Wedding date clash- advice for the brides?

[amoobaa]

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

A group of 24 very close cousins based in the UK, two currently living abroad.

Cousin A announces their engagement in 2018 (followed a few months later by the news that cousin B is also engaged).

Cousin A decides to get married in September 2019.

Cousin B sets the date for their wedding but waits until after cousin A’s wedding has passed before sending out the information.

Cousin A’s wedding takes place- lots of excitement. A few weeks later, info goes out about cousin B’s wedding- more excitement. Date is set for the following year (mid September 2020).

So here we are, in November 2019. Cousin C announces their engagement. There’s lots of excitement.

Cousin C messages cousin B and asks if cousin B is free the weekend before their wedding in September 2020.

Cousin B says that they are booked up in the 2 or 3 weeks leading up to their wedding due to wedding prep and putting up family who are travelling from Australia to be at the wedding. The Australian relatives are from ‘the other side’ of cousin B’s family (they don’t know cousin C and wouldn’t be attending both weddings).

Cousin C is asking about the weekend before cousin B’s wedding, because this is when cousin C would like to get married.

Cousin B expressed surprise and said they would be sad if cousin C decided to have their wedding the weekend before theirs. Cousin B says they were careful when making their own plans, not to tread on cousin A’s toes. They asked why cousin C wants a date so close to theirs.

Cousin C is planning on getting married abroad (France) because this is where they have been living with their partner for the last few years.

Cousin B says they have planned their wedding to be budget friendly and stress free for guests to attend so would be frustrated if cousin C then invited the same 40 relatives to a wedding abroad the weekend before. They say it’s unnecessary to squeeze two big family weddings so close together. Cousin B says it seems unkind to pick the same time to get married.

Cousin C reflects and says they were not thinking properly and apologise. Cousin C says they won’t choose that date.

The next day cousin C suggests setting their wedding date for July or August 2020 instead.

Cousin C isn’t keen but feels there’s little they can do and says they want to focus on their own planning. Cousin B’s partner feels the same way- disappointed but determined not to cause a fuss.

Cousin C is unaware of any reason why choosing to get married in July/ August would be problematic and is not aware of any social norms or etiquette regarding this. They don’t know why they should leave more than a few weeks between the two weddings and can’t see why they should wait for cousin B’s wedding to pass before having their own.

As cousin D points out, the two events are unrelated.

Cousin C is really excited about getting engaged and wants to set their wedding date asap.

Cousin C sends messages to cousin B, explaining they are feeling very upset and would like a bit of reassurance from cousin B that getting married in July/ August 2020 is ok.

Nobody can own or reserve an entire year. A few weeks between each wedding shouldn’t be too much of a problem for mutual relatives should it?

Cousin C doesn’t want to wait to get married. Why should they wait?

Cousin B won’t stand in cousin C’s way but seems reluctant to offer the reassurance and validation cousin C wants.

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

C is very unreasonable to suggest a date a week before B’s wedding. June/July is fine, perhaps even early/mid in August depending when in September B is getting married.

Also C’s wedding being in France, it’s hardly going to be cheap is it? That would annoy me too if you’ve budgeted over the year, for your wedding costs and honeymoon.

@practicalnagico

Of course b isn't unreasonable you really think that just because you're getting married on September no one else in your extended family should marry that entire summer? With 24 cousins that would mean some might be 50 before they get a chance to marry!

op you sound lovely.and your reply should be hailed as how we should all aim to respond on AIBU haha!
no but seriously.i think there is lots of emotion still in you even discussing and thinking on how to plan your own with your dad missing this.you can tell how much your missing him being part of this and im so sorry for that.but he still therein every part of you and this planning hes helpoing you with all the decisions and choices of dress,food,music because who you are is who he was and bought you up to be.so he is forever in you.hold tha ttight
talk to your cousin.it will all be ok if you just both talk and ee thing from eacother point of view without ever becoming wrapped up in emotion or me me me syndrom which wedding bring out in all of us!
keep telling her you love her.and you want to make sure your both ok

July or early August is fine (at least a month apart, ideally 6 weeks) but as B I would get your invites out if you haven't already so people can reserve accommodation

July is fine. August is a little too close and the weekend before was just a piss take

Just to add... my original response (explaining that I’m cousin B) is on page 5 and should hopefully clear a few things up :)

I’m going to speak to my cousin tonight. I’m debating whether to send her the link to this thread! I think she’d find it as helpful as I have. But even if it’s better to keep to myself, I’ll make sure to reiterate the points you have collectively made, as I know it’ll help us all see sense.

The ultimate goal is to reach a conclusion that has everyone (including myself and my cousin) shouting from the rooftops, “I can’t wait to celebrate with B and C on the dates of their choosing!” (Because they’re well adjusted, kind people, who listen to each other and realise they aren’t the centre of the universe... and because it will be as fun, meaningful and logistically feasible)

I’ve always believed in the power of group thinking. And Mumsnet always says it how it is- a rare and valuable thing. Thank you all.

There’s lots of advice I’m going to act on.

Thanks for saying the things you believe, even if they’re sometimes hard to hear and thanks for empathising with my heartfelt human emotions.

People have often told me that my Dad had excellent diplomacy skills, to the extent that he was able to tell someone (who was being unfair or unreasonable) to go to hell in a handcart, but in such a way that they looked forward to the ride. It’s beautiful timing, for me (and my family), that the collective voice of Mumsnet have been able to deliver all the things we need to hear, with a voice of reason (and humour) so very similar my father’s, a voice we so desperately miss.

Thanks everyone Xxx

Glad to hear your invites have already gone OP.

If people can't afford both then I'd hope they'd attend yours, since it was booked and arranged first.

It really is quite thoughtless of her to nip in 2 months earlier. I'd be annoyed if anyone cancels coming to yours to go to hers. She's also putting the wider family in a difficult position of having to afford 2 big weddings in 2 months.

OP you sound like you'll end up being much like your dad. No hope you have a wonderful wedding.

OP, I hope you have a beautiful wedding.

That said, you can’t control others, and while you chose to keep your engagement quiet until after your cousins wedding, that was your choice, and you can’t begrudge C for not doing the same.

It a good thing she didn’t also have her heart set on a September wedding

Cousin C could have a valid reason for wanting to get married fairly soon. Wanting to start a family once they are married and feeling time isn't on their side (they might know it's not necessarily going to be straight forward for them e.g. PCOS or just be aware that some people struggle). There might be a close friend/family member of the groom's or on the other side of the bride's family that is in poor health or planning to emigrate and they want to marry while that person can still attend. They might be trying to squeeze in-between dozens of cousins and friends and have spotted a gap when there is no-one on the groom's family, no close friends and no one on the other side of the bride's family and that actually be the least congested time. I have about 35 cousins in totally and between them and friends we did have years and years of between four and ten weddings a year.

I think you sound lovely OP and you've really taken the advice on board. I do agree with others that you can't expect more than a few weeks at most to be no goes in terms of your cousin's wedding dates. Given many people want a summer wedding it would be impossible to delay their entire wedding for a year just because their cousin is getting married. Bearing in mind the grooms side of the family will have events they need to plan around too it would be impossible for anyone to get married if there was only one wedding per summer in a family.

In all honesty even in a close family a few weeks after a big event like a wedding it won't be much on their minds and they'll enjoy your big day just as much.

Oh amooba - you're brought tears to my eyes with your responses. I'm so sad that your dad and your fiancé's mum won't be there to celebrate your wedding but I'm glad that you feel your thread has brought a bit of your dad's attitude to the situation back to you.

I do think C (and possibly your mum and brother, reading between the lines) should just let it all go and get on with organising it all now - no one needs to be validating anyone else's choices with not-necessarily-entirely-honest platitudes.

I hope you do both have lovely weddings and they will perforce be very different, so no "competition" required!

NB - do NOT send this thread to your cousin! It almost never ends well.

Why do people set a date years in advance? We decided to get married in the July and three months later we had done it. Still married 15 years later

How about a double wedding

Cousin C is being a bitch. Why on earth do they need to get married the weekend before ? Answer is that they don’t. Weirdest idea ever.

If C had got married the weekend before you would she have then been on her honeymoon and missed your wedding completely?

Cousin c is not being unreasonable. Perfectly acceptable to get married a few weeks before and just because B announced their engagement first doesn’t mean nobody else can marry until they have. Maybe B shoukd have got their finger out their arse and not had such a long engagement.

There are 3 families of cousins in my family who are very close. I'm not close to cousins on the other side of the family. The cousins who are close all invite all to weddings. In the early days, for the first few weddings everyone attended. As more of us got married, and had our own families it naturally came to be that people couldn't attend all weddings for various reasons.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. You don't HAVE to go to your cousin's wedding abroad. Especially if you can't afford it due to your own wedding expenses. Other people will decline one or other invitation for various reasons.

(why are you paying Cousin C's accommodation the night of your wedding?)

The cousin who gets married abroad can't realistically expect all 24 cousins to definitely attend. It is unlikely that everyone will afford it, be able to take leave etc. For your own wedding people might not be able to attend for whatever reason.

I hope you can work it out, but I certainly would not be stretching myself financially to attend a wedding abroad. If I could easily afford it and annual leave wasn't as issue I'd go. If I was using my annual leave entitlement for my own wedding I wouldn't eat into it for someone else's wedding abroad.

I love my family. I am close to my cousins. But, if any event they were having was going to put me under pressure financially, practically, etc I would decline the invitation.

It's just an invitation, a suggestion you attend. It's not compulsory. And over time as families expand people will have to decline invitations to events.

This happened me! My cousin booked hers the week before, although she had received my save the date. She did it knowingly.
All in all, her siblings cancelled their hotel bookings for my wedding and didn’t attend, as 2 in a row was too much.
Our aunts, uncles and grandparents had to attend both, which they were not happy about. Ultimately our weddings were compared and one was not as favoured over the other (based on entertainment, location, food quality) and was a topic of conversation for a bit afterwards.
It’s not a very nice thing to have done, her parents were mortified.

I selected YABU after reading op and feeling a but confused at all the fuss and thinking that having changed the September date was good then crack on.
Obvs the September date was a but off but other than that what a big drama I couldn't be arsed, sorry. That said mind my wedding was a very small affair and I wouldn't have cared if it was hubby and I and two strangers bas witnesses, I've never been a big fan of huge weddings.

I wouldn’t show her this thread or even mention that you posted about it. You’ll sort it out.
I’m not sure about approval though, yes, you can’t own a whole year and so on but... you don’t know at this stage, quite a few people could choose to attend only one wedding. So you could be a little bit reserved with your optimism.
From the other side she might have valid reasons for doing things certain way so I would look at wider picture. She might need to get married by October because of something. There is her partner’s family to consider. She might suffer from hayfever in June - July and so on. My close relative was getting married abroad a few years ago. He wanted me to be at the wedding so he had only 6 weeks of school holidays in UK because it’s the only time when I could attend. We’re very small family.

DO NOT show her this thread. It would be mortifying for her to discover that she'd been talked about behind her back.
Despite the fact that your OP and responses have been incredibly even handed and kind, reading a discsussion about oneself that one was entirely oblivious of (and where one's been roundly criticised by strangers) would be awful to read, and all your careful handling would be for naught. I would be absolutely horrified and angry with you, if I was C.

I also agree you shouldn’t share the thread. She will be very hurt even though you’ve not said anything nasty.

Haven't RTFT, but if B has their wedding in July, it could make for a better atmosphere during the Sept wedding. Everyone would have caught up during C's wedding, all the stilted conversations like "Since I've last seen you I graduated, moved, got six dogs etc" would have taken place. Then by your B's wedding everyone knows the dogs names, can jump into familiar conversations, you'll know the good music that will get everyone dancing, etc