I’m B
Comefromaway “Just because Cousin B is having a 2 year? engagmente doesn;t mean everyone else should.”
True.
AtillatheHun “you lost me at 24 close cousins.”
I know... it’s bonkers.
PooWillyBumBum “Both cousins need to chill out and let friends and family decide which weddings they are able to attend.” THIS.
lau888 “Cousins B and C are both effectively having destination weddings if most of the family guests would have to travel overseas. They should both go ahead with their plans and accept that some relatives wouldn't have been able to attend one or both weddings anyway.”
We were all born in England and grew up here. Just my Mum who is the odd one out as she grew up in Australia and has family there. I’m lucky some will be able to vibe :)
CravingCheese “There's imo absolutely no reason to wait until coursing B's wedding has passed to get married themselves....”
I can’t argue with that.
mrsm43s “Cousin B should get married when Cousin B wants to get married, and Cousin C should get married when Cousin C wants to get married. Cousin B should not be attempting to dictate when Cousin C is allowed to get married. Obviously one week before Cousin B's wedding wasn't a great idea as it will cause logistical issues, but beyond that, its really up to each bride and their fiance to pick whichever date they wish.”
THIS.
Besidesthepoint “It's a wedding DAY and not a wedding year.”
Yes, this is true.
GrumpyHoonMain “Be thankful you’re not an Indian Hindu. We often only have set dates in which we can marry - I am due to go to 5 cousins’ weddings on the same weekend next year and DH has also been invited to another 10 for the same weekend abroad.”
Thank you for the perspective/ reality check! :D
antisupermum- thank you, your message summarised how my Mum is feeling, and also reminded me that my feelings are only human. They were originally fuelled by frustration and disappointment rather than the diplomacy and kindness I’d like to be remembered for!
onthecoins- thank you, your post articulates how I feel. I think July is fine too. August feels a bit close, and yes the weekend before my wedding felt like a really thoughtless suggestion (given that it’s avoidable and was suggested with excitement and no acknowledgement of how it might affect logistics for a big family wedding she knows everyone has already been invited to. I’d like to think we are close, we’re more like siblings than cousins- and perhaps that leads us to be less filtered and more care free in our interactions? Boundaries have never been my families forte. But us cousins are working on it.
NoParticularPattern “You’re pretty lucky C was willing to reconsider the weekend before actually, it’s not like she’s booked the exact same day is it? C needs to get over the fact that clearly any answer she gives but “oh yes B, we shall avoid 2020 altogether” is clearly not going to appease her.” And “it’s unlikely to affect an identical list of guests is it?”
Yes, you’re right... I’d be gutted if she chose the same day! But I can’t imagine her ever doing something like that. She’s been thoughtless but she’s not not malicious. And we both want each other at our weddings, so that would be epically bad planning. You should see how long it takes us to pick a mutually agreeable date for our cousin get togethers... it’s ridiculous. If they avoid having their wedding the weekend before ours, I’d be appeased (not that she has any obligation to appease me!) I want to celebrate her marriage. If she chooses to get married before us, it will eat into our budget (our long engagement has ensured we can afford to pay for everything ourselves, including paying for her accommodation on the night of our wedding). So we’ll have to figure that out somehow.
As for the guest list, we’ll share just over 40 of the same guests (direct aunts, uncles, cousins, their partners and their children. We’re both inviting everyone.
But like GrumpyHoonMain said... relative to even bigger families, I’m lucky. And it’s my choice to invite everyone. It’s something I feel strongly about because I know it’s what my Dad would have wanted.
JosephineDeBeauharnais “In your situation OP, Cousin C was wrong to set a date so close to B's date, but July / August is fine. B is being precious.”
Agreed.
I’m hoping that persuading my Mum and brother that this is all going to be ok and that we don’t own chunks of time, will go some way in demonstrating that I’m not precious. In the end I think it will be much more than ok... I’m hoping all the advice on here will help my closer relatives see that two weddings can actually equal twice the joy, if handled diplomatically.
Damntheman “So I'd say july is fine. Cousin C needs to get over needing approval. Cousin B needs to stop being miffed that Cousin C is essentially pipping her to the post. It's not a race, nobody cares. I hope you both have wonderful weddings!”
Thank you- perfectly put. This is going to be my mantra ‘It’s not a race. Nobody cares’. :D
MeredithGrey1 “With 24 cousins I think it's quite likely to have a couple of weddings relatively close together at some point, even if there is a wide spread of ages.”
That’s true, I’m surprised this hasn’t been an issue already. Our ages are really varied but you still never know what age people will be, if/when they marry.
Celebelly “Cousin C is perfectly entitled to get married before them regardless of when they got engaged. I don't get the reasoning that they should hold off because Cousin B has decided to make a big thing of it.”
She is entitled to and I imagine she will. She wants to talk to me tonight so we’ll be clearer then. My upset was about her suggesting a wedding abroad the weekend before mine. I agree that if I objected to any time at all before mine, then that would be precious.
Also “not everyone wants to be engaged for ages or take months and months to plan a wedding.”
Tell me about it! It’s getting boring now! But my fiancées Mum died and we’re not super wealthy so we needed longer to save and process. It’s going to be emotional with both of us having lost a parent.
Shoxfordian “What do cousins E to X think?” Haha! That made me chuckle! :D I only got as far as D and E... they were both unimpressed with C. But ultimately we all know love will win over. We’re all relatively well adjusted.
BlackSwanGreen “It's fine for Cousin C to get married in July / Aug, but I think maybe Cousin B is still feeling upset by the initial suggestion (one week before their wedding) which was really insensitive. Maybe they're struggling to get past that?”
YES. Nail on head. On reflection, I don’t bloody care about whether she gets married before or after... how could I? I’m genuinely excited for her. I was just so hurt that she would let her excitement render her entirely oblivious to my feelings, to the point that she would suggest the weekend before. I was really pissed off about that. But I’ve let it go- she said sorry and I want to focus on the good not the bad.
Derbee- thank you, what you said also makes sense and helps. I’ll reiterate those points to my close relatives.
GoodByeRosie “I think all the 'close cousins' need to have a chat about how they have weddings. It seems pretty insurmountable for family to go to a destination event for every one. if they are really close, this shouldn't be a problem.” I shall propose this, haha!! Clearly we need some kind of family marriage policy :D but in all seriousness. I like to think we are close. We’re more like siblings than cousins. My Dad was one of four.
Let us not forget that my Mum grew up in Australia and was one of six... imagine the scale of this post, had my Australian relatives been involved!
It’s true, I’m not enthralled. But love wins.
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to more of these excellent posts... some really made me chuckle and they are all very helpful and help put this into perspective.
And thank you to those of you who empathised with my hurt.
I’ll chat with her tonight as she asked.
I can be angry or accepting and as my Dad used to say, life is simply too short. God, I miss him. He’d probably have suggested a joint wedding and made everyone laugh so much that we’d have agreed.
Thanks again xx