To not want my children to open there presents the week before Christmas?

[katsucurry]

My children's one set of grandparents like to come and collect the children the week before Christmas, take them to theirs and will give them all of their presents from their side of the family and allow them to open every. single. one. And we're talking over ten presents each! I hate this set-up and have now made plans for the weekend they would have them to avoid this but they've asked about an earlier week now which is even worse! Have yet to reply.

I have made comments about them opening everything in front of GPs in earlier years hoping they'd get the hint but the next year it happened again. Last year I sent the children with specific instructions not to open presents but to bring them home because it wasn't even Christmas for over a week and I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

For context the family are no longer my family. I left their son due to DV almost ten years ago (children we're babies) and he has had no contact with them since. The family are good people and love the children so I have facilitated contact with his family myself. They see them every month, all year with occasional sleepovers. I've since married and have another child with my husband, so have both of our families to consider at Christmas. Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. Never mind not having my wishes respected regarding the gifts. So I'm thinking in future children are only free after Christmas then they can open as many as they please. I feel uneasy about the whole situation but I don't want to be unfair.

I can't see the problem really.

The OP has clearly said that opening 10 presents the week before Christmas makes a difference to how her children view Christmas - and then a dozen people pile onto the thread and say it won’t make any difference to them ...

So, the GPS have got to do Christmas first for the last ten years? That means it’s your turn to do it first for the next ten years, right? If your ex were still around, no one would be saying “don’t be selfish, your ex and his family should always be first”.

You’ve been a bloody saint to keep this going when he’s buggered off, and they sound like they’re taking you for granted.

I think it's fantastic that your Ex's family are still so involved in your children's lives especially as Ex is such an arsehole.

Equally I think you are fantastic in facilitating the relationship. There are so many heart breaking stories of grandparents denied access to their grandchildren and hostility on all sides.

You have allowed their arrangements for nearly 10 years. I think it is perfectly acceptable to say this year the children will come any time between Boxing Day and New Year, which is still the Christmas period.

Yabu, ofcorse they want to watch the children open their gifts, who wouldn't, it's the best part of Christmas for parents and grandparents seeing children's excited and happy faces. Would you be happy going to the effort of picking, buying and wrapping presents for your children to not actually get to see them open them?

Unless you are going to let them come over Christmas day to watch them open them then I think you need to leave them to it. If it's a issue them having early presents and your youngest not then let him open a small present early too.

YANBU. It's not Christmas the week before - Christmas is Christmas. Half the fun with children is the anticipation and build up and I'd imagine that's all dissipated if they are showered with gifts the week before.

And hats off for investing so much effort in keeping the relationship going.

We alternate our religious celebrations between my parents one year and in laws the next. When we go to my parents my in laws will invite us over and give the kids their presents so that they can see them open them. We live near them and I have never minded them doing so. My parents live much further away so send presents directly to us when we are bot going to theirs. I will usually videocall so that they can see the kids opening the presents and tend to wait till the actual day.

It is great that they want to maintain a relationship with the kids regardless of their sons involvement I think it is sweet that they have a mini xmas celebration together but if you are really unhappy with it agree to meet after xmas. I don't see it doing any harm for the kids to open some presents earlier though!

YABU. Does this affect you in any way, shape or form?....No. Just let the kids enjoy the early start to Christmas and be grateful that they have interested and loving relatives on that side. I’d have loved that for my son.

YANBU.
You are the parent, they Re YOUR children so wasn’t you say goes.
You have facilitated a relationship. They need to respect your wishes. You are not depriving them of anything. They can see kids AFTER Xmas. If that is an issue for them then it’s clearly not about seeing presents opened but having Xmas first.

YANBU. It’s perfectly reasonable for the grandparents to see the children after Boxing Day.

YABU expecting the DCs to bring the gifts home and the GPs not to watch them open them. Yes the magic of Xmas is all about Santa coming etc but as they’re not around for that part, it’s sad that they can’t even see them open the ones they’ve bought.

Doing it after Xmas seems like a reasonable compromise, but honestly, spreading it out a bit is a good thing. Kids get overwhelmed with so many gifts on the big day and actually it shouldn’t be all about opening one after another. The magic is just that ‘he’s been’!! The stockings, the special food, Xmas PJs and leaving out a mince pie for Santa etc that ends up with a bite taken out of it. That’s what really gets kids excited. Obviously opening the gifts is great too, but tbh by that point, they’re probably just looking for that one thing that they really want.

Presuming the GPs haven’t bought them the star gift, they will be pleased with whatever they open at their house, but will still be more excited for what Santa brings them the following week.

@jellybabies thank you, you understand my point of view.

Because it seems to be missed/ignored:

I do not want to stop the grandparents seeing the children open their presents

In every way I have considered involving them in their lives as much as possible and tried to remain fair even when it's inconvenienced us, e.g. not going away on children's birthdays, or even away for a day trip, so they're able to come over and see them on the actual day as I know they like to (the birthdays are during school holidays).

I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

This sounds like manipulation to me. They obviously knew the rule you'd set & they drip-fed the 'oh just let them open one... and another... and another'. That would annoy me & make me lose trust in them

Oh come off it! The only ones being manipulated are probably the GPs who are saying “mummy told me you’re only allowed to open one” and the kids are pleading with big cute eyes to open another one, while great aunty is pushing her gift into their hands saying “go on, it’s just a little one!”

DD ends up with 4 Christmases, it doesn't devalue it and each is different with different traditions and special to her as she gets to send time with different people that are important to her.

YABU, the children opening the presents does not devalue Christmas. Also it's no good hinting or making up arrangements, you need to have a proper adult conversation, they are not mind readers.

You are a misery. My DD has 2 Xmases. One is with her ILs and my ex the weekend before Xmas and the other is with me and my family. She LOVES it and my ILs get to see her open their gifts.

Talk to the grandparents and set up a standing Christmas visit. Maybe on the 26th? That way they know that they can have a celebration with the grandkids and you don’t feel like the 25th is less exciting.

Either longer Christmas or shortly after seems a good compromise to this. If it were more like 2-3 weeks before the day the novelty would have worn off by then or in the period between Boxing Day and New Years eve so still in the Christmas period.

YABU

Off course YABVU.
You have purposely made plans on the weekend they were supposed to see the DC with the express desire to disrupt and destroy their time together. The rest of you post is just flannel trying to excuse your behaviour.
You will be hurting your DC as much as you hurt them, and I hope this consideration is more important than you getting everyone to follow you

Send them after Christmas and when they ask why, tell them they refuse to go by your wishes.

YANBU !

YANBU!

YANBU !

I would be beyond annoyed in your situation too !

Let them keep there little Christmas thing with GP but during the week AFTER Christmas instead , otherwise it unfairly takes away from Yout own, immediate family Christmas

I honestly can't see what the problem is with opening these presents before Christmas.

My DC go to their father's before and after the actual day and I honestly couldn't care less when they open their gifts from that side of the family. It's not my place to dictate when that happens.

otherwise it unfairly takes away from Yout own, immediate family Christmas

How?

I have never thought of it before - DH & I are both children of divorces so double GP to visit - We see some before and after, presents opened at the visit time - sometime extended family too so more gifts possibly.

In the 16 years I’ve never known it to distract from the main day at all? Children are grateful for what they receive & it’s special for the GP (I’m not a great fan of my MIL but wouldn’t take this away from her)

One day I’m hopefully going to Grandma &/or someone’s MIL I would hope that I get to share part of the Christmas celebrations and joy on a child’s face. My children would have learnt that from my actions/choices as a mother.

Think of it as a pre-Christmas party with the grandparents. Some lovely presents, and a lovely treat in the December build up.

It's Christmas Day with you.

The two aren't comparable. The going to sleep on Christmas Eve, waking up and rushing to see if it's snowed, stockings, Christmas breakfast, Christmas TV, Christmas dinner and all the trimmings, games with the family. It's not the presents that make the magic.

They've never had that with their grandchildren. And at no fault of theirs. You obviously as a sole custody parent, get that privilege every year.

The only thing they get is seeing the GC open their presents a week or so before the big day, and you want to take that away and move it to after Christmas, so Christmas has gone and it's an after event, just so your present pile comes first and you feel is more appreciated?