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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mil thread

264 replies

losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:16

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 19/11/2019 18:53

Your only solution is that the OP see a solicitor with a view to separating from her husband
If you read my posts correctly, @wowfudge, you'd perceive that I recommended OP sees a solicitor with regard to how she stands re: ownership of & rights to her house. This is because she is very worried that her only option to get away from her untenable situation would be to move out herself, or lose her home. She needs reassurance that this is not necessarily the case, & that she quite possibly has a good deal more right over the maritcal home than she currently suspects.

And your posts @messolini9 were scolding several other posters on this thread.
Again, if you had read my posts correctly, you'd know that that's nonsense. The only posters I have name-checked are the OP, & you - for berating her.
So unless you are confusing me with another poster, that's pure invention on your part. But knock yourself out with the demonising - I'm probably responsible for global warming & being mean to kittens too.

MissEliza · 19/11/2019 18:58

Op I think you've got the patience of a saint to have lasted that long.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 19/11/2019 19:10

Start by moving her out of the room and your DC back in. Or YOU move into it actually he can share a bed with his mummy.

Learn the Portuguese for "you need to leave" and keep repeating it to her. Rude, yes, but you've tried to be nice and it's not working.

No cooking for your DH or her. No fussing, hosting, cups of tea etc. No laundry, again for her and him. She needs to learn she's not being waited on and he can learn that while he's treating you this way you aren't lifting a finger to enable it. Any moaning from him should be met with "If you don't like it you know what you have to do".

A few weeks of sharing a bedroom and doing all of his and her chores will hopefully have him getting her on a plane ASAP. And if not then I'm sorry to say, solicitor. I don't see how you could trust him again.

MsChatterbox · 19/11/2019 19:16

Get some legal advice on the matter.

Sideshowjen · 19/11/2019 19:30

OP, I’m speaking as someone who had their non English speaking grandma stay with us when I was 12. My dad just dumped her on mum, sister and I one summer and he buggered off to London for work and didn’t spend any time with her. It was miserable and she drove us up the wall so I totally feel your pain. She didn’t interact with me or my sister, didn’t know our names (she had too many grandchildren to keep count) and treated all of us like servants. She only left because she couldn’t stand the weather and missed her home.

Have you had a proper conversation with your husband how emotionally difficult it is for you and the kids having her overstay? I can imagine it’s not nice having a grandma who doesn’t interact with you. Have the kids spoken to their dad about it (assuming they aren’t happy with the situation?)

Is your husband happy having her stay? At the end of the day it’s his mum so he probably feels like he can’t be mean to her. Can you suggest booking a family holiday for all of you to Portugal for Christmas to help resettle gran (and not booking grandma a return flight) so at least you have an end date in sight?

Could you also speak to your husband to try and persuade him how much easier things will be and happier everyone will be (including granny) once she goes back home?

Is granny actually happy in the UK? Most older folk who come from abroad (especially warmer countries) tend to miss their homes terribly!

Best of luck OP.

ffswhatnext · 19/11/2019 19:40

Put your child back in her room. It's her space. She's done her bit and given it up for 6 weeks. There will be complaints, ask for the keys to mil place. She can stay put with dh, and you and the dc's move abroad. More complaints, ask what they suggest then as there's no room. Someone has to leave.

UOkhun77 · 19/11/2019 19:53

Could you suggest a family trip to Portugal and only get her a one way ticket perhaps?

justilou1 · 19/11/2019 20:41

Put MIL in your bed with FH and get in your DD’s room.

ThanosSavedMe · 19/11/2019 20:48

Fuck me. How on earth have you remained sane?

I don’t have any answers I’m afraid but good luck

CallmeAngelina · 19/11/2019 21:05

This is beyond insane!!!

I sincerely hope your "d"h isn't still expecting sex? Take that idea right off the table.

bringbackthesun · 19/11/2019 21:52

OP, I would move DD back into her room, move MIL in with your DH, then when DH gets home from work, calmly explain what you’ve done and why. And yes, stick the TV on for your DDs and ‘lose’ the remote. No need to be locking away loo paper or some of the other petty suggestions on this thread. Then go from there. If he’s still happy to be sharing

bringbackthesun · 19/11/2019 21:53

oops sharing with his mum in a weeks time, reasess the situation then

BouquetOfRoses · 19/11/2019 21:58

I have a feeling the husband & MIL wouldn't care about sharing a room! They just want her to continue living there

OP say she can sleep on the sofa, neither you nor the DDs should have to give up titre beds

Ihatesundays · 19/11/2019 22:16

Someone else has said it, but would 100% be losing the remote.

And going out a lot with DDs, leave DH to look after his mother, novelty will wear off.

Chloemol · 19/11/2019 22:19

Move your daughter back into her room, put all your mil stuff into cases and place in the hall. Tell your husband his mother will have to sleep on the sofa, and live out of the cases, but has to be up at 7am, room and cases cleared for when the kids get up.
Also advise him you are not doing one single thing for her, he will have to do everything HIde the remote control let the kids make as much noise as they want, play in the lounge etc and carry on family life around her

Tell your dh, I feel it’s your house, that has two weeks to sort this and send her home or they will both be leaving

abitlostandalwayshungry · 19/11/2019 22:22

How come you haven't seen a solicitor yet? There absolutely will be a legal angle for you to use. It's not possible that you wouldn't have a say in this as mortgage holder. Impossible!

All your replies sound very passive and it sounds very much like you feel powerless.
Can it be that DH knows this and the plan to move MIL is based on this?

purplepalace · 19/11/2019 22:46

Don't allow DH into your room or your bed. Go and see a solicitor.
Sit them down together and tell them you want her to go home or the marriage is over.

CoraPirbright · 19/11/2019 23:00

I would swap the rooms around. See how much your ‘d’h likes sharing a double bed with his mum!

Osirus · 19/11/2019 23:17

My great-grandmother moved in with my grandparents in the 60s. It was intended to be a temporary thing. She was there until she died...in 2010.

It’s amazing how often relatives squeeze their way in with no intention of ever leaving. I’ve had a few myself but I’m not a good host and they get fed up eventually.

I would refuse to share a room with him, basically live like you are separated until he sorts this out. It’s wholly unfair on you.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 19/11/2019 23:30

Despite all the ‘but I can’t-‘ whatevers, this has been going on for ages with no end in sight, so what are you going to do? Keep pandering to her and your shit husband? Keep letting your kid be displaced from her private space? Keep allowing the woman to dominate your property and consume your electricity, food, devices, and marriage? It is no longer sustainable, your shit husband needs to remove the woman from your property, or it will go on the market and he’ll have to host his mother and his kids 50% of the time, whilst finding somewhere else to live. Him moving his mother into you’re property without your knowledge, agreement or consent is not acceptable, so just remove yourself from the situation by taking the hundreds of posters advice here. Get locks. See a solicitor. Raise your standards.

HiJenny35 · 19/11/2019 23:44

Husband I want her gone before December. Daughter is moving back into her bedroom next Sunday, I will be washing all bedding and removing her stuff from the room so I suggest you organise somewhere else for her to stay.
It's up to you what happens from now, either mother leaves or you both leave or the house goes up for sale and we sort this legally because I won't have Christmas ruined for my children by your behaviour.
End of conversation.

Applesandpears23 · 19/11/2019 23:47

Cry a lot? Take up wandering around the house naked? Invite friends round and ignore her?

EL8888 · 19/11/2019 23:48

I would pull the plug on all of her privileges so DD is back in her own room, TV remote in your pocket and no more running round after her. She needs to go home

It’s not reasonable for any house guest to stay that long. To me it does sound like you have been stitched up. I have always made clear to partners l will never live with their parents, l wouldn’t expect them to live with mine either

Chocmallows · 19/11/2019 23:54

I would 100 blank her and ask my DDs to do the same, move her stuff to the side of the sitting room out of your DDs bedroom. Remove the remote from her and pass to your DDs. I wouldnt cook or clean for her. Every time DH asks why or gets annoyed I would say "she's your mum not mine, you help her".

Lillygolightly · 20/11/2019 00:28

Since your DH is so resistant to have any kind of conversation that involves coming to a solution other than to call you a selfish bitch my plan would be this:

  1. As others have said move your DD back to her room. Do not advise or ask for permission JUST DO IT. It’s your house too remember and if he can just decide to move his mother in without asking, you can move your DD back without asking too. If he calls you a selfish bitch, mirror it right back to him calling him a selfish bastard and selfish dad as your DD wants her room back as she’s given it up for long enough. When he questions where his Mother will sleep, tell him it’s his problem to deal with but you assumed she could bunk in with him as you will be taking the living room for your bedroom from now on.

  2. Make life as uncomfortable for MIL as possible, have your DD’s invite their mates round, play, be loud, be messy, whatever. Take over the TV, put on what YOU want as it is YOUR house. Clean when she is relaxing or napping, bang and vacuum loudly etc.

  3. ignore the presence of your MIL completely, literally act like she is not there. If making food, or drinks make only for DD’s and yourself. It will be hard, you will feel mean etc but it is a means to an end.

  4. Draft in help and invite your own friends or family to visit, as often as is possible. Take over the living room, take over the TV, drink wine or tea and be loud and merry/annoying.

One of 3 things will happen, either your MIL will get the hint and leave, or your DH will see sense and book her a flight back home. Or nothing happens in which case it really is time to start thinking about issuing divorce proceedings.