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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mil thread

264 replies

losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:16

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

OP posts:
LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 19/11/2019 09:13

Dob her in to immigration and get her deported??

This is just outrageous!

Lipperfromchipper · 19/11/2019 09:15

@LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow The MIL is from Portugal so immigration won’t give a hoot, she is allowed to be in the U.K.

DeathStare · 19/11/2019 09:15

death, how can I sell the house on my own. DH and I are both on the deeds

This is what I mean about being defeatist. You have had close to 100 suggestions on here and most of them do not mention selling your home (even the ones that do seem to suggest threatening it - not actually doing it) - yet that is the one you respond to.

Why can you not take some of the many many suggestions about how to make life uncomfortable for DH and MIL? (moving her out of DD's bedroom, removing her TV access, not doing any shopping, cooking, cleaning for her, putting locks on the bedroom doors, packing up all her stuff - daily if necessary, etc)

Why can you not go to see a solicitor and find out what you can do legally?

Why can you not tell you DH that unless your MIL is gone by X date your marriage is over and you will be filing for divorce?

Why can you not insist that your DH comes and discusses this with a counsellor/mediator with you or your marriage will be over?

Why can you not take the children and go to stay elsewhere and tell DH that you will not come back until MIL has gone?

I can understand why you might not WANT to do any of those things, but you don't want your MIL living with you either. If you are going to get your home back then you are going to have to do something you don't want to do.

Lipperfromchipper · 19/11/2019 09:16

OP get out the computer and sit your dh and mil at it and put flights in front of them. Tell him to book one!! And don’t let them move until it is done!! Then DRIVE her to the airport, and send him over with her too if you fancy a break from him too!! 🤣🙌

holidayhelpp · 19/11/2019 09:18

Sending you strength, I too think this has been planned and she has no intention of returning!

Windygate · 19/11/2019 09:22

I actually have some sympathy for MIL, she's been granny dumped. This will have been planned between DH and SIL possibly without her knowledge. Those saying take her to the airport I bet DH has hidden her passport.

I've no idea what provisions exist in Portugal for the elderly, maybe DH and SIL thought she'd be better looked after in the UK.

MIL is in a very vulnerable position regards access to NHS care, benefits, housing etc. What's happened to her home in Portugal and her belongings etc? If Brexit goes ahead this may also cause issues. This may well be a safeguarding issue.

There has been a major irreversible shift in your marriage and relationship. There was no emergency DH and SIL lied to you. You would be well advised to get legal advice for your own peace of mind.
Try and have an unemotional conversation with your DH. MIL isn't going anywhere so you both need a plan.

I'm so sorry your facing this 💩

UndomesticHousewife · 19/11/2019 09:24

Your husband moved his mother in without any discussion and when you try to talk to him about this he calls you a bitch.
Do you think even if your mil leaves your marriage will be worth saving? Because your husband has picked his mother over you and his children.

BeanBag7 · 19/11/2019 09:24

@Windygate if MIL wasnt happy about it surely she would be trying to tell OP that rather than just saying "it's up to DH when I leave". She would be happy to go in the car with OP. I'm pretty sure she knows why shes there and is doing what she can to prevent being evicted.

TabbyMumz · 19/11/2019 09:24

"Why can you not tell you DH that unless your MIL is gone by X date your marriage is over and you will be filing for divorce?"

I cant believe some of the responses on here. Perhaps she doesnt want a divorce!!

TabbyMumz · 19/11/2019 09:27

"Do you think even if your mil leaves your marriage will be worth saving? Because your husband has picked his mother over you and his children."

Isn't this a bit dramatic? Hes moved his mother in but surely that doesnt mean hes picked her over his Wife and children?

DriftingLeaves · 19/11/2019 09:29

What's the point in staying married to someone who has no respect for you. Plot your exit, OP and leave him and his mother to it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/11/2019 09:29

Christmas is coming. Does SIL have family that MIL may want to see over Christmas? Otherrwise maybe sit her down and stress that the girls will be breaking up from school soon, they will be home all day and need space, you have a lot to be getting on with to get Christmas organised and you didn't expect her to still be here, so she isn't included in your Christmas plans.

Tell your DH that she has to be gone by Christmas. MAKE him book the flights (sit with him if necessary, don't take no for an answer). Flights may well get VERY expensive in the Christmas holidays, so booking before would be best.

If you are very matter of fact about it, very 'right, this has gone on long enough, we have plans', then hopefully MIL should understand that it's time to go. Surely she can't be THAT passive, as an 80 year old who lives alone she must organise her life on a day to day basis? She doesn't sit at home in Portugal saying that she can't do anything without her DD or DS's say so, does she?

Owlypants · 19/11/2019 09:29

Take off your wedding ring ,tell him you've been to see a solicitor and you want a divorce.

My mil is lovely but i couldn't cope with 6wks of her!

Lj8893 · 19/11/2019 09:30

Move her stuff out of the bedroom. Move your DD back in. Put a lock on the door and only you and DD have a key for it. Have it locked whenever she isn’t in it so nobody can get in.

Hide the tv remote.

No cooking, cleaning etc for mil or DH.

Take all toilet roll out and keep it in the locked DD bedroom so only you and both DDs have access to toilet roll.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2019 09:31

I cannot sell without DH on board and houses here don't sell well. most are on the market for 6-9 months

Of course you cannot sell the house alone.

The courts will order the house to be sold when you get a divorce.

If the houses take 6-9 months to be sold then it will just mean you will be living in the house with your mil and exh for 6-9 months more.

Or you could get awarded custody of the house given you are the primary parent to your dc and it will be your husband and his mother moving out

Talking isn’t getting you anywhere. Whilst mil is watching tv I would be upstairs moving the living accommodation around

Are you sure she cannot speak English.

What on Earth is she watching if she cannot speak any English

MumW · 19/11/2019 09:31

How about going to Citizens Advice and getting some information on how you would stand financially if you were to divorce. OK, you'll have to live in a smaller place and maybe only be able to rent but at least you'll be living under your own rules and not having to live with an old lady that you can't communicate with. Get the paperwork in order and copies of all documentation ready. If nothing else, you know your escape route should you ever need it and it shows DH that you are serious if push comes to shove.

Once this is in place, point out that he says MIL can stay as long as she likes but when you've quizzed her, she says it's his decision. Tell him this doesn't add up and directly ask your DH if he has moved MIL in permanently by stealth. If this is the case, then you have 2 choices - put up with the situation or give DH an ultimatum that MIL leaves or you want a divorce but you have to mean it.

I love my MIL, we get on well and we can communicate, she would help as much as she could but there is absolutely no way that I could live with her permanently. If my DH moved her in with out any discussion, then it would be her or me. I'd probably be in a worse poisition than you if I left but I'd rather live frugally and alone than within a relationship where DH had no respect for me or my feelings,

You are between a rock and a hard place. Good Luck - I hope you find the strength to resolve your situation.

justilou1 · 19/11/2019 09:33

Time to play hardball. Lock on the fridge. Lock on the pantry. Hide the remote. Lock the toilet door so she can’t get in. Throw her gear outside. Once she is out (and DH) change the locks and don’t let anyone in until you know she has left the country.

AuchAyeTheNo · 19/11/2019 09:38

I’d be taking it out on your DH if I’m honest. No more food bought or cooked for him. No more his washing done. I’d be pushing the argument your Dd was her room back more than you want her gone.

Does your DD’s talk to your DH about this? Maybe they need to start asking him when they can have their own rooms again

I’d be making life a bit harder in the house. Ask the kids to have friends over and make lots of noise when DH isn’t in. Play music loudly or be cleaning loudly when she’s watching tv.

Lizzie0869 · 19/11/2019 09:46

My mil is lovely but i couldn't cope with 6wks of her!

Same here. My MIL comes to stay for 5 days some and I find I've had enough after 3 days of her. She's lovely but quite high maintenance.

It's the same where my DM is concerned.

TabbyMumz · 19/11/2019 09:49

"What's the point in staying married to someone who has no respect for you. Plot your exit, OP and leave him and his mother to it."
You dont know that he has no respect for her. Marriages are often complicated, we cant go round telling people to end their marriage, especially when I do not think the op has hinted that she wants to? Isn't marriage all about accepting that your husband has an 80 year old mother that one day he might have some responsibility for?

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2019 09:56

Isn't marriage all about accepting that your husband has an 80 year old mother that one day he might have some responsibility for

And when that time comes it is a joint decision with his wife and children what the plan will be.

Not just turfing his Dd out of her bedroom and moving an 80 year old woman into the house he only owns half of with his wife

Absolutely no respect

RuggerHug · 19/11/2019 10:02

Tell him he can live with his mother or with his wife and children. Not everyone together.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 10:02

Isn't marriage all about accepting that your husband has an 80 year old mother that one day he might have some responsibility for

would you be happy to have your non-english speaking mil moving into your home without any consultantion, against your will and at the expense of one child losing their room?

would you not expect this to be a joint decision?

and there are other ways of taking care of an older relative.

This is not what I signed up for.

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 19/11/2019 10:08

Could you move your child back into their room and sleep in their with them? Don't ask, just do it, And move MIL in with 'D'H to share a bedroom.Stick them a joint wash basket in there for them to sort and job done. I suspect it won't be long before he does something about it. Don't do anything for her, not even a cup of tea if you are making one for yourself. She's your husbands problem (who is the problem himself). I would be blanking her and him and only focus on the kids. Make sure the tv is on for the kids for their programmes, do not pander to her or him.

TabbyMumz · 19/11/2019 10:09

No it's not what you "signed up for"....but I suppose it always was a possibility? I agree not nice the way it's been done, but perhaps he was also diddled by his Sister?
I just think people suggesting you get divorced is a bit of a leap? Unless you were on rocky ground before? But dont think you've said this have you?