Wedding date clash- advice for the brides?

[amoobaa]

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

A group of 24 very close cousins based in the UK, two currently living abroad.

Cousin A announces their engagement in 2018 (followed a few months later by the news that cousin B is also engaged).

Cousin A decides to get married in September 2019.

Cousin B sets the date for their wedding but waits until after cousin A’s wedding has passed before sending out the information.

Cousin A’s wedding takes place- lots of excitement. A few weeks later, info goes out about cousin B’s wedding- more excitement. Date is set for the following year (mid September 2020).

So here we are, in November 2019. Cousin C announces their engagement. There’s lots of excitement.

Cousin C messages cousin B and asks if cousin B is free the weekend before their wedding in September 2020.

Cousin B says that they are booked up in the 2 or 3 weeks leading up to their wedding due to wedding prep and putting up family who are travelling from Australia to be at the wedding. The Australian relatives are from ‘the other side’ of cousin B’s family (they don’t know cousin C and wouldn’t be attending both weddings).

Cousin C is asking about the weekend before cousin B’s wedding, because this is when cousin C would like to get married.

Cousin B expressed surprise and said they would be sad if cousin C decided to have their wedding the weekend before theirs. Cousin B says they were careful when making their own plans, not to tread on cousin A’s toes. They asked why cousin C wants a date so close to theirs.

Cousin C is planning on getting married abroad (France) because this is where they have been living with their partner for the last few years.

Cousin B says they have planned their wedding to be budget friendly and stress free for guests to attend so would be frustrated if cousin C then invited the same 40 relatives to a wedding abroad the weekend before. They say it’s unnecessary to squeeze two big family weddings so close together. Cousin B says it seems unkind to pick the same time to get married.

Cousin C reflects and says they were not thinking properly and apologise. Cousin C says they won’t choose that date.

The next day cousin C suggests setting their wedding date for July or August 2020 instead.

Cousin C isn’t keen but feels there’s little they can do and says they want to focus on their own planning. Cousin B’s partner feels the same way- disappointed but determined not to cause a fuss.

Cousin C is unaware of any reason why choosing to get married in July/ August would be problematic and is not aware of any social norms or etiquette regarding this. They don’t know why they should leave more than a few weeks between the two weddings and can’t see why they should wait for cousin B’s wedding to pass before having their own.

As cousin D points out, the two events are unrelated.

Cousin C is really excited about getting engaged and wants to set their wedding date asap.

Cousin C sends messages to cousin B, explaining they are feeling very upset and would like a bit of reassurance from cousin B that getting married in July/ August 2020 is ok.

Nobody can own or reserve an entire year. A few weeks between each wedding shouldn’t be too much of a problem for mutual relatives should it?

Cousin C doesn’t want to wait to get married. Why should they wait?

Cousin B won’t stand in cousin C’s way but seems reluctant to offer the reassurance and validation cousin C wants.

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

The longest engaged couple I currently know of is 8 years but the longest I've ever known was 12 years. So are we really suggesting its unreasonable for any close friends or family to get married in a 12 year period because it would be thunder stealing?If a couple choose a long engagement they must accept that other couples may get married before them.

Huge extended family = can’t please everyone and not everyone will be able to attend.

How is it mean? This is a two year engagement cousin B is having, possibly a bit more. That's actually quite a long time. The idea that you can reserve a lengthy bloc of time during which your other cousins are doing something wrong if they want to get married is pretty shitty in itself. The selfishness! I also said that an earlier than July wedding could be even better but that doesn't mean the comment that it's wrong to marry before B isn't ridiculous.

If family are coming over from Australia for Cousin B's wedding, wouldn't it make sense that Cousin C's wedding is very close so they could attend both weddings in the one trip

The OP says that Cousin B and Cousin C are from different family branches and don't know each other, so wouldn't be going to both weddings.

If Cousin C is looking at a wedding next summer in France, she's going to have to be careful with dates anyway, as lots of places/flights will be all booked, and August especially is the main holiday season so it will be expensive and crowded.

She might find that fewer people than she thought want their summer 2020 holiday to be in France and more than they usually spend.

Cousin C can get married when they like, just as long as they aren't a dick and choose the immediate weeks close to cousin B. Their original plan was selfish and short sighted as it was so obviously going to cause issues and I think it reflects badly on them to be honest.

Getting married in the summer is absolutely fine. It's not a case of waiting your turn.
My concern given C's conduct and lack of regards for family time and money so far would be that they're likely to make the next year all about them, lots of drama, lots of fuss between them and B about how they "totally don't want people to have to choose between the hen parties..." But at the same time making it very much about them. I could be being unfair, but it wouldn't be surprising for someone who would honestly try to book a wedding 7 days before another family event.

If C wants to get married asap why not do it beginning of July (if not spring) 2020? If B is getting married beginning of September then end of August is still quite close!

They can have the wedding when they want. Of course. But it's quite a lot if guests have to travel far or pay a lot for hotels close together

I think all cousins are behaving like children. They are just weddings, it’s really not important when, who goes, who doesn’t.
Book it for when suits you and the groom end of. What a load of drama.

B having to wait until A’s wedding had come and gone to send invites is madness.

B gets a wedding (weekend?) which is all about them. They definitely don’t get to monopolise the whole summer. And just because you get engaged first doesn’t mean everyone who subsequently gets engaged has to wait for you to get married first before having their own wedding. That’s not how it works.

Weekend before was unreasonable. However. July is fine. It might make coursing B annoyed if she wanted to be “the next one” but I don’t think that’s fair.

I think couple C can get married whenever they want but I wonder why they didn't choose the weekend after couple B's wedding? Maybe they should ask yourself themselves.

Everyone is unreasonable!!! Cousin C seems incredibly thoughtless to not understand why Cousin B would be upset about them getting married ONE WEEK before! I mean seriously? That’s just ridiculous - it would surely interfere with Cousin Bs wedding that close. I don’t think the cousins are as close as stated, or Cousin B would be more thoughtful. Of course, TECHNICALLY, Cousin B isn’t being unreasonable by getting married in July or August (like you said, she doesn’t own the year) BUT if the family really is as close as you’ve said in your OP then really I think Cousin B is kind of taking the piss. People are really arrogant and self centered about their weddings and so having a really close relative getting married a mere few weeks before you is obviously disappointing to some people - especially as a Cousin B waited a full year to get married after Cousin A did, which implies that it’s a big deal to Cousin B to have some distance between weddings to give each couple the full attention. I do think Cousin B is unreasonable for being so precious about weddings but loads of people are like this. Cousin C is unreasonable too, for not caring about her cousins feelings (like I said, if they really are close then she should care) and Cousin C is being a bit of a brat by insisting on getting married a few weeks before Cousin B ... it sounds like she just wants to be first and it does seem like she’s ruining Cousin Bs moment and wanting to steal some of her attention. Cousin C is also being unreasonable by begging Cousin B to tell her she’s okay with the chosen wedding date when she’s clearly not - if you’re going to do something sort of selfish and shady then don’t harass the person you’re upsetting to tell you it’s okay. Gosh. What a load of drama and annoyance. Glad I’ve got a small family!

From my reading of the OP, France might not be a "destination wedding" for cousin C and her partner, but it would be for the rest of the family who don't live in France.

I think C is unreasonable. I am actually due to be a bridesmaid at a similar wedding. Cousin A engaged and booked for June 2020 abroad. Cousin B gets engaged 3 months later and books wedding for end May 2020 in France. Nicer venue/ most family can’t afford to do both. I am a bridesmaid to B but feel v sorry for A.

Any of the concerned could have been hit by a bus yesterday and then we would see this "waiting for other people out of politeness" madness leads. Cousin C is not being unreasonable (but would have been to get married the weekend before, which they have acknowledged).

The issue is them choosing the week before initially. If they hadn't done that, then I don't think either B would have an issue with then going for July/August.
Doing that made them look both attention seeking and wanting to make sure they got in first.

I suspect C has changed their mind because other family members have made it clear they think C is being mean, which is why C "needs" B to say they approve of the new date. If C wants to really make people not think that, I suggest she goes for October/November afterwards. That way any thought that she's trying to spoil Bs wedding will be put away.

I imagine that B is mindful that if C is capable of such twattery as the original suggestion of the weekend before B’s wedding, then this is unlikely to be the only instance of thoughtlessness before the wedding(s).

If I had to choose I'd probably do the UK one.

If I could do both I'd probably still just do the UK one!

Are all these cousins similar ages? Expecting them to wait in line in order to get married is ridiculous, Cousin X will be in their 50s before it got to their turn if one wedding has to be announced and then happen before the next person is allowed to send their invites out, especially when announcing/planning a year or two in advance.

Cousin C is damned either way. Cousin B's September 2020 wedding has basically made it that if they want a family wedding in the summer, they can't have it until 2021, because if they have it before, they risk 'pushing in' before Cousin B or causing upset amongst the people who can't go to both weddings due to time/cost constraints.

But why should they wait that long because Cousin B effectively wrote off all of 2020 for them, by getting in first.

Perhaps Cousin C should pop down the nearest French Office d'registre for the next available appointment, get married, and then invite people over for a summer party celebration mini break in the summer of 2021?

Cousin c started the bad feelings by suggesting a completely inappropriate date. It’s no surprise cousin b doesn’t want to get involved in endorsing another date close to an already planned wedding after that.

From a practical perspective, a month or two apart is sufficient, but the shared guests between the two weddings should be made very aware of the plans for both before deciding which to attend, because with trace involved, people likely will have to make a choice to only attend one.

Assuming you are cousin C:

1. What were you thinking?!!!!
2. July / Aug no probs.

However big a deal it is for Cousin B to have some distance between weddings, they simply cannot expect this to be reciprocated in a family so large that there are 24 cousins on one side. It isn't practical or reasonable.

If there are practical objections that may or may not be legit depending on circumstances, but just objecting on principle? Nope.

B is getting married in France. C is getting married in Australia. There are 24 cousins, of which 22 live in the UK. One wedding occurred this year and 2 are planned for next year. Anything not in the UK will require travelling to a different destination. There could be another 21 weddings to attend. (Have I read the OP incorrectly?)

Honestly, I cannot see all the relatives attending every single wedding regardless of the dates or locations. Twenty-four cousins. Is the last wedding supposed to occur when the least favourite cousin hits 80-years-old?

Cousin B should have set their wedding date earlier, I'm thinking Spring 2020. Then Cousin Cs wedding in September would have been fine.

Cousin C was very unreasonable to suggest the weekend before Cousin Bs wedding. July/August is a bit annoying for Cousin B, but as I said, she should have had her wedding earlier IMO.

Oops. I meant B is Australia and C is France.

(Have I read the OP incorrectly?)

Yes.

C's fiancé's family are travelling from Australia to attend the wedding.

B plans to marry in France, where they live with their partner.