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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you find difficult about Christmas, if you do?

162 replies

ChristmasOnTheHorizon · 21/11/2019 15:58

A significant difference for me this year is I think I have come close to accepting that it is not likely I will ever have a (biological) child of my own.

It's also just not the same for me since a couple of bereavements.

Will have 2 texts from family of origin, which is slightly sad and uncomfortable, when friends are so close to their families for the most part. Of course they don't have perfect relationships (who does!) but...I can remember when I had that (sort of?...I guess maybe it wasn't what I thought) and now I don't. My friends are lovely but spread out across the world and I'm not really on anyone's radar at Christmas either, so we won't have parties or gatherings there in lieu of family stuff. I wish I had a few people who would be thrilled to hear from me, or who would be keen to pick up the phone and call themselves!

HOWEVER, I am very lucky as have wonderful dp and we will have a very cosy and festive time together Smile despite my above moaning for what I don't have! I suppose it's alway the way.

For some reason, I felt a wobble about it today, feels therapeutic to write it down.

What do you find hard about Christmas, and why?

OP posts:
Orangeblossom78 · 21/11/2019 18:08

A family member is seriously ill and may well be their last Christmas so it will be a case of everyone struggling to hold it together this year. Trying to keep things happy for the DCs while also my own family is estranged and lonely. It seems to get harder as the years go on, sometimes. Wish could miss it all and possibly go away bit that would be too difficult also.

Tumbleweed101 · 21/11/2019 18:10

I think it’s a mix of what’s expected along with the nostalgia of childhood Christmases for a lot of people.

I miss my childhood christmases despite having a family of my own. It’s different when you’re the one making the magic instead of experiencing it - not that it’s a bad thing, but it is different. Plus so many people have passed away between then and now.

This year will be a bit different as my children will spend part of the day at their dads. Usually he spends it at mine but he’s got a new partner this year he wants to be with too. They are older so not too bad but it will definitely change the dynamic of what we usually do. Plus my adult children have to work.

I’m trying to approach it positively as Christmas will start changing now anyway with the older children growing up and moving on.

tangledyarn · 21/11/2019 18:12

Similar to others I'll never be a parent. It'll just be me and DP this year, we'll make the best of it but its really hard. To make it worse my health is rubbish so cant even go away or distract myself by getting very drunk. It's a hard time for so many people.

FranticPleaseHelp · 21/11/2019 18:24

My Dear Dad loved Xmas, he would start shopping at the start of Nov and was like a big kid. He was the life and soul of Xmas day,.from making his special gravy to organising games etc.
He died 2 years ago and it's just not the same now. I could quite happily go without xmas.
Flowers to everyone who has lost someone

user1465335180 · 21/11/2019 18:30

In recent years I've lost all my really close family, just me and DP now.
I don't write a Christmas list anymore because they always started with my parents and they're both gone and it's too sad but my DM loved Christmas and I'm going to bloody enjoy it somehow in memory of her.

Sorry so many of you are sad too

cptartapp · 21/11/2019 18:33

My DF died years ago aged 54 and my DM was killed in a car accident two years ago aged 69. I'm LC with my brother, so having no other family I see Xmas is now spent with PIL, SIL and BIL, whose idea of 'fun' is drinking warm Vimto, and where presents come from B&M bargains and dessert is a £1 cheesecake from Morrisons (they are loaded). No 'silliness' allowed.
I'm so bitter and resentful. We go away for New Year to soften the blow.

SongforSal · 21/11/2019 18:48

We have had 2 immediate family member die in the last 3. Dp, myself and our 2 teen DC's will have a quite and low key one at home. M&S food just bunged in the oven, no prep, and watching old films spread across the sofa whilst we also eat chocolate and other crap. We will have a nice Christmas, but it wont be a large family celebration.

Also, lest we forget. Gavin and Stacey Crimbo special airs in the afternoon. I'm looking forward to the comedy oddly, somethings gotta balance the mood I have for christmas out.

FaFoutis · 21/11/2019 18:54

Christmas just reminds me that my parents have never bothered with me. On top of that I have to do everything to make my children happy. I'm doing ok on the latter, but I always feel empty and sad. It's hard work pretending to be cheerful.

Livebythecoast · 21/11/2019 19:00

My Mum was told Christmas eve she had 3-6 months to live. She died 9 months later. My Dad died suddenly a year ago too.

Flowers to all those who have lost someone or having a difficult time x

BuildBuildings · 21/11/2019 19:00

I have a wonderful partner but find it hard that I have quite a shallow relationship with my parents and they never seem to enjoy much. I often want them to be interested in my life and make an effort to come to my house ever (I'm under 30 min away). I really feel this at Christmas as we see each other but it's not a close fun family time.

ForalltheSaints · 21/11/2019 19:02

I don't like having a long break over Christmas. I really only want it to be a day or maybe two, much as I love those I spend it with. I've never had the whole time between Christmas and New Year off work and never intend to.

wildcherries · 21/11/2019 19:03

It's hard work pretending to be cheerful.

This is how I feel. The forced joy when so much is pretty shit. I miss childhood Christmas. As an adult, I pretty much just want it over with.

MrsGrindah · 21/11/2019 19:05

Totally agree with many posters here re the sadness of the loss of childhood Christmas. Since I lost my parents , we had to sell the family home next year. Can’t bear to think about all the lovely Christmasses we had there. I can’t recreate it . I try not to inflect others with my sadness but it’s v difficult.

MrsGrindah · 21/11/2019 19:06

Infect

FaFoutis · 21/11/2019 19:06

My childhood Christmases inevitably ended in domestic violence. It makes me so sad for my small self. And my big self.

Hueandcry · 21/11/2019 19:06

Christmas is always difficult for me. My 1st big loss was my Grandma who i was very close to & she died at Christmas. My Dad loved Christmas but he passed away & I'm close to nc with some of my family. This year I'll be spending the day alone as I have no partner & my DC will be with their Dad Sad

OrangeZog · 21/11/2019 19:07

My youngest daughter is dead. It’s not something you get over.

topcat2014 · 21/11/2019 19:12

@darkriver19886 I will be thinking of you at Christmas, thanks for your messages on the adoption page of MN. In my case the child I was going to adopt is no longer with us.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 21/11/2019 19:16

This year could be the last year that my beloved mother in law will have. I said that last year and she's still here, but she's living on borrowed time now.

As my dad is in his 80's there's also the fear that this is his last as well - and then what? My partner is an actor and in panto each year, my siblings always make a point of just being their immediate families and there's no place for me.

On the plus side, I'm making a point of making sure I don't work over Christmas- have taken on extra staff to do that, so I can spend time with them both.

VanyaHargreeves · 21/11/2019 19:19

I shouldn't complain, not with some of what's posted but, for various logistical reasons, I will have a meal with what is left in the UK of my immediate family but spend much of the day alone. This is however preferable to spending several days of the Christmas period with my sister, who I've never got on with and who goes out of her way to be poisonous and difficult. I've always envied those warm cosy family Christmases, never really had one, as my parents marriage made for lack of festive cheer.

However, sometimes when I read Mumsnet, I think does ANYONE have the warm, rosy, Christmas depicted in the media, probably not, and the sense that everyone does EXCEPT YOU, is quite damaging.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 21/11/2019 19:23

This will be my third Christmas without my husband. I will make an effort for my family but would if truth be known prefer to spend the day hiding under the duvet.
Christmas even if you have other family is very hard if you have lost a loved one. No matter how much time passes there is still that someone missing.

FVFrog · 21/11/2019 19:32

Second Christmas since my STBXH left me. He has made OW official with his family and telling our (young adult) DCs. He had a very large, fun family and I have virtually none, I have gone from big jolly family Christmas’s to realising it’s not even worth cooking a turkey this year. I am dreading it, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry and forget the whole thing and I used to love Christmas.

SimonJT · 21/11/2019 19:33

When I was a child the whole family used to fly to the UK for three weeks for xmas, they’re no longer my family (their choice) so it’s weird to know that it still happens but I’m not there.

My boyfriend will be visiting his parents (they live abroad).

Because of work I can’t spend a great deal of xmas with the person who is essentially the closest thing I have to a mum.

CroissantsAtDawn · 21/11/2019 19:35

Christmas is the only time I really miss the UK. Ive imported lots of traditions from growing up but its not the same.

I also miss seeing my parents at Christmas. This will be the 2nd year. They dont want to travel abroad at Christmas (which I totally understand and agree with) and we don't want to go to them for several reasons, including the fact that it would leave 80 year old MIL to celebrate Christmas alone.

Im sorry to everyone who has lost loved ones.

Theendofmyrope · 21/11/2019 19:45

These posts are incredibly sad.
I used to love Xmas. I am dreading it this year. I cant even go into town because it is saturated in all things Xmas
Recently separated and just cant see the point in anything anymore.
Only my DD and me this year. I have to keep going for her. Have had a truly dreadful year.
I just wish it was all over already. My NDN has her tree and decs up already and it gives me the rage every time I leave my house and see it all [feel bad because she is lovely]
Fucking hell.... its a really hard time of year on so many levels.