To think buying things for a baby doesn't cause miscarriage

[AliceAbsolum]

Newly pregnant, due in July. Thrilled. My mum said to me yesterday "Now don't start buying anything until after spring next year, you'll jinx it".

Sorry what?

Is this a 'boomer' thing?

I mean I don't intend to have the pram downstairs ready to go for 6 months and a fully decorated nursery, but getting the odd thing, especially in the January sales seems sensible to me

I had a July baby actually born in June but due in July. I bought a couple of baby grows in the sales. But you don’t need to buy everything in the January sales there are always baby sales threw the year with baby events and bank holidays and what not xx

I'm also due in July. I already have practically everything for the baby as I already have 5 children. I'll buy a few new clothes but not until after the 20 week scan when I've found out if it's a boy or girl. I'm also going to buy a new double buggy as I also have a toddler, but I probably won't buy that until just before the baby's due.

Obviously buying things early won't make you miscarry, like if you tell people you're pregnant before 12 weeks it won't make you miscarry, but sadly some people do and if you've already got everything around you it'll make it harder. Your mum's probably just trying to be helpful.

don't fill your jamjar with water until you've caught your first fish

That's not a saying I've ever heard before. It's not a saying. It's just a way of behaving. You don't fill your container until you have something to put into it, otherwise you won't find anything.

People take so much for granted these days.
Buying stuff doesn’t cause miscarriage but it can make things way more heartbreaking if things go wrong. And honestly I see it as a miracle when things go right - there’s so much can go wrong.

Equally, I really don’t feel comfortable about baby showers. Celebrating when there’s still a way to go - including the birth.

I didn’t buy anything until quite late in my pregnancy, “just in case.”
The thought of having a nursery with loads of baby paraphernalia and not being able to use them/get rid , was too sad to think about.

I’m sorry to those who have posted, who have lost their little ones.

@Gallivespian I didn't write that

I can see why people wait.

But my MIL got very salty and said telling people before 12 weeks or having baby stuff in the house before baby came would cause miscarriage/ stillbirth. She said it more than once. She had a number of miscarriages between her children. Which is very sad, but she partly blames herself for them because she allowed herself to get excited and talk about babies. It's heartbreaking really, but saying women must conform to superstitions allows miscarriage to remain stigmatised with mums suffering in silence or blaming themselves (or sometimes being blamed by friends and family) for something which is out of their control.

I think you were over-thinking it. Jinxing isn't a thing whatever it's applied to, and it was a bit of a silly thing to say given that we all know buying baby stuff doesn't cause a miscarriage. However, as many people have said, sadly pregnancies can end before the 12 week mark...

My daughter and her husband had absolutely everything bought and set up well before the baby was due. The car seat was fixed in the car a month before, and the crib set up. It freaked me out.

I'm not remotely superstitious but it worried me that if anything went wrong with the birth, they would be coming home to a house that looked as though a baby already lived there.

I have no truck with either the boomer or millennial thing. But if it is older people that worry about this stuff, maybe it's because they've had more life experience, and seen more sad outcomes to pregnancies and births.

Is this a 'boomer' thing?

You mean the boomer generation that fought for your maternity rights and equality for women? Those boomers?

She’s not saying it will cause miscarriage and no it’s not a ‘boomer’ thing either. I’m far from being a ‘boomer’ (which is a shitty thing to say) but I never bought anything significant until relatively late in the pregnancy because if I’d lost the baby, the last thing I’d want to see straight after is a new pram etc.

As if there is a way of making a miscarriage easier.

My Mum had the same view point - it was always just a big stick for her to wave about how she would do parenthood the right way and to have a different opinion would be the wrong way. You could curse yourself by being too happy.

Of all the things to be upset by when you lose a baby, the things are not the loss you will feel

I was as gentle and as limited or as abundant as I needed to be in my pregnancies. You do you.

I spent my only successful pregnancy getting a scan every two weeks (not in the UK, obvs) to be sure the foetus was all right, and I refused to buy anything for the baby till about a month before it was due, and even then.. I agree with Wonderbag.

As PP said, I’m also uncomfortable with baby showers. I prefer to celebrate when the baby is born.

My DM also said similar things but I’m not superstitious. However there is some sense in it. I never take my future for granted, let alone an unborn child’s so don’t plan too far ahead. I have no reason, in that I’m not ill as far as I know but seems sensible to me.

I personally wouldn't but then I've known several people who've had still births and third trimester losses as well as terminations for medical reasons when issues were found at the 20 week scan. I can't imagine having a house full of baby things and no baby to bring home.

Buying things doesn't CAUSE a miscarriage but I wouldn't buy anything until at least after the 20 week scan

A bit like why I'm confused as to why you shouldn't tell people if you want too? I can smell the patriarchy somewhere in this.. grinhmm

You can tell people whenever you like. I chose not to make broad announcements having seen what happened to a friend who had bad news at her 12 week scan and ultimately chose to have a TFMR. The number of people who had an opinion about what she should do or who lined up to judge her was ridiculous.

Sometimes it’s about protecting yourself from pregnancy discrimination, especially with higher miscarriage rates in the first trimester. So yeah, patriarchy.

Sometimes it’s just because the person feels pretty private about it. It’s a choice.

@Gallivespian

Aren't you forgetting all the love you could gain by telling people about your pregnancy or loss?

You carry around so much grief and darkness inside of you and I'll be damned if I need to keep the silence to make someone else's world a little easier. What you lose in insensitive remarks, some people find it easier to have more people know of the light that entered the world before it went out.

I'm not saying people should tell before 12 weeks, or they shouldn't. That people should buy everything, or should buy nothing. But we should all navigate our pregnancy stories however we see fit.

It’s not a “boomer thing”, it’s a superstitious thing. I’m not usually at all superstitious but I didn’t buy anything until after the 20 week scan because I felt “safe” to do so then. I am definitely a millennial and not a boomer.

By all means though crack on and do what you want.

May as well wait. We bought lots of stuff over a weekend when 7 months pregnant. 2 days later we got the news our baby wouldn't live. It was tough putting all the stuff away. Thankfully we have used it since but I'd wait until at least after the 20 week scan.

You mean the boomer generation that fought for your maternity rights and equality for women? Those boomers?

Yeah, those boomers - the ones that voted to leave the European Union? The European Union that issued a directive ensuring that all working women in the UK had the right to paid maternity leave because at the time we lagged so far behind other European countries on maternity rights? And also issued a directive prohibiting employment discrimination?

The stats are actually not too horrendous though. At 8 weeks if you see a heartbeat the risk is less than 5%...thats pretty small imo.

5% is 1 in 20. Not that small if you think about it. Also, it doesn't include foetuses that have abnormalities incompatible with life outside the womb and will either be aborted or die shortly after birth.

For me, the risk felt high enough that I waited until way past 20 weeks.

OP, I've just read your other threads - it's fantastic you are now pregnant after your IVF - that must have been gruelling. You must be so excited.

But nobody's trying to piss on your chips here; miscarriages are a sad reality.

(Speaking as one of these "less than 5% chance of miscarriage after 8-week scan" women who had one at 12 weeks).

I think it's generally accepted now to buy things after you've had the 12 week scan? Obviously things can still go wrong after this point (god forbid) but I wouldn't have bought anything until after that scan xx

No but the Patriarchy does like "women's troubles" to be quiet and not make other people uncomfortable doesn't it.

FFS, sometimes some women don't want to ramble on and talk about their dead babies, who gives a shit how others feel if the mother is the one who is not comfortable?

Blaming the patriarchy for everything and any natural human reaction is just pathetic.