Wedding date clash- advice for the brides?

[amoobaa]

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

A group of 24 very close cousins based in the UK, two currently living abroad.

Cousin A announces their engagement in 2018 (followed a few months later by the news that cousin B is also engaged).

Cousin A decides to get married in September 2019.

Cousin B sets the date for their wedding but waits until after cousin A’s wedding has passed before sending out the information.

Cousin A’s wedding takes place- lots of excitement. A few weeks later, info goes out about cousin B’s wedding- more excitement. Date is set for the following year (mid September 2020).

So here we are, in November 2019. Cousin C announces their engagement. There’s lots of excitement.

Cousin C messages cousin B and asks if cousin B is free the weekend before their wedding in September 2020.

Cousin B says that they are booked up in the 2 or 3 weeks leading up to their wedding due to wedding prep and putting up family who are travelling from Australia to be at the wedding. The Australian relatives are from ‘the other side’ of cousin B’s family (they don’t know cousin C and wouldn’t be attending both weddings).

Cousin C is asking about the weekend before cousin B’s wedding, because this is when cousin C would like to get married.

Cousin B expressed surprise and said they would be sad if cousin C decided to have their wedding the weekend before theirs. Cousin B says they were careful when making their own plans, not to tread on cousin A’s toes. They asked why cousin C wants a date so close to theirs.

Cousin C is planning on getting married abroad (France) because this is where they have been living with their partner for the last few years.

Cousin B says they have planned their wedding to be budget friendly and stress free for guests to attend so would be frustrated if cousin C then invited the same 40 relatives to a wedding abroad the weekend before. They say it’s unnecessary to squeeze two big family weddings so close together. Cousin B says it seems unkind to pick the same time to get married.

Cousin C reflects and says they were not thinking properly and apologise. Cousin C says they won’t choose that date.

The next day cousin C suggests setting their wedding date for July or August 2020 instead.

Cousin C isn’t keen but feels there’s little they can do and says they want to focus on their own planning. Cousin B’s partner feels the same way- disappointed but determined not to cause a fuss.

Cousin C is unaware of any reason why choosing to get married in July/ August would be problematic and is not aware of any social norms or etiquette regarding this. They don’t know why they should leave more than a few weeks between the two weddings and can’t see why they should wait for cousin B’s wedding to pass before having their own.

As cousin D points out, the two events are unrelated.

Cousin C is really excited about getting engaged and wants to set their wedding date asap.

Cousin C sends messages to cousin B, explaining they are feeling very upset and would like a bit of reassurance from cousin B that getting married in July/ August 2020 is ok.

Nobody can own or reserve an entire year. A few weeks between each wedding shouldn’t be too much of a problem for mutual relatives should it?

Cousin C doesn’t want to wait to get married. Why should they wait?

Cousin B won’t stand in cousin C’s way but seems reluctant to offer the reassurance and validation cousin C wants.

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

Well you're obviously cousin C, although you might now pretend to be cousin D.

YABU to think it was ok to have your wedding the week before regardless of Australian relatives.

YANBU to have your wedding in July

It was unreasonable when it was the week before but july/August is fine.

Our friends booked their wedding in September one year after a 2yr engagement. We got engaged and didn't want a long engagement so booked July. Didn't consider it a problem at all until someone asked me if I'd asked the other bride if this was okay that we get married first as this person had heard the bride was upset. My was response was that if they didn't want anyone to get married before them they should have booked may/June as a september wedding doesn't leave much time after in the way of warmth.

Our wedding was totally different to theirs anyway

would like a bit of reassurance from cousin B that getting married in July/ August 2020 is ok.
Don't get too hung up on Cousin B. What about family with school-age DC - is the marriage before the end of term? What about family who have already booked their 2020 summer holidays? What about family who might like to extend the stay in France to be their main holiday for 2020?

Whatever you do, crack on with it so people can make plans!

Cousin C wanting their wedding only one week before Cousin B's was totally unreasonable. There is also nothing to say there should be a certain amount of time between weddings but, if I were C, I would plan it with a difference of several months between them. I would plan it for after Cousin B's but you obviously want it before so I'd suggest May 2020 as an acceptable distance in time between the two weddings.

I can understand why B is not enthralled by Cousin C's behaviour.

I don't think it's unreasonable no. But then we got married in the autumn of the same year dbil got married (his was first in the spring) and apparently some members of dh's family thought we were unreasonable to have our wedding the same year and should have waited until the following year, so some people definitely have particular ideas about these things. Both of our weddings were local affairs too so no huge expense to guests!

Cousin C sounds like an arse. Who suggests a wedding the weekend before an existing big family wedding? Selfish.

^Completelt agree with this.

July is okay. August not so much. The guests are still in a difficult position if there are two destinations weddings within a month.

If I was C, I'd choose early July. Give a couple of months at least for the guests' sake as well as B's.

Actually, If I was C I'd make it earlier than that. I agree with the pp who suggested may. Or even after B's. It's just the kinder thing to do.

Cousin C was a bit of an arse suggesting week before Cousin B's wedding. They can have their wedding when they want, but if Cousins A to X are all 'close' as specified, then, well, arse.

Cousin B has already set the date - presumably Cousins A to X know about this date? And relatives AA to XX and beyond? So maybe cousin B needs to get the official invitations out if they haven't already.

Cousin C should set a date in the Summer if they want to, but presumably if all relatives are in UK, should be prepared for not that many guests - its the school holidays. Flights and accommodation will be expensive. If I were cousin C, I'd bring it forward to June/early July to miss the peak dates and give folk (more of an) opportunity to attend.

A group of 24 very close cousins based in the UK, two currently living abroad.

I am reading this that there are 26 very close cousins but even if 24, surely that means that most weekends of the year are taking up by you celebrating something - birthdays, weddings, babies being born, anniversaries, children’s birthdays, potentially christenings or naming celebrations etc. Then there must be parents’ celebrations, friends and other important events happening on a frequently occurrence for at least one of the cousins. As a result, there are probably very few suitable weekends to have a wedding that will be convenient for all.

I think the weekend before another wedding is unreasonable if possibly avoidable but otherwise you must all be celebrating something every weekend anyway so I think a wedding the month or two before another one is fine.

You get a few years as a young adult when you can easily do 6-7 weddings a year if you have the money. Is cousin B expecting her friends to put their life on hold too? For me a months gap is fine. The reality is suitable wedding venues can be quite hard to find for a date that fits in family closer than cousins for the bride and groom.

“24 close cousins” are you Irish by any chance..?

I think July would be fine. Bit annoying, but not the end of the world.

I think a lot of it depends on relationships. My BIL got married four weeks after us (we set the date first). Of course I was totally fine about this - no-one owns a year - but then he wanted DH to be best man, with the stag two days after we came back from the (already booked) honeymoon.

DH said no - he was living away at the time and genuinely thought it wouldn't be possible given that we'd effectively be planning our own wedding at the same time - which then led to SIL to be throwing the most almighty strop.

So there might be more to this than meets the eye...

All I can think of is
"24 bottles of beer on the wall
...24 bottles of beer...
....take one down...
...pass it around...
...23 bottles of beer on the wall"

I think Cousin C needs to be prepared that some family may not be able to attend their wedding if they have already booked in for Bs.
It could be money related or unable to book that much holiday etc but it would be safer to wait and book it in for the year after if everyone coming is important to cousin C.

But otherwise there is nothing rude about July or August weddings. They don’t have to wait until everyone else is married if they were engaged before them.

Weddings are an expensive thing for families. Hen/stag nights, outfits for everyone, a gift, money for hair, drinks, taxis, accommodation, babysitters etc on the day of wedding the best part of £2k then if its a destination wedding add another £2/3k on to that. I think it comes down to how well off are your cousins and families. If £7k is a drop in the pond to you all then July would be fine. For my family they would need to save for that so i would plan for the following year.
When dh and i got engaged 2 of our closest friends were already engaged as was my cousin and we planned our weddings all a year apart to allow everyone time to save etc. If they can't discuss this and work it out between them, they are obviously not that close.

I think you're cousin C. Have you given any thought about how expensive 2 weddings so close together will be for the guests? Two lots of outfits for the women and children, wedding presents and travel costs to France plus a couple of nights accommodation. There's no reason why you shouldn't choose the best date for you but it does feel as though you're desperate to beat Cousin B down the aisle for some reason.

As for your need to have Cousin B's blessing for your wedding date, is that because the elders of the family are frowning at your choice of wedding date? Personally I'd respond as Cousin B has - acknowledge your right to choose any date but I'd be buggered if I'd pretend l was happy.

Cousin C sounds like an arse. Who suggests a wedding the weekend before an existing big family wedding? Selfish.

This

What does the cat in the hat make of it all?

July/august fine.... week before no.

As long as B and C get their save the dates and explain the general plan then relatives can save/plan as needed.

We got married 3 months after in laws (our was booked before them) however mutual family were told where both would be.... most of the family having to travel and stay overnight and all of them did it because they were given at least 12 months notice.

Sound like Cousin C is just excited to be engaged - Probably wanted a September wedding without having to wait a whole year...but upon reflection realized this was unfair to cousin B and moved her date to a different month.
Both July and August are perfectly acceptable and Cousin B sounds like she may still have a chip on her shoulder about the initial request, or by the fact she was engaged first but married second (which is V unreasonable) - Like a previous person said, just because some people want a 2 year engagement doesn't mean everybody has to!

I think B IBU.

Chances are all relatives won't go to both weddings as it will be too much expense. If B & C can accept this then let them get married when they want.

With 24 cousins, some could be waiting a very long time to get married if gaps are insisted on.
The weekend before - BU
1/2 months before - NBU. B can't expect C to wait until 2021 or have a winter wedding if they don't want to.

It's a shame they can't enjoy planning together.

And the moral of the story is - don't have long engagements!

If cousin C wants to get married in July/August 2020 but the people who'd be attending feel it's too close to cousin B's wedding, why not get married quietly whenever you like, and have a party/celebration at a later date that's more convenient for everyone else.