Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my children to open there presents the week before Christmas?

182 replies

katsucurry · 20/11/2019 10:53

My children's one set of grandparents like to come and collect the children the week before Christmas, take them to theirs and will give them all of their presents from their side of the family and allow them to open every. single. one. And we're talking over ten presents each! I hate this set-up and have now made plans for the weekend they would have them to avoid this but they've asked about an earlier week now which is even worse! Have yet to reply.

I have made comments about them opening everything in front of GPs in earlier years hoping they'd get the hint but the next year it happened again. Last year I sent the children with specific instructions not to open presents but to bring them home because it wasn't even Christmas for over a week and I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

For context the family are no longer my family. I left their son due to DV almost ten years ago (children we're babies) and he has had no contact with them since. The family are good people and love the children so I have facilitated contact with his family myself. They see them every month, all year with occasional sleepovers. I've since married and have another child with my husband, so have both of our families to consider at Christmas. Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. Never mind not having my wishes respected regarding the gifts. So I'm thinking in future children are only free after Christmas then they can open as many as they please. I feel uneasy about the whole situation but I don't want to be unfair.

OP posts:
Mollychristmas · 20/11/2019 11:53

YABU, I say just let it go, it doesn’t devalue Christmas Day with you, especially if there are other children on the day to make it even more exciting.
It would be a bit mean to take away this opportunity for the GP and your DC to have their own mini Xmas.
I know you said it could be after Xmas which I suppose is ok but it sounds like it makes it difficult for the GP and for the slight annoyance it causes you it could be quite distressing for the GP and your DC if this is a happy routine they are both used to.

Courtney555 · 20/11/2019 11:54

Oh, and by doing it before they get to enjoy all the fun still in anticipation of Christmas day itself. By doing it afterwards any presents feel like an afterthought and after the magic has passed.

I suspect you know this though and that's why you're trying to organise it this way.

Agreed.

OP is miffed that her "pile" of presents is having it's thunder stolen. It's Christmas Day. That's a completely different special feeling in it's own right. The dinner, the feeling of family, the whole atmosphere. Put more value on that than the "pile."

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 20/11/2019 11:55

"Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. "
Well that is fair enough - 3 sets of parents to deal with is a lot.

Never mind not having my wishes respected regarding the gifts.
But I do think you need to examine your motives and why you feel the way you do. Why does them having a celebration (and presumably never being able to see or be invited to spend time with their grandchildren at Christmas) upset you so much?

Flashbackflossie · 20/11/2019 11:57

Tell Grandparents that it isn’t working out for you so they can see them after Christmas Day instead.
If they refuse, then it’s clearly about control rather than what’s best for the grandchildren.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2019 11:59

I think you're being unreasonable too. His father also gets a say on the kids, and if this works for them, then so be it.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 20/11/2019 12:00

YANBU

Set a date after Christmas. (If they really, really don't want it after Christmas then you'll know it's about something other than seeing the children.)

I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

This sounds like manipulation to me. They obviously knew the rule you'd set & they drip-fed the 'oh just let them open one... and another... and another'. That would annoy me & make me lose trust in them.

Nonnymum · 20/11/2019 12:02

I think you should let your children have an additional Christmas with their father's family. I don't see why it is a problem. It spreads the presents out and allows the present givers to see their presents opened to be honest I don't think you have a say in it really it's up to the people giving the presents when they are opened

SmallPinkBear · 20/11/2019 12:02

Isn’t it better to spread the presents out so they have more time to appreciate them and play with them rather than getting them all on one day?
My DHs family insist on sending presents to open on Christmas Day and I am trying to persuade them to keep them until after Christmas so they can give them to my dd and actually see her open them and play with them...

nervousfirsttimer1985 · 20/11/2019 12:03

YANBU and I am surprised by the amount of people saying you are. As a child I was never allowed to open presents earlier than Christmas day. If the GP want to see them open them then they can keep them until after Christmas.

Original poster
katsucurry · 20/11/2019 12:04

@blackamericano, you are right and I have considered it from this angle. I've been momentarily annoyed and then thought, well yes - it does make the number of gifts more manageable on the day and moved on. We do already split present giving up with our families anyway (25th and after).

It's just that I've recently had a thought that in future maybe they can have the children between Boxing Day and new year instead. I'm surprised it has been received by some people as such a selfish idea. As I've been told in reply, does the day itself really matter?

OP posts:
Tminus3days · 20/11/2019 12:04

I think YABU. We don't see DSD on christmas day (mum won't let us) so we do the presents after christmas. But I can see why grandparents are doing it before and I really don't think it devalues the experience either way.

Tminus3days · 20/11/2019 12:05

@katsucurry you're right the day itself doesn't matter. And it's not selfish to ask for them to have the DC afterwards but if that doesn't work for them then I think you should let them do it beforehand.

Pottedtree · 20/11/2019 12:09

YABU and controlling with a side of petty.

Monsterinmyshoe · 20/11/2019 12:14

I think they are quite kind about not demanding too much from you over the Christmas period and having it with your own family each year. I think it's a good compromise for everyone.

Could they just open half the presents maybe? Still think that you should just let them have them all though. It is their Christmas celebration with their grandkids in their mind.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2019 12:15

On one hand, I completely understand this
""Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. "" and in a way it is a separate issue.

But I can't really see that it matters which day they open presents from one side of their family. Part of the joy of giving Children presents is seeing them open them and that is why your ex inlaws are pushing for that, not for any particular attempt to undermine you. Expecially since they seem to make so much effort to provide the presents, it seems a shame that they can't share in your children's excitement about the gifts they've provided.
It sounds like you have a large extended family, with lots of relatives interested in and very happy and eager to see your children, which is actually a very fortunate position to be in.
In any case.. opening 10 presents before Christmas seems preferable to opening those 10 presents, plus your presents, plus presents from your side of the family - all on one day seems like too many in one short space of time.

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 20/11/2019 12:16

I think your compromise is a great one.

I think many of those saying YABU haven't noticed it - if you were proposing removing their fun Xmas alternative day altogether I'd be strongly saying you're unreasonable. As it is, it's fine.

throughmytrees · 20/11/2019 12:16

As I've been told in reply, does the day itself really matter?

Um, it's this what your whole post is about? Hmm

You mean it doesn't matter what it means to your kids or their grandparents just you.

throughmytrees · 20/11/2019 12:17

Isn't this?

spacepyramid · 20/11/2019 12:17

YABU, they are keeping in touch with their grandchildren (not always easy after a break up) and are giving them presents, it's up to them when they open them.

NoSauce · 20/11/2019 12:19

It’s a bit spiteful to do it after. The magic has gone then.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 20/11/2019 12:20

@katsucurry
Yes I was surprised about the number of YBU responses too.
Given my own feelings on this I agree with other posters like @glitterfarts and @nervousfirsttimer1985 - if they are young enough to believe in father Xmas then it's made clear presents are from GP, if they are older then change it to seeing them after Xmas day. (I'll also be trying these in the years to come 😉)

Beautiful3 · 20/11/2019 12:21

Yabu. They want to see them open the presents from them. As they're not seeing them christmas day.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2019 12:22

Also from their point of view the Great GP turned up with presents and wanted to see the children open them. They had to text to ask permission, and at least they did that. It would have been quite difficult for them to say to the GGP that this wasn't allowed.

Christmaspug · 20/11/2019 12:23

Don’t rock the boat op .your being really kind and fair so far,don’t change things

minisoksmakehardwork · 20/11/2019 12:26

The only reason ywnbu is if your exdh's family were buying the same gifts you had got, and a week before Xmas doesn't really give you time to rectify that.

But this isn't the case otherwise you would already have said.

It is lovely that you are facilitating the children spending time with their grandparents when their father isn't involved at all. They are helping more than you realise by spreading the Christmas experience out over the period rather than hyperfocusing it all onto one day. We've always spread Xmas gift giving over a few days because the children get so overwhelmed with everything. They also want to play with everything when they've opened it and it certainly helps them appreciate that 'so and so' got this gift as they're not opening it, glancing at the present and putting it on a pile to open the next and so on.

There is however, no harm in saying that x date doesn't work and giving them alternatives that work better for you, whatever your motives are for those reasons being better.