Teacher choosing to shorten DD's name

[mummasaurus]

Hi,

DD has a name that is long and could be shortened but she choses not to, don't want to state it as could be outing but think Samantha, so could be Sam if she wished. She started school in September and has just got very upset this evening because she says people in school aren't using her full name. After explaining that sometimes people do shorten their name and all she has to do is say to her classmates that she prefers her full first name she replied 'it's not the children, it's Mrs X (her teacher), and I have told her but she hasn't stopped'

AIBU to think this is bad of the teacher? We completed the registration form with DDs full first name as her preferred name.

I think of name shortening as endearment too. I think you need to stop being so precious about it. Unless the name they are abbreviating too is nothing like the original. I’m afraid I’d be letting your daughter know that people do shorten names and unfortunately we gave you a name that is frequently shortened. I do find it astounding when people are so angry about their little Thomas being called Tom when Tom is the accepted and most often preferred name for Thomas. Seriously, choose another name

My son just tells the teacher and says his name is xxx not x. And had done since nursery.

I think its more odd that your dd is so upset about it!

mummasaurus. YANBU
The Teacher should know better. She should never change a child's name without the child wanting it.

I would go in to see the Teacher or send a letter and simply say you are worried that your daughter has been upset because she has changed her name and that her name is ........ , in full, and the family do not abbreviate it. I am quite shocked that a Teacher of a young child would do this - it is very wrong.

I have two friends (and one Monarch) called Elizabeth and, (apart from the Monarch's private life with her close family although I believe one of the family calls her "Gary",) they have all maintained that people call them by their full name, not Liz, Betty, Beth, Lizzie, or any other shortening of Elizabeth. That's all 4 syllables. I see no reason why this Teacher should not respect your daughter and use her name properly. It's not right to decide to change a child's name.

Actually, our name is important, especially when we are young. A Teacher ought to know better. I get upset when people on help-lines have obviously had to adopt an English type of name such as "Jimmy" because the British can't say their native name. It is a big disgrace that the British have so little respect for people helping them that they can't even be bothered to learn names of people who come from another country or culture. Although we did have a sweet little girl whose name we suggested the parents changed for school, for her own sake, as she was called "Shitti`'(my spelling might be wrong - it was years ago) .

My ds and I have the opposite problem. Long names we dislike, prefer shortened version. In my case, the stupid part is, my mother liked the short version of my name but on my bc is the long one.
My ds's father decided on his name, I said ok as long as you don't mind me calling him shortened version. I have not even used it when I'm telling him off.
I think because I spend most of my life saying "I prefer xxxx" ds has followed my example and says the same to anyone who calls him by his full name.

Darbs76 Not in school by the Teacher and only with the child's agreement. You can't decide to change a child's name, however endearing the shorter name sounds to you. If the boy is called Thomas and wants people to use his full name, the school should respect that. I know in the playground it's harder to get the children to use the name you want, but many people achieve it as I said above about my two friends called Elizabeth.

Gingaaarghpussy. Most people do not know that one of my daughters' names is actually a longer version than the name by which everyone knows her. Like your son, we decided her name was to be the longer name (for family reasons) and that we would call her by the shortened version (the name has several short versions actually) from the start.

@Ellyess - sorry but I’d be worried why my young child was so upset by it and invest more time in explaining that there are many times in her life when her name will get shortened if she’s been called a name like Samantha as that’s just going to happen isn’t it. Yes you can speak to the teacher, send an email to the head but all her life people are going to call her Sam. I just don’t understand why people choose such names only to be horrified when people shorten it. Yes speak for the teacher but also get the child used to the fact that many people will automatically shorten her name. Just take it on the chin. My name is shortened all the time, if I spent time getting annoyed over it it would just be silly.

Trewser

I think its more odd that your dd is so upset about it
How can you say that?!

Are you just insensitive?

I think it's much more odd that any adult does not understand that a little girl starting school is upset because her Teacher is calling her by the wrong name! It's very wrong of the Teacher!

I once taught a child where there were 2 accepted shortenings of the name. The parents liked different ones, so the child in question didn't actually know which one to use. Mum would call her Lizzie and dad called her Beth. She didn't recognise herself as Elizabeth, but would answer to either Lizzie or Beth. It was very difficult to know what to call her, so I asked her to make a decision and I would stick to whichever version she decided on. So I called her Beth. She told some teachers Lizzie and others Beth!

I do agree that getting a child's name right is important. I would have hated anyone to use a shortened version of my name that I hadn't chosen. People did change the last letter of my name (Joanne to Joanna), but I refused to answer to it and they soon stopped.

Darbs76. It is her name. She has the right to be addressed by her correct name. The school is a formal place where she has to go. They are obliged to respect each child and call them by the right name. The Teacher should call each child by the name her parents have asked they be called. They do not have the right to change a child's name. T a little child this is a huge thing. Obviously in the playground it is a different matter, her mum can explain that as you have said, children will shorten her name. The little girl might tell her friends that she isn't called x but xxx.

But if some one shortens my name in a formal place where they should use it properly, I am offended. I do correct people who shorten it in a friendly way but I don't get cross with them, just say I prefer to be called or I'm called zzz and don't answer to z. (My name isn't long but people sometimes shorten it). If you had wanted to, you could have pointed out to people what your name is and not let them call you by its diminutive. Just because you did not does not mean that everybody has to let people change their name when they speak to them.

I've been on both sides of this argument. My son has a 3 syllable name with an obvious 1 syllable shortner. We never used it at home but the day he started nursery he became known as just that. It carried on to school and we really don't mind (neither does he) BUT I did speak to the school when certificates etc were being issued from the office with the shortened version (seems too casual AND sounds shit with our surname).

I am a teacher & have to admit to being a name shortener/changer/nickname giver. To me, it helps to forge a relationship with kids but I am talking surly inner city teenagers who take work to connect with. That said, if any of them asked me to use their full name I would.

Your daughter obviously has the right to insist on what she wants to be known as but it's probably worth helping her to understand that it isn't coming from a negative place as it may happen with other children.

I have a name that can be shortened many different ways but rarely is the full length used. My parents chose one of the abbreviations when I was tiny as my everyday name which is what everyone has always called me, I only use the full length on official forms etc. However I had one teacher who constantly used a different abbreviation, no matter how many times I told her. In the end I just didn't answer when she used it. People assume abbreviations a lot which I find odd but maybe that's because I have a tricky experience with it! Just tell the teacher or ask your child to do so. It's not 'bad' of her, she will have a million things to remember, she might just need reminding a few times.

MsAwesomeDragon. May I humbly say what a lovely Teacher you were/are? You have demonstrated how important it is to ask the child and that the child needs to be happy with the name they are called, most especially by their Teacher. To a little child starting school, their name is like their identity. The Teacher calling them by another name must make them feel as if she is not happy with the person they are at home where they are called by their real name.

I would have told people not to change the last letter if I had your lovely name. I expect they did it by mistake but even so that was not paying attention to you properly. When my name is abbreviated it reminds me of a big heavy drunken man, and I hate it. I never let people call me by the shortened version any more. I had to put up with my older sister and her friends at school but not any more.

ktp100. You obviously call your pupils by names that they like, i.e. only shorten names or use nick names with their tacit approval and to boost their moral. That's lovely. It's the opposite of a Teacher receiving a new young child into her class and not even finding out that she is upsetting the little child by changing her name.

Just make sure your DD not told her short version. My DS is always long version but teacher called him short version wasn't happy turned out he said to teacher he didn't mind.
Unfortunately if you pick a long name be prepared short version will be used on occasion.

PepsiCat33
It's nice of you to say that it isn't bad of the teacher and that she has a million things to think about. I do think she is in the wrong because of the age group - each child's name is crucially important to them and she should have got this right from the start. It is her job. I have taught that age group as well as older. To have done it since September is a long time so she probably by now does not realise that the child is upset so I agree that the mum needs to go in for a chat and explain. But the Teacher must call the child by the name her family use for her (unless they all call her Pickle or something! then it'll have to be the name they ask to be used!)

Cant imagine any of my kids getting upset by something like that

My DD2 has a double name (think Mary-Lou) and all the teachers address her correctly. All except her class teacher who deliberately called her just the first part. Even when I mentioned that her name was Mary-Lou and put it in writing she continued, even writing back to me using just half the name. It was deliberate and bullying. DD2 had a hell of a year in her class and the name issue was symptomatic of the teacher's attitude. Several other kids in the class moved school in that year due to profound unhappiness in the class.

@danmthatonestakentryanotheer your daughter is a bad ass.

I’m always very careful about names as I think they’re important to get right. My boss’s name is Daniel, so I call him Daniel. I would never ever call him Dan or Danny unless he told me to.

I have a friend who is a habitual name shortener. She sees it as being friendly. I think a lot of people probably find it really annoying though.

I always ask if they want to be called by full name or diminutive and do my best to remember. Definitely say something

Here's a different wrong name scenario. The story is true. Names have been changed.
My late father, James Alexander Smith, known as Alex, was admitted to hospital when he was in his 80s. One student nurse started calling him Jimmy. Several others followed. He would probably have preferred these women, younger than some of his grandchildren, to call him Mr Smith, but had he been asked, he might have said Alex. He would perhaps have forgiven James, as an innocent mistake. But Jimmy? How bloody patronising! He put them right, but nothing changed so he studiously ignored them and was recorded as being confused.
Do those of you who think it is ok for an adult authority figure to choose a child's name also think it is ok for health care professionals to call their adult patients whatever takes their fancy? Or is it just children who don't get to have an opinion on their name?

Damnthatonestaken - my secondary school headteacher once said to visiting parents, 'Angela will show you round'. I am not Angela. I replied with 'Angela won't, but Bastards might.' He was suitably embarrassed.

Ten years later, when I had qualified as a teacher, I was sent on a management course. He was running it . As I walked into the room he said, without missing a beat, 'Angela! How lovely to see you!' 😂😂😂

I’m a primary school teacher. I always ask children if their parents use the shorter form of their name before using it myself. I’d object to my name or my child’s being changed unless I used the shortened form myself. Any reasonable teacher wouldn’t mind being corrected and it can be done nicely and not be an issue.