To not want my children to open there presents the week before Christmas?

[katsucurry]

My children's one set of grandparents like to come and collect the children the week before Christmas, take them to theirs and will give them all of their presents from their side of the family and allow them to open every. single. one. And we're talking over ten presents each! I hate this set-up and have now made plans for the weekend they would have them to avoid this but they've asked about an earlier week now which is even worse! Have yet to reply.

I have made comments about them opening everything in front of GPs in earlier years hoping they'd get the hint but the next year it happened again. Last year I sent the children with specific instructions not to open presents but to bring them home because it wasn't even Christmas for over a week and I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

For context the family are no longer my family. I left their son due to DV almost ten years ago (children we're babies) and he has had no contact with them since. The family are good people and love the children so I have facilitated contact with his family myself. They see them every month, all year with occasional sleepovers. I've since married and have another child with my husband, so have both of our families to consider at Christmas. Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. Never mind not having my wishes respected regarding the gifts. So I'm thinking in future children are only free after Christmas then they can open as many as they please. I feel uneasy about the whole situation but I don't want to be unfair.

Where do they wake up on Christmas day?
Where does Father Christmas visit?
Where do they have Christmas dinner?
Where do they do all the fun things with their mother on Christmas Day?

🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU you've accommodated their wishes in the past so it's time you do it how you prefer.

SoupDragon ok, you don't see it.

SoupDragon sorry, that was a bit snippy.

A family gathering (grandparents, great-gps, aunts and whatnot) with a pile of 10-15 presents per kid. Seems fairly similar to Christmas.

I think firmly steering them to a date just after Christmas is a good compromise after years of organising to suit them.

I think a date a couple of days after Christmas is absolutely fine, OP. That's very reasonable.

Why don't you just move the visit till just after Xmas instead of just before?

@whiskerspete that's what this whole thread is about

I didn't manage to get that across obviously as so many people think I'm trying to either make them open presents with me only because I'm jealous or stop them seeing the children at Christmas all together, because I'm petty.

Anyway, thanks to those that understood/read my follow-ups and replied with different points of view to consider one way or another

YANBU

There is plenty of time between Christmas and New Year for your DCs to see their grandparents.

I don't think there would be anything wrong in them doing it before Christmas if they respected your wishes and boundaries, but the fact is that they don't, so you need to be firmer and a bit less accommodating. Offer them some dates after Christmas that suit you - they will probably object at first but you'll have to stand firm. If they want to see the DCs they will make an effort.

You also need to stop bending over backwards to include them on birthdays. If you want to have a day out or a trip, just do it, and the grandparents can see the children before or after.

In normal circumstances there would be no harm in accommodating grandparents but with a history of abuse and control from their son, the power dynamics are just a bit off. You need to protect yourself more.

There seems to be an issue with the wrong smiley coming through on the app for some reason. That was a grin and then a smiley face above. Unless it's just on my app there's an issue and it's actually displayed correctly for everyone else, who knows.

I personally feel that after Christmas Day I am so done with Christmas that present opening then just feels a bit flat, but then maybe that is because my Dad put the Christmas tree up on 1st December!

My own tree comes down 30th December and I don't want any Christmas stuff into the new year. I like the idea of children getting their presents before Christmas after all if it was a birthday gift it would be considered belated and a bit rude if you were available to give it beforehand. My children saw their Great Grandad before Christmas day and had their presents from him then.

So I think YABU but as you have deliberately put a spanner in the works by making your children unavailable this could be the perfect opportunity to get your point across but also listen to theirs too. I think gift before Christmas (and the vast majority on here seem to agree) is a great thing.

I think you're being unreasonable, I do get what you mean but I think it's always nicer when you buy a present seeing the reaction when it's opened and they're being kind enough to go to a lot of effort they should get to see the children's reactions.

OP you aren't being selfish at all.

Your in laws seeing the children before Xmas means that Xmas to your children starts earlier than the 25th.

As the sole parent, it seems right that Xmas is started at home on the 25th and then continues afterwards.

They have had their way for many years. They ARE being unreasonable if they won't change now. You could even alternate it with one year they see the kids before Xmas, and one year they do after.

But you shouldn't have to ALWAYS do what you in laws want, when it is understandably bothering you.

The only other option is to make it so far before Xmas, that it is almost unassociated and forgotten about for the kids. But you would know why you were insisting on so far ahead and may not feel comfortable doing that.

YANBU OP. It's all in the nuance of what is happening, rather than the fact that it is happening at all.

Yabu

YANBU. Have you made a decision yet. I suspect you also feel it is unfair of your other child to have there siblings have Christmas presents earlier than them. At the end of they day it's your choice until they are old enough to make these decisions for themselves

Why is it all OP's responsibility to consider everyone else's feelings when they don't do that for her? She's compromised plenty over the years and bent over backwards to enable a good relationship between kids and dad's family. She is the sole parent and does all the parenting work. If this is how she wants to do Christmas to preserve the excitement of the 25th with her kids, then she should bloody well get to do that? Why should the ex in laws' wishes always come before hers?

I know you say it’s not convenient for them, but it’s not convenient for you this year with being busy in the run up, so ask them clearly to make a compromise

This!

I think YABU.

The X ILs are still making an effort to see them and so are their fathers side of the family.

They haven't taken sides of the abuser. The children still have lots of people who love them and want to gift them. So what if it's a week before Christmas? I mean seriously how does it affect them negatively compared to the positives of extended family who care?

I think YABU, sorry.

Your DCs only benefit from this arrangement and your willingness to allow this tradition to continue.

If this is how she wants to do Christmas to preserve the excitement of the 25th with her kids, then she should bloody well get to do that? Why should the ex in laws' wishes always come before hers?

I absolutely agree with this. I know lots of MNers pride themselves on being all so what it’s just another day, no big deal blah blah about Christmas, birthdays and so on but actually quite a lot of parents do look forward to these events. It’s not just about the actual date, it’s enjoying the excitement and anticipation with your young dc in the build up to what many dc see as the best day of the year! As the person who does all the day to day work involved in raising the children I think the OP is entitled to want Christmas done the way she prefers.

It’s one thing to give them a gift before Christmas but the GPs and their side of the family are having an early Christmas with the dc! Of course it takes something away from the OPs Christmas which risks becoming just Part 2. If it’s no big deal then why is it so important to the GPs that theirs comes first ?

I understand what you’re saying about gifts being given early. I also understand that GPs want to see them open their gifts.

You also need to take into account your younger child and now they will feel with big sibs returning with lots of gifts before they have had any.

I think I would use little one as an excuse into the conversation. If it doesn’t suit you change it! Try and explain it to the GPs and give them choices - strictly only open one gift before Christmas whilst with the children, hand over the gifts when they collect the children (so children know something is coming but temptation is removed as they don’t have the gifts whilst the children are there) or see the children immediately after Christmas and give the gifts then.

Not easy but I think a change would be good. Good luck!

YANBU and i can see how frustrating that would be, I would be honest with them and say you would prefer that tradition to start taking place after Christmas if possible (of course it’s possible)

I would literally just say I think x y z and this is what we’re going to do about it

YABU. Just tell the kids to say thank you and leave it at that. You are making an issue out of nothing or even worse out of GPs wanting to please their grandchildren without affecting your actual Christmas.

Sorry but you sound like hard work. Christmas is about good will not the timing of opening presents. They want to see the joy in your children’s faces - doesn’t make them bad grandparents to me I think it’s lovely and you are being controlling. Poor kids been told to act a certain way - you are putting pressure on the poor things. Let them enjoy christmas!

YABU sorry. I’d be happy for my children to open their presents from their grandparents in June if they ever gave them any! It’s just a day, children will never get tired of opening presents and this was they will actually know who each present was from. Christmas is meant to be fun and if you have too many rules and stuff you’ll always end up getting disappointed. Have a lovely time whatever you choose to do x