Partner didn't come home last night

[princessconsuelabananahammock2]

He went out for a drink after work, as he normally does on a Friday, he'll usually have one and then drive home. I hadn't heard from him in a while (which is unusual as he's normally back by 6) so sent a nice message just asking him to let me know he's ok and what time he's expecting to be back. Got a reply a few hours later saying his phone was dead, he'd just charged it and that he'd be back soon. I replied saying I was going to bed. I haven't heard anything since.

I've been restless all night wondering where the hell he is. I sent a message at midnight asking him if he'd like to tell me where he is?!!?!! No reply. I'm fuming. I've got awful pregnancy sickness, I'm knackered and then this idiot decides to do this.

AIBU to think he's behaved like an absolute cock?

He selfishly went AWOL then was "scared" to come home and deal with the consequences like an adult.

I'd be so worried about how someone like that will adapt to life with newborn twins as I'd assume they may immaturely run away at least emotionally if not literally.

I wouldn't count on him being a pillar of strength and equal team mate. You should be able to rely on someone being there in that way at such a difficult time.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. To some extent I get that you're being defensive of him because you're in an almost impossible situation where support from a dickhead seems better than going it alone. I understand and think it's easier said than done to just LTB.

But he drink/drug drove and as someone whose life has been turned upside down let's be honest, ruined for now since a car crash that wasn't my fault, that would be a line in the sand for me.

He would literally rather endanger other people than do something he doesn't really want to do. And not even something that hard - find another way home / be willing to come back and talk to you off his own back. That to me isn't someone I'd feel comfortable relying on to make good, healthy and safe decisions.

I had a huge drug problem in the past. I would never have entertained drug driving. Or drink driving. He crossed a huge line that would change my perception of him permanently.

For what it's worth I have read my husband your comments and he believes your hubby.
Not sure what that says about my significant other though 🤷
In all seriousness it's easy for others to tell you to leave, only you will know if it's the right thing to do. Best of luck X

YANBU...
I'm sorry, his behaviour is totally unacceptable!! You are pregnant and he should have more respect for you. I would be absolutely livid! I would sit him down and ask what the hell has been going on and that you deserve a decent answer?!... He is a grown man now, not a child and has responsibilities... Your Mumsnet friends are here for you..... ❤️😡
Disgusted Mumsnet fan.... good luck darling....

TBH the driving under the influence of cocaine/parenting under the influence of cocaine is just shocking. Absolutely shocking. I can’t believe how many people are trying to downplay that!

Like any man or woman can be a disrespect arse and stay out longer than promised/get drunk etc. Not great.

But the drugs?!? Wtf sort of father and person is he?!

I think people are focusing on a red herring.

Surely the main point isn't whether he cheated or not. There are worse things than cheating like selfishly endangering other people, going AWOL when your partner is pregnant and home alone, being cowardly by not coming home when he knew OP would be worried sick, drug / drink driving...

You don't have to wait for someone to cheat on you to think they are treating you incredibly badly and showing themselves to be selfish and thoughtless.

Even if OP assumes everything he has said is true (which it may well be) then it would be enough for me to permanently change my feelings towards him.

I would be very upset and read him the riot act, I would ask him to be honest and even if that means it did involve another women. I would say I'm not going to leave you for 1 mistake but I would want to know why he did it, is there something wrong in your relationship he isn't happy with etc so you could work together to sort things out

I would up sticks because of one drunken mistake, especially where children are involved.

People make mistakes, I would just want him to be honest and I would make sure he was aware, once you can forgive but twice is game over.

He can't think the world of his children if he drove home and then drove to pick up his DS.

It isn't difficult. You can choose to stay but at least be clear-eyed about who he is. He's someone who didn't come home. He's someone who admitted to drinking and taking drugs. He's someone who then drove home. He's also someone who then picked up his child, despite knowing he had drugs and alcohol in his system.

At the very, very least, a good man who cared about his DCs (and about the other people he could have run into) would have got public transport or a taxi instead. And, actually a good man wouldn't have gone out on the lash and stayed out all night. You have a poor excuse for a human being. It's fine for that to be enough for you but don't pretend he's better than he is. Otherwise you're going to be constantly hitting your head off that brick wall of fantasy over reality.

OP sorry you're getting so much grief here. You came here for support and you're being bullied into dumping your partner.

Yes he screwed up, hopefully he'll learn from it. I do believe in the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".

You say he's usually a good man so let's hope he learns from this and does everything he can to regain your trust.

Best of luck with everything.

@Ange211
If my partner said that to me I would think he was setting me up to believe his own bullshit. Then again I trust nothing at this moment in time

"How does he charge a dead phone while having an after work drink?" A mate or bartender with a charger cable?

Bloody Hell, there are some doomladen buggers on here. OP, hope you have a great pregnancy and that the bloke shapes up properly.

Op you've made your decision & that is to believe for the most part what he has told you ,, try to remember that people have different/harsher opinions & are not afraid to express it ....whilst there are a lot of comments telling you he's a c**k & a cheat etc I think in general most people are concerned for your sitch! & it's frightening for you to see all the negatives ! From my heart I hope this was just an immature moment of recklessness (as i mentioned previous it could be that he feels overwhelmed I mean 1 son & 2 step children is very different to 5 children that you have to be commited to) if he's truly sorry for it & has learn't from ! Actually what would be amazing is if you could post an update on here in a couple of years time with a warm & happy picture of family life ...it would perhaps show those who asume the worst & are unforgiving what having some faith can achieve
Or should the worst happen it sounds as though you are a strong mum & would adjust well & slay at being a single mum ;-* Its worth remembering that some of the most wonderful husbands/fathers , on paper! have out of the blue left their families or had affairs etc . You've got to follow your heart & focus on your lambs .....Big Hugs nobody's perfect .

@Hollywolly1 She wasn't the one who he cheated with, if you read her posts. His marriage ended because of an affair, and the OP met him a year after that.

I can definitely say that yes, even if I was pregnant, I would leave any partner who did drugs. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to be around drugs because I've seen first hand what they can do. Granted, it would be easy for me as I have very supportive family that wouldn't think twice about taking us in.

You do whatever is best for you. And of you feel that this is a one time slip for your DP, then I honestly hope it works out for you and your children.

Sarahnade,yes I did read her posts and I know he didn't with the op but we know he has FORM for cheating like I said once a cheat always a cheat

So are women only allowed on here if they're willing to agree with those saying leave? Is this not an advice, support and general area for chatting? Does it have to be a case of help me leave this man?

Thank goodness I'm a strong person, some of the comments and name calling on here could really do some damage to someone feeling more fragile. Honestly some of you should be ashamed of how you speak to people, just because it's an Internet forum it doesn't mean you no longer have to act with tact and decency.

To those of you that have offered kind, constructive support and advice, thank you.

I'll no longer be responding.

I’ve not read everybody’s comments but I have read yours. It’s a horrible time being pregnant and ill and even worse if your DP has been a dick as it makes you even more upset and angry. But you have said he is a good man, good partner and good dad, so that’s the main thing. He hasn’t cheated. He’s been a bit of a shit in staying out, not telling you and taking drugs. He got over enthusiastic on a night out and will suffer for it now. And make him suffer - plan some nice stuff out the house so you don’t have to see him huffing around feeling sorry for himself, and dont speak to him for a while.
My DH has done the same on occasion. But he’d never cheat and he’s a good man. I can’t believe those who say you should dump him over this! Yes if he was horrible and had cheated,or kept doing it etc. But it’s easy for others to be holier-than-thou in this situation, but they aren’t living your life and clearly would chuck out anyone for one mistake. Ignore them.

@Justacouplemorethen he drove whilst under the influence or drink and drugs..... he is not a good man.

He didn't just drink too much and sleep on a friends sofa.

Maybe some people are worried about the kids this situation-maybe that's more important than tact.

I haven't read the whole thread but I agree with a couple of posters (I think firefly was one but can't find the other. MNetters seem to love thinking the worst especially in these situations and they have no idea about your life, You did come on here cus you were upset and then you get a whole load of insults about your man. Amazes me how they can make it seem awful and "if my hubby did that" etc and in a way I hope he does. Look OP take it steady and keep calm - I'm sure the truth will emerge over time.

spanglydangly Drink/drug driving is very wrong and she should give him shit for it. But throwing him out and dumping him? That clearly isn’t what the OP wants to do, she loves him and he is usually a sensible man. He is unlikely to do it again.

I never said throw him out @Justacouplemorethen, but this repeatedly saying he's a good man, he's not, no longer is he a good man. That type of shit totally wrecks lives and doing in again in the morning is actually beyond belief.

What type of good man does that once let alone again a few hours later!

He's also a cheat....... but that's a different discussion, again though good men don't cheat.

AIBU to think he's behaved like an absolute cock?

YANBU. But clearly you've moved on, and he's no longer an 'absolute cock'.

In your 'he's back' post, you say:

his car isn't even here

I thought he slept in it?

We really have a responsibility to our daughters to (at best) model to them; if not, then talk to them, about how to choose a decent man as a life partner. It's way too important to leave to chance.

This is a bizarre thread. No mention of being pregnant until quite a few posts in. And then, when it looks like sweeping it all under the carpet is the way forward, twins are revealed.

Good luck OP.......

OP: "Is he a cock?"

Everybody: "Yes, he is an utter cock."

OP: "Noooo, he's not, he's a wonderful wonderful man and he lurves me!"

OK then.