MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

[newmum0519]

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

For the record, I never had any problems leaving DS with anyone, since he was weeks old.
But if I got such a message I'd have told them to fuck off no.

I’m astonished by some of these answers. My DD is 11 months now, but at six months I certainly hadn’t been away from her for any length of time. She never really had a reliable feeding schedule, let alone the 4/5 hour intervals suggested earlier in the thread, so I didn’t fail confident to leave her. In fact, I did go for a haircut around six months and she wailed the whole time because she was hungry and my husband didn’t think to give her some expressed milk.

Obviously, there were plenty of times when my husband had her while still in the house, when I was sleeping or doing other tasks, but it was always easier for me to be around because of feeding.

She started nursery at eight months and the first month was tricky, but she soon settled in. She didn’t need to learn to be away from me when she was still tiny, and I actually think she’s a more confident child because our bond means that she knows I’ll always come back to her.

You can leave your baby with others when you’re ready and it suits you. You aren’t ‘too attached’ or suffering separation anxiety. This is what works for you, and your baby will be absolutely fine.

YADNBU, OP, and it’s good your DH is supporting you. You absolutely should not feel you have to hand over your baby to anyone if you don’t want to.

Your MIL sounds entitled and slightly creepy. It’s not like she doesn’t see her grandchild - she does.

And to all those saying ‘What about when you’re a GP.’. Well, in my opinion, normal GP do not text their DD or DIL trying to bully them into handing over their babies. My DM wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing. It’s totally overstepping the mark.

As there’s ‘history’ here, I’d be very wary of using MIL as childcare in future if this is how she’s going to behave. Be warned...

You are parenting your baby in the way that feels right to you, and your DH is supporting you in doing that. You say you want to text but maybe it would be better for your DH to speak to his DM.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I don’t think you have separation anxiety or anything because you don’t want to leave her yet. 6 months is still very young, it’s normal and natural to want to be with her. I left my DD very occasionally with her grandparents during the first year (I don’t have a partner so they have been very involved) but only when I had to really. There will be people who disagree but we’re all different, you should do what you feel comfortable with x

Language IS everything. She wasn't asking. She WAS demanding ("disappointed").

Language certainly is everything. She wasn't asking. She WASN'T demanding either. She was expressing how she feels. Disappointment is not a request nor a demand. It is a feeling. HTH

How does your husband feel about you never leaving your 6 month old with him for more than 15 mins ?

I only left mine when I had rob go to work. I never needed a ‘break’ from my dc I loved being with them and wished I could have spent longer with them instead of having to rush back to work.

Despite never having had her grandchildren all to herself alone, MIL is very close to her DGC, and my two year old knows her and reminds me of things nanny has done with her eg baking a cake. I expect my DC will go on to have a very close relationship with their nan as they grow older, because she’s a lovely woman and enjoys taking an interest in their lives.

Alone time with a baby doesn’t necessarily mean it will be the only way a child has a bond with a person.

Do Mums never need to go to the hairdresser or anything similar in those first months or year ?

**Language certainly is everything. She wasn't asking. She WASN'T demanding either. She was expressing how she feels. Disappointment is not a request nor a demand. It is a feeling.

This analysis is either naive or disingenuous. These may be her ‘feelings’, but the act of stating them is designed to elicit a feeling of guilt, put pressure, induce action from the receiver of the text, i.e. it’s called being manipulative. Classic behaviour

If you told me you weren’t able to do something (attend a far away wedding, for instance), and I told you I felt ‘disappointed’ - that may be an expression of my feelings, but it’s still a guilt trip. Most people don’t share every tiny emotion they have, because they are conscious of how their words can affect other people. This is why the most sensitive and charitable people will says things like ‘don’t worry about it’, ‘take your time’ etc in order to put others at ease.

Osirus
OP, don’t pay any attention to this, and others saying about separation anxiety; it simply isn’t true. It is actually the opposite that prevents an anxious baby. Being with your baby creates a secure attachment with you so that when the time comes, your infant is happy enough to be left with other people.

I never left my DD with anyone else until I went back to work at 14 months.

She has NEVER cried when I have left her. She waves me off with a smile.

If you do things your way, you are actually less likely to have issues with separation anxiety. I’m still waiting for this phase, and she’s well over 3 years old.

Really? If dd waved you away with a smile after having been with only you for 14 months then she was either delighted to finally see other people or it’s not true. NO child at that age is happy when mom leaves her with strangers unless you went to daycare for 3 months with dd before leaving her😱. You did not take her to a different setting one day and leave her with strangers.🙄

This analysis is either naive or disingenuous. These may be her ‘feelings’, but the act of stating them is designed to elicit a feeling of guilt, put pressure, induce action from the receiver of the text, i.e. it’s called being manipulative. Classic behaviour

If you told me you weren’t able to do something (attend a far away wedding, for instance), and I told you I felt ‘disappointed’ - that may be an expression of my feelings, but it’s still a guilt trip. Most people don’t share every tiny emotion they have, because they are conscious of how their words can affect other people. This is why the most sensitive and charitable people will says things like ‘don’t worry about it’, ‘take your time’ etc in order to put others at ease.

Yeah. You're reading way too much into my post which was a simple statement of facts. You can analyse all you want about what the OP's MIL might have meant but at the end of the day it is all conjecture. Which was entirely my point, although it seems to have gone entirely over your head (which, yes, is conjecture on my part).

The discussion about the meaning of words is interesting - but as we have no idea of tone or context ultimately unresolvable. One thing that interests me, though is whether it’s ever OK for a grandparent to express their feelings. All the suggested forms of words on here are focussing entirely on how the baby’s mother feels and what she wants? Obviously that’s the most important thing, but is a grandparent or other relation not allowed to have wants in this relationship and express them? Never allowed to look after their grandchild because they love her and would like to spend some time with her, not just because the baby’s mother needs a haircut?

@TheStuffedPenguin if you had RTFT you would know how he feels and that he has been to baby classes etc with the baby...

@BertrandRussell the grandmother has been allowed to spend time with her grandchild, but apparently she needs to be alone for it to "count". And who said she'd "never" be allowed?

There is absolutely no reason why MIL needs to have alone time with ur baby at this age. She has her whole life to bond. 6 months is far too young to worry. You are your babies world right now , you are the centre of her universe .. your MIL is being rude demanding and unreasonable to ask in this way. It would be different if she had asked you if you would like her to take her for a walk for an hour whilst you have a rest. But she has made it all about her and acting like you owe her something . Stand your ground if your not ready to leave then don't but if would like an hour or so alone just do it on your terms .

Disappointment is not a request nor a demand. It is a feeling.

You seem the naive one.

The way it was phrased it was to express disappointment in the OP, not a feeling about something that depended on her. Disappointment because there was an expectation about something.
Why tell the OP about this "feeling"? Because she wanted the OP to know about it. Which is emotional blackmail. Which means a demand.

Your decision but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request. She’s probably been really looking forward to looking after her. Be happy she’s so keen - many inlaws don’t care at all (and many parents too). Limit it to an hour at first.

I think she shouldn't have sent it to you in a text. It's quite harsh to state shes disappointed. But you might like a bit of time to yourself later on so don't burn your bridges. My own experience is I had to go back to work when baby was six months but I still don't leave them overnight at nearly 6 years of age. I miss them too much. I don't think it's unusual to miss your child

In your case let dh deal with it. Why didn't she ask your son (gently)?

Be honest and tell her your not yet comfortable leaving her. Make it known it’s not just her but anyone yet so she doesn’t feel it’s mad MIL vibe.

What about her watching DD while your napping or in the shower? Maybe do something nice for yourself like hairdressers or a cup of coffee with a friend?

@loveskaka Bloody hell, please tell me you just replied ‘Fuck off’? Utterly bonkers.

I agree with pp that mil is demanding, she’s deliberately put it in terms that guilt the OP into leaving the baby with her and has no right to ask this or express her ‘disappointment’.

What I don't understand from a lot of these posts is why a grandparent wanting to spend time alone with a baby is a bad thing? Why are people offended by or extremely suspicious of grandparents or other relatives wanting to bond with their child? This was normal 40 years ago when people only had relatives to look after their children and not day care.

Let's remove the possible manipulation aspect out of it in OP's specific case. I really don't understand this extreme aversion. Can someone explain this to me?

I think you need to get a grip! She’s 6 months, not 6 days!
If you can’t leave her with family, how on earth are you going to cope with going back to work and leaving her with a nursery?

My DD is 8 months and I only left her for the second time with my own mum yesterday for the afternoon . I have an excellent relationship with her and trust her completely and even then I found it hard. Totally normal when your breastfeeding. You and your child's wellbeing is most important and you are the best judge of what is needed for that.

Why are people offended by or extremely suspicious of grandparents or other relatives wanting to bond with their child? This was normal 40 years ago when people only had relatives to look after their children and not day care.

Let's remove the possible manipulation aspect out of it in OP's specific case. I really don't understand this extreme aversion.

People are averse to demanding (through manipulation or other means) to spend time, and specifically alone time, with the children.
Not averse to people wanting to bond. Not averse to people spending time alone.
Surely it's not difficult to understand.

You seem the naive one.

Hahaha! No, not naïve, dear. Merely pointing out that demand and disappointed are not synonyms.

Obviously we can all speculate on what the MIL may or may not have meant by using the specific phrase she did. Most of us are not naïve enough to state a speculation as a fact though.

I could have written this post when my DD was 6 months. I felt the same - I felt the need to keep her close and didn't understand why MIL needed alone time to bond... and I didn't appreciate the guilt tripping!! After spending 9 months growing a baby, to me it seemed natural to want to be close...

When DD was 8 months I could see she was much more comfortable with others and wasn't looking around for me if I left the room. Also she was eating so not so reliant on BM- so then MIL watched her for a couple of hours while me and DP went out for lunch. I'm glad I didn't rush it as I would have resented MIL and not enjoyed going out anyway! They have a great relationship today (DD now 2) and she watches her every week... spending alone time with her when she was younger hasn't mattered at all!!

Some of my friends have wanted a break from their newborns after a few days and their DM / MILS have watched for a few hours - we're all just different aren't we! (I bet my MIL wishes I would have been more like them!)