MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

[newmum0519]

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

You’re her mummy, it’s absolutely your choice and on your timescale. She is being cheeky and unfair, stand your ground.

Do you know neither of my Dc grandparents expected ‘alone’ time with my DC. They didn’t demand it, didn’t expect it and certainly didn’t send me texts expressing disappointment. What makes this woman think she has a ‘right’ to send such a text. Typically sending to the DIL and not the DS as easier once again to paint the DIL as the bad guy when she gets the answer she expects which is no. My MIL was brill with my DC and happily baby sat when I was ready and had my DD overnight at 8 mths as I had to go away. However it was me asking not her demanding.

This topic has come up before. Why do mothers in law believe they are entitled to or insist on spending “time alone” with a baby that is not their own child. It’s weird! Way too controlling. Puts me on alert.

If someone (you trust) is offering to look after your child and give you rest then take it! It's great for them to build a strong relationship and if you reject that now you may regret it in the future when you do want them to help out.

Only if you want to. I understand grandparents wanting to spend time with their grandchildren but I never get this alone thing? Especially at 6 months.

Are you saying you’ve only left your child for 15 minutes in six months!! You sound very clingy. I can understand that feeding her yourself probably makes it difficult to let someone else have her but surely it’s a good thing for your daughter to get used to other family members. The last thing you want is to have a child that won’t go to anyone else. I would also be glad that she has a grandma that actually wants to be involved. Why don’t you start by letting her take her for a long walk in her pram.

If there is no good reason not to say yes....then why wouldn’t you?!? Take all the help you can get!
Couple of precious hours to yourself whilst your baby experiences new things & change of scenery, safely with someone who loves her very, very much!
(Assuming MIL isn’t a raging drunk or escaped from jail etc!).

All the stuff about separation anxiety is complete rubbish. You are doing exactly the right thing to set your DD up to be independent and resilient when the time is right. Shipping her out to other people now would do nothing to support her ability to separate with you when she's older.

It's fine to ask other people to look after your baby and it's fine to go back to work and leave them with good quality childcare (whatever the format) when that's right for you. It's also perfectly natural and reasonable to not want to give your baby to someone else just because they want you to.

Your MIL is clearly getting plenty of time to build a bond with your DD. You don't need to be absent for that to happen.

Just tell her you will let her know when you feel ready to leave her and, in the meantime, you'll still make sure she sees lots of your DD with you.

MIL aside, does your DH not want to take his baby out alone for a walk or spend any father/baby time alone while you go shopping or something?

I find that really strange.

Why is it strange for someone not to want to be with a baby specifically without their mother around?

The presence of a mother doesn't prevent people from building bonds with babies.

I get that you’re not ready but as someone else pointed out you don’t want to end up with a child you can’t leave with someone if you need to.... maybe start small like 15-20 minutes for you to have a bath or pop to the shop. In the long run it would do you a favour too as you start forgetting that you are anything other than mum and while it is our main function once we have children it is not our sum total. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi everyone...first time posting..
I was in a similar position to this many years ago with my MIL...I was young and my side of the family lived miles away...I used to give in to my overbearing pushy MIL ...something I really regret now...
To the OP...it’s your child...it’s your decision...do what you feel is best for you and your dc...there is no such thing as loving your child too much or spending too much time with them..my MIL told me my child would grow up spoilt, insecure etc etc....I’m one proud momma to a very independent loving kind happy generous adult now😊
Enjoy every precious minute...bring a parent is the hardest but also the best thing in life...good luck!

Why is it strange for someone not to want to be with a baby specifically without their mother around?

Not strange for 'someone' but very strange for a parent imo.

YANBU it is your baby so your choice.

We've brought our kids up and know what we are doing.

Fair. But it depends what the MIL is like. Advice on things to do/not do changes regularly - will her MIL be receptive to her saying please don't do xyz which she may have done with her own child? Or respect any other requests that the OP makes? It is this worry that stops me leaving my child with anyone other than DH and DM at the moment.

When pregnant, I was told that I would make my child 'spoilt' for not doing things that were ok 30 years ago (nothing to do with crying out our fwiw) and I remember things like this when the same people then ask to babysit.

you don’t want to end up with a child you can’t leave with someone if you need to.

A six month old baby staying with their mother doesn't cause that.

Worra, I genuinely don't understand what difference it makes if the mother is in the house.

Worra, I genuinely don't understand what difference it makes if the mother is in the house.

It makes not one jot of difference.

However (again) I find it strange that a parent wouldn't want to take their child out for a walk alone, or stay home to look after the child while the other parent pops out.

OK

I think @blackcat86 has it just right. There's a lot of good advice from others too, but that text wording sounds ideal.

Its your choice and how you feel you could let her go for 30 mins then make it longer

I think I’d text her back, don’t leave it unanswered. Tell her you’re sorry to hear that she’s disappointed (try and maintain good relations) but you don’t feel like leaving her with anyone yet. It’s not s trust issue, it’s purely a bonding thing and that you’re not ready and you won’t enjoy the free time.

you leave your child when YOU areready.

either way even if you were ready, i would absolutely text MIL back and say i will let you know when i am ready.

Its your child, you decide who she is left with !

Look, it's just a personal thing but with Christmas just around the corner - presents to buy, cards to post, food prep etc ....I wouldn't be too hasty to knock back an offer to give me a few spare minutes here and there from someone I trust?

Why does someone want a baby to themselves, alone? Because they want that experience and the feelings it will give them.

A baby isn't a toy, it's a person. It's role in life isn't to meet adults' needs, and the interest in this request isn't what is in it for you OP or your dd. There's a big difference between you asking for someone to have dd because you need to go somewhere, or someone offering you respite because they think you need it, and someone just wanting a turn. And trying to emotionally blackmail you into getting their way with words like 'disappointed'.

If you don't want to it doesn't happen. It's that simple. My answer would be a cheerful no. Avoid 'not yet' and 'maybe' as this will just turn into fretting about is it time yet/when will it happen.

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think you should put yourself out a little bit and let grandma spend some time with her - if you really do want your child to develop a close bond with her.

My MiL and my mum adore both my kids and are adored back. My mum has never had alone time with either of them and probably never will and my MiL has had dc1 for one overnight whilst I was in hospital having dc2 and that's all. They shouldn't need one on one time to bond.