To not want my children to open there presents the week before Christmas?

[katsucurry]

My children's one set of grandparents like to come and collect the children the week before Christmas, take them to theirs and will give them all of their presents from their side of the family and allow them to open every. single. one. And we're talking over ten presents each! I hate this set-up and have now made plans for the weekend they would have them to avoid this but they've asked about an earlier week now which is even worse! Have yet to reply.

I have made comments about them opening everything in front of GPs in earlier years hoping they'd get the hint but the next year it happened again. Last year I sent the children with specific instructions not to open presents but to bring them home because it wasn't even Christmas for over a week and I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

For context the family are no longer my family. I left their son due to DV almost ten years ago (children we're babies) and he has had no contact with them since. The family are good people and love the children so I have facilitated contact with his family myself. They see them every month, all year with occasional sleepovers. I've since married and have another child with my husband, so have both of our families to consider at Christmas. Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. Never mind not having my wishes respected regarding the gifts. So I'm thinking in future children are only free after Christmas then they can open as many as they please. I feel uneasy about the whole situation but I don't want to be unfair.

Is it though?

TBH I think it sounds like OP goes out of her way to involve and include and ensure the children have a lovely relationship with their grandparents. (which is a different relationship to "ex-PILS"). All credit to her, doing the right thing for her children.

GPs are going to load them up with presents either way. That is how they do things. They have got into a rhythm of doing it pre Xmas. I wouldn't change it unless there is a proper, material reason why - which OP has been unable to articulate - let them have their tradition.

If I were the GP I wouldn't care when this happened. But if you are already doing stuff after with the 2nd/3rd set of GPs it would be better stick to before.

@ellie56 that is what I was what I was initially going to suggest to them. I'm thrown by some of the replies however. I don't think I'm selfish and I'm definitely not jealous but it's given me other ways to consider the situation.

I've tended to encourage present opening when IL have come over it can be mid to late December.

Means MIL gets to see them open gifts and she's spent time and money shopping for them and when they were younger fewer presents christmas so less overwelming on christmas day.

Also means the phone calls are later in morning and briefer - doesn't feel like a huge chunk of the morning is spent either filming reactions to trying to convey them to the IL.

@ihatemyself you do make a good point, and you might be right about leaving as it is or even earlier.

There has never been an expectation that they have them early, they've never verbalised this to me. The contact arrangements are always fluid, it's just when it comes to Christmas I've noticed through the years that they've always pushed for before 25th as a suggested date and pushed back a suggestion of a date after, with a change of plans to fit the children in before 25th in some way. So although it's not an agreement/tradition I have come to understand this is their preference for whatever reason. Maybe they don't have a good one either?

It’s a tricky one, the GP’s are obviously kind people but opening that many presents early takes some of the magic away from the actual day and all the OP’s Christmas preparations.

@katsucurry at the end of the day you are the mum and if you are not happy with the current arrangement you are entitled to change it, whatever anyone else says.

"think 2 or so days after is a perfectly reasonable compromise."

But you've denied them that this year. The weekend before is only three days before Christmas. So they can't win with you.

How long are you going to dictate to your children? The youngest must be 10 and the other one at least 11. They should have some autonomy.

I wonder if this is why Meghan is off to the States, because the Queen opens presents on Christmas Eve, in keeping with her German background.

@Ellie56, until what age do you think you should have total control over your children's relationships with their family?

@ponoka7 I'm sorry, I am denying what? Doing it two or so days after you seem to think. That is exactly what I am suggesting they do, not taking away...

Re Meghan - yes, that's what I heard. Who'd have thought it.

I think YABU.

We always had a pre Christmas get together on the Sunday nearest the 18th December with my stepmums parents where we would have Christmas dinner, open our presents, play games and go for a walk. I loved it. It made the Xmas period extra long and as a child it felt really lovely. Much better than rushing all around in the car on Xmas day.

I get where you are coming from, but with all due respect, it's not about you, it's about your children and the enjoyment they get from it. If they value the time and enjoy it then let them be, they will only be young once.

And in terms of autonomy - I said almost ten years ago to be vague. Neither is over ten.

They can control their own relationships when they're old enough to make arrangements directly with family.

I am from a religious background and opening gifts before Christmas Day wouldn't happen I understand this sentiment and I agree with the principle, but I think there is a difference between asking to open presents early because you can't wait to open them on Christmas Day in your own home and opening presents given by other people at an event they have organised as a treat. Your PIL are making what sounds like lovely tradition for your DCs and I think it's wonderful that this has been able develop in spite of what must have gone before. Full marks to all of you for being able to get to this point - that's actually the best present any of you can give your kids.

YABU

Ponoka7

I think OP is entitled to make arrangements for (not dictate to ) her children as she sees fit while they are still children, which they are if they are under 11. Presumably as they get older they would have a say in the arrangements.

@lilliangish thank you for your lovely (balanced!) comment. I appreciate your point of view and it does make a lot of sense. It's useful for approaching the situation from another point of view.

I've struggled to understand why before 25th is so important to them just like I suppose they can't understand why waiting until the day (and after) is something that means something to me.

Personally if I could do it again I'd set the precedent for a Christmas with the children to open gifts after 25th (when we spend it with one set of parents we do second Christmas with the other parents after not before similarly) but I'm beginning to consider that changing it might not be for the best.

YANBU.

Perfectly reasonable for them to see the children after Christmas, and open the presents with the givers then.

You are absolutely entitled to set the dates here- you are the parent!

Instead of hinting, asking children not to open presents despite tradition and expecations being that they do so there and then- or being busy the weekend it would normally happen - have you actually had a conversation directly with grandparents saying you'd prefer the presents to be after chrsitmas and suggests dates that that's possible?

They may well be following what they did worth their IL/GP or think having it before christmas is less hassle for you in some way - how aware are they likely to be that this is an issue for you?

Some people miss hints or think if there was a problem they'd be a conversation as there used to directness - that's why I'm asking.

If they got the presents later say in Janauary would that also be an issue?

If they want to see the presents opened and if you want them for chirstmas day but not them visiting that would be much harder - and in some circles of friends and family of ours that would be considered beyond rude and grabby in others completely normal.

First thing is to find out how bothered they are about the opening presents in front of them - I assume it's important but it's worth checking with them.

I don't think doing chirstmas how you want is unreasonable - but I think getting there without upset may mean being more direct and managing expecations bit more.

YABU.
For years, as an adult myself and my now DH, did a "christmas day" complete with dinner and gifts exchange about a week before actual christmas - which we spent with our families.
We are now married and spend Christmas together and in a way I miss the extra Christmas day! And that's as an adult.

I think for children, if must be fantastic to spend the day with your GP's and having a lovely day and THEN get to do it all over again on actual Christmas.

What would the children enjoy most? Do you think they are actually bored on Christmas day?
If you stop it or change it- who wins - other than things being your way. Does it actually make it more enjoyable for the children or the GP?
I honestly don't see what harm it is doing.

YANBU, but the GP’s are if they expect the current arrangements to stay the same for years to come. Do the DC’s themselves want to change to seeing GP’s after Christmas? I feel that you have been more than fair so far. The GP’s should think about the opportunities you haven’t had ie going away or doing stuff because of the current arrangements.

I don't think anybody is suggesting that the children don't get to have an additional Christmas celebration with their grandparents- however, there is absolutely no reason why this has to be before Christmas!

My parents divorced and we always had 2 celebrations for Christmas, taking turns with each parent, but Christmas Day was always first. It means the children have something to look forward to once the excitement of Christmas Day is over.

@heymissyyousofine I think originally the first time it happened I did say I would prefer they open presents after 25th but they said they were busy after Christmas and they really wanted to see the children open them, which I understood. Not a big deal. Somehow they just came to expect that they'd always see them before Christmas to do this and there's no reason they couldn't see them in the later part of the month.

In fact, they have every year for years now also come to ours spend NYE with the children for a few hours (and we're talking aunt/uncle, both GPs and Great GP) and joined in when we've had other family over both mine and my husband's, or friends. They've been welcome to, but I'm just trying to illustrate the day before Christmas is not by any means the only chance they get to spend with the children in December.

Way too many recommendations to leave it alone.
Accidentally or not they've stolen Christmas from the mum!

Who cares if pre-25th is more convenient for them? It's become inconvenient for you. Totally fine to let them know that the kids have Christmas fatigue by the time the 25th rolls around and it's ruining the magic. Suggest a suitable date or two and let them pick one.

they've stolen Christmas from the mum!

How?

SoupDragon with everything the OP already said here.

No, still not seeing how it "steals christmas" at all. Not one bit.