Wedding date clash- advice for the brides?

[amoobaa]

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

A group of 24 very close cousins based in the UK, two currently living abroad.

Cousin A announces their engagement in 2018 (followed a few months later by the news that cousin B is also engaged).

Cousin A decides to get married in September 2019.

Cousin B sets the date for their wedding but waits until after cousin A’s wedding has passed before sending out the information.

Cousin A’s wedding takes place- lots of excitement. A few weeks later, info goes out about cousin B’s wedding- more excitement. Date is set for the following year (mid September 2020).

So here we are, in November 2019. Cousin C announces their engagement. There’s lots of excitement.

Cousin C messages cousin B and asks if cousin B is free the weekend before their wedding in September 2020.

Cousin B says that they are booked up in the 2 or 3 weeks leading up to their wedding due to wedding prep and putting up family who are travelling from Australia to be at the wedding. The Australian relatives are from ‘the other side’ of cousin B’s family (they don’t know cousin C and wouldn’t be attending both weddings).

Cousin C is asking about the weekend before cousin B’s wedding, because this is when cousin C would like to get married.

Cousin B expressed surprise and said they would be sad if cousin C decided to have their wedding the weekend before theirs. Cousin B says they were careful when making their own plans, not to tread on cousin A’s toes. They asked why cousin C wants a date so close to theirs.

Cousin C is planning on getting married abroad (France) because this is where they have been living with their partner for the last few years.

Cousin B says they have planned their wedding to be budget friendly and stress free for guests to attend so would be frustrated if cousin C then invited the same 40 relatives to a wedding abroad the weekend before. They say it’s unnecessary to squeeze two big family weddings so close together. Cousin B says it seems unkind to pick the same time to get married.

Cousin C reflects and says they were not thinking properly and apologise. Cousin C says they won’t choose that date.

The next day cousin C suggests setting their wedding date for July or August 2020 instead.

Cousin C isn’t keen but feels there’s little they can do and says they want to focus on their own planning. Cousin B’s partner feels the same way- disappointed but determined not to cause a fuss.

Cousin C is unaware of any reason why choosing to get married in July/ August would be problematic and is not aware of any social norms or etiquette regarding this. They don’t know why they should leave more than a few weeks between the two weddings and can’t see why they should wait for cousin B’s wedding to pass before having their own.

As cousin D points out, the two events are unrelated.

Cousin C is really excited about getting engaged and wants to set their wedding date asap.

Cousin C sends messages to cousin B, explaining they are feeling very upset and would like a bit of reassurance from cousin B that getting married in July/ August 2020 is ok.

Nobody can own or reserve an entire year. A few weeks between each wedding shouldn’t be too much of a problem for mutual relatives should it?

Cousin C doesn’t want to wait to get married. Why should they wait?

Cousin B won’t stand in cousin C’s way but seems reluctant to offer the reassurance and validation cousin C wants.

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

The September date was bonkers.
The August date is a bit risky depending on when in Sept B's wedding is. July sounds fine. June/May could be even better.

Things happen in life. You cant reserve a whole year for nothing to happen in an extended family because you are planning a wedding.

So, C was unreasonable suggesting Sept.
B is unreasonable objecting to July.

@Redyoyo Never before have I spent almost 2k just by being a guest at a wedding that wasnt abroad.... what weddings are you going to?!

The weekend before is stupid. July when the other one’s in September is fine.

The weekend before was unreasonable. Cousin C accepted that and moved the date. Cousin B now needs to get over herself, accept that she is not the centre of the universe and cannot dictate when others should get married.

The initial idea was batshit.

Cousin B has no right to take offence at Cousin C getting married before them and is behaving badly in not offering reassurance: this suggests either they don't think it's ok or they do but are enjoying keeping C dangling. Both of these things would be twattery on Cousin B's part.

It's difficult to say for sure whether the weddings are too close in terms of practicalities without knowing a bit more about the situations wrt mutual guests annual leave, costs etc. In my extended family two cousins had weddings less than a month apart but they were both in the same locality and at weekend, so it was less complex. But if there is going to be an issue, bringing the wedding even further forward than July might be the best solution. Cousin B may not like that either.

Well.
I can see cousin B's point of view - certainly over the first date, being a week before her own wedding, how bloody rude!

But even a month or 2 before, there are going to be family members who will choose which wedding to attend and won't be able to attend both.

I have 2 friends who did this, from the same friendship group from university - the second-engaged couple chose to get married a month before the first-engaged couple. Some of the university friends lived abroad and had to choose which wedding to attend, because they could not afford, nor take the time, to come to both so close together.
First-engaged couple were pretty pissed off about it, but there wasn't anything they could do, so just sucked it up. They still had most of their friends there, just missing those few who chose to come to the earlier wedding.

I think Cousin C might lose out over this though, if people have to travel to France in July/August as it's peak season and expensive - so cousin B should probably not worry too much about it.

I think it's a bit U to have cousin C wedding the week before cousin B. However if Cousin C wants to get married asap, what about April or May in France ? Also then it gives people a chance (if needed) to get a bit more money together for a September wedding.
Weddings are expensive to attend and it may be difficult for people to do both.
But I agree cousin B can't reserve the whole of 2020

The weejebdbefirewiykd be a bit much but cousin bid being ridiculous if she thinks no one should get married the entire summer just because she is. That's ridiculous. No one other than the bride and groom and their parents is going to be thinking much about either wedding a week or two before or after it happens anyway.

Now come on OP - are you B or C??

One week before was unreasonable but July would be fine.

Does Cousin B feel like cousin C is stealing her thunder a bit?

"The weejebdbefirewiykd be a bit much"

Gotta love it when autocorrect can't even work out what you mean! (I know what you mean, it's just funny)

It really is all about Cousin C, isn't it? Not only was she making Cousin B's wedding all about her with the first choice of date, but now, having chosen Date 2, expects her ego massaged and glut of reassurances thrown her way that she really isn't making other people's weddings all about her.

They're only cousins. Likelihood is they won't even have a large number of the same guests. In any event, who has the time for these histrionics? Some of the brides on these Mumsnet threads sound too immature to be getting married at all.

Cousin C was silly to suggest a destination wedding the weekend before Cousin B's wedding.

A month before is fine but if I was B I'd be unlikely to attend due to such a cost, so close to my own wedding. Other guests could feel the same way?

Last wedding we went to costs us £100's... We couldn't have afforded to do that twice!

With 24 cousins, even six month gaps means it would take 12 years to get you all married.

A week before was unreasonable. So long as there's a month between dates it's fine, and fine for Cousin C to "skip the queue" when Cousin B had such a long engagement.

Suggesting the weekend before was arsehole-ish in the extreme. Frankly I think it's shitty to get married before cousin B, but if you absolutely must do it before her then go for May/June.

Now come on OP - are you B or C??

C, of course!

Cousin C started this by clearly being unreasonable with the week before - I cannot imagine what possessed them to think it was a good idea. July sounds much better in France (and had they done this initially it would have been fine)

C frankly needs to grow up and stop needing the reassurance from B because actually that is forgetting that they were wrong in the first place.

First of all, cousin C is not getting married "abroad" or "having a destination wedding" - cousin C lives abroad and is having a wedding where she lives. This is not putting people out at all.

When it was the weekend before, that was a bit much, but July/August to September is perfectly fine. France is doable for a weekend relatively cheaply depending on where you are in the UK.

Assuming the UK wedding is close to where family live, then it won't be much expense to attend that wedding, so no, it won't be much to attend both.

Agree with 24 cousins, chances are there will be a period with more than one wedding a year.

Cousin B will look back and cringe a bit at this when other cousins are happily having 3/4 weddings a year to fit them all in and no one minds...

Frankly I think it's shitty to get married before cousin B

What on earth is the rationale for that?

If family are coming over from Australia for Cousin B's wedding, wouldn't it make sense that Cousin C's wedding is very close so they could attend both weddings in the one trip? Just a thought....

Cousin C should get married whenever she wants to, even if it was the same week-end as cousin B as presumably different parents are involved and the grandparents and guests can choose which one to attend.

This whole special day/week/month is completely OTT and it needs reigning in.

OP said that the Australian contingent are from B’s OH’s family and are not mutual relations.

Cousin C is incredibly selfish and attention seeking. She made her mind up that no matter what, she was getting in there before cousin B.

What on earth is the rationale for that?

To get engaged after cousin B and then sneak your wedding in before hers is just a bit mean. However, I did also say in my comment that if that's what they want to do then an earlier month should be chosen to space it out more.

Cousin C should get married whenever she wants to, even if it was the same week-end as cousin B as presumably different parents are involved and the grandparents and guests can choose which one to attend

I can't think of anything worse than having to attend 2 weddings in one weekend, or even the same week. There would still be a lot of the same people on cousin b and cousin c side of the family attending.