Wedding date clash- advice for the brides?

[amoobaa]

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

A group of 24 very close cousins based in the UK, two currently living abroad.

Cousin A announces their engagement in 2018 (followed a few months later by the news that cousin B is also engaged).

Cousin A decides to get married in September 2019.

Cousin B sets the date for their wedding but waits until after cousin A’s wedding has passed before sending out the information.

Cousin A’s wedding takes place- lots of excitement. A few weeks later, info goes out about cousin B’s wedding- more excitement. Date is set for the following year (mid September 2020).

So here we are, in November 2019. Cousin C announces their engagement. There’s lots of excitement.

Cousin C messages cousin B and asks if cousin B is free the weekend before their wedding in September 2020.

Cousin B says that they are booked up in the 2 or 3 weeks leading up to their wedding due to wedding prep and putting up family who are travelling from Australia to be at the wedding. The Australian relatives are from ‘the other side’ of cousin B’s family (they don’t know cousin C and wouldn’t be attending both weddings).

Cousin C is asking about the weekend before cousin B’s wedding, because this is when cousin C would like to get married.

Cousin B expressed surprise and said they would be sad if cousin C decided to have their wedding the weekend before theirs. Cousin B says they were careful when making their own plans, not to tread on cousin A’s toes. They asked why cousin C wants a date so close to theirs.

Cousin C is planning on getting married abroad (France) because this is where they have been living with their partner for the last few years.

Cousin B says they have planned their wedding to be budget friendly and stress free for guests to attend so would be frustrated if cousin C then invited the same 40 relatives to a wedding abroad the weekend before. They say it’s unnecessary to squeeze two big family weddings so close together. Cousin B says it seems unkind to pick the same time to get married.

Cousin C reflects and says they were not thinking properly and apologise. Cousin C says they won’t choose that date.

The next day cousin C suggests setting their wedding date for July or August 2020 instead.

Cousin C isn’t keen but feels there’s little they can do and says they want to focus on their own planning. Cousin B’s partner feels the same way- disappointed but determined not to cause a fuss.

Cousin C is unaware of any reason why choosing to get married in July/ August would be problematic and is not aware of any social norms or etiquette regarding this. They don’t know why they should leave more than a few weeks between the two weddings and can’t see why they should wait for cousin B’s wedding to pass before having their own.

As cousin D points out, the two events are unrelated.

Cousin C is really excited about getting engaged and wants to set their wedding date asap.

Cousin C sends messages to cousin B, explaining they are feeling very upset and would like a bit of reassurance from cousin B that getting married in July/ August 2020 is ok.

Nobody can own or reserve an entire year. A few weeks between each wedding shouldn’t be too much of a problem for mutual relatives should it?

Cousin C doesn’t want to wait to get married. Why should they wait?

Cousin B won’t stand in cousin C’s way but seems reluctant to offer the reassurance and validation cousin C wants.

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

*If C has their wedding in July

And also to the posters who can't believe in 24 close cousins, you're not Irish are you?? I had loads of cousins growing up, and now most of us have had kids, loads more little cousins have joined! It's easier than calling them second cousins once removed or whatever.

How did the talk with cousin C go last night OP?

Thank you all- I definitely won’t share the thread then! I suppose I was thinking that it offered a lot of support for her position, so I was imagining it would be reassuring. Though I see the risks involved too, so I won’t! We’re a family who love to debate, so I think she would have appreciated the level of detail people have considered and the wide variety of perspectives shared! It’s been thought provoking and enlightening. But given the emotion involved, I won’t chance it.

Instead I’ll focus on getting things back on track, so that normal service can resume asap.

InACheeseAndPickle- thank you, I do hope I can carry forward his optimistic approach to life :)

NeverForgetYourDreams, haha! A double wedding! That’s exactly what my Dad would have suggested. He’d probably have managed to persuade everyone as well...

Downwiththatsortofthing252, we spoke last night and both feel much better for having communicated. We relate to each other more like siblings than cousins and would both be sad if either of us couldn’t attend the others’ wedding.

Also, I love your suggestion that the first wedding could help create a great atmosphere at the September wedding. I’ll remember that.

I actually have a lot more than 24 cousins if you include the Australian ones!

My cousin and I are in agreement that two weddings should equal twice the joy... the only thing required is love and good communication. And on reflection, we are lucky (and determined) to have both.

I agree that nobody can own any particular chunk of time or veto weddings taking place before their own and I’ve told her I’m grateful that they are taking our date into consideration when planning theirs (this also makes it easier for the family as a whole).

As previous posters said, we can’t control other people and their decisions, our family will make up their own minds (that much we can be sure of!) But we can and will take each other’s feelings into consideration regardless.

In answer to a previous poster, who was asking why we are paying for her accommodation the night of our wedding... it’s because the fee for our venue includes some rooms (for the night of the wedding). We have to pay for these regardless. The venue says most people pay for them and then recover the cost from the guests who choose to stay. But we are hoping to cover the cost ourselves. They are beautiful rooms and would allow some of our closest friends (and my cousins!) to stay overnight, then have breakfast together the following morning. Also, it’s important to me that my Mum isn’t alone once the music stops, so she’ll have a room too. I know she’ll be missing my Dad a lot.

I said to my cousin that the date she gets married is completely in her hands and that’s the way it should be.

It was nice to get back to the things that really matter- to congratulate her again and reiterate how excited we are about her engagement.

And in turn, she expressed how happy she is that we will be sharing this journey together.

I’ve shared a lot of feedback from here with disgruntled relatives who were annoyed on my behalf and that has genuinely helped to smooth things over. So thank you. Both the challenges and the empathy have helped.

My Dad would have been so happy for my cousin.

He used to say to me, “There are some things in life that really really matter. And others that simply don’t matter at all. The trick is, knowing the difference.”

I think that combining all the different replies on here gives quite a thorough and fair assessment of the situation.

I want to look back and think ‘I made the right call- I knew the difference’.

Besides, no matter what way you look at life, sometimes being kind is better than being right.

OP to reassure you, we have three family weddings one summer, in June August and September. Many of the same people attended all three and at each of them a great time was had by all. As I recall, there were a couple of people who couldn't make all three weddings but that was because of work commitments and not because three weddings was too much.

I am sure your family will enjoy both weddings too and I hope that both you and your cousin have beautiful wedding days.

Oh op you are an absolute model of reason. Very best wishes for your wedding x

I hope both wedding days go well. As someone said earlier, It's a wedding day. It's actually the rest of your lives together which will mean far more than any one day. In 25 years (speaking from experience) you won't remember much about who was there and who wasn't, what people wore or what the invitations looked like. You'll get the occasional whiff of the flowers you had and remember when you first saw them. You'll eat a similar starter or main course and think about the corny jokes in the speeches. You'll reminisce about your Mil spilling a drink down the back of your dress and how you never bothered to get it cleaned. Don't worry about it, just enjoy your friends and family being together & toast all those who can't be there for whatever reason.

Sounds like cousin C is desperate to get married before cousin B ...

There are no rules but C should wait until after B I think. Particularly as it is abroad and may cost people a lot more to attend and put them off going to cousin B's wedding. Cousin B should send invites asap so hopefully she will secure acceptances.

We got married in August this year and my husbands brother got married 3 weeks later (we were engaged first and booked our wedding first, they got engaged a month later and shortly after booked their wedding). I honestly dont seen the problem in it. Neither wedding took anything away from the other despite them being so close. Although maybe a bit of a pain for the relatives on my in laws side having to book days off, spend money and gifts etc twice so close together

A week before isn’t cool but the July before is completely fine.

I'm undecided.

On one hand July should be fine, on the other I can see why cousin B is feeling upstaged.

Too close to call it.

"you dont own a year" blah blah blah. i agree and understand all that. HOWEVER i would never plan my wedding BEFORE a cousins if its less than 12 months away. It just feels a bit like stealing someone elses thunder.

My DM was engaged for 12 months, planned a huge white wedding and saved up. Very lovely day. the month before her younger sister discovered she was pregnant and got married that month. My DNan even forced my DM to share her table centrepieces and "help out" her sister as it was a dire situation. She even ended up with the same (sisters and cousins) bridesmaids as DM!

Within two weeks of another close friend or relative is a bit cheeky and mean imo but anything further away than that is fair game. People don't all need to get married in order of engagement. I come from a large family. I am only one in 3 siblings but have 32 first cousins DH is one in 5 siblings and has 12 first cousins, if all of us waited for the other to be married before having our wedding we would all be waiting forever.

C getting married in the same month is unreasonable but can't get married at any other time.

I don't understand the whole the who got engaged first gets married first.

When dh and I got engaged and started making plans we were about to announce our date when suddenly dh plugged the plug because it's before his dB who was engaged and booked his wedding before we got engaged. I was a bit meh until I was informed we'd need to wait til the following year to get wed as that year is his dB. I was baffled but this was an expectation of his family so to keep the peace went alone with it. We spent ages revising and planning for his dsis to then complain new date its too close to her birthday. We don't see alot of this family now.

My brother did this to me. We got engaged first of all the couples but were forced by family pressure on dh's side to postpone our planned wedding date twice (another whole story) and we obliged twice so that an older sibling and a cousin could get married first.

After rearranging ours for a winter date, specifically to avoid another clash, my brother jumped in about four months before and decided he was getting married two weeks before us. Then it was moved to the same home church. All the same family on both sides, all making long journeys to come to the same church. Lots of them were peed off, didn't want to come to both, making long journeys two weeks apart. The thing that bothered me was - if you must have the exact same people in the same church two weeks apart, and you insist it's not a problem, why can't you make yours the second one?

The problem is that if you're the one who has already booked a church etc, you have no choice in the matter. You're committed.

Anyway, cut a long story short, I've never really forgiven him. It wasn't the wedding, it was the amount of bullshit that he spewed out in his justification as to why it had to be two weeks before. I won't go into the lies but the whole thing demonstrated to me what a slippery, lying selfish b**strd he was. Not a nice thing to admit. As for dsil, we have barely said a civil word to each other for 20 years since then. It's been awkward because she felt put out to have anyone else giving a view on her plans.

In the end, I think family pressure or maybe church availability meant the wedding was brought forward to a couple of months before us. So all of that fuss over nothing. The bad taste tainted both weddings, because it had been such a nightmare.

The moral of the story..... When someone else has moved their wedding to accommodate others, it's not very nice to shaft them!!

You sound lovely amoobaa. I expect your dad would be proud of how you’ve handled this. I hope you and C both have smashing weddings with all the important people there.

Oh my, are you one of my cousins? 26 I think but I’m not including their children because my head would explode. It’s an endless round of weddings, christenings, all in Catholic Churches. Bonkers. I was at cousin’s house, talking to another one about his upcoming wedding, then there was another, then an engagement, it’s all just crackers. I’m hugely relieved that I’ve moved away and am lots older than most of them so don’t have to be involved.

Can see why cousin B is upset but there isn't much they can do. We had a similar situation in our family. Cousin 1, 2 and 3 are sisters. C1 got married in June two years later C2 got married in June (Aunt and Uncle help with £££). C3 couldn't wait to get married and paid for it all themselves so got married in April before C2. Caused a lot of unpleasantness but C2 just had to accept it.

My brother and I had two months between our weddings. My poor Mum. But no one batted an eyelid. And our cousin who got married in the June two months before I did, didn't even invite our intendeds! Three weddings in five months and no one made any fuss.

"it’s important to me that my Mum isn’t alone once the music stops, so she’ll have a room too. I know she’ll be missing my Dad a lot."

This bit left me with a big lump in my throat. My mum would be the same. It's very thoughtful of you. I hope both weddings are full of love and joy.

Personally I'd be annoyed if I was in cousin bs position. Cousin C knew about Cousin Bs wedding so I cant see why they would plan their wedding before Cousin B.
I would be recommending September and onwards for Cousin Cs wedding or have it in March/May so there is ample space between the two.
Family travelling needs to be taken into consideration as does accommodation for guests and the gifts these guests are supposed to give.

Well, I'm getting married in July in France, good luck to her to book anything with such a short time.

My parents don't live in a very popular area (basic French countryside) and my catered is fully booked for the wedding season by the 1st January of the year...

Venues are booked months, if not year in advance, etc.

@antisupermum totally agree with you. If wedding was always going to be ASAP in July fine but the weekend before smacks of trying to beat them down the aisle.

TLDR

So a week later from the OP, the mighty @simiisme arrives with their wonderful insight...

rolls eyes