Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mil thread

264 replies

losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 07:16

DH's mum is visiting. Dh is Portuguese and whilst his DSID came over 6 weeks ago, she brought their 80 something mum along to stay with us for 2 weeks. Plan was she would return with her DD (DSIS) again but DSIS has had an emergency at home and went home earlier without her Mil.

That was 6 weeks ago and mil makes no attempt of leaving. She doesn't speak English, my Portuguese is rubbish. Mil is staying in DD2's bedroom who has temporarily moved back in with DD1.

All fair and square but this was planned for 2 weeks and it's been 6. I asked DH when he intends to put his DM back on a plane but apparently, she doesn't want to go home yet, he wants her to stay as long as she wants, no returns booked, I am made out to be the bitch from hell as I try to get rid of Mil.

DH says it's his house and his mum and she can stay as long as she likes. I say it's my house as well and 6 weeks are plenty and I want at least a return date in the next few weeks. It won't be happening, I think.

I don't know what to do. She is from within the EU so no visa running out... just feels open end now.

DH won't sent her back, she is not wanting to go back. It's an old woman, not s piece of furniture I can take to the tip.

we have daily clashes over this. I know the problem is DH more than mil but I need to shift mil before I can deal with DH.

Also, she is sitting all day in the lounge, hogging the TV (kids cannot watch now at all), not engaging with the DC or helping at all (she is a fit 80 year old - I don't expect much help but she expects to be served 24/7).

I need some practical ideas. ltb won't help me. it my home and then kids home. so want my home back.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 19/11/2019 08:24

OP it sounds like you want an easy answer to this and I'm afraid there isn't one.

I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that she is staying unless you behave in a way that drives her out.

What was your marriage like before she arrived? If there were problems, is there any chance that this is your "D"H's way of trying to drive you out of your home?

If there weren't problems before she arrived then I think you need to decide whether you would leave your marriage over this, because it may come to that.

Whatever you do, I think your marriage is now on the brink. Anything you do to drive her out is going to create possibly irreconcilable problems with your "D"H, but while she is there and your "D"H ignores your feelings that also creates huge problems.

I think the first thing you need to do is to decide whether or not you want to save your marriage. If you do I would book the first appointment with a relationship counsellor you can get and tell him that either he comes with you or the marriage is over and stick to it. (You have a babysitter!)

If you don't want to save your marriage (and I'm not sure I would want to save it) then I would book the first appointment you can get with a solicitor and discuss what your rights are in terms of getting both of them out of your home.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 19/11/2019 08:26

I think it’s been planned for her to live out her frail years with her DS. She’s not n and refusing to go, doesn’t sound very guest like,

My Gm moved in with us “temporarily” after a hip operation. My mum insisted she had to help her mother recuperate... she recouperated, in our living room, until she died many years later. A bed replaced a sofa, we couldn’t use the dining table as no room. It was horrible.

I wish you EVERY bit of luck and strength to see this through @ d have her out, I think you and kids need to make it clear to your DH that he is choosing her over you and threatening your marriage and family home as this cannot continue. Are there any elder services that can help as your sil abandoned her and you cannot keep her.

Good luck op. Xx

GrimDamnFanjo · 19/11/2019 08:26

What a nightmare! I agree you need to speak to a solicitor to get info on what you may get in a divorce and use this to get your DH to engage!
What was your relationship like before this?

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 08:27

OP what have you actually tried. You've said a lot of "this wont work" "that wont work" but have you actually done anything?

I have raised it several times with DH which ended in arguments.i cannot raise it with mil due to the language barrier and her inability to make decisions for herself.

I don't know what I can actually do. What would you do other than raising it? I cannot physically remove either of them.

OP posts:
Lizzie0869 · 19/11/2019 08:28

I can't imagine why you would want to stay married to this man if he continues to treat you this disrespectfully. Calling you a bitch because you want your house back is disgraceful.

Original poster
losingthepl0t · 19/11/2019 08:29

marriage is not the best. ups and downs but we muddle through things. DH is not usually controlling etc. I don't really recognise him in this but here I am.

OP posts:
BouquetOfRoses · 19/11/2019 08:30

Your DH is being completely unfair both on you and your DDs. I agree this is likely to have been pre-planned by them. I'm sorry I have no useful advice beyond agreeing with PPs that your daughter needs her room back.

How was your relationship with your DH? Is he usually selfish & has he out his relatives ahead of you and the DDs before?

BouquetOfRoses · 19/11/2019 08:30

Just x posted

MsPavlichenko · 19/11/2019 08:32

You asked the legal position. I don't know what it is but you could see a lawyer to find out.

Doing nothing is not an option. Taking control of the situation (even a little) will stop you feeling so helpless.

Whiskers14 · 19/11/2019 08:32

Confront him. Ask if he planned this so his MIL would end up staying for good. See how he reacts. If he says no but you think he's lying, tell him what he's done is outrageous and you can't see your marriage continuing under these circumstances because the trust has gone. If he says no and you believe him, agreed a deadline for her to return maybe he wants her to stay for Xmas and book the flight. But I have a feeling he'll be lying to you.

TinyTear · 19/11/2019 08:33

Wow... just wow...

Just don't make her meals don't make her anything, if DH wants he can cook for her and buy the ingredients

Go and get pizza or take your daughters out to meals, leave them to sort themselves out.

AdoreTheBeach · 19/11/2019 08:33

Op, other than asking MIL when she is leaving, have you told her that the visit has gone in far longer than the two weeks your DH had agreed with you and that now she needs to go back home so that your family can go back to normal. That she can come visit again for a mutually agreed timeline to avoid any problems going forward? In other words, nice to see you but now time to go home. Any future visits need to be agreed with you too and for set time.

Would part of the problem be she is worried about travelling in her own? Ask her this. If she replies it’s up to your DH, tell her no - you own the house too and it’s up to you too. Tell her direct that her staying so long after the agreed 2 week visit is now causing problems between you and DH and with the DC. Be direct. You need her to know you see not consulted in staying, it is your home and you’d like to visit to end.

Lastly, as it’s been 6 weeks, if the original plan was only a 2 week visit, she wouldn’t have winter clothes/winter coat. Has she brought these with her?

SunniDay · 19/11/2019 08:34

I agree it doesn't sound like your MIL is going anywhere and I fear you might have to choose between living with her and filing for divorce. If you are married you will be entitled to split the house/any savings and any pensions or trade them off against each other so potentially if you have savings (either of you) and your husband has a decent pension due you could try to keep the house if you gave up any rights over those. It all depends but don't think "it's his house" so you won't get anything. That's not how it works in a long marriage.

Do you have a dining room or any other room that you can put a bed in for MIL. Put her her own Tele in there too. Even better if your husband has a space he used such as a home office and he can come home one day to find it vanished into MIL's bedroom.

Agree with PP if there is money from a property in Portugal you should have it to extend or move to somewhere bigger if she is staying. Preferably making her some largely independent accommodation.

TinyTear · 19/11/2019 08:34

And if you can get a cheap TV for the bedroom, if she wants to hog the TV leave the sitting room for the children who have more right to it

and if she doesn't speak English WTF is she watching?

ItWasntMyFault · 19/11/2019 08:38

It sounds like it's time for your dds to start playing loud music and have lots of friends round taking over the lounge as often as possible!

TinyTear · 19/11/2019 08:39

honestly this seems totally planned. I am from PT even though I haven't lived there for 20 years but can't think of how this is acceptable.

And having had a 80yo grandmother and having close to 80yo parents i wouldn't stand for it - and they want to stay home. im even finding it odd she wants to be in the UK

i think the SIL is also to blame and won't want her mother with her - and being in PT she would be the logical choice...

is the SIL older? is your DH the golden child?

SunniDay · 19/11/2019 08:39

Another thought if your MIL lived alone in Portugal but here you are waiting on her hand and foot is there is a danger that she will quickly lose her skills, strength, musle tone etc (due to inactivity and age) and become dependent much more quickly than she needs to be. She needs to keep active and do what she can herself.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/11/2019 08:39

Will there be issues after Brexit of her staying indefinitely?

MissMoiselle · 19/11/2019 08:40

OP I speak from experience when I say that an 80 year old lady in Portugal knows how to take care of herself. If she doesn't have any serious health issues, make her help you out around the house, like dusting, doing laundry or preparing food. The problem I've encountered with my relatives from Portugal is that they assume they will be catered for by family members because they are guests. Wrong. 6 weeks is a long time. Does your DSIL maybe feel like it's your DH's "turn" to take care of their elderly mother now? From a cultural point of view (when comparing to the polite Brits Wink), Portuguese people are not afraid to speak their mind so don't beat around the bush. If your DH is too chicken to tell his mum she is overstaying her welcome, could you book a flight ticket for her to go back? Again, speaking from experience, it's not unheard of in my family circle for relatives to "visit" for a couple months.. nip it in the bud while you can!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/11/2019 08:40

OP cannot your parents talk some sense into your husband? Get your extended family involved too and see what he has to say for himself in front of them, My parents and I am approaching 50 would sew him up like a kipper if they thought I was being treated as you are...you need back up pressure to be applied...I would try that.Within 5 mins of your parents arriving you will know where you stand with him and his mother. I agree with others though he has moved her in .This is no holiday.

DeathStare · 19/11/2019 08:41

I don't know what I can actually do. What would you do other than raising it?

Well OP you've had various suggestions on here:

  1. Make life so uncomfortable for MIL and DH that she leaves - pack her stuff and move it out of DDs' room, prevent her accessing the TV, have your own guests round, etc
  1. Move yourself and your DC out until she is gone.
  1. See a solicitor and find out what your rights are.
  1. If you want to save your marriage then insist he comes to see a counsellor with you to resolve this.

These are all things that other people would do Granted, none of these are particularly pleasant options - but I don't think there are any pleasant options. I think you are looking for some magic words you can say to your "D"H that will make him decide to book her a flight, but there aren't any magic words. If you want your MIL out you are going to have to get tough and do some of the things people have suggested. If you don't want to do any of those, then you need to accept that MIL is now living with you and that you have chosen not to fight that.

MaryBerrysBomberJacket · 19/11/2019 08:41

I'd tell your DH that you want marriage counselling; it will probably take another person telling him how utterly ridiculous the situation is before he will act. Failing that, I'd leave him personally. Not leave the house but I'd tell him you want a divorce.

Life is too short for this bollocks and your children deserve better.

AtillatheHun · 19/11/2019 08:44

@SunniDay makes an excellent point- from experience, I know how quickly an 84 year old loses strength and muscle from day to day pottering about to sitting down all day - to the point of needing to go to rehab to learn it all again. I remember the signs around the hospital - it's something alarming like 25% of a person's strength gone in just a couple of weeks and then it's all cumulative. On that basis, stopping doing stuff for her is entirely for her own benefit!

BeanBag7 · 19/11/2019 08:48

I don't know what I can actually do. What would you do other than raising it?

Change the locks
Move yourself out
Move DDs stuff back into her bedroom
Remove the TV, refuse to cook or clean for MIL, put locks on the bathroom and kitchen

There have been a lot of suggestions, some more drastic than others, but just discussing it clearly isnt working.

Foslady · 19/11/2019 08:48

Could you afford to sell up and rent somewhere cheaper? Maybe an EA board in the garden might make your husband realise you are serious