A mil thread

[losingthepl0t]

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

Are you not able to communicate with her at all? If your husband is Portuguese, have you not picked up the odd word/sentence?

"Why can you not tell you DH that unless your MIL is gone by X date your marriage is over and you will be filing for divorce?"

I cant believe some of the responses on here. Perhaps she doesnt want a divorce!!

Ahhhhh the old trick of taking something completely out of context to make it seem more extreme than it actually is! This was one of 6 suggestions - along with a statement that she might not actually want to do some of those things - in response to the OP saying there wasn't anything she could actually do when in fact there are plenty of things she could do (but then you knew that)

Sorry but if my husband tried to force me to live with anyone against my wi I would be considering divorce. If you can't even discuss this it sounds like communication has completely broken down in your marriage.

I think I'd move all her stuff downstairs into the lounge from you dc bedroom. Give her a pillow and a quilt and point at the sofa. She sleeps there and your dc gets her bedroom back. Tell your dh if he's not happy with that then go and buy her a camp bed. I know she's 80, but she won't budge unless she's made uncomfortable.

Get a blow up bed put it in your bedroom, move mils stuff into your room and she can share with her son.

Move your dd back into her bedroom and you take up residence in the living room, use it for sleeping etc then your dds can watch TV their in peace. If your mil doesn't have the run of the living room she'll soon get bored. Lock the living room door while at work.

Make lots of noise mornings and evenings, loud music/TV while getting ready.

Take over bathroom, spend as long in it as you can.

Eat out with dds, make food just for them.

Let your dds make as much noise as possible, encourage loud screeching.

If she doesn't book her own ticket after that....

Wow OP this is quite a situation. I feel really sorry for you but if this was me I would pop into a few local care homes and get some brochures. I'd hand them to her and ask her to choose . Believe me the language barrier won't be a problem. She'll know exactly what you mean. Unplug the TV too and turn the heating off when your children leave for school. Don't cook or clean.
Time to play hardball OP.

I'd move back into the room with dd2 if you can, and then DH can share with his mother. That should force his hand.

First- Learn the Portuguese words for washing, ironing, dishes, make the bed, chores etc. Then each day before you leave for work give her some tasks for the day. Make sure you put in your order for dinner too and tell DH that you expect it to be ready for everyone when you return from work. After staying for so long she's no longer a guest, and so she can contribute.

Have a discussion with DH to translate this... Technically you are not objecting to her staying so no reason for him to argue. She just needs to muck in while she's there. Then just keep heaping on more and more demands, don't say anything about her leaving but just make it bloody difficult for her to stay.

Make sure you do it in a nice way though. Along the lines of "DH, please can you translate to MIL for me, whilst you're here it would mean so much to me if you could help with kids and chores. It's such a struggle juggling work and home so it would mean the world if you could help me"

DH and MIL can't reasonably refuse this.

Then, you need to have a conversation with SIL. Tell her you're really concerned about MIL, is she okay, is everything alright at her home, has she mentioned anything. Again, under the guise of being concerned don't say anything about her leaving. You must appear to be the bigger person.

Finally, somehow you need to have a conversation with MIL... "it's been lovely having you, do you need any help booking tickets back, a lift to the airport". Then make a commitment to visit her next year.

My MIL comes from India for long visits but they usually have an expiration date. Last visit was 6 months

Outrageous!

My ex narcissistic husband moved his mother into our house after his dad died.
There was no discussion and she had her own bungalow yo return to, but moved in with us to create hell..

His mother is an even bigger narcissist than he is and she treated me and the children so badly.

I was an absolute doormat, putting up with her vile behaviour just wanting to keep the peace. I loved my FIL like a father and I was in grief.
Long story short she stayed for nearly 6 months, I ended up in hospital with a kidney stone stuck in my ureter. Worse pain than child birth!
She broke our family apart. I walked out on the whole shitshow with the children.
My Ex H and Ex MIL had decided to buy 2 houses , more renovations, beside eachother and sell our house, (I was never put on the deeds of the 3 properties we renovated, as he always dangled the carrot of buying a buy to let in my name.....that never happened. ) I was financially , emotionally and physically abused/controlled throughout the marriage.
During our separation , when he got the proceeds of the house sale he invested half of it in a flat with his mother. She is a wealthy woman and did not need the money. All the time we went to relate counselling and he said nothing. Later on I found out he was having an affair with his sister's best friend and all of it had been planned all along!

We are now divorced, but he has fucked me over and my health has suffered.
He has the remaining house equity in his possession (sent to him by his solicitor that he fell out with) and I am trying to get that off of him.
He literally has everything. I walked out with nothing.
He was enmeshed with his mother and did everything to keep her happy.

Maybe go to CAB and see what they advise.

Phone Age UK and see if they can help.

or
Find out the cheapest care home around, put her in it and tell your DH he will have to get another job to pay for it. Or he can take the cheaper option and send her back to Portugal.

Good luck!

I second the suggestion to get a translator or a Portuguese speaker. I know it’s harder to gauge tone in a language that’s not your own, but do you think MIL is just stonewalling you, or is she genuinely waiting for your DH to sort something out? Is it possible she wasn’t included in these plans? Is she ill? Is her own house being used by other family members? Is she being bullied or pushed around by her own family?

With a translator, i’d then tell her that you want her to leave because it’s affecting yours and your DC’s lives and causing problems in your marriage. Tell her she’s welcome to visit again, but that she’s very much overstayed her welcome. Tell her it’s upsetting her DGC.

And definitely move DD back into her bedroom. Get plenty of guests over too. Don’t put your life on hold.

You don’t actually have to get a translator to come to your house, there are various telephone translation services that you can use. Obviously, they’ll cost you some money, but I think speaking to MIL directly with no language barrier will give you a much better idea about what’s going on, and allow you to fully explain to MIL how you’re feeling.

I can’t understand why your DH did this. Apart from the disrespect to you and the DC, he’s putting his own mother in a position where she’s being resented.

You dont know that he has no respect for her. Ermm we have a pretty good idea. He's moved his mother in with no respect for his wife's wishes and he's calling her a bitch. My marriage would be over if my DH behaved like that, but he wouldn't because he respects me.

Legally you can evict her. She is what's known as an excluded occupier. 7 days notice seems to be the ideal. You don't need a court order.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers

The difficulty would presumably be that both you and your DH are "landlords" so you couldn't act alone. I'd get legal advice though.

You go and get legal advice.

You take her stuff out of your DD's room and put her back in there.

You refuse to lift a finger for her or your H.

You tell him she goes, or you're going to divorce him.

You need a proper sit down with your DH. Tell him he's chosen his mother over you and your dd, all of you want him gone. If he persists in this nonsense, then you will be seeking a divorce. You need, as a pp said, to light a fire under his arse. You CAN force a sale if you divorce. It will take time, but I reckon he will finally realise that you are actually serious.

You need to start having full on arguments in front of her. Make her feel so uncomfortable. I bet anything she understands more than she is letting on.

Definitely move dd back into her room today and let mil sleep on the couch. Keep hold of the remote at all times so she cannot turn over the channel. Feed the kids and yourself and tell her Dh will sort her food out. By the weekend book her a flight, preferably on your dhs card, and tell him she has to go. Use google translate to tell her she is going home. Contact sil and tell her the time the flight is due to arrive. Pack her stuff and order a taxi to the airport. There are three of you in the house who don't want her there. If your Dh is annoyed tell him to fuck off to Portugal with her!

Selling the house seems the last step to take. She's comfortable with you and so she is staying. I'm enraged for you, and so eighty or not, I think you need to commit to a plan. She's here till Christmas or beyond at this point.

It is winter, lower the boiler pressure so it won't kick in. Top it up for showers in the morning and lower it again. Bring the girls out for dinner from school or rope in sympathetic friends for playdates to feed them, and leave your husband to cook and wait on her . Remove the fuse from the dishwasher, so everything needs to be washed by hand and she has a pile of breakfast dishes each morning. Pulm the fuse from the kettle periodically. Be very busy with work project and absent yourself from all household admin, shopping and work as far as possible. Hide the remote or replace its batteries with dead ones. Wear jumpers and wait for the boilerman to get the bit and really commit to this for the next three weeks. Cold and bored and stressing your husband out for 3 weeks should kick him into gear.

While your MIL is watching TV, moved her things into your room. Let her sleep with your DH while you stay in your daughter’s room.

Give your husband an end date that if MIL is not out you will be giving him divorce papers. See a solicitor

Also, I am not prepared to leave my home (very little mortgage left, I worked hard for it and got significant help from my parents with the deposit) to make space for Mil and move myself and the DC into a tiny flat. I couldn't rent anyways with my wage. but that is a separate issue. I don't want to move.

Who says YOU have to move?

If DH enjoys living with his mum so much, why don't they move out & get a home together?
I wouldn't be so harsh, but am another one who reckon this whole extended "visit" is a staged coup.

Gilead, they will not go. they just won't. and it's also DH,'s house

OP, you need a clandestine appointment with a solicitor.
Your DH sounds very entitled & controlling.
Get advice. You have more rights than you imagine in this scenario. You - & your DD's - do not have to take orders from DH, or put up with living your lives the way he dictates.

Another excuse. You need to have it out with your DH and ask him pointedly what kind of bastard husband moves his mother in like this and then calls his wife a bitch when she wants her to go after this length of time

EXCELLENT victim-blaming there, @wowfudge.
Have you been reading the same thread as everyone else?
OP has already had the pointed discussions. Her DH doesn't care, isn't interested in her opinion or happiness, & refuses to send MiL home.
OP needs legal advice, not a ticking off from some random on the sidelines.

Hi OP, I can relate to this! My partner is Portuguese, though we live here.
Currently living with DP's parents as we're trying to save.
His nan came to stay for a week in August and is still with us! It's just the way the Portuguese are. DP's mum does all the cooking and cleaning, winges and moans if i make anything in the kitchen and hovers over me or follows me. His dad expects all cooking and cleaning to be done etc.. The older generations are used to this. It annoys me as we can no longer go in the front room as his nan is always there, she sleeps on the sofa bed, so we now basically live in the bedroom.
Can you use google translate and write this all down and give it to her? If you want i don't mind translating something for you as google translate doesn't always make sense. She needs to know that shes being a burden and if your DH won't do anything about it then you need and you need to tell her that your booking flight.
You can always try and make it a little more uncomfortable and tell her she'll have to sleep on a blow up bed in the front room and that certain times of the day the children wil be watching TV etc. But, as you can't communicate, you will need to write this down and give it to her.
Silly question, can she read? My DP's nan is 82 today and she can't

DH is not usually controlling etc.

Oh dear @losingthepl0t. It doesn't really help you how he "usually" is does it! - because this is his new "usual".

He has ridden roughshod over your feelings, is putting his mother ahead of his children, doesn't care that the kids now have to share a room & don't like their grandmother, who doesn't even try to interact with them at all ... he is prepared to make all 3 of you unhappy in order to get his own way ...

& you still feel he isn't "usually controlling"?

Why does he feel he is the only one who gets to make decisions?
Why has he zero concern for your happiness & wellbeing?
Why was there no consultation?
Why is he putting his mother above his children?

These are all actions of a very controlling person.
SEE A LAWYER!!!

You probably need to speak to a solicitor sooner rather than later. Your husband is not on your team. It’s possible to negotiate a trade-off between the house and other assets such as his pension, so you wouldn’t necessarily have to move.

In the meantime, the household has to revert back from guest to normal mode. I would put the children back in their own rooms and move MILs stuff into the living room. They need their space back. MIL can sleep on the sofa.

I'd have the locks changed, for a start, and MIL and DH out of the door.

OP has said it is DH's house too, so this would be illegal.

@losingthepl0t - what is the status of your home ownership? You said earlier that your parents helped with the deposit. Who has been paying the mortgage or have you shared payments equally with DH? Is he on the deeds as a 50% owner?

This is why you need to see a lawyer.
Depending on the size of the initial deposit, & whether DH also contributed one, will be something a solicitor would want to look at when assessing who is entitled to what share of the house. You may even be able to keep the house, but you need expert advice here.

I cannot see your marriage surviving this gobsmackingly unfair invasion. Start protecting your interests & DO NOT TELL DH you are seeing a lawyer.