo so having lived 33 years of my life in society before I had her, I'm pretty sure I know how to be pleasant and courteous in public, thanks I haven't booked in for my post-birth lobotomy yet to become 'one of those parents'.

I've made no comments about how I would parent my own child in this instance nor do I have any expectations that other people will find her delightful. But I'm also a reasonable human being who understands that sometimes children do and say things that we would rather not and it's not because they are behaving badly; it's because they are children and it's how they learn.

Anyway, I'm not sure where I said OP shouldn't apologise. My posts were clearly about the expectation that three-year-olds should always know how to behave, not whether or not OP should apologise, so this is an entirely unnecessary tangent and I'm now off to parent my wayward child

Nothing a 3 year old says is hurtful to an adult person unless that person has major issues. Because we don't look to 3 year olds to teach us. Because they are 3.

I'm pretty sure I know how to be pleasant and courteous in public, thanks grin I haven't booked in for my post-birth lobotomy yet to become 'one of those parents'.

I'm not saying you don't, but the thread is asking whether the OP was 'in the wrong' and she was - for not being pleasant and courteous by offering an apology.

For what it's worth, in that situation, as the woman who was offended, I'd have just hurried on - I wouldn't have made matters worse by being rude myself. But I would judge a parent who didn't apologise on the child's behalf as lacking in manners, and likely to raise a child who grew up to be similarly discourteous.

That's happened to me before, FWIW I'm not massive but I just laughed it off and smile and had a chat with the little one. It's was quite funny tbh, but I'm really not sensitive about stuff like that anyway. Poor mother was mortified but we had a giggle about it

My 3 year old 'what's that mummy?' - a large lady was walking towards us, me: 'the tree, the flower, the snail? Him: 'oh I know it's a giant' just as she was passing. I felt awful but in his eyes he didn't say anything negative.

YABU. You should have apologised immediately to the woman on behalf of your dd and then had a word with your dd loud enough for the woman to hear. Wtf is your problem that you think you and dd are someone the ones in the right when you cant even comprehend basic manners yourself as a fucking adult? Yes, a 3 year old doesn't have a filter or understand what shouldn't be said but you do (I'd hope) and by having your "quiet word" it basically comes across as you didn't give a shit. Would it have been so hard to say "I'm so sorry she said that! DD that isn't a nice thing to say."?

Child is 3 fgs!! They are brutely honest. I think the woman was rude for calling your child "it". Your child will learn that woman hasn't!!

This is a case,of looking through the eyes of small children.and has made me laugh at all the snowflakey comments. The Big woman,needs to get a sense of humour.

I for one am child-free and intend to remain so - and the fact that not everyone has children and is familiar with the stages of child development - is something parents need to bear in mind in situations like this.

I don't have or want children. And yet I'm still a rational reasoning human being who understands that three year old are small children who are learning. It doesn't take any special knowledge.