To think that parents of twins

[scrapaja]

Have it financially harder than parents of single kids.

The government recognise the financial hardship experienced by parents of children with disabilities and also recognise single babies' financial hardship - offering maternity leave and child benefit. But parents of twins - I don't feel seen or acknowledged as being different to a parent of a single baby but there are differences.

We didn't plan for two babies. I love them dearly.

Woman B gets pregnant. It's twins. So she has to terminate both or have both ... the choice of only giving birth to one is never there.

I thought you could terminate one. Selective reduction?

When I had my twins 14 yrs ago one of the benefits (not sure if it was CB or tax credits) gave you a higher payment for a year if you had a baby.

Even though I had two babies at once, we only got that higher payment for one baby, the other received a normal payment.

The costs of unexpected newborn twins impacted work, childcare and health. We had to buy a new car and move put of our 2 bed flat.

Now, the expense is the same as any two siblings.

I have a friend whose disabled child (due to lack of oxygen during birth) needs round the clock care and they had to move to somewhere that has been completely adapted.

My friend gave up her job, her husband left under the strain, she became dependent on alcohol (but sought help) and she knows she will outlive her child.

@Xenia

We're fortunate enough that I can stay at home with these two. I say fortunate, I'm not sure how my sanity will be

I do a little bit of online selling on eBay as a hobby, and hope to keep that up, but if I needed to return to work, we'd have to get a nanny as it's cheaper than two side by side in childcare. And nanny's are not cheap.

I've contacted homestart who provide an extra pair of hands a few hours a week, as I can't get my head round how I get two newborns and the trolley around the supermarket on my own. I've been looking and our Tesco, Waitrose and Lidl do not have double babyseated trolleys.

I think the government should provide assistance, for sure. Financially without question. But also, something like a more robust homestart scheme. Maybe, one day a week free or subsidised childcare, so we can get all our weekly tasks done on that day.

Our position is very fortunate. And it's still going to be unbelievably tough. We've bought a lot of second hand in preparation, just because the sheer volume of what we need for two simultaneously would cost so very much if it were all new, all in one go.

Any money saving tips you can PM me would be gratefully received!

Selective reduction is namely for IVF pregnancies where you reduce high multiples down to, say, twins.

It's a very high risk procedure, and only available to fraternal twins as those that share a placenta can not be easily separated.

Technically it can be done though, so yeaaaahhhh, it's just the same

Our Tesco has double trolleys. I remember taking the twins there when they were very small and it was really nice - i could hardly get round the shop as everyone was crowding round looking at the two tiny babies in the double trolley. They were very cute.

I would prefer much less state provision and much lower taxes but then I pay a lot of tax and prefer a much smaller state.

I’ve no doubt it’s harder and more expensive but agree with no extra state intervention.

You’d have a hard time finding a doctor to perform selective reduction on twins. I’ve never heard of it being done for twins, only triplets or more and only because triplets or higher orders of multiples are extremely risky for babies and for mum. I don’t think “we can’t afford two” would cut it. If it were done for twins it could possibly be for example if TTTS occured and treatment options had failed.

You can’t just go to an abortion clinic and ask for selective reduction, it’s an extremely complex thing to do.

Even if you could ask for one, the risk of losing the other baby/babies following selective reduction is very high. I know someone who had a high risk triplet pregnancy, reduced to one, who was stillborn. The things she’s gone through are unthinkable.

So no, it isn’t the bloody same at all as choosing to terminate an unplanned singleton pregnancy at all.

As I said, people really do have no idea.

Twins probably are more expensive - you have reuse clothes/bottles/car seats/bouncers etc, two of everything. If there’s a couple of years between the children they’ll hand things down, so only one of the more expensive items needed.

I thought you could terminate one. Selective reduction? yeah picking Left Twin or Right Twin when they share a placenta is totally the same 🙄🙄🙄

I think maybe instead of us all arguing who has it harder we should really be lobbying for better and more affordable childcare and an increase in child benefits for everyone. This wouldn’t even be a conversation then.

Sink, yes, one reason I didn't have some of the usual tests for disabilities when I was pregnant with twins was I would jnt have chosen to abort one and not the other even if one were disabled including because of the risk to the other one from the procedure although I can see why someone pregnant with non identicals where one is so disabled its life would be awful a parent might choose to abort one and not the other.

I think the most useful thing would be extended paternity leave. In the first few weeks I needed my DH to help me with night feeds, plus my twins were almost completely nocturnal for the first month or so. Going to work on two hours sleep is less than ideal. We also have an older son with additional needs who felt very pushed out during this time, an extra parent around would have helped.

And the expense is insane. We had planned for two children, having three meant a new car and we'll have to do a loft conversion soon so we have enough bedrooms - unfortunately my older child wouldn't cope with sharing and my twins are boy/girl. I'll be off work for much longer than I anticipated because of childcare costs which is having an impact on both our finances and my mental health. Throw in the double buggy, extra cot, bouncer, clothes, high chair, blah blah blah it all adds up.

Oh, and anyone who says it's like having two close together should really try a few days holding two wriggly, very breakable things that just don't stop screaming ever, and poop and vomit pretty much constantly and simultaneously. Fun times.

I don’t think it’s any harder than having 2 born close together. Mine are exactly a year and 2 days apart. I still had to buy double of everything and a new double pram, can’t hand down things like uniform/clothes as ones a boy and ones a girl (no my son wouldn’t want to wear dresses or skirts!)

Things you can reuse with a year age gap:

• Infant car seat
• baby clothes (sleepsuits, snowsuits, vests, socks etc aren’t gender specific)
• bottles and sterilising equipment if you use them
• Moses basket and bedding
• bouncer / swing etc
• baby toys
• swaddles, baby blankets etc
• cloth nappies / wipes if you use them

I’m sure there’s more

Plus you only had to buy one / one set of these things when you had your first baby, not two.

When I had my twins the only cheap double buggies i could find were for a newborn and a baby over six months - there was a very nice £300 in Mothercare, unlike the double travel system for newborns which cost nearly a grand once all the parts were bought. I believe there are newer cheaper options now.

If you formula feed, the cost of formula for one over the course of two years is more manageable than two at once, especially on statutory maternity pay. Same with nappies and wipes.

If you get maternity leave or MA, you’ll be on it until your older child is 2, so if you work full time you’ll only have full time childcare costs for two for a year before some funded hours kick in (or sooner if you qualify for funding at 2) rather than two years.

You may have had two paid maternity leaves, depending on your circumstances.

Free dental treatment and prescriptions for three straight years, which could be a sizeable amount if you need it.

If you had twins you may not be able to afford to go back to work, unless you have very helpful family who look after them frequently and reliably. Many of the twin mums I know simply quit, meaning loss of eligibility for any future mat leaves.

Plus you chose to have a second baby so close so the first, presumably on the basis you could afford to do so.

Not to mention the year of only having one baby to parent, and a choice of whether you’re able to handle adding another baby into the mix.

But again, trying to explain this to someone who doesn’t have twins is basically impossible.

I love my twins more than life but I am very aware that our lives are very different than they would be if we’d had one at a time. Some of DT2’s disabilities are likely directly linked to him being a twin. Twin pregnancy has impacted my health badly, as has having to pump for them (rather than being able to breastfeed, as a result of them being early, sick and tube fed for a significant period) which has badly screwed up my back. Not to mention having two disabled children rather than one.

I don’t regret them for a second but I wouldn’t have chosen this if I’d had a choice.

I don’t think it’s any harder than having 2 born close together

I'm sure having two together has its own challenges but the first four months of twins was beyond hard.
As if often the case I had one baby in hospital for a week and one baby discharged along with myself.
The sleep deprivation of two babies at the same time was horrific, it eased off at 12 weeks but only doing one and then the other would have been so much easier.
I think it can be hard to really understand how hard twins are unless you have been very close to it.
(It is also more expensive as babies)

As a Mum of twins (now teenagers) I have found that any mention of extra work/cost/stress is like a red rag to a bull to many other mothers - these people will always downplay it and find examples of how their experience was ‘just as bad’.
However,
fact: high chair x2, baby gym x2, babygro x2, feeding paraphernalia x2, Moses basket x2, pushalongs x2 to name just a few. The emotional cost takes its toll too - 2 newborns crying at the same time - who do you pick up first? Just 1 of many dilemmas. Oh but the joy they bring is just worth it especially when they start having ‘each other’s backs’.

I spent £300 on a double buggy - city mini jogger - over ten years ago. There are compromises that can be made with that - car seats formula etc not so much!

Fraternal twins have a 1 in about 80 chance so not a tiny risk.

That being said, twins are hard work but I think people freak out a lot more than needed. Or I could be remembering with rose tinted glasses

There are twins in DHs family and I have friends who have had twins. I have nothing but admiration for them! It's clearly harder work than having two separately even before any extra cost.

There's also the fact that the pregnancy is higher risk for mother and babies, so I don't get the you get it over in one pregnancy view at all. Personally I'd have no problem with an increased child benefit in the first year and maybe extra paid maternity and paternity leave as well. You could just make the maternity leave paid for the full year and double the paternity leave say.

fact: high chair x2, baby gym x2, babygro x2, feeding paraphernalia x2, Moses basket x2

Much of all the "baby stuff" isn't essential though. I never had a high chair, a moses baskets, or baby gyms.

There always seems to be this "top trumps" with parenthood. Lone parents have it harder than couples, three kids are harder than two, age gaps are easier/harder, twins are harder than one, disabilities are harder...boys are harder...SAHP is harder, working is harder...

Everyones circs are different. Some with twins or as single parents may have a shitload of help and support from family. Some may have access to hand me downs, some may have to buy everything.

I got pregnant knowing there was a chance of multiples, or I may end up as a single parent, or the child may have disabilities. I made sure I was in a position to cope with any of those scenarios. I knew my surviving parent was over 70 and 200 miles away so I wouldn't be able to rely on help there.

You get what you get. Complain you have it harder than anyone else if you want. But bottom line is having children is a privilege and if you don't want what you just have to manage.

There's pros and cons to twins, as with everything.

I don’t think it’s any harder than having 2 born close together.

It's this beyond clueless attitude that you just can't explain too. As so many twin mums state (and many of us already have a singleton for reference) people just don't get it and make out they've got it just as tough because they've happened to have two kids.

"I've broke my leg"
"Yeah, I've broken both together. See, I can't stand at all"
"Oh, I broke my other leg 18mths ago. I've had two broken legs as well. Quit your whining"
"Yeaaaahhhh but that's not the same is it. I can't walk at all. Whereas you can, you just needed crutches, twice. Not saying those two occasions weren't difficult, but it's not the same"
"Actually, it's just as hard for me, I see no difference in the fact that both your legs are out of use simultaneously, because one of mine has been, on two separate occasions"

"Right you are..."

Twin mums don’t accept anyone else has it harder either. Triplets mums? Mums with 7 kids? Mums with disabilities? Everyone is fighting their own battle. It’s not a competition for who has the hardest life. No one forced anyone to get pregnant.

Of course some mums (and dad's) have a harder time.
I am in awe of triplet parents.
The week I spent in SCBU will never leave me and I have huge respect for parents who support dc with disabilities or illnesses.

In stating the difficulties of being a twin mum I'm not trying to say other parents don't have a harder time.
It isn't a reductive game of top trumps.
The statement that being a twin mum is hard is just a statement about being a twin mum.

@Cacacoisfarraige the joint party doesn't last forever 😂

We found having a new baby, a 1 year old and a 3 years (and we both worked full time) was harder than baby twins because the twins were at the same stage - whereas with a baby and toddler you can sit down to to breastfeed the baby and the toddler starts to kick you or is toddling around all over. At least twins tend to have the same level of mobility.

I wouldn't compare it to having a disabled child but yes it does have a lot of impact financially.
We decided we could afford a second child and ended up with 3 resulting in me having to have longer off work. Holidays abroad, some school trips don't happen amongst non essential things but that's life. No way is anything like having a disabled child.