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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mil thread

264 replies

losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:16

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 19/11/2019 07:53

Time to move EVERYONE in!!! Aunty Ethel, Greg from the Fruit Shop, Nora - You know, who’s cousin is married to Sandra from no 7’s brother? Etc... Let them all come and stay.

MarthasGinYard · 19/11/2019 07:53

All planned I reckon

DeathStare · 19/11/2019 07:53

DDs want her to go. she does not interact with them at all

Then you need to work together to sort this.

Move your DD2 back into her bedroom and tell her not to move from it for grandma. Pack up MIL's stuff and leave it in the hallway/lounge. If necessary fit a lock on the bedroom doors and tell your DDs to take the key with them when they go out.

Do not lift a finger for MIL/DH as long as she stays. Do not cook for them. Do not clean up after them. Do not shop for them.

Ensure that MIL cannot sit around watching TV. Put a PIN-code on it if necessary. Turn the channel over every time you enter the room.

Be a general disturbance. If MIL or your "D"H ends up sleeping on the sofa make sure that between you and your DDs you use the lounge until very late at night and from very early in the morning.

Invite friends round for the evening (or DDs friends) - do not include MIL or "D"H.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:54

DDs are 10 and 12.

no, I haven't got friends I can stay with and I am very conscious of not inflicting myself in a Mil fashion onto others.

I just want my home back. that is all.

OP posts:
Gilead · 19/11/2019 07:54

If it’s your house, pack their bags.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:57

Gilead, they will not go. they just won't. and it's also DH,'s house

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 19/11/2019 08:00

I'm another one who thinks this has been planned. The only way she is moving out now is if your husband asks/tells her to. So, move into 'her' bedroom and put a lock on the door. Move all her belongings in with your husband. Do not do any washing or cooking for either of them and take the remote with you to work. Good luck.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 19/11/2019 08:02

I'm gobsmacked at this. I can't believe anyone would think it's ok to move an extra person into a house indefinitely without discussing and agreeing with everyone in that house (or at least the adults). Does he have no respect for you in general?

Lizzie0869 · 19/11/2019 08:02

I'm inclined to agree that they planned this from the start. What you need to do is move your DD back into her own room. Then if your MIL will have to sleep on the sofa if she stays in your house.

Re the TV, you should just change the channel. Your SIL must surely go to the toilet sometimes.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 08:05

are there legal ways in which I can enforce her moving out?

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 19/11/2019 08:09

Put dd bs knob her room and tell husband there is no room so he needs to sort out somewhere for mil to stay.

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/11/2019 08:11

There is one way but it’s harsh. Pack her bags into the car and drive her to a hotel a few miles away and leave her there. Tell your DH where she is and while he goes to get her get the locks changed and lock them both out

wowfudge · 19/11/2019 08:11

Where does Mil live when she is at home and with whom?

Just wondering if there is something afoot in Portugal around her home and Dsis wanted her out of the way for it. Also points to your husband being involved if he's making no effort to get her to go back.

You need to have a serious discussion with your DH outside the house and lay it on the line. You've made excuses so far why the various tactics pps have suggested won't work, but this man is treating you appallingly.

How is she managing to watch TV if she can't speak English btw?

Any way you can book her a flight home and take her to the airport?

Whiskers14 · 19/11/2019 08:13

I don't think you can legally evict her if the house is jointly owned by you and your DH and she's his mum who he's invited to stay. Clearly this has been planned by your DH, SIL and MIL. I bet if you did some digging you'd find out her house in Portugal is all packed up/sold. If that's the case, then maybe your DH could use the proceeds to buy/rent her a flat nearby? Or, deep breath, sell your house and plough all the proceeds into a bigger place for you all? I think you might need to face up to the fact she's not going back to Portugal and start making plans on how to make the situation work IF you want to stay married.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 08:14

Mil lives on her own. Sil lives pretty far away.

no, cannot book a flight. She won't go. she says it's for her DS (DH) to decide.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 19/11/2019 08:14

She's an overstaying guest. No need to 'legally evict'. Just tell her it's time for her to go home as your DD needs her room back and you need your family life restored to normality.

averythinline · 19/11/2019 08:14

I think to legally get her out you'd have to call the police and say she's a squatter.... and serve an eviction notice....

I think i'd start with making DH share with MIL.. and start seperation proceedings from him... he is choosing to end his marriage over this...so would suggest you seek legal advice - if you are on a low wage you may get some help

You may end up selling the house but you will then have money for somewhere else as the mortgage is small - I would rather live in a flat than be bullied like this....

FenellaMaxwell · 19/11/2019 08:15

Book her a flight and drive her to the airport when your DH is out.

wowfudge · 19/11/2019 08:17

Another excuse. You need to have it out with your DH and ask him pointedly what kind of bastard husband moves his mother in like this and then calls his wife a bitch when she wants her to go after this length of time.

Whiskers14 · 19/11/2019 08:18

Mil lives on her own. Sil lives pretty far away.

Have you asked her if she's still got a home to go back to?

mclover · 19/11/2019 08:21

When they go out change the locks!

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 08:21

Have you asked her if she's still got a home to go back to?

she says she will return but does not know when as this is up to DH to decide.

she came with a tiny suitcase. I am pretty sure her home and her belongings are still there in P.

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 19/11/2019 08:23

So give your DH the choice. He sends MIL home, or you divorce and put the house up for sale. He’s not going to pick the latter.

BeanBag7 · 19/11/2019 08:23

OP what have you actually tried. You've said a lot of "this wont work" "that wont work" but have you actually done anything? Asking nicely and waiting for it to get better has worked. It is time to get drastic as it will only get more difficult the longer she stays.

Change the locks while DH is out and physically push MIL out of the front door if that's what it takes.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 08:24

Book her a flight and drive her to the airport when your DH is out

she will not play ball. she doesn't even get in the car with me. She is not leaving the house at all. in these 6 weeks, she has been twice to the supermarket with DH. that's all

anyway, I think I need to mull over things. this may well be a long planned thing and now I am stitched up and getting out of it seems pretty difficult.

OP posts: