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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mil thread

264 replies

losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:16

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

OP posts:
hungrywalrus · 19/11/2019 08:50

You don’t get to be the doting son at the expense of your wife and daughters. I don’t think your marriage is going to recover from this. Is there any way you can see a solicitor? I really feel for you. I’ve had my mil over for weeks at a time and it has in the past nearly destroyed our marriage. The only reason we are still together is because he’s staying to understand the typical patterns of behaviour. It’s the lack of respect that’s key here.

AlmostChristmas2019 · 19/11/2019 08:51

I'd have the locks changed, for a start, and MIL and DH out of the door.

If you are in England, you probably won't be able to keep them out for long but it would be a start and possibly enough to send her home.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2019 08:52

I have raised it several times with DH which ended in arguments.i cannot raise it with mil due to the language barrier and her inability to make decisions for herself

Actions speak louder than words

I would move mil’s things into your bedroom and your things, you and dd into dds bedroom and get a locksmith to put locks on both your dcs doors

Then I would tell your dh that if mil isn’t gone by the end of the week you will be divorcing him.

Point out that if he wants to go down the divorce route then he is going to have to kiss goodbye to the house as you want your share out of it and he and his mummy are going to have to find a place on their own.

Going forward is he ever going to get married or have a ltr again if he has his mother living with him permanently.

I know it feels like you will be going back a huge step and being on a low wage you think you will never own a house like the one you have again but it is something that you have to do.

You have things to lose by threatening and putting in consequences to his actions but remember so does he.

You don’t have to move out in order to get a divorce but you do have to live separate lives

hungrywalrus · 19/11/2019 08:53

And for what it’s worth, if you were my friend, I would have you and your daughters come and stay with us for a week or two. I know what it’s like to feel like your home is not your own. I hope you are talking to people about this in real life. It’s not fair for you to shoulder this on your own.

SunniDay · 19/11/2019 08:53

As divorce is a possibility (however remote) get evidence of any savings/investments and pensions he has or held jointly (basically photocopy any documents you can find/print off or save online stuff that you can access). Then if they vanish or he denied them you can prove them/get them offset against other assets.

Notwiththeseknees · 19/11/2019 08:54

I agree with Deathstare. I would be making life very uncomfortable for the pair of them. I'd move her things out of DDs room and get a 'put you up' in the sitting room AND use the sitting room as extra-normal. Watch TV over her snoring body. Every time the kids asked anything about her, reply with "I don't know darling, ask daddy". Soon as she gets settled watching TV, hoover over her feet. Dust right round her. If all else fails, put a lampshade over her head and stick her in the corner. Good Luck.

Iloveacurry · 19/11/2019 08:54

Just ignore her then. Take the tv remote back. Get on with your life and let her just sit there. Your DH deal with her.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 08:55

I cannot sell without DH on board and houses here don't sell well. most are on the market for 6-9 months.

OP posts:
TinyTear · 19/11/2019 08:58

and to lighten the mood slightly, how has she coped 6 weeks without eating Bacalhau! :grin:

WorldEndingFire · 19/11/2019 09:00

If you're intending on staying in this marriage, whatever happens with the MIL, it's probably worth improving your Portuguese as it would be a significant tool for you against OH's behaviour in this situation and would probably drastically improve your relationship with your MIL.

DeathStare · 19/11/2019 09:00

I cannot sell without DH on board and houses here don't sell well. most are on the market for 6-9 months

OP you seem really defeatist and I'm not really sure what you want out of this thread. The options aren't either put up with her or sell the house - many people have made many good suggestions about how to deal with this. And you've either ignored them or you've said "I can't"

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 09:01

tinytear, she quite likes fish & chips and actually prefers this. Blush

OP posts:
TinyTear · 19/11/2019 09:02

@losingthepl0t oh nooo! my parents still find fish and chips a bit odd Grin

BTW for reference when my parents visit they stay in a premier inn down the road, my excuse is that there are lots of stairs in my top floor flat and my mum is too old for it... and we don't really have a good spare room...

Pashazade · 19/11/2019 09:03

Have you considered hiring a translator for a couple of hours so you can have a direct conversation with her that doesn't involve your husband or maybe one that does so you know he's not spinning her a line that you're happy about it all....?

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 09:03

death, how can I sell the house on my own. DH and I are both on the deeds.

Besides, I love my home. I just want her out. I am so worn down by this situation. Totally deflated by now Sad.

I need to get my backside in gear and do something. you are right.

OP posts:
prettybird · 19/11/2019 09:03

Put a lock onto your bedroom door. Go to bed early every night and lock the door. Your (not so) dh can sleep on the sofa.

Keep hold of the TV remotes so that when you change the channel for the dds (or for you), she can't change it back - nor can your dh. Take them to bed with you Wink.

Cook and shop just for the 3 of you - your dds and you. If your dh doesn't respect that he and his mum/your MIL have overstepped normal boundaries of respect for you, then you are no longer bound by normal expectations of being nice to them.

Don't clean MIL's room. In fact, don't clean at all (except where necessary for your dds and you).

Visit a lawyer - if the mortgage is nearly paid off and your parents helped with the deposit, you will have a right to a larger share than you think. Plus with the dds the age that they are, you may not need to leave at all.

Don't even argue or discuss this at all with your dh. He knows why you are annoyed. Let him see that annoyance in action.

Weenurse · 19/11/2019 09:03

Suggestion of moving MIL things in with DH and moving in with DD is a good one, As is counseling.
Good luck.

Havaina · 19/11/2019 09:03

I am not serving her all day long. I am at work. DH is pandering a lot to her needs as well.

I would stop serving her. If she’s fit she can get her own meals or DH can sort it.

Stop doing her washing, no tea, nothing.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 19/11/2019 09:05

Sounds like she has been lonely and isolated living away from family and SIL has been running over to her to sort her out for years and wants a break. Using a translation app, can you talk to her and find out if she is unhappy? Would she consider moving closer to her daughter? If there is a solution to get to the bottom of it then you need to find it so you can talk it through with your dh. If the situation were reversed he would not be happy either and his approach is selfish.
As an aside, I would organise a sleepover for your daughters with at least seven girls and have them in the lounge from afternoon through the night with no noise filter. In the evenings, after sorting the girls, take yourself off to your room and stay there. If your husband is going to treat you like a lodger with no voice, start acting like one. Go out and stay out with your friends, take the girls out and run your life with just the three of you. You will be seen by her as a bad wife but he is being incredibly disrespectful.

Lolacat1234 · 19/11/2019 09:07

I can not believe this!! This is not a MIL problem as such - it's a husband problem!!! I'm gobsmacked he would make such a decision without your agreement and more to the point that he would evict his daughter out of her own room indefinitely! You really need to be tough with this I'm afraid, I know it sounds extreme and awkward but you need to move your daughter back into her own room and carry on as if she wasn't there, make it your husbands problem. I actually can't believe someone would want to live indefinitely with their mum lol I know my OH would tire of it very quickly and my MIL is lovely!!

bluebella4 · 19/11/2019 09:08

Can you go stay with your family?
I get a sense that his family had intended for this to happen- could she possibly be intending to stay for good?
I'd say no mater what you say nothing will change. I would put into motion you leaving until she leaves.

Best of luck.

WaningGibbous · 19/11/2019 09:10

most are on the market for 6-9 months Then what's to stop you getting an estate agent in to value it now? Perhaps coming home to a For Sale board out the front would focus your DH's mind.

simplekindoflife · 19/11/2019 09:11

It's a difficult one as although you're right, you will look like the bad one in this.

Put a kids channel on then hide the remote control. Or insist DH buys the girls a tv they can watch.

Do what you want, when you want and aside from pleasantries, just carry on as normal. Don't let her into your head space.

No sex. Tell DH that you can't possibly do it with mil in the house. (My DH would have her tickets booked home in an instant!)

Oldbutstillgotit · 19/11/2019 09:12

@losingthepl0t I don’t think you can change the locks if the house is jointly owned ( I remember this from when my first h was being an abusive arse) however there are things you can do :
Firstly , move your DD back to her own room . Your DC need space for homework , having friends round etc. Secondly , stop doing any cooking / laundry for her and your DH. Also refuse to let her change the TV channels if your DC are watching something.
You sound incredibly defeatist and I can understand how undervalued you feel but you have bern well and truly stitched up and need to fight back . Show your girls that you won’t be walked over. Good luck .

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 19/11/2019 09:13

This sounds like a nightmare. Have you asked about what happened to the original return ticket she should have used with SIL? Or do you think that was a lie?

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