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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you find difficult about Christmas, if you do?

162 replies

ChristmasOnTheHorizon · 21/11/2019 15:58

A significant difference for me this year is I think I have come close to accepting that it is not likely I will ever have a (biological) child of my own.

It's also just not the same for me since a couple of bereavements.

Will have 2 texts from family of origin, which is slightly sad and uncomfortable, when friends are so close to their families for the most part. Of course they don't have perfect relationships (who does!) but...I can remember when I had that (sort of?...I guess maybe it wasn't what I thought) and now I don't. My friends are lovely but spread out across the world and I'm not really on anyone's radar at Christmas either, so we won't have parties or gatherings there in lieu of family stuff. I wish I had a few people who would be thrilled to hear from me, or who would be keen to pick up the phone and call themselves!

HOWEVER, I am very lucky as have wonderful dp and we will have a very cosy and festive time together Smile despite my above moaning for what I don't have! I suppose it's alway the way.

For some reason, I felt a wobble about it today, feels therapeutic to write it down.

What do you find hard about Christmas, and why?

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 22/11/2019 14:56

I can't have children. Every time I buy presents for my nephews it reminds me of how I will never be buying for my own and will never make my DH a father and he would be such a good one. We do our best to enjoy it though, but everyone keeps commenting on how Christmas is for the children, which just rams that little shard deeper into my heart everytime I hear it.

I don't hear from my father anymore. I have so many years of awful christmas memories because of him, but I still on some level want a dad like others seem to have. Also in the back of my mind I am still nervous because my abusive exes both used to be particularly nasty on Christmas Day and even though my DH is the loveliest man ever, I am always a bit on edge all day.

grisen · 22/11/2019 15:39

i moved abroad and my first Christmas after moving my great nan passed away after a long illness. I’d lived with her on and off for a while before moving and we’d always spend a few days in the weeks before Christmas baking cookies and decorating her house.

Now I try to do Christmas but it’s not the same.

SuperMeerkat · 22/11/2019 16:20

I feel dreadfully sad that DH and I will never have our own baby to love and cherish. We’re both blessed to be parents with exes (I have one, he has two) but i’d have loved to have had at least another one with him. Sorry if I sound selfish and ungrateful to anyone who can’t have children btw 😔

Robs20 · 22/11/2019 16:22

My 1 year old daughter died in January. We had the most wonderful Christmas last year. It will feel so quiet and boring without her here this year :(

The80sweregreat · 22/11/2019 16:26

Visiting dad in the care home on Christmas Day ( he has dementia and been advised not to take him out of there for the day)
First one for dh without any family at all ( his mum died this year and he only had me and the kids now)
The general feeling that we should all be having fun when really it should be about family and spending time together not how much things cost etc. The work involved beforehand and during ; all that food shopping for one day!
It can a tiring time of year I think.

The80sweregreat · 22/11/2019 16:27

Robs2, I am sorry to read that.
So sad for you. It must be hard but Christmas makes it worse.

Chocolateandamaretto · 22/11/2019 16:30

Anything I could say would feel petty and small on this thread.

Flowers and love to anyone who is missing a loved one or dealing with bereavement or childlessness this Christmas xxx

Lozz22 · 22/11/2019 16:35

We lost our first 2 Babies around Christmas time the first one at the beginning of Dec 17 the second one Christmas Day 18 we've lost another 2 Babies within the last 5 months. I can't even start to imagine celebrating Christmas this year so I've nominated myself to work for the lots of it just to take my mind off things

CJSmith2019 · 22/11/2019 16:38

So sorry for all who are grievingFlowers

For me, it's so so. I enjoy some bits but after a few days of close quarters particularly with one sibling, I'm longing for it to be over.

dottiedodah · 22/11/2019 17:03

Some of these stories are truly heartbreaking .I always feel a bit emotional at this time of year too DM died 5 days before Christmas ,and it will be 10 years ago this year .Im aware that I have my own family and friends and am thankful ,but she was such a big part of Christmas would get so excited and love all my decorations and party food . She was ill and in a home ,but we would go to see her and take a big bag of presents .She was 85 but it still hurts somehow .Aware how that sounds!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 22/11/2019 17:11

I am not an Xmas fan, now I hate the vast amount of plastic tat currently being advertised. All made in China, by low wage workers, brought to Europe in polluting container ships, most of it will be dumped in land fill or polluting incinerators shortly after the ONE day event

Is this for real? People on this thread are talking about christmases after losing people, not being able to have children and marriage break ups.....and you come on to complain about fucking plastic? How insensitive.

dottiedodah · 22/11/2019 17:15

Speakout that was a moving post ,very well put xx

dottiedodah · 22/11/2019 17:24

Topseyr hugs to you .Lost my old Dal a week before Christmas too . At least hes out of pain now ,.That was a few years ago now ,never thought we would have another dog ,but have a girl dallie who is lovely . Maybe in time you will feel like getting another one ,doesnt replace him obviously .xx

The80sweregreat · 22/11/2019 17:49

Itsgoodtibehome,
Well put. It is an odd day. I always feel so sorry for ones that work on that day who really do not want to. I feel bad because I've never had to work over Christmas.
It has a strange feel to it and I'm glad when it's all over. You then have the weird bit between Christmas and new year! New year can be strange too and lots of people hate that just as much.
I think most of it is nonsense. It must be nice to be religious as then it would mean something more than just food / presents and it's different as children grow up too ; they go off to the pub or out with friends or parties leaving the parents to talk about ' Christmas isn't what it was' !
No wonder some people go away on holiday.

CSIblonde · 22/11/2019 18:00

I like the run up & the decorations but find it hard because my terminally ill Dad took a real turn for the worse at Xmas & died 5weeks later. He loved Xmas & planning nice food & watching the Morecambe & "Wise Christmas special etc. It's just not the same now. It helps to remember that lots of families spending unusual amounts of time together are ready to kill each other come Boxing Day & that the sales starting next day means its over quicker now. (back in the day they didn't start on Boxing Day).

Strongteaplease · 22/11/2019 18:24

Reading the posts on this thread has made me realise I'm not alone and I want to give all of you a Flowers and a piece of Christmas Cake. I've also suffered childhood trauma that affected my Christmases since I was small and numerous bereavements one after the other. I will try to give my children a nice christmas IE presents, pretty tree, lots of indulgent food but I'll be desperate for it to be over with as I get so lonely and yet crave time to myself which is strange. It will just be them and me.

Bluewavescrashing · 22/11/2019 18:27

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I don't think it's insensitive, it's a big issue actually.

Brigante9 · 22/11/2019 20:49

Hugs to all those who are missing family members. My dad died very unexpectedly this year and I’m very deliberately spending a few days with mum before Christmas (5 hour trip) because I couldn’t bear to spend time with the wider family who are all going away together. Oddly, I decided to spend Christmas with my parents last year, which I haven’t done since I was married years and years ago. Bloody glad I did.

Andromeida59 · 22/11/2019 21:26

I should have been due in January. This should have been our last Christmas as just the two of us.

Thisnamechanger · 22/11/2019 21:28

Not much point doing Xmas with DM. She was the family lynchpin.

CheeryB · 22/11/2019 21:32

Very disruptive Sen daughter so can't go anywhere or have anybody to stay over. Been the same for over 30 years.

ParkheadParadise · 22/11/2019 21:37

I actually hate Christmas now. Every Christmas I now buy wreaths for Dd1 and go to the cemetery. Dd2 is 4 now and I've had to learn to put on a happy face for her.

If I could sleep through it I would. New Year is even worse, I will be going to bed before the bells.

SabineUndine · 22/11/2019 21:41

The80sweregreat exactly what you said. I haven't celebrated Christmas for years - parents now dead and I hated spending Christmas with them, LC with only sibling. It's like a massive party that I'm not invited to because everyone spends it with family. I'm single and childless. I don't feel lonely at Christmas, so much as bored. I'm really glad when it's over, and into the weird time between Christmas and new year. Time for reflection and planning. The best thing about Christmas I suppose is that it's a marker. You can start to look forward to spring once it's over.

Hugs to everyone missing a loved one.

speakout · 22/11/2019 21:49

ParkheadParadise

Please don't do this to your daughter, I grew up in a similar position to your DD2 and it blighted my life. She deserves more, and you need to find a more functional way of living. I understand you pain, but your DD won't be fobbed off.

ParkheadParadise · 22/11/2019 22:08

@speakout
My daughter is a happy confident little girl. I was 7mths pregnant with her when Dd1 died.
She has never known Dd1 or had a sibling in her life.
I would NEVER let her see the pain or grief that I live with.
I don't like Christmas but I would never let it affect my dd.