Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

369 replies

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 03:13

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 20/11/2019 10:04

And i wonder how many on her telling @newmum0519 to say no,would be fine and dandy not to be allowed nar their own gc.

Except the grandma is allowed near her grandchild, she sees her at least once a week.

billy1966 · 20/11/2019 10:12

Perfectly normal OP.

I would have a real allergic reaction to that extremely entitled text.

No one has any right to spend time with your child.

I find it beyond odd on MN, these tales of GP's demanding "alone time".

Have honestly never heard of it.

I would be very wary of your MIL after that comment.

I certainly wouldn't want someone so entitled taking care of my child while I was at work.

Definitely more trouble than it's worth, to have her in your face because she's looking after the baby two days a week.

A little space and distance is very effective in bringing people to their senses IMO.

Nip this in the bud and do not be manipulated of made to feel you are wrong to want to spend time with your baby.
💐

SnuggyBuggy · 20/11/2019 10:12

What baffles me is the grandparents that want overnights with baby. After last night with DD there is no bloody way I'd want someone else's baby overnight Grin

SweetAsSpice · 20/11/2019 10:14

There’s clearly a strained relationship. This makes you interpret every further interaction as hostile. I don’t know if that can change.

However, not wanting to leave your BF 6 month old (who is probably only just beginning to explore some solids) is definitely not unreasonable. At all.

The day WILL come when you’re ready to run far, far away into the sunset. And when that day comes, MIL will be waiting (ha.) But that day is not today. And that’s ok. Smile

Also. Everything is worse at 3:13am.

Shesalittlemadam · 20/11/2019 10:14

Hi long time lurker but have had to join to comment and say that whilst I understand how you're feeling please remember that in the case of your husband when it comes down to it, he has rights to spend time with his daughter alone.
If you were separated then he would be legally entitled to overnight access, even at 6 months. My DC were ordered to spend overnights with my ex-DH when they were both 4 months and one was EBF (the other wouldn't ever take BF).

I'm sorry if this sounds irrelevant or harsh but I'm saying this with consideration. Perhaps if you were to allow him to gradually spend more alone time with your DD, it would help you to feel better about leaving her with MIL?

CosmoK · 20/11/2019 10:20

What baffles me is the grandparents that want overnights with baby

My MIL has always been happy to have DS overnight even when he was tiny and a terrible sleeper. He theory was she gets a good night sleep every night so one bad night which gives us a rest is no real hardship.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/11/2019 10:20

What baffles me is the grandparents that want overnights with baby. After last night with DD there is no bloody way I'd want someone else's baby overnight

I'm very fond of my nephew but I have to say, I was always very glad to give him back at the end of the day and be able to get a decent night's sleep! My favored gran was always more of the tromping about in the woods with the dog and then back to mum and dad when they get fussy sort, which worked out well both for her and for all of her grandchildren (and my mum, who was definitely not the fond of the outdoors type).

AngryPrincess · 20/11/2019 10:21

YDNBU. I think it’s a bit weird thatMiL is insisting on time alone tbh. Offering to help, yes. Insisting, makes it all about what MiL wants, when really it should be all about what you want and what is best for the baby. ( What makes you happy will be best for the baby). Her feelings are a distant 4th or 5th, (after your DH and possibly your DM). Say no. Don’t feel the need to qualify or excuse it.

Drabarni · 20/11/2019 10:26

If you aren't ready then you should be honest, nothing wrong with this but please make it obvious it isn't because you don't trust her.
I think we (grannies) ask for time on our own to bond and also so we don't feel watched and judged and can relax more.
We've brought our kids up and know what we are doing.
Besides, it's great to give them back again and have the best of both worlds Grin
How about half an hours walk round the park, is mil quite fit and healthy.

Alsohuman · 20/11/2019 10:29

It's a new thing, surely, this idea that grandparents are entitled to alone time with their grandchildren?“

No, it’s a very old thing. I left my five month old son with my mum for a weekend 44 years ago. The new thing is mothers not allowing their baby out of their sight.

fromcitytocountry · 20/11/2019 10:32

Wow...some of these comments are ridiculous!

OP you are not wrong to not want MIL to have baby at 6months.
You decide when you are ready and that is your right.

I would never leave my little one alone with my MIL because she would struggle with him. To be honest I've only left him with my nan and mum when I've needed to.

There's plenty of time for sleepovers and says out with them when they are older so what's the rush.

Don't let them pressure you

Talkingmouse · 20/11/2019 10:42

I see some replies ‘defending’ the gp and criticising op.

Here is an alternative text a well balanced mature gp would have sent:

‘Hi OP, hope you managed to get some sleep last night! Is there anything I can do to help the next few days? Get some shopping? Take dd to the park for an hour to give you a rest? x’

NOT: ‘...I am disappointed...’

SnuggyBuggy · 20/11/2019 10:43

Given that through human history most babies were breastfed I don't see how not wanting to be separated from them is a new phenomenon. Surely caring extended family would have supported and cared for the mum and baby as a unit rather than thinking of it in terms of what they were entitled to.

Uuummmm · 20/11/2019 10:48

I’d have no problems leaving DC with their GPs if I was asked in a respectful fashion (great alternative text, Talkingmouse), but it wouldn’t happen after that guilt trip from MIL!

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 20/11/2019 10:52

"I just don't think I'm ready to leave DD for any considerable amount of time. I dont really want to be away from her yet"

Send her that message

But, think about, in a few weeks, going for that haircut, or a swim, or to an exercise class, or christmas shopping. And let her care for DD whilst you do

Pilot12 · 20/11/2019 10:52

If you don't like the idea and saying no is going to cause trouble/upset, you could compromise and have MIL come to your house. She could spent a couple of hours with her grandchild while you do the washing, ironing, tidy up, bake a cake etc. She's getting "alone" time with the baby but you are not far away.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/11/2019 10:54

Still not sure what part of "entitled" isn't clear to pp. Asking for help with a baby is a very different thing from having someone demand that you hand them over when you don't want to.

RockinHippy · 20/11/2019 10:55

She's 6 months old. MIL can do one

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 20/11/2019 10:56

Unless there is massive prior history (forgive me if not picked this up on the thread) there is really NO point in OP or posters getting all huffy about the use of language in a text and lambasting the MIL for being "entitled".

One text asking isn't "demanding" a 3 night sleepover. And texts are TERRIBLE for people reading unintended criticism and nuance.

Decline politely, but that you will consider it when you are ready. And perhaps that you will call on her the minute that you are

CodenameVillanelle · 20/11/2019 10:57

I think you're too attached to your DD. It's good for babies to spend time with others, that's how they build relationships

This is so stupid. I have a nephew who I adore. I have a relationship with him; more than either set of grandparents because I see him every couple of weeks. He's still a baby and I've never had him on my own unless his mum is having a shower or something. Yet he knows me and is happy to be with me. I wouldn't want him without his parent, because he might get upset and want them and it wouldn't be fun for either of us.
When he gets to be a toddler and a pre schooler it will be different. Different developmental stages! But babies don't need to spend time with relatives away from their parents to form a relationship.

diddl · 20/11/2019 11:01

"We've brought our kids up and know what we are doing."

So why would you feel "watched & judged" by a parent also being there?

SnuggyBuggy · 20/11/2019 11:06

My DD has had hardly any time alone with her GPs and she still loves playing with them and gets all excited to see them on facetime. Alone time with babies isn't necessary and I wonder if there are some grandparents competing with other grandparents over this sort of thing.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/11/2019 11:10

I wonder if some people are missing the fact that OPs husband was annoyed about that text too and wanted to go tell his mom off (but didn't because OP told him she'd rather handle it herself). To me that strongly indicates that this isn't the first time MIL has overstepped boundaries.

Look, I adore my MIL, to the point where when she's been arguing with her kids I've been the one to step in and remind DH that you only get one mum and he shouldn't burn any bridges with her, and how about looking at the situation from her point of view. But if she had talked to me the way OPs MIL talks to her then we'd never have developed that kind of relationship. None of this is happening in a vacuum.

SuperSleepyBaby · 20/11/2019 11:14

I have 4 children and wanted to keep them with me all the time when they were small and so I did. Its not like they are unable to form relationships now with other people because of this. The eldest is 11 now I am happy to drop them off at their grandparents now for a few hours.

Just because other people think you should take a break from your baby doesn’t mean you have to do it if its not what you actually want.

Lweji · 20/11/2019 11:31

there is really NO point in OP or posters getting all huffy about the use of language in a text and lambasting the MIL for being "entitled".

Language IS everything. She wasn't asking. She WAS demanding ("disappointed").

Swipe left for the next trending thread