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AIBU?

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Original poster

A mil thread

264 replies

losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:16

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

OP posts:
Wakingupnow · 20/11/2019 01:00

OP I know you don't want to leave and like your home but please go see a solicitor. it doesn't commit you to anything but you will be in a better position to decide once you know your rights

WhinyWa · 20/11/2019 01:24

Você ficou aqui por 6 semanas.
Estamos felizes por você ter vindo, mas por favor, vá embora.

Estou reservando um voo para você. Você vai conseguir.

Meu marido é um tolo.

KioreWahine · 20/11/2019 03:26

If you can OP, I think it would be good for you to take a long weekend away somewhere with your kids. Leave DH and MIL to it so he can see what it is like looking after her all weekend. And what it would be like if you left.

Personally, I would avoid some of the more extreme approaches suggested here - as these don't leave an easy path back to a happy family when she has gone. But I would see a solicitor.

Pixxie7 · 20/11/2019 04:18

This may be a culture thing, family in many European countries is sacred. If she wants to live here would it be possible for her to rent somewhere close by?

Horehound · 20/11/2019 04:33

I'd do as a po said and go away with the kids leaving him to care for his mum on his own. He had planned this and is using you to achieve it!!
However, I'd go for 2 weeks bit a weekend and I'd have zero contact with him to really give him the shits about what you then may or may not do.

Personally though I would be ltb and when you do the divorce he'd be made to sell the house so you'd get your half...
A house is just a house, there will always be another.

justilou1 · 20/11/2019 04:36

A weekend is nothing. Not nearly enough. Go somewhere glam. Don’t tell him. Leave him and her in charge of kids too.

QuiteForgetful · 20/11/2019 04:59

Could tell your dh that since his mother is not leaving, you would like to have a granny flat added, so you can have your privacy back. If you could live with that situation. If not possible, maybe she can sell her place and get a place nearby you instead?
Just an idea that may work for you all. Good luck.

FredaFrogspawn · 20/11/2019 05:17

Your battle is with your dh. This 80 yr old with little English has said it is up to him. He’s the one I’d be freezing out. He should be sleeping on the sofa and being warned that solicitors will be involved in a ding dong of a divorce if he doesn’t get this sorted.

AfterSchoolWorry · 20/11/2019 08:27

Get your husband's credit card and book get a flight home.

Throwawayteacher · 20/11/2019 08:37

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am racking my brains but honestly no idea how you can fix this unless your husband gets on board. It is so unfair on your children and weird!

The fact your husband basically doesn't care how you or your children feel as long as he has his mum in the house says a lot about him.

coconutpie · 20/11/2019 09:04

You need to take back control of this situation. I think this was planned all along and they just expect you to fall in line and say or do nothing. Today, pack up all her stuff and inform her and your H that your DD needs her room back now. It has been 6 weeks, it was meant to be 2 weeks and your DD shouldn't have to be inconvenienced any longer for a guest that has well outstayed their welcome. Pack up her shit, move your DD back in and tell H yes it is his house but it is your house too as well as your DD's house and you're not putting up with this shit any longer. He can either send her back or else he can find alternative accommodation, preferably for both him and his mother. I would also be seriously considering divorce. Don't leave the house either - you're entitled to stay there, it's co-owned by you and since you're primary caregiver you'd be entitled to stay there anyway with the DC. He can move out and his mummy can stay as long as she wants then with him.

But seriously, pack up her shit today and say DD is getting her room back today and that's final.

CoraPirbright · 20/11/2019 09:15

You seem so very defeatist that I suspect that this is the latest in a long line of abuses perpetrated by your husband which have, over time, ground your confidence and spirit down. This seems so extreme - how he is simply refusing to engage with you and calling you a bitch - that I cannot see how it has come out of the blue. Try to have a clear think about it OP - is he always laying down the law and putting you down? Do you really want to continue in a marriage like this?

I am going to put a bomb under you now. Your MIL is a healthy 80 year old who is capable of looking after herself (although she is not useful around the house and hogs the tv). Spool forward 15 years. She might be a sprightly 95 year old....however it’s entirely possible that she will need bathing and lifting on and off the loo. And who is going to be doing that? Not your dh that’s for sure........

Lizzie0869 · 20/11/2019 09:18

A weekend is nothing. Not nearly enough. Go somewhere glam. Don’t tell him. Leave him and her in charge of kids too.

The problem here is that the kids hate things the way they are. The OP's biggest upset is that one of her DDs has been turfed out of her room. She probably wouldn't enjoy time away on her own as she'll be worrying about them.

Lizzie0869 · 20/11/2019 09:21

I am going to put a bomb under you now. Your MIL is a healthy 80 year old who is capable of looking after herself (although she is not useful around the house and hogs the tv). Spool forward 15 years. She might be a sprightly 95 year old....however it’s entirely possible that she will need bathing and lifting on and off the loo. And who is going to be doing that? Not your dh that’s for sure........

This is definitely a possibility. It looks as if your MIL is there to stay.

crispysausagerolls · 20/11/2019 09:25

You have been stitched up like a kipper

Tolleshunt · 20/11/2019 09:31

I am going to put a bomb under you now. Your MIL is a healthy 80 year old who is capable of looking after herself (although she is not useful around the house and hogs the tv). Spool forward 15 years. She might be a sprightly 95 year old....however it’s entirely possible that she will need bathing and lifting on and off the loo. And who is going to be doing that? Not your dh that’s for sure........

This is definitely a possibility. It looks as if your MIL is there to stay.

And by then the kids will no longer be children and OP will not be able to claim the extra rights to the house that their housing needs would provide.

OP, I agree with Cora that you seem really defeatist, and that this may be because of how your husband has treated you over the years. He certainly is making it plain right now that your thoughts, feelings, desires and needs mean nothing to him. You seem thoroughly disempowered, where others would be like a raging banshee by now.

How can you take power back here?

Have you thought about some of the suggestions? Have you gone nuclear on him? Told him that he has 24 hours to explain to her that she needs to leave, and get arrangements in place for her to do so, or you will do so, and it would be kinder to her for it to come from her DS?

Why are you so worried about rocking the boat with him, when he is so supremely unconcerned about rocking the boat with you?

I think it would be a good idea to think this all through carefully.

Tolleshunt · 20/11/2019 09:34

And I think it would be helpful to rid yourself of any ideas that DH might be reasonable, or that you need to avoid confrontation.

You won’t solve this without doing things you are uncomfortable with. Step out of your comfort zone, and stand up for yourself.

Motoko · 20/11/2019 09:50

GO AND SPEAK TO A SOLICITOR!

MotherofTerriers · 20/11/2019 09:53

Move your daughter back into her room, she has given it up for long enough
Invite your kids friends round lots, noisy messy play, their choice on the TV.
Ignore your OH, do nothing for him
If he won't have a reasonable discussion with you without insulting you, write it down, that he has no right to move his mother in for an indefinite stay without your agreement, that as well as being a son he is also a husband and a father and is being piss poor at both these roles at the moment
And go and see a solicitor, just to check where you stand

EdinaMonsoon · 20/11/2019 10:27

OP You have my utmost empathy. Your situation is completely unacceptable. When my FIL was a similar age, it was suggested by other family members that he come to stay with us. This was all discussed behind my back and even in hushed tones right in front of me in their native language (DH is from overseas) as though it were the natural logical step. Whilst I felt awful, because I genuinely loved my FIL as a father, I had to stand my ground and refuse. The thought of having to share my home with another person for possibly 20 years was too much and inevitably the expectation of care will fall to the woman in the home, even where it isn't her birth parent. I felt that it would cease to be our home and that I would become resentful and having to pander to an older person's demands/expectations (noise, tv etc) was something that I didn't want to inflict on DCs either.

In your situation, I would do as others have suggested and take control by telling your DH that he has until this weekend to make alternative arrangements. If he does nothing (which I suspect will be the case) you move DD back into her room on Monday. Pack up MIL's things and leave them somewhere inconvenient and in the way. Do this whilst DH is at work so that you can do it calmly and without any interference. This is your home too.

She will have to stay in a hotel or B&B until DH organises her return home. You aren't turfing her out, you are simply reclaiming your home. If she is to stay any longer, she needs to fit in to the family dynamic, not have the family change their lives/living arrangements solely around her needs. My concern with her sleeping on your sofa is that she may well take over your sitting room to the extent that it becomes "her room" and that you won't be able to access it.

Call your SIL and explain that you have given your DH until the weekend to sort out alternatives. Tell her that, understandably, this situation is not working for your family and that she and DH should discuss their next step. Tell her that you have extended a welcome to MIL for way longer than was originally planned and that it isn't unreasonable that you now wish to return to your normal routine, without MIL in it. Then, call her again to tell her when you have moved DD back into her room.

If DH protests, you stay calm & quietly tell him that you have had enough & your mind is made up. Tell him that he has unilaterally decided that MIL is staying so therefore you are equally entitled to dictate the terms of that stay. If he isn't happy then he must make alternative arrangements for her BUT those arrangements are his responsibility to make and should not inconvenience you further (eg if he suggests that MIL then takes your bed...absolutely NOT!!)

Being stressed by the constant presence of your MIL doesn't make you a bitch. You have no end in sight, with a DH unwilling to discuss. His behaviour is misogynistic "man of the house, my rules only" bullshit. My DH used to have a tendency towards this (thankfully no longer). The only thing that worked was being calm & assertive. The second you engage with an argument they use that to their advantage and accuse you of being a bitch or irrational or selfish. Don't engage in arguments. Keep repeating: "It's not up for discussion until you calm down" and then leave the room.

Thehop · 20/11/2019 11:21

How are things today OP? I’ve been thinking of you.

Shame you can’t take your girls for a holiday in MiLS empty house and bloody leave them to it.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 20/11/2019 12:48

I told DH to sort it latest by the end of the year and I arranged to go with the DDs to my parents for 10 days over Xmas (we are in the south, my parents are in Scotland).

I told him if she is not out by the time we come back on the new year, I will seek a divorce and that I fully intend to stay with the DC in the family home...

there were a few hectic phone calls to Sil in Portugal but no idea what was discussed.

And I stared cooking vegetarian food only - Mil and DH are meat eaters unlike me and the DDs... so cooking for me and the DDs only.

Will see what happens but I feel a bit better after booking the plane tickets to my family just for the 3 of us. I hope he will make use of the Xmas break to take her home.

I don't have energy for more right now.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 20/11/2019 12:58

Excellent move OP.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/11/2019 13:05

Great you have stood up to him but it sounds like he was in on the dumping of his mother at your door.

I would still take photos of bank statements and paperwork.

As you said you don’t know exactly what was said on the phone.

If she is gone by the end of the year I would be still watching out for little things he does which involve him telling you what you should do and what you should feel.

I wouldn’t have announced you and Dd would want the house.

You could find you return from Christmas to find the locks changed on your own house.

Why give them such a long time to get her on a plane home.

ffswhatnext · 20/11/2019 13:09

Yes he can change them. But not legally. It's still the ops home. He would find himself on the wrong side of the law.