To ask what you find difficult about Christmas, if you do?

[ChristmasOnTheHorizon]

A significant difference for me this year is I think I have come close to accepting that it is not likely I will ever have a (biological) child of my own.

It's also just not the same for me since a couple of bereavements.

Will have 2 texts from family of origin, which is slightly sad and uncomfortable, when friends are so close to their families for the most part. Of course they don't have perfect relationships (who does!) but...I can remember when I had that (sort of?...I guess maybe it wasn't what I thought) and now I don't. My friends are lovely but spread out across the world and I'm not really on anyone's radar at Christmas either, so we won't have parties or gatherings there in lieu of family stuff. I wish I had a few people who would be thrilled to hear from me, or who would be keen to pick up the phone and call themselves!

HOWEVER, I am very lucky as have wonderful dp and we will have a very cosy and festive time together despite my above moaning for what I don't have! I suppose it's alway the way.

For some reason, I felt a wobble about it today, feels therapeutic to write it down.

What do you find hard about Christmas, and why?

I always used to host Christmas at my home, then my DH passed away on December 2nd 2015. His funeral was 9 days before christmas. That was the first Christmas I sent my 2 dad's to their biological father while I stayed home alone with my grief.

The boys now spend every Christmas with their biological father. They seem happy enough and I can distract myself.

One of my best friends died on Christmas Eve when I was 18. Once you've had a really awful Christmas like that one, it colours it for good and it's always a melancholy time. I don't have much family and this will be my 10th Christmas since I split with my ex. I shall see my parents for a few hours on the day itself but that's it (we get on well enough but we're not close and once lunch is over with they just sit and watch TV). The one thing that helped with Christmas was seeing my adored nan but she died three years ago. I struggle very much over the Christmas period, and work shuts down for a week, so I pretty much see no one for most of it as all my friends have family. I start dreading it from November onwards, to be honest.

ShatnersWig I am sorry to hear things are so tough.

Once you've had a really awful Christmas like that one, it colours it for good and it's always a melancholy time.

This is not set in stone. I lost my OH and my DF a few weeks before christmas ( not the same year).
If we allow it loss can heightem the importance of life. Loss shows us the true nature of love.
If we can have the courage to open our hearts and find joy even after loss, thhen that joy is sweet.
Life is short and years slip though our fingers like grains of sand.
I have had a lot of trauma in my life, been alone and homeless at christmas, been abused, at times very afraid and lost.
I now claim my right to find joy and fight harder to find it because of my experiences.
I hope you can too. X

I am not an Xmas fan, now I hate the vast amount of plastic tat currently being advertised. All made in China, by low wage workers, brought to Europe in polluting container ships, most of it will be dumped in land fill or polluting incinerators shortly after the ONE day event.

Christmas is a time to appreciate what you have and while I have a lovely family in terms of parents, grandparents etc. I have a son but can't help but pine for another baby or even a partner. I don't have any close relationships in terms of friends either so I know Christmas is going to make me sad and I'll be alone crying my eyes out on New Year's Eve, it's becoming a tradition

It makes me realise how lonely I am and how empty my life can feel at times

For those who have been bereaved how about creating a remembrance christmas tree?
Just a small tree with decorations that you know would have pleased the person you are missing.Just an idea.

speakout I dare say if I didn't spend the best part of a whole week on my own, or had a partner, or siblings, it might help.

I know life is shit ad short. Two years after that friend died at Christmas my first girlfriend was killed in a car crash. I lost two more good friends within 18 months of the other when I was 30 - one through car crash, one though an aneurysm shortly after they'd given birth to their second child. I sat with my nan for four weeks while she effectively starved herself to death in hospital because she'd had enough. I'm 45 and have given eulogies at seven funerals.

Coping with life is what you do day to day but Christmas IS difficult for many people for many reasons and the problem is it's almost impossible to escape it. It's rammed down our throats for six weeks. Everyone thinks you're a fucking leper if you're not leaping up and down with love of Christmas without stopping to think maybe there's a reason why.

I find it difficult having to be around my sisters creepy fiancée...

I've known him since I was 20 (he's 11 years older than me and 9 years older than my sister), and almost since that first time we met, he's made odd sexual advances towards me, like "I'll buy you a thing, if you wear a skimpy dress for me", or "I'll give you £30 of Amazon vouchers, if you buy a erotic novel with it, and tell me which one you got."

When I was younger, I kind of didn't realise how fucking gross it was. Now I'm like, "BLERGH!"

Unfortunately, he's still around, but I do everything in my power to limit my contact with him. I don't follow him on social media, and ignore most/all of his attempts to interact with me.
When I was about 25, I went to see the Monty Python musical with him (he paid), which was a great show. But then he proceeded to have a go at me that I hadn't seemed like I really enjoyed it (I did), and that I wasn't "grateful enough". Despite the fact I'd said thank you at the time, and expressed to him that I'd enjoyed it.
From then, I was "done" with him. I accept no gifts, no outings, nothing. I'm polite for my sisters sake, but beyond that, we have no relationship. If he and my sister were to break up, I'd drop and block him from here to eternity.

My brother died Christmas Day. Obviously it's a sad day. Can't wait for the day to be over.

My grandparents who were the only ones who truly loved/cared for me are long dead.

My parents are still going but really don't give two shits if they see me or not.

I have 4 beautiful children who I desperately try to make Christmas good for but they'll spend the whole time wanting to go to their father's house because obviously everything he does is always amazing but nothing I do is ever good enough/right and I'm kinda getting to the point now where I don't even want to try anymore because it doesn't matter anyway.

This is my first Christmas in 14 years that I'm single again. Two failed LTR and a serious mental breakdown in the summer mean this year I just want it to be over with

Thanks for starting this thread - it's really helpful to see how many others don't have the 'perfect' family Xmas that appears to be the norm on TV and Facebook.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional single parent household with narcissistic and struggling DM and 2 younger DSis. I have quite negative associations with Xmas from that time - most years my DM would go ballistic with the stress of it all a couple of weeks beforehand, have a massive screaming fit and declare Christmas cancelled this year. Then, inevitably, on Xmas eve she'd wake me up in the night (usually stinking of booze) and I'd have to help her wrap the presents so that we could have some kind of Xmas day after all (I was the eldest). This happened until I moved to a different country with other people at age 12. I can't imagine doing this to my own child.

I'm now nearly 50, have a wonderful 12-y-o DD. Don't have much contact with DM and DSis, it's been too hard over the years, and we're still on different continents. My DF lives in the UK but has never been particularly interested in being a dad or a grandfather, sadly, so we're almost NC too. I have no extended family. I split up with DD's DF when she was 2 but we still coparent fairly amicably. I have a DH who is an only child with DP who don't really do Xmas (mental health issues). But I'm incredibly grateful that my EX-P has a truly wonderful mum and lovely brother, who are happy to get together so we can all give my DD some kind of proper 'family' Xmas every year. But I do feel very sad (hidden from DD) that I have no family to share with her myself, and sometimes feel like a cuckoo in the nest at these 'family' events, despite everyone's kindness. Also would have loved more children but miscarriages and age meant it was not to be, so that's another layer of sad.

Thanks to everyone who has shared their pain, their stories and their strength. You are brave and honest and amazing. My heart goes out to all those who have lost those close to you.

I feel very much like you OP. 3 years of ttc so far and Christmas always brings home that we don't have a child of our own. I have a lot of nephews and neices who all get really excited before Christmas and it just makes me wish I had a little one to celebrate with.

Sorry to all the ones who lost people around Christmas time, it is hard.

I never was someone who did a huge family Christmas. Ok, I am German and we do Christmas on Christmas Eve but it was always just DM, DF, sister and me. We may visitied family later the week but that was it. I never felt I miss someone.

With DH it was similar. I work in a position and sector which means I do work all days apart from CD and BD unless there are weekends in between. I am more than glad that there is no big rowdy crowd around and I can put my feet up with the simple Christmas we do. No dramas, no pressure. I love it.

DD is a single child and while she enjoys the activities we do during December she is always ready for the school holidays and need to re-charge. No way I would drag her around. We had my mum over some years but we never visited her or PIL as a) I can't get the time off to fly home and b) I don't want to drag DD and presents around. Luckily we have very understanding family.

"@worlybear*

"For those who have been bereaved how about creating a remembrance christmas tree?
Just a small tree with decorations that you know would have pleased the person you are missing.Just an idea."
I have one which we take to the Gardens of Remembrance for my DF. Each year I buy a new ornament for it and we go on Christmas morning to do the switching on of the lights.

I've only recently started to enjoy Christmas (I'm 30).
As a child it was almost always awful. My dear gran died on Christmas Eve...she was prepping food, sat down for a rest and never got up again.
I could always feel my mum's intense sadness at this time of year and my dad's depression/anger issues/drinking always escalated too. It would all end with a big row on Christmas Eve/Day - tears, shouting, smashed things, visits from the police etc.
There was very little money too so very few presents to look forward to.
After we left my dad it was just me and my mum, so a quiet day with some food and festive TV and a few token gifts. It was Ok but I always felt jealous of my friends who had siblings, nice parents that were still together, pets, lots of presents, big roast dinner for lots of people etc. I felt like I was the only one who felt Christmas was a bit crap. I guess my own family never felt like a "real" family and Christmas brought that home.
Now it's much better - lovely DH, his family are nice too and come to us to spend the day, plus my mum and her new partner and all our dogs. We cook a big dinner, buy lots of presents and spend the day watching Christmas films. I feel like I'm making up for all the other dismal Christmases by creating good memories to replace the bad ones.

Mine isn't the sad story that many have of you have put on here, and I'm sorry to those of you with such sad losses.

I just find the whole day really depressing. I do have my own family and a young child who obviously loves Christmas, so I suppose it ought to feel more magical. I just find it to be a massive anti-climax. All the presents that you so enthusiastically bought and wrapped suddenly look a bit crap all dumped in a pile on the floor. You spend hours cooking a glorified roast dinner which then fills everyone up before you even get to the pudding or cheese course. You then sit around in an over-heated room watching crap TV. I always end the day feeling bloated, lethargic, slightly depressed, claustrophobic and itching to get back to normality.

Gosh - I sound like a right bah-humbug but I just find it a really weird day!!

itsgoodtobehome

Christmas day is just one of the highlights of christmas for me. In fact the whole of December is peppered with activities and festive fun. Whether it's making candles, paper snowflakes, spice spirits, baking festive bread.
We plan to vivit the cinema and theatre.
I celebrate christmas, solstice and yule.
Lots of woodland walks, avoiding tat, watching very little TV, maybe the odd movie.
I pick and choose the parts that work for me, ditching anything tat is not enhancing.
You don't "have" to slave over a christmas roast dinner that you don't enjoy- you can eat exactly as you please. Go for a walk after dinner, turn off the TV. Make up you own traditions, your own rules.

I am often skint, which never helps. I also have this time of year in general as it is dark so early and the days are so short. It certainly affects my mood.

When I look back over the last 30 or so years it seems that many of the people I have loved and lost have actually died at around this time of year, in the run up to Christmas. I do still have my parents, but they are elderly and in failing health.

This year a good friend of mine has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness so that is very sad.

Almost three weeks ago my wonderful 15 year old labrador dog died of old age. He had been one of the most loyal friends I have ever had.

Christmas!! I'll make the effort and enjoy Christmas Day with my husband and my three more or less grown up daughters. It will be nice on the day and we will all walk up to a local hotel for Christmas Dinner and wine.

I'm finding it very hard to get into though. I think it gets harder every year as there are fewer and fewer of the people I used to spend it with left. Sometimes I just want to hibernate and wake up sometime in January when it is all over.

I hate it. People have birthdays for presents why do they need them at Xmas too.

Most arent even religious they are just pressured into spending money.

dottypotter why do they " need" presents at birthday time?

I'm not religious- doesn't stop me celebrating christmas.

This year we resigned ourselves to the fact that we will never have a child as I am now 45 and that was the age I set myself as my “give up if it hasn’t happened by then” age. So this year will be harder because previously I still had hope. Now even that’s gone.

We live far away from any family. My family are all in the UK and DH’s closest family are 500 miles away across the other side of the state and the rest are a few thousand miles away. So it’s usually a very lonely time.

because its your special day thats why.

Christmas is supposedly someone elses birthday if you believe it so why do you need presents on someone elses birthday

How about a celebrating nature day instead of a big fat man in a suit that isnt even true.

dottypotter i don't celebrate anyon'e birthday at christmas time.

For me - and indeed most of us it is a secular or even pagan festival.

Nothing to do with god.