To not want my children to open there presents the week before Christmas?

[katsucurry]

My children's one set of grandparents like to come and collect the children the week before Christmas, take them to theirs and will give them all of their presents from their side of the family and allow them to open every. single. one. And we're talking over ten presents each! I hate this set-up and have now made plans for the weekend they would have them to avoid this but they've asked about an earlier week now which is even worse! Have yet to reply.

I have made comments about them opening everything in front of GPs in earlier years hoping they'd get the hint but the next year it happened again. Last year I sent the children with specific instructions not to open presents but to bring them home because it wasn't even Christmas for over a week and I got a text asking if they could open just one (OK, fine) then another saying so-and-so has popped round to see them open theirs specifically, (OK...) and then a call to say now Great GP has turned up can they please just open their gift too! Children then come home with bags of gifts that they've started playing with already and Christmas seems so devalued.

For context the family are no longer my family. I left their son due to DV almost ten years ago (children we're babies) and he has had no contact with them since. The family are good people and love the children so I have facilitated contact with his family myself. They see them every month, all year with occasional sleepovers. I've since married and have another child with my husband, so have both of our families to consider at Christmas. Everyone wants a piece of the children from all angles and honestly I'm fed up. Never mind not having my wishes respected regarding the gifts. So I'm thinking in future children are only free after Christmas then they can open as many as they please. I feel uneasy about the whole situation but I don't want to be unfair.

By the way the replies definitely did originally have paragraphs, sorry about the formatting!

Thank you teenplustwenties no, not at all jealous... It doesn't ruin it for me personally. I'm not even sure what it is I could be jealous of in fact.

If I was jealous I wouldn't even be considering their feelings at all. Never mind sending birthday and Christmas cards, gifts in the past, followers on milestone celebrations, remembering family birthdays and otherwise maintaining a relationship with them as though they were my family still.

Op, YANBU.

My grandparents used to do this when I was a child. They had a full Christmas about a week or 10 days before with a caterer, crackers, presents (for the children only I think) etc. I remember it really positively and it didn't detract from Christmas day at all.

Thank you @cookpass! Not opposed at all. I suppose my longer than intended OP might not have made that very clear though

I'd say after Xmas is a good compromise. Sorry we're busy before Xmas this year but the kids are free on the x and x

• flowers that should read, not followers

I think you might need to decide whether it's more important for your DC to engage with their DGPs and wider family from ex-DPs side whom in the circumstances seem to be trying hard or for you to have a particular approach to Christmas and presents. If it were me, I'd be entirely relaxed about present opening a week or two early if it facilitates engagement with wider family, especially given their DF isn't engaged at all.

YABU. Christmas itself is just a day. Why can't you be happy for the fact that the 'magic' for your kids is spread over a longer period like this? So often parents build up to 'the Day' with tons of presents that just get 'watered down' because there's so many at once. This way they get to enjoy it all even more.

Don't be mean. Embrace the two Christmases and be glad that your arse of an ex actually has a decent family that want to do this for your children.

YABU. It's annoying but they obviously want to see their grandchildren opening their presents they have bought for them, wouldn't you?

Either try and arrange for the period between Xmas and new year as a compromise but if that's not possible then I think you should swallow it.

I get what you are saying, which it would appear those saying you are unreasonable don’t, that you want to enjoy Christmas with them , not have it spoilt so they are almost blasé and fed up with yet more presents on a Christmas Day.

I think it’s only right that you, who do the childcare year round should get Christmas with them first, and yours are the first opened.

We have a similar situation and the agreement now is it’s between Christmas and New Year. Just advise your ex’s family that weekends before are not free but you can do xx instead, after Christmas.

YANBU - seeing them after Christmas is a better option. It means that your Christmas isn’t devalued and extends the excitement.

Oh, and by doing it before they get to enjoy all the fun still in anticipation of Christmas day itself. By doing it afterwards any presents feel like an afterthought and after the magic has passed.

I suspect you know this though and that's why you're trying to organise it this way.

I think YABU with this:
Last year I sent the children with specific instructions not to open presents but to bring them home because it wasn't even Christmas for over a week
They are children, and if their grandparents are telling them to open the gifts, it is not fair for them to be caught in the middle. Your concerns, whatever they are, should go through the adults in the family.

Christmas isn't devalued because they get some gifts earlier. It's not about gifts anyway.

It's a made up date YABU. Why is it important for your gifts to be opened first? You'd be justified in having some anger over the DV situation but honestly anything you get them will carry more meaning for your children and it doesn't matter if yours are a week later. The children won't miss out that way. Also it's nice to spread out gifts it gives the child time to actually engage with gifts.loads at once and it's too much. There's just a whole lot of flitting from one thing to another trying to take it in and remember who gave what.

Looking back at my childhood, I think that you need to remember that children are different from adults. Now if I had two full Christmases I would be pretty jaded by the second one and wouldn't enjoy it as much, but children have a much greater capacity for getting excited about things and time seems longer to them. So when I was a child by the time 'proper' Christmas came around the grandparents' Christmas was a distant memory and I was just as over-hyped about it as if the previous present giving had never happened.

I've just re-read my post and it does look like I'm saying I don't want grandparents to see them open them and the lack of paragraphs don't help.

"I have made comments about them opening everything in front of grandparents in earlier years"

What I meant by this,and was perhaps worded badly, is that in the past, in front of the grandparents I have expressed surprise they have already opened the presents. Not that I've made comments about GPs wanting the children to open gifts with them - which I don't mind at all.

They've never suggested a date after Christmas as it's has been in the past inconvenient for them, it's always been specifically before Christmas as they prefer it. So you could argue they're not considering me. I've never prevented them doing this on their terms.

YABU This is the families special get together. Spreading the gift opening is better than the orgy of paper ripping all on one day. It is mad the great build up and let down. Let the children enjoy the to=ime with the other side of the family

Offer after Christmas, after Santa has been

You’re right to want to change it to a date after Christmas so do that. It’s up to you when they’re lucky enough to see your children, you’ve gone above and beyond for years, so pick that date which suits you and they can take or leave it.

I know you say it’s not convenient for them, but it’s not convenient for you this year with being busy in the run up, so ask them clearly to make a compromise

YwBU if you wouldn't not allow people to see the children open their gifts. It's meanspirited to say that they must not open them there and then.

YABU to state they are not my family - maybe so but they are your children's family.

A date after seems a reasonable compromise. But tbh 2 weekends before also seems reasonable.

If the kids get a massive pile of presents but it's more than a week before actual Christmas surely the novelty will have worn off and they will be more that ready for 'proper' Christmas by then? I'd love this for my own kids, fab to have new things to play with to pass the time in the lead up to Christmas when everything is over exciting etc. I agree a day or two before Christmas might make the day little anti-climactic but a week is surely ok?

YABU they should be with their grandparents when they open their gifts.

Change the date if you must but wouldn’t Christmas be more excessive to open everything in one day.

YANBU. Just send them AFTER Xmas Day.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted - Santa only comes at the houses the children LIVE at, not a grandparents. I think you/DH need to have a word to IL's. They had their turn at Santa. All gifts they give need to be from them only.

YABU

Mine have their Christmas celebration with their dads family one or two weeks beforehand. I've never worried that 'my' presents aren't opened first. Hasn't actually crossed my mind.
Can't see any other reason why it might matter. I mean, a pile of presents is a pile of present whether it's before Christmas day or after.