Partner didn't come home last night

[princessconsuelabananahammock2]

He went out for a drink after work, as he normally does on a Friday, he'll usually have one and then drive home. I hadn't heard from him in a while (which is unusual as he's normally back by 6) so sent a nice message just asking him to let me know he's ok and what time he's expecting to be back. Got a reply a few hours later saying his phone was dead, he'd just charged it and that he'd be back soon. I replied saying I was going to bed. I haven't heard anything since.

I've been restless all night wondering where the hell he is. I sent a message at midnight asking him if he'd like to tell me where he is?!!?!! No reply. I'm fuming. I've got awful pregnancy sickness, I'm knackered and then this idiot decides to do this.

AIBU to think he's behaved like an absolute cock?

What if you'd been pulled over and been tested and found with an illegal reading of drink or drugs in your system?

And you got sentenced for driving under the influence, with the aggravated element of having kids in the car?

Would that be 100% fine parenting? Because I think your kids would disagree when Mummy was away for a few days of jail time.

That is what he did. I'm not even saying he wouldn't be capable of "normal" parenting which may be making a snack and chatting to them. But he wasn't capable of driving his child which he did. THAT is what people are being 'dramatic' about.

Even if his kid had been fine he could have hurt loads of other people drink or drug driving. But fuck everyone else eh, they're being dramatic not to want him on the roads still buzzed.

Again, ex addict here. Still never stopped that low.

Sorry that last message was to @nameymcnamechangeagain

There's a very good reason why driving under the influence of drink and drugs is against the law.

Threads like these just really highlight how we really need to be talking to young people in school from 11 to 18 about self respect, having standards for yourself of what is acceptable, and what a decent relationship looks like.

My Mum has always prioritised the men in her life before my sister and I. I'm the polar opposite and work so hard to make sure that I never make my kids feel how I used to. OP if you are still reading, don't think your kids will ever thank you for giving them a deadbeat dad. Because he is. NO matter how hard you try to convince yourself he isn't.

Woah, I never said I drove or that I did look after my kids. I just said I would have been capable of looking after them.

Woah, I never said I drove or that I did look after my kids. I just said I would have been capable of looking after them.

Yes but you accused posters of being dramatic when most people's concern re the drugs was that he drove under the influence. And if that wasn't bad enough, that he drove his own child while under the influence. People weren't being hysterical they were being decent.

He's not a kind and loving man that thinks the world of you and your kids OP, if he would drive with you or them in the car while under the influence.

He's scum 🤷

Span1elsRock

Totally agree with you there!

@Span1elsRock

Yup. But even earlier I think. Obviously age appropriately.

@Jellybeansincognito
Not once did I say drugs was ok, if I did then please care to show me where?
What I said was You can’t hang the guy over making some stupid decisions whilst drunk which one of them was obv taking drugs!! Of course it’s wrong that he he did but it’s not like he does this on a regular Basis! He went out (first time in a long time by sounds of it) and went over board! I’m pretty sure OP has made it quite clear to him that his behaviour is not acceptable and will have more serious consequences if he has a repeat performance! If it was a once off then he will listen and not make the same mistakes in the future!
Now in your eyes he should have social services called in because the children are at risk..... because he took drugs once on a night out!! Can you see how pathetic that sounds?! Social services are over stretched at best and need to be helping children that REALLY need their help not called out over something like this!! None of OP or his children were put at risk, the only risk was his son being upset because he didn’t see daddy this weekend, which is clearly not good but hardly crime of the century!
Some fathers do this on a regular basis and couldn’t care less!! If it was a one off then he has a lot of making up to do, to his son and to OP and her kids!
But let’s for now put his hanging rope to one side! Only time will tell if he means what he says. As for you saying OP is being treated like a doormat!! 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ This post itself proves she isn’t as ‘doormats’ as you call them are used to this type of behaviour and think it’s normal!! She’s just a woman venting her anger of what’s he’s done somewhere Private as she don’t want her family and friends to know about what he’s done for obvious reasons!!

@princessconsuelabananahammock2
I hope everything is sorted now and your back on track, make sure he makes it up to you and his son as you both deserve it! Good luck with the pregnancy hun 😊

I can’t believe how many judgemental people there are on here!! My god I hope you are never called up for jury duty because you’d have them hung drawn and quartered before you even get there!! Everyone makes mistakes, It’s a fact of life, it’s what you do after the fact that will show your true character. I’m sat here with the image of you all stood there with your pitchforks out at the ready!! 😂 I’m pretty sure that every single one of you have made mistakes and bad decisions in your life, your only human like the rest of us!

Yes he should be reported to SS @Dmstacey76

He went and picked up his child whilst still intoxicated.

I’m glad I’m judgey on people that drive whilst substance adusing. It kills people.

There’s making mistakes and bad decisions and then there’s taking drugs, and picking up your child whilst still intoxicated whilst risking their life in the back of your car and all of the other road users around too.

You clearly just have your standards set really low or find this questionable behaviour normal which is really just sad to be honest @Dmstacey76

‘none of OP or children were put at risk’

Are you reading the same thread?

@Dmstacey76 did you miss the bit where he drunk/drug drive home and the the next morning did the same with his 3 year old son in the car..... but you say no one was put at risk?

Op stated

He will definately be in no fit state to collect his son, his car isn't even here and I have plans. He's due to collect him in an hour or so, he won't be able to. Part of me thinks I should collect him, another part thinks he's made his bed he should lie in it.

’m pretty sure that every single one of you have made mistakes and bad decisions in your life I'm pretty sure that not many of us have ever put our children/other people in danger like he did.

No excuse for drug and drink driving.

OP you are not a strong woman for staying with him, quite the opposite.

Jellybeansincognito

How dare you throw personal insults at me because I don’t choose to follow the ‘kill the swine’ Avenue!! Your views are your views and the fact that I don’t conform to Them that must mean that I therefore have low standards?! Far from it! I lost my partner the father to my 5 kids 5 years ago and I’d swap that to OP’s current situation in a blink of an eye! There are worse situations to be going through although to OP that don’t make it hurt any less for her!! What he did was totally out of order undoubtedly, and to OP it’s an absolutely awful position to be in, but this is a ‘real’ world so try changing your only black and white way of thinking because there is colour too!!

Not one person on here has said that what he did was right or acceptable, BUT by far there are a lot of people on here that would gladly swap their previous/current relationship problems for these ones! Life isn’t all fairytales and butterflies and I think you’ll find that the people who have been through some of the worst situations imaginable are the ones who are more understanding and open minded, those who have not encountered many bumps along the way can be more narrow minded, judgemental and self righteous people! FACT So don’t you dare try and force your views on everyone and then personally attack me just because I don’t have the same narrow minded way of thinking as you!!

I for one only give my opinion and don’t condemn anyone for theirs! If social services were called every time a mother or father took recreational drugs on a night out then you’d have hard time getting through to them as it would be ringing off the hook! Which is what I first commented on about! At that point the fact that he drove later that day had not come out!! Now do you know what time he stopped drinking or what time he took drugs?? Do you know how long it takes for these things to leave his system?? Unless you do then you don’t know if he was still under the influence!! Drink/drug driving is totally and utterly unforgivable behaviour esp as he apparently had his son with him, that is for sure and if true OP should wipe the floor with him and make his life a living hell, but kick him out and end their relationship? Bit harsh don’t you think.... if every wife/husband left their partner when they did this? Well I’d change my profession to divorce lawyer that’s for sure! When you love someone you don’t turn your back on them, you show them where they’ve gone wrong, you get them help if they needed it and even show them tough love but to turn your back on them?! I’d hate to be your partner!! You’d sell them out in a heart beat by sounds of it (see I can get personal too! 😊)

What’s really laughable tho is the fact that you all sit there saying ‘if that happened to me I’d....’ ‘if that was my partner he’d be out the door’ how can you say this? You’ll never know till your in that situation!!!!! And I’m pretty sure you’d never do it anyway! It’s all well and good sitting there on the other side of a keyboard but if you had to actually live in these situations you’d be the first ones to come tumbling down!!

What an absolutely load of old tut your post is, Dmstacey.

And this....

What’s really laughable tho is the fact that you all sit there saying ‘if that happened to me I’d....’ ‘if that was my partner he’d be out the door’ how can you say this? You’ll never know till your in that situation!!!!!

Is it really so hard for you to believe that there are vast swathes of people that just don't behave like this - that don't need, or want, to behave like this? Who manage to have friends, socialise, spend time with people, have a good time - often even with their partner! - without getting absolutely wasted, going AWOL, and leaving their partner sitting like a mug at home, waiting for them?

People are saying they'd leave if their partner did this - because in all their time together, they never have gone through some sort of Jeckyll and Hyde transformation from being their normal self, to being a sub-standard dickhead.

If someone's DH hasn't doesn't done this in 15, 20, 25 - whatever - years of being together, I think it's relatively safe to say they're very unlikely to suddenly do it now.

People are saying they wouldn't put up with it - because their boundaries are such that they wouldn't be with this type of person in the first place, or one strike early on in the relationship, and he'd be out. They wouldn't be waiting around for years, having DC together and then making dramatic announcements about leaving.

And this comment is just so telling :

I’d swap that to OP’s current situation in a blink of an eye!

WTAF...? I'd a million times rather be single, but that's just me.

Dmstacey76, you seem to be saying that OP should accept her partner's shitty behaviour, because some people don't have living partners. Why? If she puts up and shuts up, that won't help anyone who has lost a dearly loved husband or partner, any more than if she throws him out and sets fire to his clothes.
I appreciate that your situation is very distressing, but using it to belittle someone else's struggles is really shitty behaviour.

What part of that was a personal insult? @Dmstacey76

‘’ I think you’ll find that the people who have been through some of the worst situations imaginable are the ones who are more understanding and open minded, those who have not encountered many bumps along the way can be more narrow minded, judgemental and self righteous people! FACT’’

^its not fact really though is it? It’s an opinion, a terrible one at that.

Why do you get the impression my life is so rose tinted? I’m 2 weeks into unexpectedly losing my second parent, I am only 28.
I’ve been through the mill in many ways, I think it’s actually made me more inclined to think even more badly of the way OPs partner has behaved, I think many people will say the same. Especially because he did put his child at risk and went to collect him, still under the influence and probably very low on sleep.
When you’ve been through bad times you start to understand that life is too short to be treated with such disrespect.
Especially by someone who acts like complete scum in the process.

If you want to socialise with people who behave like scum then that’s your prerogative. It is really sad though that that’s your normality, clearly. That’s not a personal insult either, really is it?

@Dmstacey76 sorry about your partner but that doesn't give the OPs DH license to potentially kill someone else. You'll know life is precious so I'm astounded that you seem to condone this type of behaviour.

I've not said she should leave him, but she should stop saying is a good partner and father .... he is not.

My god Mumsnet is brutal. If I'd listened to MN they would have had me leave my partner at 40 weeks pregnant over a storm in a teacup. Ignore them. Your judgement is right. Hold on to that and good luck with your babies.

@Passthegin99 storm in a teacup? Driving under the bed influence of drink and drugs with a child in the car?

My god I'm glad I don't see that as a storm
In a tea cup! You think it's fine? Really?

You'd hand your child over to a drunk/ drugged drink vet and say go for it, it will probably be fine........ well shame on you!

I'd rather a dead marriage than a dead child.

@Jellybeansincognito

Fuck I'm so sorry to hear about your parents

@Passthegin99 - your 'storm in a tea cup' is my pity for your low standards and/or non-existent boundaries. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you @AFairlyHardAvocado - I didn’t want to derail or sympathy hunt but the other posters comment got me with the assumption that anyone who has been through a hard time would put up with this OPs partners behaviour really got to me when I thoroughly believe hardship makes you stronger and less likely to put up with behaviour like this.

It’s not acceptable in so many ways.