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Original poster

To ask what you find difficult about Christmas, if you do?

162 replies

ChristmasOnTheHorizon · 21/11/2019 15:58

A significant difference for me this year is I think I have come close to accepting that it is not likely I will ever have a (biological) child of my own.

It's also just not the same for me since a couple of bereavements.

Will have 2 texts from family of origin, which is slightly sad and uncomfortable, when friends are so close to their families for the most part. Of course they don't have perfect relationships (who does!) but...I can remember when I had that (sort of?...I guess maybe it wasn't what I thought) and now I don't. My friends are lovely but spread out across the world and I'm not really on anyone's radar at Christmas either, so we won't have parties or gatherings there in lieu of family stuff. I wish I had a few people who would be thrilled to hear from me, or who would be keen to pick up the phone and call themselves!

HOWEVER, I am very lucky as have wonderful dp and we will have a very cosy and festive time together Smile despite my above moaning for what I don't have! I suppose it's alway the way.

For some reason, I felt a wobble about it today, feels therapeutic to write it down.

What do you find hard about Christmas, and why?

OP posts:
UnaCorda · 21/11/2019 23:34

Being single. Being childless. Compounded by all my siblings (and cousins) being married with children.

foxyknoxy30 · 22/11/2019 06:28

I agree with how the pp said how her soul is crying out for her dad ,this I totally get since my mum died and couldn't have explained it any better.The ghosts of Christmas pasts will be swirling around and it's bloody hard.

speakout · 22/11/2019 06:35

I am sorry for everyone feeling the pain of loss or longing- christmas makes it so much harder.
We needn't feel forced into having a christmas that doesn't feel right.
I have suffered a bereavement at christmas too, and I know the pain is amplified at christmas time.
I often wish for a large extended family close by, they re scattered over the globe and I don't get as much as a christmas card from sister, aunts, uncles, cousins.

Having said that they are a bunch of villains and thieves, so maybe it is best I have just a coupld of close people near me.

bellinisurge · 22/11/2019 06:38

My parents are both dead now. It's an exercise of "fake it to make it" for me for my DD's sake.
It's exhausting.

TeaLibrary · 22/11/2019 06:49

I have come to dread Christmas. Multiple bereavement this year and in recent years. I just feel numb.

Pinkarsedfly · 22/11/2019 06:51

My dad died last week. Christmas can go fuck itself.

speakout · 22/11/2019 06:56

I think even with loss in our heart it is possible to enjoy some aspects of christmas.
I don't agree with faking it. Like many things in life christmas can be bittersweet, and to embrace that makes it easier to bear.
We don't have to be rocking around the christmas tree, we can allow the mixed emotions and feelings to exist.
I like to have time for quiet contemplation at christmas, to think abiut those I have lost, but also remember that the pain of loss is because we love.
To have had life or living a life is a precious thing. For me that is a celebration. However much pain.
To have light in the darkness, a fire, a spark, some energy to seek joy and wonder.
Christmas is a poignant time, but I will continue to seek hope despite despair. For ourselves and those we have lost.

No one has the type of christmas that exists in TV ads. Most of us have a warty, knobbly mis-shapen type of chrismas, with some sadness, mis matching cutlery and a wobbly table leg.

But that is real life, and one that I grasp with both hands. Surviving.

Pinkarsedfly · 22/11/2019 06:58

Nice post, speakout

LakieLady · 22/11/2019 07:02

Christmas is really pretty rubbish for anyone who doesn't really fit the "2.4 children/happy family/all together on the day" model.

I'm childfree, parents are dead; DP's son spends every Christmas with his mother, DGD goes to her other GPs with her mum. DP and I stay home alone, just the two of us, stuff ourselves silly and get slightly pissed.

We have a lovely time, just chilling and doing exactly what we want, and manage to avoid all but one event with his extended family and a day with DSS and DGD (although last year we both had flu and even that was cancelled).

The only things that piss me off are the relentless cheesy Xmas music in all the fucking shops and the almost complete absence of anything worth watching on terrestrial tv (we're Sky/Virgin refuseniks, though, so we probably have only ourselves to blame for that).

This probably sounds grim and cheerless to most people, but several days lying on the sofa reading is heaven for me!

sandgrown · 22/11/2019 07:11

I am very lucky that I have alternate Christmas' with my adult children and grandchildren. When they are at their dad's house we celebrate with close friends. DP suffers with depression and for the last three years has gone into meltdown about this time of year. Two years ago we had booked to go to London, with teenage DS, between Christmas and New Year and on the morning of travel he refused to come. Last year he did not speak to me and teenage DS for 2 months and refused to come to DD's for Christmas dinner. The fact he was sat alone ruined the day for us. This week he has caused a row with DS and is not speaking so it is happening again. His ideal Christmas would be just us three at home but he does nothing to help, drinks too much and then falls asleep. I suspect this will be our last Christmas together after years of trying to "make him better"
My heartfelt sympathy to those missing people at Christmas. My mum died 24 years ago and I still miss her.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 22/11/2019 07:19

I live on the other side of the world to the rest of my family, that's always hard on the years we don't come back to England.
Also on Aug 3rd this year my mum passed away, so it'll be double as difficult this year.
Plus, it's going to be hot and I'll be 38 weeks pregnant.
I do look for the best in each situation though so I know I'll be OK. Hope you all have a good one x

Booksandwine80 · 22/11/2019 07:24

I find it hard and anxiety inducing trying to please both sides of the family. My mum is a nightmare and always causes a drama (she made me cry last Christmas Day).

Flowers for anyone finding it tough

CrowleysBentley · 22/11/2019 07:25

It's just me and my 2 young adult DC for Christmas (as it usually is), I am NC with my family and their father and his family haven't bothered about them for the last 18 years. We have fun, lots of nice food and drink, games and stuff, but it does highlight that it is just the 3 of us. DD is working Christmas eve afternoon and evening (pub/restaurant), and DS is working boxing day from 7pm to 7am too, so its really just the one day for us.

BillHadersNewWife · 22/11/2019 07:25

I'm not 6 anymore and it's not 1978. The joy of those times...

welshladywhois40 · 22/11/2019 07:25

My mother passed away on Christmas Day a few years ago - that's it so I often find it hard to do the whole Christmas thing.

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 22/11/2019 07:29

Lovely post speakout

Grobagsforever · 22/11/2019 07:33

I hate it, always have as Christmas was unhappy as kids as single parent DM always used to cry at some point. Hate the greed and commercialism and waste.

But most of all I hate that DH won't be there to see my daughters (5 and 9) open their stockings, he died just before DD2 was born. His birthday is December so can be grim from start to finish.

speakout · 22/11/2019 07:36

dirtyrottenscoundrel , Pinkarsedfly. x

AmberAndAlexsMum · 22/11/2019 07:41

My DP died, without any warning, on December 29th 2014. I only do Christmas for my children now.

tactum · 22/11/2019 07:42

DM has dementia and is in the difficult twilight zone of being aware enough to be anxious and upset about things, but not able to articulate enough or do anything about them. 'Managing' her for the few hours she'll come out of her care home to ours is a big strain but we do it because in there somewhere is the familiarity and enjoyment of tradition for her. She doesn't really know who my children are anymore.

DB is terminally ill with 3 teenage children. This will be his last Christmas and the forced jolity or otherwise required is excruciating.

DFIL who also has dementia was rushed to hospital yesterday with serious respiratory infection and is clinging on.

Haven't bought a thing, thought about anything. Usually I'm Mrs Christmas.....just want a year off please.

Thoughts with all those in similarly crappy and upsetting situations x

RickOShay · 22/11/2019 07:43

@speakout
Thank you. That was well said.

Herocomplex · 22/11/2019 07:45

@sandgrown sounds like next year could be a whole lot different, best of luck with it all, I think you’ve tried your best.

Batinahat · 22/11/2019 07:50

I find Christmas difficult for some of the reasons already shared - bereavement, family illness and also dynamics between family members and the pressure. Me and my OH usually go away now and just have a nice break but don't especially treat it as Christmas. For those who are alone at Christmas and want to connect with others Sarah Millican started movement on Twitter where anyone wanted to join in conversations and feel less alone uses the hashtag #joinin on Christmas day and it's a way to connect up with others in a similar boat. It can be a comfort x

zemblanity · 22/11/2019 07:58

My dad died a few years ago and it's never been the same since. My family pretend it's all wonderful and happy but it all feels so forced.
Dh and I are struggling to conceive which also doesn't help.
Last year it was just the 2 of us which was nice. This year I want to hide under a blanket until New Year's Day.

Stillfunny · 22/11/2019 08:05

I used to love Christmas when all my family was together. I even accepted the changes that inevitably comes when my parents passed away.
But this year will be pretty crap too. As was last year when my DH was so neglectful to me. Turns out his head was occupied with his alternative secret cheating life.
So now, it is going to be horrible to go through the motions. My DS does not want to see him , my DD will probably want to go to her boyfriend 's to get away. So I will be here with an elderly relative and STBX .