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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mil thread

264 replies

losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:16

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

OP posts:
Original poster
losingthepl0t · 20/11/2019 13:12

I am not worried about a lock change. he would not do that.

I am worried about coming back and get still being around.

Let's see.

OP posts:
TheMerryWidow1 · 20/11/2019 13:18

well done you op!! Great move, bet you have freaked him out now.

MsPavlichenko · 20/11/2019 13:20

Never assume you know what your DH/DP will do in the event of a separation /divorce. These pages are filled with examples of women utterly shocked and deveststed by how they behave. Particularly with regard to property and money.

I'd still consider a visit to a lawyer for advice.

onalongsabbatical · 20/11/2019 13:24

I am not worried about a lock change. he would not do that. Please don't be so naive OP, you already said you don't recognise him at the moment. Most people are capable of being ruthlessly focused on their own well-being - if he thinks you're going to divorce him anyway he's fully capable of changing the locks.

AdoreTheBeach · 20/11/2019 13:26

Well done OP!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/11/2019 13:31

Good for you! However, I would assume for quite some time that the two of you are no longer on the same side.

Don't assume that he will just roll over. I too have heard so many women say "Oh, he would never do that to me" only to discover that he would, and far worse as well. If you "win" this, he will be very, very angry.

Motoko · 20/11/2019 13:32

You should still see a solicitor to find out where you stand, with this situation, and in the event of divorce (this would qualify as "Unreasonable behaviour").

Knowledge is power, and if he tries throwing things around, such as you won't get the house, or something, you will know if that's true or not. As a pp said, never underestimate what he would or wouldn't do, lots of men do things their partners thought they wouldn't dream of doing, like "He wouldn't see me and the kids out on the streets", only to find they do exactly that.

So, arm yourself with knowledge, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

abitlostandalwayshungry · 20/11/2019 13:38

@Motoko couldn't say it better knowledge is power - OP you need to see a solicitor ASAP. Just to know where you stand. I'm quite sure by overruling you and forcing you to live with someone in your home he already crossed a line law-wise. Just knowing all the facts will help to find the self confidence and energy to stand your ground.

ffswhatnext · 20/11/2019 13:42

Never underestimate what these 'nice, caring' people can do.

Any married couple or those who legally own a home together should get legal advice if they are even contemplating separation. The other partner will have lots and lots of helpful 'advice' that only benefits that person.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/11/2019 13:44

Bet you never thought him and his sister would plan to move their mother in begging your back....

Because don't be naive enough to believe that this wasn't the plan all along.

ineedaholidaynow · 20/11/2019 13:44

It's interesting how early on in this thread people were advising the OP to change the locks, now they are warning her that the DH may do the same whilst she is away.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/11/2019 13:47

I am not worried about a lock change. he would not do that

A few months ago you didn’t think your mil would be moved in and living with you and when you broach the subject of her leaving with your dh you would have never believed he would call you a bitch and tell you it his house.

Like others have said, see a solicitor.

Make preparations for all eventualities. If you come back to find she is still there you can press the button on divorce proceedings.

PanamaPattie · 20/11/2019 14:20

Don’t trust him OP. He’s not the man you thought he was.

PanamaPattie · 20/11/2019 14:26

.... also the frantic phone calls speak volumes. If your MIL was always going to return to Portugal, it would be a calm “just to let you know Mother is coming home on Thursday” type of call. DH probably didn’t think you would give him an ultimatum and he’s not sure what to do now. He thought you would just do whatever he said and look after MIL. Please seek legal advice before you leave for Christmas. You may come home to your belongings bagged up on the lawn and new locks, with your MIL running the house.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/11/2019 14:29

if he does change the locks, op, its perfectly legal for you to call a locksmith and have them let you back in your house. In fact I think (I could be wrong!) that its legal to break into your own house. Him changing the locks would be entirely pointless.

I would be prepared for it though. Do you speak to your neighbours? could you ask them to keep an eye whilst you're gone? Well done for making a plan! He sounds like a total arse.

ffswhatnext · 20/11/2019 14:44

Getting the neighbours to keep a lookout would be useless.
Takes minutes to change the barrels. Neighbours wouldn't even realise unless he made a performance out of it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/11/2019 14:46

its not useless if they see them though is it Hmm at least it would be a warning. I know how long changing a lock takes, but even spotting a locksmiths van and giving OP a heads up might be nice.

Motoko · 20/11/2019 15:17

He wouldn't need a locksmith though. He can get a new barrel from B&Q, and with a screwdriver, swap the barrels over.

ffswhatnext · 20/11/2019 15:20

Sure I saw them in a massive supermarket the last time I ventured into one.
Doesn't even have to leave the house to buy a barrel, Amazon same-day delivery lol.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/11/2019 16:19

depends how handy he is surely! I know a lot of people who wouldn't attempt it! that's a bit beside the point though isn't it, the neighbours can still look our for anything unusual really.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2019 17:03

I dont think its any co-incidence OP that your DH and SIL moved MIL into your house just 3 weeks before the October Brexit deadline.. Everything was up in the air and I think they were making sure she would be covered for a long stay. Which means they planned it.
They also kept quiet about it and waited for the penny to drop with you, only to call you a bitch when you objected. It is SO UNDERHAND that even if you don't want to separate or divorce, you should make the same preparations as if you did, just to protect you and your daughters. Knowing your rights, Knowing where you stand will help ease some of the stress.
As nearly everyone is saying see a Solicitor, get advice instead of lying awake worrying. Don't tell DH any of your plans. Get your iphone out and make copies of as much documentation as you can.
A translater to speak to MIL and find out what she actually thinks is a brilliant idea.. she may even tell you more about what is going on that your DH has.
I also think swapping rooms with MIL and letting her bunk in with DH is a brilliant idea and underlines your point.
Some of the schemes for making her uncomfortable might be quite stressful for you and DDs so the room swap sounds like the best idea.
Also keeping the remotes whilst dds are watching is a good idea. and the veggie idea is also a good one.
Are you funding MIL? How are your finances distributed? Who is paying the grocery bills. She should be contributing.
Do you have a helpful relative who could come to support you in a sit down meeting with you and DH, where you explain very clearly that the situation cannot continue and ask what his actual plans are for MIL since he has not revealed them so far.
I feel very sorry for you and a little bit sorry for her. Not at all sorry for your DH.. if he wanted her to come and live with you, he could have sat down and told you this honestly and openly and discussed it all with you and then you could have both worked out an arrangement...and you would have been more willing to help him make some kind of arrangement.
But the big worry about the way he has imposed this with forward planning on his part and without any discussion, behind your back with MIL and SIL.. is I think a big red warning sign that he doesn't consider you as someone whose views need to be taken into account. It may be that he's selling off her house, splitting it with SIL and pushing you out of your house. Sorry but that is what I would think if it was me - so I think you need to protect yourself and DDs and arm yourself for any eventuality with that in mind, hopefully it won't come to that, but at least you will be prepared if it does. Best of luck

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2019 17:07

Its difficult with the bills, she should be paying her share, but if you do that it might mean that its acknowledging she is now a resident. So a solicitor's advice is essential and don't tell him you are seeing on either.

Saddler · 20/11/2019 17:15

Well done for the latest move Op hope it works out and he's got the message

GreenTulips · 20/11/2019 17:33

What was his reaction to spending christmas with his mother and not his wife and children

RandomMess · 20/11/2019 17:49

I agree with moving MIL out of DDs room either to the sofa or to share with DH.

Thanks