To not want my children to open there presents the week before Christmas?

[katsucurry]

My children's one set of grandparents like to come and collect the children the week before Christmas, take them to theirs and will give them all of their presents from their side of the family and allow them to open every. single. one. And we're talking over ten presents each! I hate this set-up and have now made plans for the weekend they would have them to avoid this but they've asked about an earlier week now which is even worse! Have yet to reply.

I have made comments about them opening everything in front of GPs in earlier years hoping they'd get the hint but the next year it happened again. Last year I sent the children with specific instructions not to open presents but to bring them home because it wasn't even Christmas for over a week and I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

For context the family are no longer my family. I left their son due to DV almost ten years ago (children we're babies) and he has had no contact with them since. The family are good people and love the children so I have facilitated contact with his family myself. They see them every month, all year with occasional sleepovers. I've since married and have another child with my husband, so have both of our families to consider at Christmas. Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. Never mind not having my wishes respected regarding the gifts. So I'm thinking in future children are only free after Christmas then they can open as many as they please. I feel uneasy about the whole situation but I don't want to be unfair.

YANBU. I facilitate contact between my exes mum and my DD. We get on well and she's text me to say she has DDs presents to give me for Xmas day. I've said that's lovely but if she would rather wait and see her open them, I'm happy for her to do so on the 28th or 29th. I too wouldn't be happy with before Xmas and I'm surprised that so many think you are BU. You only have to read the Xmas eve box and the number of posters who are up in arms about it distracting from the fun and anticipation of Xmas day to see that you are not alone in your feelings

YANBU.
You already facilitate great contact with ex-PILS (which is much more than most do), but I understand why you think it their day reduces the excitement of Xmas itself.
I agree it would be better if you could arrange something for after Xmas day, so it's a win-win. They still get the kids, you still get the excitement of Xmas day.

@Winterdaysarehere, what about the children having a relationship with one whole side of their family, should the children be grateful for that, or is it their right?

@glitterfarts, the children are over ten, the Santa thing has gone.

OP, so your eldest is nearly a young teen? They're getting to an age were they should decide.

It's not going to take the shine off their main present. Within a couple of years the teens will go through the 'meh' stage about Christmas. It'll be about their friends and the latest fashion.

We used to have a Christmas the week before with my sister, it was a nice precursor.

YABU, I really don’t understand your issue. This is the only time they have with your DC before Christmas and they want to see them opening the presents they bought which is normal. Why do they have to bring them home and open them on Christmas Day? Does it really matter?

They prefer before Christmas, you prefer after Christmas. Well, guess what, you are the parent and you control the social calendar. As you have done this year, be busy before Christmas. If you want to be gentle with GPs, be proactive in suggesting a date after Christmas. ‘The children are so looking forward to seeing on the 27th’!

I’m torn. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such. But I don’t think it needs to be such a big deal. Personally I’d appreciate the break before Xmas and just let them get on with it. If the children are really bored of so many presents then maybe that needs addressed by those on BOTH sides and the children begin to see the importance of time spent and not just money. But putting that off til after Xmas is just moving the issue around rather than addressing it.

YANBU. I know from experience that if we do too much Christmassy stuff with the kids in the run up they just lose momentum, that lovely exciting feeling of anticipation completely evaporates and Christmas Day itself is a bit of an anticlimax. We have made a real effort to restrict most Christmas activities to the last couple of weeks beforehand and to be selective about what we do. Things are much nicer and feel more special as a result.

Let’s be honest, your ex in-laws aren’t doing this for the kids. They are doing it because they want the excitement and to see their presents being opened. I don’t really get why you’re being accused of selfishness when it’s so blatantly the in-laws making it about themselves.

I’d probably have one last attempt at a very frank conversation and say that it’s just too much for the children in the run up for them to open half their presents. It dilutes the experience of Christmas Day for the children and you’d appreciate if they would either send the presents home so the kids can open them on Christmas Day, or arrange a date after Christmas for them to open presents with that side of the family. If they disregard what you’re saying then next year just don’t make the kids available for a Christmas visit until after Christmas Day and tell them why.

Is “Christmas devalued” for you because they prefer the gifts they got from the in-laws prior instead of your gifts on Christmas Day?

It sounds like you are jealous, sorry OP. I’d be fed up too if the in-laws spent thousands on them and I had barely any money despite scrimping and saving and sacrificing things I needed so they could have small things to open come through day if that’s what the problem is. No offence intended if it’s not.

You could have the in-laws Christmas the first week in December or similar and then there is plenty time for the kids to get fed up of their gifts before the real Christmas Day, by which time they will be feeling more festive!

Or are you religious and it’s the significance that’s the issue of a religious date that you feel strongly about? If so fair enough but if the in-laws want to give your kids presents (because it’s a time for this not for religious reasons) they should be able to as long as the kids appreciate it and dont turn into spoiled little brats!

PS I wouldn’t expect kids to not open presents. Especially when the oldies want to see the joy in their little faces

My parents divorced when I was 8, after that we had Christmas Day with Mum, and opened hers and her family's presents then, and Boxing Day would be another 'Christmas Day' with Dad and his family's presents. We loved it as we got two Christmas Day's!

I don't think you're being U to want Christmas Day to be special, and have your children experience the excitement of that day with you first. I totally get that once GP's have had that a week or so before that it takes the shine of it on the 25th.

I think telling GP's they can have them Boxing Day or after is very fair. You don't HAVE to do either, you have asked them to not let the kids open more than one present and they have ignored this. These are your children, so it's your rules.

YABU. You cannot tell GPS what to do in their own home. It's none of your business. Would you like it (if applicable) if exh said kids can't open presents until he's there to see it.

I really couldn't get upset about this. Anything that spreads out the present opening is a good thing in my book. I think it's great that you have maintained such a good relationship with their father's side of the family and lovely that the grandparents have managed to create a little tradition of an early Christmas so your kids get an extra treat to make up for what must be a complicated family situation for them. Before or after - I can't see that it makes much difference. If you would really prefer after then see if you can find a mutually convenient weekend, but if that's too complicated then I don't think doing it before is really such a disaster. There's so much stuff on here about about making your own Christmas traditions, elaborate Advent calendars, elves, Christmas Eve boxes (all before the big day) - isn't this just another one of those? Christmas Day is Christmas Day - this is an extra celebration (like my friend's kids who have birthdays in December) - it doesn't detract from the main event, it adds to the build up.

@isadora2007 I appreciate your comment. You seem to understand where I'm coming from and have actually understood the issue, which isn't about me and "my pile", or anyone being outdone; it's about the children not appreciating how lucky they are to have this and that's what's important to me. I don't feel they've ever really been truly grateful for the gifts because they're forgotten by the time it's Christmas Day every year - because that's the main event to them.

However your post has made me consider that maybe it is best to leave it before as you're right it is delaying the issue and either way it's masses of presents from three different families. They're fortunate that everyone is so involved but it just becomes a month of them being showered with gifts and that's what I mean by devalued.

"They prefer before Christmas, you prefer after Christmas. Well, guess what, you are the parent and you control the social calendar."
This.

I think Christmas presents should be opened on Christmas day and not before. It totally diminishes the actual excitement of Christmas day when it is spread out over an extended period. If you do not alternate Christmasses with your ex (because of the DV) so always have them, then it is fine that they get to open all their prezzies at yours on Christmas day.

How far away are paternal GP? Can they pop in on Christmas morning to watch their present(s) being unwrapped? You could always skype when the children are opening their presents if they really must see it. (They don't actually have a right to see them open their presents).

They could see their GP in person after Christmas and say their 'thank yous'.

YABU. There's no reason why your children can't have two Christmas celebrations and presents on two days. Presumably they'll have gifts on Christmas day as well.

Your objections seem somewhat petty to me.

They don't actually have a right to see them open their presents

I think you would have to be a total arse to deny them that joy though.

@whatsinaname19 that is exactly it. That's exactly it, they want the experience on their terms. The children do not lose out by opening their gifts, with their grandparents, on a date after 25th. But for some reason GPs prefer it to be before, even if it's 2 weeks before Christmas I think 2 or so days after is a perfectly reasonable compromise.

I think 2 or so days after is a perfectly reasonable compromise.

Sounds good to me.So are you going to do this OP?

I agree that the end result is the same. Ch have had presents from two households.
But the dc get the first pile of presents, super excited, still excited about those toys when Xmas comes and possibly a bit meh or overwhelmed by more toys.

The principle is still the same if gp have post Xmas days, you get the excitement for a change.

They've had it their way for years, this year think about what's convenient for your family.

That's exactly it, they want the experience on their terms.

As do you

You are not being asked to compromise how you celebrate, how you give gifts. They are not demanding to see the kids on Christmas Day.

I think before is better. Even a fortnight before. Even - propose this - Advent 1 December. Let them have their special thing.

That's exactly it, they want the experience on their terms.

As do you

Which is fine. She's the sole parent. Everything is quite rightly on her terms, especially when it comes to ex-PILs.

That's exactly it, they want the experience on their terms.

As do you

Which is fine. She's the sole parent. Everything is quite rightly on her terms, especially when it comes to ex-PILs.

This!

@elieza I touched on that in my reply to Isadora which is just below your post.

I'm not at all jealous, no. It's the devaluing of the meaning and appreciation - not the devaluing of my day with them. I don't think a lot of posters have comprehended that for some reason. I'm not sure how I've ended up being called selfish or jealous numerous times but maybe it was the way I worded it that gives that impression.

No offence taken. It's not thousands of pounds, it's less than one hundred. It's usually a couple of things they've asked me for ideas on and then fillers like things from The Works, bubble bath, craft sets, an outfit - nothing massively high value. I am financially secure, so no scrimping and feeling deflated that I can't provide that at all.

In terms of keeping it earlier, I am coming round to that idea as there is just as much chance they can appreciate the gifts if it is spaced further away from Christmas as they would after Christmas. It was specifically opening presents the weekend immediately before Christmas, so one - 5 days before that I was uncomfortable with as I think it's more appreciative of the meaning of the celebration to wait.

Although, to answer your question, yes, in large part it is the significance of the date that's important to me. I am from a religious background and opening gifts before Christmas Day wouldn't happen, even as far as begging to open a tiny present at midnight on Christmas Eve after church was just not allowed. A child being told they can open before Christmas is never going to be able to resist, which is why I thought maybe switching to after the day would work best for both sides.

I'm open to doing it earlier if it's really that important to the GP - and maybe it might be judging by some of the surprised replies here.

I think yabu and am really struggling to understand what your issue is. May be a discussion about different options for when they would like to do the gifts with the children might have had a more productive outcome than you making arrangements to block their usual weekend. You never know that might be delighted to have the children on Boxing Day rather than doing it early.

I think after Christmas is perfectly acceptable. If they insist on before Christmas I would do it early in December.

Can people read? It does matter if the kids have a pre christmas party because they treat christmas day differently. So this set up clearly isn't working for the OP. If the day doesn't matter then they can just as well go to GP AFTER christmas day to open their presents.