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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my BF all alone on christmas day?

88 replies

somethingelse12345 · 18/11/2019 20:35

Bit of a moral dilemma... to explain been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I love him but my mum doesn't like him, long story, she doesn't want him staying over round her house over christmas. None of us have a car so he'll have to stay over xmas eve and xmas day, which she doesn't want. She's in her 80s and believes he's 'no good' for not wanting to marry me. She doesn't want "a strange man" in her house. Yes really. (It's a cultural thing. if we were married it'd be different.)

But the worst thing is that he'll be all alone on Xmas day, unless he gets another invite. In the past he's gone to friends, but he hasn't had an invite yet. He's in a new flat-share so don't know who will be there on xmas day. His family are in another country so can't spend Christmas with them either.

I'm feeling so bad for him and so guilty, Surely it's sort of a 'sin' to know someone will be alone on Xmas day and not have them round!? I need to spend xmas with my mum as she's not going to be around for long. If it was up to me I'd spend it with him, but it's not possible this year. What should I do? My mum is all alone – and my BF is all alone! Either way I'm just going to feel guilty. It just feels so unfair and i'm not looking forward to xmas this year at all. . Any advice very, very much appreciated.

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 18/11/2019 20:39

Is your mam I’ll or do you think she’ll not be around for long because she’s 80?
I think I’d be telling her to suck it up and invite him for Christmas. Bit uncharitable of her.

xmasbamechange · 18/11/2019 20:40

Does your mum know he’s going to be alone? If so I think it’s incredibly selfish to put you in this position

BlackSwanGreen · 18/11/2019 20:41

Would it be possible for you to invite them both to yours? Then DP needn't stay overnight (assuming he lives closer to you).

cocomelon23 · 18/11/2019 20:42

Are you saying she's not going to be around for long because she's 80 or is she ill? If it's because she's 80, she could live for another 20 years possibly.
I would not leave my bf of 5 years to spend Xmas on his own (unless she is actually ill and this is likely to be her last Xmas)

YouTheCat · 18/11/2019 20:42

Can she come to you instead?

Doyouavocado · 18/11/2019 20:44

Unless your mum has a better/valid reason that you haven’t mentioned for not liking him I would choose to spend it with my BF. I presume you have spent the majority of Xmas’s in the past with her anyway and she is being incredibly selfish.

Singlenotsingle · 18/11/2019 20:44

Spend the morning with her, and then go over to him for the rest of the day.

TimeforanotherChange · 18/11/2019 20:46

Invite them both to you. If she chooses not to come that's up to her.

Ellmau · 18/11/2019 20:47

Could someone get a taxi?

ZaphodBeeblerox · 18/11/2019 20:47

Not what you asked, but since your mum is 80, I assume you’re 40 or so? And bf is presumably similarly aged? Do you want to get married? Is it a new relationship?

If he’s a new ish boyfriend and you don’t live together then fair enough. If he’s a long term partner, I’d be questioning if he really is a good choice if my mum sees him as not being good enough.

Berrylove · 18/11/2019 20:50

It sounds rude but I’d just bring him along with you, you wouldn’t want either to be alone on Christmas Day, and maybe if they spent enough time together in a festive period he might grow on her. He’s your bf and she shouldn’t be putting you in an awkward position anyways. I’d understand if you were still living at home and having family Christmas’s but your grown up now so it’s much different.

user1490607838 · 18/11/2019 20:50

I agree that you can go spend the morning with your DM and the rest of the day - 1pm onwards - with your boyfriend.

What a horrible situation to be in.

Is there no way to resolve this @somethingelse12345 ?

TheTrollFairy · 18/11/2019 20:56

Tell your mum it’s both of you or neither of you.

SunniDay · 18/11/2019 21:00

Invite your mum to yours for Christmas (and assuming your boyf lives close to you) have him round for the day but he can head home if your mum is not comfortable with you not being married and you want to respect her views.

Original poster

somethingelse12345 · 18/11/2019 21:01

This is so hard to explain but my mum has always been extremely controlling over everything. She doesn't budge an inch. And it's hard to stand up to her (yes I'm in my 40s, it's very sad I should be past this by now, but she's never been an easygoing person and I've never been able to get her to see my point of view or respect me as an adult).

Yes, we've talked about marriage but it's far off in the future, as he's new in this country he's been trying to establish himself in a new career. I'm more than happy to wait, I'm in my 40s so not in a rush to get married these days. If younger I probably would be! My mum thinks he's taking the piss and that he's "having his cake and eating it" etc and that kind of thing, so she doesn't respect him, which is the hard part.

She doesn't know yet that he'll be all alone, I don't tell her that much about him, as she knows about him but never, ever asks about him. I think she'd rather I didn't have anyone.

If I could i would go NC, but I can't as I'm too much of a stupid dutiful daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

somethingelse12345 · 18/11/2019 21:03

My mum never comes to mine as she doesn't like my place. I visit her every week. I much prefer that as then I don't have her come round. All she'll do is judge!

OP posts:

FlashingLights101 · 18/11/2019 21:03

Your IP implies this has happened at least a few years previously as you say in the past he has gone to friends' houses. So why are you doing this year on year? It seems a bit unfair of you to be honest, if I were him and you were choosing your mum over me every year I think I'd be a bit upset.

FlashingLights101 · 18/11/2019 21:04

*Your OP, not IP...

onthecoins · 18/11/2019 21:07

Choose the person who doesn't make you choose.

Spend the day with your BF.

Fireextinguished · 18/11/2019 21:07

Time to prioritise your relationship with your boyfriend. Your mum sounds toxic

rededucator · 18/11/2019 21:12

Maybe a Christmas alone will make your mum re-evaluate her selfish stance.

stucknoue · 18/11/2019 21:12

Is renting a car for a couple of days an option, you could then drive to your mums for the day with him.

I must admit though your mum has a point that you've been together 5 years and he's living in a flat share - that's not normal for 40 somethings, I would be concerned too

RB68 · 18/11/2019 21:18

yup you visit her every week - so its possible to do a visit to her and come back to boyfriend - I would visit her either side of Christmas and leave it over Christmas and whilst there will be guilt, try and enjoy the period together. She will not be there forever and this is your life you need to lead it.

I do know where you are coming from though as I have a Mother in Law like this ... we are awful children as we are forcing her to travel North for 4 days in a 5 star hotel everything laid on ...

Frenchw1fe · 18/11/2019 21:19

I would tell your mum that she has you both or nobody. She may even like your bf once she gets to know him.
Seriously my dm is 84 and my df 89, I don't know how long they'll be around but they wouldn't be ruling my life, you don't know how long bf will be round. People die at all ages.
Also you visit your dm every week so does she really need a visit on Xmas day.

I know it's tough but you have to stop being a doormat for your dm.

Skittlesandbeer · 18/11/2019 21:19

Sorry, but why is it up to someone to invite your BF somewhere for a Xmas meal? A woman presumably?

Can’t he put the word out among his friends that he’s cooking/organising something himself? Sort himself out and provide some Xmas spirit of his own? I can’t quite see why if he doesn’t come with you he must be Poor Orphan Annie, sitting hungry in the dark on his own.

Also Xmas is a whole season. Plenty of people celebrate on other days. It’s not like the 25th is the only time for you two to do something together? Your mum won’t be around forever, and you’ll have many years of doing things exactly as you prefer. I’d prioritise mum (even if she is difficult) and shrug off all the rest of the drama. If someone doesn’t want houseguests, there’s not much to be done.

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