Partner didn't come home last night

[princessconsuelabananahammock2]

He went out for a drink after work, as he normally does on a Friday, he'll usually have one and then drive home. I hadn't heard from him in a while (which is unusual as he's normally back by 6) so sent a nice message just asking him to let me know he's ok and what time he's expecting to be back. Got a reply a few hours later saying his phone was dead, he'd just charged it and that he'd be back soon. I replied saying I was going to bed. I haven't heard anything since.

I've been restless all night wondering where the hell he is. I sent a message at midnight asking him if he'd like to tell me where he is?!!?!! No reply. I'm fuming. I've got awful pregnancy sickness, I'm knackered and then this idiot decides to do this.

AIBU to think he's behaved like an absolute cock?

I’m so sorry, my ex h did this too. It wasn’t until years later that his endless affairs came to light. We are divorced now and I’ve brought our son up alone. A lot easier than dealing with a prick who puts your heart and welfare at risk. I wish you luck OP.

You're punishing his child by not collecting him

No she isn't. He's not her child. Not her problem.

OP

I'd be bloody furious too.

Take your daughter to the cinema. Let him deal with the fallout with his son's mother

Why is it seen acceptable for fathers to go out, get hammered, disappear, not be contactable and rock up next morning stinking and still pissed? Fathers who have parental responsibilities the next day to small children who can't be just left to their own devices.

Why is it OK for fathers, and to then expect the woman (who has no parental responsibility to the child!) to smooth things over and make life easy for them.

Whereas a mother doing the same would be ripped to shreds here.

A woman who admits on here that she doesn't have custody of her children is picked apart. Imagine if she didn't have custody of her children, and got in such a state the night before access that she didn't come home. Would people be telling her "take it easy today. Get your partner to bring the your kids out and let you sleep it off"?

Get a grip people.
Talk about double standards.

I suppose in a couple of hours we might get a thread from a woman whose ex-partner has let her down or turned up hungover when coming to collect his son.

This would be a big warning sign for me OP. Good luck, I hope you manage to sort it out.

I had an ex (note - EX) that used to do this all the time. It's infantile, immature and disrespectful, that's assuming something awful hasn't happened god forbid. It shows a complete lack of respect and care. If my OH did did this now I would be 100% convinced something awful had happened to him as he just would not do this, whereas with my ex it was par for the course. Don't accept it any longer xx

I wouldn't collect his son op but I would contact the ex and let her know why

Surely the ex can get in touch with him herself. If she can't contact him she'll probably have a fair idea of what and why. She knows him longer than OP does, after all. I feel sorry for the 3 year old, but if I were the OP I would completely step away from it. By involving herself at all she is putting herself in the position to take responsibility for him. Just look at the amount of people on here who thinks she should take responsibility and go and collect him. If the ex has plans today it would be very easy for her to make OP feel responsibility for the little lad.

I am generally a very kind person, go out of my way for people, maybe even be a bit of a pushover at times, but in this instance I would play hardball! I would not allow myself to get involved. Because I know, due to the type of person I am, I WOULD end up collecting the little fella, bringing him out for the sat, making life easy for my partner, his ex but possibly upsetting my own daughter along the way who as promised a rare day out together.

Nah... Don't under any circumstances allow yourself to be used today, OP.

Part of me thinks I should collect him

Please shut that part of you right down.
Do not enable DP's behaviour by picking up his slack.
You do not need to facilitate or appease him. Just carry on with your plans & leave him to make his own decisions & sort himself out.

An occasional night on a bender is fine, so long as it is occasional. Not telling you where he is, not respnding to a calm text about when are you gonna get back is absolutely not.

Feeding you bullshit stories is even more worrying. Don't discount that he may have fallen off the wagon re: drug use. Do you think he's kicking up his heels as a reaction to your pregnancy looming larger? Getting a rowdy night in before he can't do so any more?
Either way, he must apologise for worrying you, for not communicating properly - & he must take back his bullshit stories & tell you what actually happened. Otherwise how are you going to be able to respect him, & trust that it's not going to become a regular thing?

Do nothing.

Go out, go about your day. See what he does-that will tell you what your future will look like.

Will he man up and cope with his responsibilities? Or not.

My dp has done this once, he went out for a couple - I woke up at 7.30am without him there, rang him and he was pathetically grateful and stranded in a village.
Were you pregnant, did you text your DP about where he was & get ognored, & did he then feed you bullshit stories that didn;t add up? If not, your experience isn't comparable (I hope it isn't!)

I'd let it go and be nice, knowing that when my couple of drinks turns into more on the odd occasion my DP would be nice to me and happy that I had enjoyed myself.
If "being nice" means covering for hungover DP by collecting his son & then being the sober adult in charge all day, then OP certainly should NOT be nice. Because that would only enable his bullshit.
Staying out all night now & then isn't the issue. Ignoring texts, making up bullshit cover-up stories, & being too drunk to drive your child the next day as arranged ... no way does OP need to enable that, & neither should she.

Part of me thinks I should collect him

You really, really need to think about leaving this man.

You are already half way along the dynamic of 'he acts for himself... I react to that by trying to make it ok.' That's why you think as above. All that will lead to is him looking at you doing it, smirking, and doing it more... because he can.

He's not a good partner and he isn't going to be any better a father to your baby than to the son who he's (maybe) turning up to pick up stinking of fags and booze, so hungover that at best he'll be turning on the telly and snoozing next to him on the sofa for the day. Lucky wee boy.

Your first response to this is thinking 'maybe I should clean up this mess he's created.'

His first thought is 'Fuck it, I'm having fun. She doesn't really matter.'

Dump him. By the time you have the baby, you will be back on at least some sort of even keel.

Don't be facing this situation with a newborn crying next to you, in six month's time.

You were right not to get involved about his DS. We wonder why men act like children, when they are surrounded by women constantly rushing to smooth the way for them and tidy up behind them.

He fucked up. He had a commitment with his child the next day, and a poorly pregnant partner at home and chose to stay out all night and get hammered (and whatever else) instead. She should not be scurrying to meet his commitments for him, all that would do is guarantee a repeat performance.

Sorry this has happened op.

Bloody hell I can understand how men get away with so much from some of the responses.

He has let down his partner and child. If she covers for him he will continue to use that to his advantage. Setting the boundaries now is the right thing to do.

I'm glad he's gone to fetch his s8n. You need to sit down later and speak to him properly.

Enjoy your day out with your DD. Leave your DP to sort out what happens with his DS.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to put up with shit behaviour because you're pregnant. He's behaved appallingly to you and his child.

He got up and went out

How is he going where he's going? Did he drive?

I presumed he'd got up and gone to collect his son.

Very immature behaviour on his part, op. Understandable - maybe - at 19 but not a man, married with a family and pregnant wife.

However wait and see what he says later.

How is he going where he's going? Did he drive?

I wondered that.

You've had this huge wake up call about him now, OP. Don't ignore those red flags.

Yikes. He sounds like an arsehole.

He is likely to be driving over the limit. I would make the boy's mother aware of that.

Unless he has fucked off somewhere else ?

If he has driven then I would be informing the child's mother so she can withold access. He will very likely be over the limit. He's certainly not in great shape to drive.

I would say also to inform police and let them try finding and stopping him!

It really struck me that you said

“If I wasn’t pregnant this would be a deal breaker”

Think about that really hard.

I think your partner also knows this really well.

He has a three year old. He cheated on his child's mother. They parted. He doesn't trouble himself much about his son or disappointing him. You are pregnant. He doesn't trouble himself about your physical or emotional welfare. He has done drugs in the past.

Past performance is the best predictor of future performance.

Have a lovely day with your dd; pack his stuff tomorrow. Tomorrow is the start of the rest of your life. It will ne netter without him.

I hope he has not gone to get his car and then drives to pick up his little boy. I hope he is not driving in my area or anyone's area considering the state of him.
This is not good. I hope the child's mum gets a whiff of him and refuses to hand over the child.
I assume that you were a single parent for a time between leaving your ex and taking up with this lad. You have done it before and there is no reason why you could not do it again.
Put your children including the unborn baby and yourself before this partner

Has he gone to get his son, OP?