Partner didn't come home last night

[princessconsuelabananahammock2]

He went out for a drink after work, as he normally does on a Friday, he'll usually have one and then drive home. I hadn't heard from him in a while (which is unusual as he's normally back by 6) so sent a nice message just asking him to let me know he's ok and what time he's expecting to be back. Got a reply a few hours later saying his phone was dead, he'd just charged it and that he'd be back soon. I replied saying I was going to bed. I haven't heard anything since.

I've been restless all night wondering where the hell he is. I sent a message at midnight asking him if he'd like to tell me where he is?!!?!! No reply. I'm fuming. I've got awful pregnancy sickness, I'm knackered and then this idiot decides to do this.

AIBU to think he's behaved like an absolute cock?

@Flynnshine me too! I had an awful ex who did this also called James.

@Jellybeansincognito social services world show zero interest in this, this isnt prolonged drug abuse, I'm not exposing my children to drug abuse based on one stupid mistake. I have made it explicitly clear that I absolutely will not be in a relationship where drugs are a factor, and while I've given him a chance, he knows damn well he'd be gone if he tries to pull this shit again.

how can you say you’re not exposing your children?
You’ve had children with a man who has just exposed his 3 year old to this, which means your children will also be exposed.

He’s done it before, he’s done it again. He’s done it whilst you’re pregnant and given you a whole night of worry and stress whilst he’s at it. There’s nothing stopping him from doing it again now really is there?
You’ve made it clear to him he’s only there because of the twins, so what respect does he owe you now?

F me. Some of u lot r so quick to judge and chuck away this poor ops life! Jesus he might not be a saint but am sure in this country it is innocent until proven guilty. Yes taking coke is a mugs game and lying is fucking shitty, but if he genuinely has gone on a bender completely out of character is it a hanging offence? I'm sure had he come back pissed up n high you would all be saying he was putting those in the house at risk. From experience of relationship with an actual coke friend moron in the past, these knobajobs have no logical thought process whilst marching on columbian crap. In his addled brain he could genuinely have his out to try and get away with shoving the shite up his stupid hooter in the first place.
I suggest you try and verify his story with whoever's he was with. Go on Amazon and get some of them drug testing kits. Make him know he in on the tightest effing leash of his life and let him prove to you he can be a decent human being gof the sake of your family. Tell him to ditch the motion mates and concentrate on what is important.
If you want to inbox me I'm here but fair warning mine was not a happy ending, however without proof you will never be certain for your babies if he had just made a dickwad decision as a one-off.
Wishing you strength and happiness OP x N no matter what, be sure to accidentally nudge him awake throughout the remainder of your pregnancy as just one form of torture regardless of whether he shapes up or not x

He has an ex and a son, who he is a poor father to, a partner and child on the way. Oh, I wonder if there could be a pattern developing here and if he's an ex for a reason.

And apologies for the typos. My phone always thinks it knows better!

I don’t think he slept anywhere, I think he’s been up all night, and drive straight home.
Now he’s on the come down, and he’s body is needing the sleep.
He may have cheated, but equally he might have just been having heart to hearts and chatting shit all night with his mates. I’ve known blokes to do this, they’re always doing it in the kitchen for some reasons

His body

@Jellybeansincognito
Not once have she said that it’s only because of the pregnancy that she’s allowed to him stay!! You need a wake up call in life! You’d be surprised how many people around you take drugs on a social basis! No it’s not clever no it’s not right but believe me it happens more than you think, but it doesn’t make you a cheat or a bad parent. It’s makes you a stupid one!
People make bad decisions esp when there’s drink involved, this guy could’ve made a stupid decision whilst intoxicated decided at that time he couldn’t face her as he realised his stupidity and that’s why he slept in the car!! Where in that sentence does that make him a bad father? Yes a bad partner making her worry all night! Or like your trying to make out he could be on a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol, that happened in one night!! 🤔 but your being judge and jury in hanging him without knowing him or her and without any evidence at all! Don’t you think it’s a bit harsh saying he’s putting his kids at risk? At risk of what exactly? The only risk is him not having his son this weekend due to a hangover and hopefully he would learn by his mistakes! She’s not going to condemn him before she finds out the facts. Neither you or myself are in a position to judge and convict the guy, all she can do is what she thinks is best for her, her children/step child and her unborn children, and only when she’s found out all the facts! But You can’t expect her to hang the guy for a night out that ended in stupid decisions!!

I found out recently that each time my ex disappeared for a few days he was off shagging his exes. Whether he was unfaithful he’s lied to you and has done drugs. Single parenting is hard bloody work and to twins even harder I should imagine but can you really move on from this?

Firstly, whatever others may say, you know this man better than they do. Know, I'm not a man. But I do confess I've had a few wasted nights in the past where I've probably not made the best choices and probably not been very fair to my OH. This has not involved shagging someone else. I wouldn't accept this as habitual behaviour, especially in your situation, but human beings make mistakes.
If he regularly and reliably picks up his son when agreed, even one occasion of not considering this wouldn't be a game changer for me.
I would be a little concerned about his story though. From what I understand, he first said he'd stayed at his mate's. Then he bought himself time, and said he'd slept in his car. Why would he do that instead of staying at his mate's?
It's easy to say you slept in your car because you don't have to rely on someone else to back up your story.

You must be exhausted just reading all these posts.
I really feel for you and have been where you are when pregnant. And after reading some the well intentioned but not so factual comments ...
I feel compelled to message you because I think in your heart of hearts you know the answer and long term outcome of this now he has come crawling and shed crocodile tears , which is assuaging your anger into forgiveness as you soften...
I like so many other people think his story is bullshit ... it generally starts with lines of coke in toilets, then the sexual inhibition starts and they don't care about anything. I doubt he went to friends to sit round taking it and fall asleep, coke does the opposite to that , weed doesn't.

1. Having worked in the past in medication for assisting those on come down for drug addiction. I can tell you explicitly that cocaine use alters behaviour, that is noticeable to others and depending on how it's cut /mixed has profound effects for the duration it is in your system, on brain scans it shows the brain literally going haywire. It is highly addictive and alcohol ( unless not a recreational user) is the trigger.

Afterwards and during it can trigger violence & aggression also there can be massive comedowns that mimic cold/flu symptoms for up to several days, inc. profuse sweating depending on how many grams taken , it's purity and crucially how the users own body & biochemistry deals with it.

1. You expressly told him at the beginning of the relationship your anti drug stance. He has totally disrespected that.
2. Am I fair in thinking he moved in with you or did you get a place together after you met?

1. You have been here before and have again succumbed to somebody who did this to his previous partner whilst pregnant ( big red flag). You sound like an empath and he's love bombed until you're trapped ( in his mind anyway)

Did he blame her for their relationship ( another red flag) or does he take full responsibility for destroying it and being unfaithfull?

1. You have a responsibility to your children and your unborn, it is unequivocal the damage that cocaine use causes families, directly or indirectly. It already has because how you are feeling will show whether you kid yourself or not it doesn't to your children, also the increased cortisol floating around your system having this jockey not only worrying you sick all night but now every time he goes out you will worry and be full of angst. It's a roller coaster. Sorry like so many others, his story simply does not stack up.

1. This is not a one off, unless he never goes out on his own and drinks alcohol again. Having a baby in the honeymoon phase of a relationship sounds so romantic, the reality with his known track record is different.

1. You have become pregnant in what is still a relatively new relationship ( another red flag), so with all respect don't really know him that well, in that the relationship has not stood the test of time. It can take a good 2-3 years for the mask to slip.

1. He has told you drugs featured in his past, he would not take them again , but now there are in the present.

1. All the subterfuge of checking phones, receipts , asking his friends is likely to only appease you further if you don't find anything allowing you to further excuse him (his friends are most definately going to close ranks) will cause you considerable distress and upset. He has already shown his hand to you!

10. Forgiving him is giving him permission to do it again, he is clearly still lying anyway. It's a huge one and not acceptable to stay out , providing such a dross inadequate excuse/lie. One occasion like this in the circumstance and with his history is too much but deep down I think you know that and I understand why you want to forgive him, he has tried to fool you but please don't fool yourself.

11. Please help yourself by checking out were you stand and go and speak to an anonymous organisation ( local DV centre , Womens Aid etc) about everything, who will give you confidential , emotional support and unbiased advice without having to air your upset in public as it were, leaving yourself open to potentially some unhelpful comments. Changing your username is a big worry , that clearly you don't want your friends to know, that raises a further flag.

12. I have been exactly where you are and I wish I could say it will not happen again & get better, it is highly , highly unlikely. Pregnancy and babies put a huge strain on the most stable relationships , let alone adding twins and step siblings. And I know a few women who are kidding themselves about their own partners and are deep down unhappy , feel disrespected and constantly justify these men, they end up exhausting their friends (also not being married you are even more vulnerable).

13. At this time you need focus on you, your children and pregnancy keeping stress to a minimum. Please for the sake of all of you get some impartial advice and support.

Wishing you luck with your pregnancy and life , you can handle any scenario.

@Dmstacey76 It’s quite sad you’re telling me I need a wake up call when you have no idea what’s going on in my life. It’s clear to see drugs to you are very normal, they’re not at all normal for many people and many people will not tolerate it.
He drove his car still intoxicated, how can you not see that puts his child at risk?

OP has herself told this utter scumbag that he’s only got away with this because of the twins.

I've made it clear that the only reason he's not slung out is because of the twins

Ha! Yes, he knows that full well! Why do you think he feels he can get away with it now? He knows you're trapped.

while I've given him a chance, he knows damn well he'd be gone if he tries to pull this shit again.

Oh please. He doesn't. Just wait and see. What he knows damn well is that you will really, really hesitate to throw him out because it leaves you really in the shit.

You see this time and time again. Women meekly putting up with it, but making themselves feel better afterwards with the declamations - 'He's on his last chance! He knows damn well that if I so much as get a sniff of drugs/the OW/ the gambling again, his feet won't touch the floor!'

Aye love. If it makes you feel better you strut around showing nobody at all how tough and uncompromising you are... while you make his dinner and he sits smugly on the x-box.

It's really sad.

Sorry, he has a drink then drives home? That’s so very dangerous isn’t it? Even if under the legal limit alcohol affects your reflexes and (quick) decision making, you should never risk it.

OP you and the children are the only ones who matter here, you know what he has done. No one on here knows him the way you do, the situation is entirely in your hands. If you think he deserves another chance then fine give him it. If on the other hand you know him to be irresponsible and a cheating scumbag then tell him to go. The people who are affected by his actions are you and your loved ones. You are having twins and may need his help but living with someone who you feel you can't trust will probably only add to the stress, so make the decision for you and you alone and don't listen to anyone else. Do you believe him? Do you love him? Is he a good father? Can you trust him?Will he put the children at risk ? Just some of the questions to ask yourself. I wish you well and I hope you make the right decision for you and the circumstances you find yourself in.

Would be hard enough if you were pregnant with one baby but twins puts it in a different light.

Such a difficult situation for you.

I've had this before and my husbands phone had died I was worried then got a text from his mate next morning to say where he was. He was young then no excuse but if he did it now I would worry for his safety especially with friends he could have had an accident as he is a home bird the local is his furthest place he goes.

notofontidae there's a difference in the words your and you're especially ironic insulting the OP

Id be inclined to say hes probably went on a bender sniffing stuff... He Did it before, dont think it ever really leaves u,

I really wouldn't like that at all :( Disrespectful, anxiety provoking and would make me feel insecure. I also don't believe the car thing, especially as he changed his story. But what can you do? :(

Let's hope he behaves in future, otherwise, as you've said, you'll have to get rid of him.

Hugs and best wishes xxxx

P.S. I don't usually think it's a good idea to go through someone's phone, but I can see why some people might do it in this instance!

Once a cheat always a cheat and if they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you FULL STOP

Some women are only attracted to cheats,must make them feel kind of special