A mil thread

[losingthepl0t]

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

You're going about this the wrong way.
Get a quote for building work to make a room for mil and present it to dh.
Also who's getting mil's pension?

@losingthepl0t - if you take ONE thing from this thread, take this, from @prettybird -

Visit a lawyer - if the mortgage is nearly paid off and your parents helped with the deposit, you will have a right to a larger share than you think. Plus with the dds the age that they are, you may not need to leave at all.

Right?
Keep thinking this way. As you say - time to get your arse in gear.
Hoping that DH will finally offer 'permission' for MiL to leave your home is never gonna work. She's there for the duration, they have planned it together.

I just think people suggesting you get divorced is a bit of a leap? Unless you were on rocky ground before? But dont think you've said this have you?

OP said so in a later update, @TabbyMumz - which is likely why pp are picking up on how much trouble the marriage is actually in.

@losingthepl0t - have you and your DH ever had a conversation prior to this about his mother coming to stay? Or what would happen if she needed more help or needed to live with her children. I wonder if part of it is that he sees how his mother should be treated as very differently.

"marriage is not the best. ups and downs but we muddle through things"..
This is what the op said....still not necessarily that they are heading for divorce.

@messolini9 get off your self-appointed high horse. The OP has since stated herself that she is worn down and deflated by the situation and needs to do something about it.

messolini9 what do you suggest she does that she hasn’t already done

messolini9 what do you suggest she does that she hasn’t already done

What I have suggested several times already on this thread - SOLICITOR.

And don't tell the DH anything about it until OP is better informed as to her situation.

I really feel for you, OP. You must feel completely powerless.

Could you increase your work hours or look for another job? This might help for a few reasons- extra money (hopefully, since you would only be responsible for half of the extra childcare costs), more varied adult company and an increase in confidence. You don't say anywhere that you couldn't bear to leave your husband, only that you really love your house, so I'm assuming that you just feel really ground down and more money/new job might help with that. It would increase your options and that would be so valuable for you right now.

Ideally, you telling your husband in words of one syllable that he is making you miserable and his mother has to go would be enough, but he is choosing not to hear you. Is there anyone he does listen to, who could be persuaded to speak to him about this?

Unfortunately, I think this will end badly and I genuinely can't see a happy ending here because whoever "wins", the resentment and anger that is building up now could last for the rest of your lives. I think you have been set up and maybe even being pushed out. I could have some respect for a man who wanted to care for his elderly mother (my husband did and I helped him until she sadly died), but this kind of sneaky, underhand behaviour is awful. It goes without saying that the PP's advice to see a solicitor is sound.

You poor thing, how awful. I think you need to find a relative or friend who really needs to stay and could his mum go into a local hotel, to shift her off the premises. Then your DH could look at sheltered housing for her. This doesnt feel good to me and I would advise a solicitor. They are after your house that your parents helped you get and you to be a carer for his mother.

@messolini9 get off your self-appointed high horse. The OP has since stated herself that she is worn down and deflated by the situation and needs to do something about it.

Get you, scolding the OP & now scolding me for pointing that out to you.
When somebody is ground down & feeling out of options, they need advice, not a kicking.

My MIL lives overseas. 6 weeks is the maximum I've done and it had a bad effect on me! Difference is that DH is even less tolerant of her than I am.
She doesn't sound like a pleasant person based purely on the TV!
I think you need to know what you're dealing with, and I say that because there is some possibility that this was planned all along and she means, by default, to move in on a more or less permanent basis.
If not...is she scared to travel back alone?
What does she want? What's going on back in Portugal?
A straight talking conversation needs to happen here regardless of the language barrier.
Someone cannot move into your home against your will.
Speak to your DH, ask him to find our her plans and set a leaving date. He could even travel back with her if she's too nervous.
If he won't engage... counselling to resolve this massive issue.
And yy to stopping waiting on either of them.

@BeanBag7 I understand exactly what you mean which is why I wonder if this situation might be a safeguarding issue. @losingthepl0t has absolutely no idea what has been said to MIL or what's gone on behind her back.

And your posts @messolini9 were scolding several other posters on this thread. Your only solution is that the OP see a solicitor with a view to separating from her husband. Oh, and to give a kicking to several posters on this thread.

I, too, think that this has been planned. It's the husband's reaction - immediately defensive and offensive, almost like he's been caught out and doesn't know how to react. Rather than, oh I know it's getting ridiculous now, I'll talk to her and book her a flight, it's calling OP a bitch and selfish, etc, which is a very strange reaction to her, quite rightly, objecting to this. Why on earth does the husband think this is ok, that's what I would want to find out. Is his mum really getting much out of this either? She must know she's causing problems?
I think it is time to basically withdraw completely from both your husband and his mother. Speak when spoken to if you have to but otherwise don't acknowledge them at all. Go about your day, with your daughters and just freeze them out. If your husband asks why you are doing this just say quietly and calmly you don't see the point in talking as he doesn't care what you think. Make it really awkward for him and her. He needs to care more that he is seriously upsetting his wife and risking his marriage for the sake of having an adult conversation about when his mother is leaving, which again leads me to believe that the plan is for her to never leave.

This is fucking ridiculous from so many points of view:

1. You thinking of moving out with your children from your OWN home - definitely not a solution
2. You arguing with your DH over this nonsense - if he lied about her MOVING IN rather than VISITING this is bloody serious
3. The whole tv and ignoring the grandchildren and being served 24/7. I am all about hospitality when people are my home but 6 weeks is not visiting, she's living with you!!!

Have you raised it with SIL? I assume she speaks English.

Also, if my MIL would visit for 6 weeks I might end up in jail for murder and I really really don't want that.

Just a thought OP when / if Brexit happens...she wont have settled or pre settled status I assume? How will this affect access to healthcare etc? If he is really wanting her to stay, how is care for her going to work when she is older? She will need a translator for all her care needs, I'm not sure if the NHS would pay going forward, is he going to do every appointment etc with her? Surely it wont be good for her to sit indoors all day not speaking to anyone?

I think consulting a solicitor about divorce proceedings may be your next option. Your husband sounds extraordinarily unreasonable.

Does he shout during these arguments? Do you think he might get violent?

Dust right round her. If all else fails, put a lampshade over her head and stick her in the corner.

This made me laugh out loud in a restaurant abroad where I'm dining on my own - I think I've frightened the locals!!

On a serious note, what is she doing for money while she is here? Is your husband subsidising her?

Honestly I think the only option here is to consult a divorce lawyer op. All other sensible options appear to be dead ends.

I don't see what else you can do.

I couldn't forgive my husband for moving in his mother by sneaky stealth, it sounds miserable.

Quietly get yourself legal advice.

From an impartial & qualified person. If you want a less nuclear option before instructions to lawyers, even a chat about your legal rights re the house at citizens advice or Shelter could help.

This would drive me potty. What does your DH say about your child losing their room??

The situation is obviously completely unacceptable. I too think this is potentially worthy of divorce, it's something that would drive me absolutely loopy and which is frankly abusive in terms of total absence of consultation over something so huge, and the reaction to raising concerns about it. Get proper legal advice ASAP. Everyone needs to stop with the silly lock changing and putting on plane suggestions. They're neither right nor feasible.

Oh, and to give a kicking to several posters on this thread.

Say what? - where, @wowfudge?

I like the suggest an extension idea. Surely dh can see it isn't working for his dw and dc?.
I would bet installing a mil would be grounds for divorce...
Or a patio op??
We would be alibis..