To still be pissed off how I (and so many other women) are treated before/after birth?

[LyndzB]

How I was treated in hospital before and after the birth of my child still gets to me.

Things like...

1.when I'd had an epidural from a 3rd degree tear, I rang the nurses button for help. A nurse told me off and said I should've walked to reception as I wasn't ill. I had to explain I'd had an epidural.

1. Lying in blood stained sheets for 4 days, kept asking for fresh so I could change myself

1. Waiting 5 hours after birth for some food and water - couldn't move due to epidural

1. Being told my son was in NICU and they needed his vests. I had several bags with me and I couldn't for the life of me remember which one had vests in. I still couldn't move and the nurse got annoyed that I didn't know where they were. I'd just been told at that point he was in NICU and was worried sick.

I've read stories from women far worse than mine.

We just seem to accept it. Me included. I think we just want to get out, move on and enjoy our babies. But in the meantime nothing changes. I only see it getting worse.

The hard part is, it's difficult to criticise as I don't want to be seen criticising the nhs. I love the nhs. It's a wonderful invention. I know it's a funding issue and that nurses and doctors and porters and all staff are working so hard.

And I'm sure many women do have good experiences (as much as you can delivering a baby!)

I suppose I just want things to change for the better. I don't know where to start. And maybe it's just too much to ask for little old me!

Anyone else feel this way?

YANBU. My first birth at hospital was traumatic (midwife inexplicably had me on my back for 12 hours with my legs in stirrups, ignoring my request to be active. Agonising pain as I was working against gravity as have a retroverted uterus) and luckily DH managed to sneak in some ibuprofen gel and paracetamol for me after waiting 5 hours post birth for painkillers due to epsiotomy pain.
Had the rest of my DCs at a birthing centre but always packed my own food, drink and painkillers. Much better.

My FIL went for surgery on his prostate, 7 day hospital stay, food brought to him, a morphine pump and sent home with bags of strong painkillers.

2 weeks later I went for a CS with breech DS, I also had preeclampsia.
During surgery my heart rate dropped below 30bpm and I had a haemorrhage.

I was supposedly put on a higher care ward and DH was sent home. I was pretty out of it, no help, trying to breastfeed a very ill baby who they took at some point and when I woke didn't answer the call bell to tell me what the hell was going on. 8 hours I had to wait for any sort of painkillers, stuck on a bed unable to move, only after a midwife heard me crying down the phone to DH did they miraculously arrive with the oramorph i'd been prescribed, and berated me for not being mobile. They also couldn't be arsed to give me my blood pressure tablets which sent my bp rocketing. Then I was sent home with paracetamol.

Why such different standards of care? Both were abdominal surgery. Thank fuck I had my tubes tied.

I won't go into detail about the midwife who told me i'd kill my baby even though she wanted me to do something totally different to what the consultant had told me.

It's a long time ago but my first birth traumatised me completely. I'm still on antidepressants 13 years later for anxiety and I can trace the onset of it back to the postnatal ward. It would take me half an hour to write it all down. It was horrific.

One midwife did an internal exam on me without my permission. I was screaming at her to stop, but she didn’t. After the birth I was in a single room with my baby, and could hardly walk. Nobody brought me food, and there was no help at all with breastfeeding.

The day after my emergency, life-threatening c-section, I had to get up out of bed and walk unassisted down to the NICU to see my son because no one could be bothered to take me to meet him. I hadn't seen him yet. I waited hours. I held my catheter bag in one hand and held myself up with the other.

Pain medication was absent. I was given oramorph once.

Food was irregular, and since I was trying to spend time in the NICU with my son not an easy feat while recovering from a c-section, there are no provisions for mums I often missed it.

There was definitely no provision in the NICU for mums, let alone mums who had had a c-section. We were in the fortunate position that my son was "healthy" in that we were allowed to hold him while he was in the NICU, but trying to do that while sitting bolt upright in a plastic chair hours after a c-section isn't conducive to bonding.

It was a horrific experience.

My DD had her youngest 6 months ago. We were very lucky that she brought a live baby home, and that was more luck than judgement. She was seriously ill from complications of cholestasis, and the care she received was appalling.

I'm really hoping it's put her off another as tbh I can't stand the worry of going through it again!

These stories are atrocious. The fact that you have all been treated this way makes me so angry for you.

I wonder if certain trusts are worse than others.

The one we have here is pretty good and I feel exceptionally lucky to have had the support from them that I did. Especially after reading these stories.

I have baby no.2 on the way. I sincerely hope I have another positive experience like the last one.

This thread is so sad. It’s not acceptable that this is what is considered normal for some women. I have to say when I gave birth a few months ago I was induced and I had the most amazing care the whole way through I had a second degree tear but I wouldn’t of even known I didn’t feel any pain at all afterwards and was up walking round the ward with my baby 12 hours later. I had diamorphine pain relief while in labour. I was treated amazingly and when I said I was scared about going back down to the ward into a shared bay the most amazing midwife who helped me have a shower two hours after giving birth as I wanted one managed to get me a private room back on the ward I believe that helped me so much. It was truly amazing. My partner was allowed to stay with me my whole hospital stay. It was truly amazing for me and it really saddens me that it’s not this level of care for everyone something needs to be done. And I’ve posted my story as I don’t want some pregnant woman to read this and be terrified, it can go well sometimes. X

It's not just midwifery it all hospital care.
If you can you should always write /speak to PALs you don't have to be just negative you can mention the positives too. I had a life altering experience in a hospital once and complained to PALs however within the complaint I also mentioned specific staff, departments that I felt were good. By making PALs aware they can let the appropriate departments know - practice can be changed, staff can be given a moral boost where good practice has been spotted and staff can reflect on their practice.
I believe we have a duty to others to report these issues - we can all say this is happening because of a lack of money which in part will be correct but not always. If it is highlighted as a funding issue by lots of patients then something will have to be done. If each person whos had a bad experience was to write a statement to PALs teams the NHS would have to sit up and be accountable for their actions.

So sorry to read these stories. I was fortunate to have an OK experience. I was in for four nights in the end as we were readmitted, but I felt the care was generally very good and we got a lot of help with feeding (none of it worked but I can't fault the time spent with us, especially overnight when one healthcare assistant sat with us for almost two hours). I was too worried about making a fuss to use the buzzer more than a couple of times, but someone always came promptly when I did. A midwife even offered to take DD away for an hour or two so I could sleep as I hadn't slept in three days. I hated being in there, but it wasn't because of any lack of care, and I was carefully monitored post-op and always given meals on time, water replenished etc.

It seems to be a bit of a postcode lottery, or even dependent on who is on shift when you're in.

Have any of the people who posted here complained to the powers that be?? Have your partners?

Food was brought into our cubicles after we choose what we wanted earlier in the day from a list. It seems like there's no consistency between hospitals or base standards of care as other people's experiences are obviously very different

I had the most amazing midwife and student midwife throughout my labour. They we just great. However, their shift changed 45 mins before DS was born and the midwife who delivered him was the complete opposite. She laughed as she told me that if I didn't start pushing hard enough to get the placenta out then I'd have to go to theatre. I cried and told her off for laughing at me. DP later said he thought it was nervous laughter, but it was so unprofessional and did nothing to put me at ease. The way she worded needing to stitch me up was so negative. I finally got the placenta out and she said "right, more bad news, you're going to need stitches" I couldn't care less that I needed to have stitches after having been in labour for 23 hours and then pushing my baby out and being terrified I'd have to go to theatre because of a retained placenta. Stitches were the least of my worries by this point. She really could do with some training on how to word things positively.

@Jossina - no. Wish I had said something at the time, but was so shell shocked by the whole thing it passed me by. I don’t think I even received any birth notes!

I did @Jossina. In fact I'm sitting reading these comments and feeling like a bit of a dick for complaining officially now, because I got off so lightly compared to some posters. But that's the point- we can't keep thinking that treatment like this is normal or being grateful for receiving the bare standard of care, or else things are never going to change. I shouldn't be sitting here going, "oh well, at least I got pain relief/food brought to me"

Sister had a third degree tear and friend had an elective section and it was explained to both of them that the reason they make women in the ward get their own food, is to encourage them to keep moving and prevent blood clots. Also the more you get used to handling the baby yourself and keep moving with the baby in the hospital (where you can get emergency help), the less likely you are to get pnd. They asked the question though.

I think every example provided in this thread shows how important little things, like communication / asking questions / communication is. The NHS is designed for people who advocate for their own care and you just need to ask / badger / as much as possible.

I had a long labour with a change of shift part way through. First midwife was lovely, the second one came into the room, sat down and hunched over the notes and started writing furiously. And that's what she did for 12 hours. She didn't speak to me or encourage me, and spent most of her time with her back to me. The only conversation at all was an occasional 'can I examine you to see how far along you are?'. And once when she scolded me for not making enough effort because I lay down because I had been awake for 48 hours and was starting to pass out with pain and exhaustion. I wondered afterwards if I was just so out of it with pain that I didn't notice but my husband said the same.

The you’re not ill get on with it is taken to extremes. Basic care and kindness would go a long way and save money in the long run. I was induced Wednesday so no food then labour overnight. Had Baby Thursday morning. I wasn’t given tea or toast. No food until Thursday night. I couldn’t move I’d had an epidural and spinal. It’s then no wonder I struggled to breast feed I was dehydrated and hungry.
Dd then needed tube feeding. They showed me once, scared me to death saying if I did it wrong she’s aspirate. I asked midwife to watch first time I did it as I’d never bottle fed a baby let alone tube fed one. The comments in my notes were critical of me asking to be observed.

Antenatal and labour care were mostly fine. I managed to avoid the postnatal ward with my first 3 but my youngest 2 were c-sections so I had to stay. I spent most of the time on the postnatal ward in tears. Not being allowed decent pain meds and having to fetch and carry food, sterilise bottles and look after a poorly baby having just been sliced open. I remember at one point begging for ds to be transferred to the children's ward as I knew I would get more care there as a resident parent than on a ward where I was supposed to be a patient.

the reason they make women in the ward get their own food, is to encourage them to keep moving and prevent blood clots
Exactly how was I supposed to do that while paralysed from the chest down after major abdominal surgery? Or while attached to multiple drips with a catheter in (so no knickers on) and bleeding from the crotch? Imo the nurses use the “policy” as an excuse not to fetch you food even when you’re genuinely immobilised.

@Jossina I had an unconsented internal exam the day before DC1 was born. It was awful and only the threat to DCs life kept me in that hospital. It was 13 months later that my practice nurse explained I'd been assaulted by the male doctor.

It's now 4 years down the line. It took me until this year to request my notes. My next step is PALS but, since I still cry about it at random points, I'm working up the mental strength for that one.

The last 4 years have been very difficult ones and I'm having to pick my battles. If I sound defensive it's because I know I need to tackle this but I just feel paralysed and upset whenever I think about it.

You are SO right.

I was told I when I gently complained about a cocked up planned caesarean (leading to the need for a further operation) that I was lucky to have a live baby. In other words, be grateful and shut up.

I'm dubious about the reason for making you fetch your own food (although actually in the hospital I was in, that didn't happen thankfully). Why is it only new mothers who are forced to get their own food after surgery? If this were true, the heart bypass patients/hip replacement patients/hysterectomy patients would be made to fetch their food too.

I shirtily filled in the feedback form on the ward. Does that count Jossina?

For what it's worth I work with vulnerable adults in a safeguarding role. My colleagues and I would never dream of asking them why they didn't complain at the time if abusive behaviour later comes to light.

I can't speak for everyone but I could barely concentrate enough to choose what I wanted to watch on a TV in the days and weeks after giving birth, let alone write a coherent complaint. By the time I could do that the details were more fuzzy, the doubt about if I was making a fuss about nothing had set in and I just wanted to move on.

We shouldn't have to complain to get a basic standard of care. Complaints are for when things go wrong, complaints won't change a baseline culture where people believe it's acceptable to treat women like this. They don't think they are doing anything wrong, that's why it's accepted as normal care.

I've had other surgeries and oddly enough, was not made to fetch my own food and water right after, so that's a load of bollocks.