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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my BF all alone on christmas day?

88 replies

somethingelse12345 · 18/11/2019 20:35

Bit of a moral dilemma... to explain been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I love him but my mum doesn't like him, long story, she doesn't want him staying over round her house over christmas. None of us have a car so he'll have to stay over xmas eve and xmas day, which she doesn't want. She's in her 80s and believes he's 'no good' for not wanting to marry me. She doesn't want "a strange man" in her house. Yes really. (It's a cultural thing. if we were married it'd be different.)

But the worst thing is that he'll be all alone on Xmas day, unless he gets another invite. In the past he's gone to friends, but he hasn't had an invite yet. He's in a new flat-share so don't know who will be there on xmas day. His family are in another country so can't spend Christmas with them either.

I'm feeling so bad for him and so guilty, Surely it's sort of a 'sin' to know someone will be alone on Xmas day and not have them round!? I need to spend xmas with my mum as she's not going to be around for long. If it was up to me I'd spend it with him, but it's not possible this year. What should I do? My mum is all alone – and my BF is all alone! Either way I'm just going to feel guilty. It just feels so unfair and i'm not looking forward to xmas this year at all. Confused. Any advice very, very much appreciated.

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/11/2019 22:16

I no longer see my mother on Christmas Day.

Your mum could keep going for 20 years yet (unless there's something you haven't told us)
This year you're spending Christmas with your boyfriend. After five years together, it's about time you did.

Does your mother have friends?

CorBlimeyGovenor · 18/11/2019 22:20

Well, your mother does n't know that he will be all alone so you could at least tell her that. And why do you need to stay over? If you visit her once a week, surely she doesn't live too far away? Could your BF not join you just for lunch and then have the keys to your place if you live closer? Failing that, he should invite some friends over. If his family live abroad and he lives in a flat share, he's bound to come across others in a similar position.

Alicia1234 · 18/11/2019 22:21

I have a similar mum so I can understand.
If she's 80 chances are she won't party much into the night. Can't you spend Xmas eve and morning with him and go meet your mum for lunch?

Drum2018 · 18/11/2019 22:21

Time to make a stand. Your mother could live to be 95. Are you really going to spend every year thinking this could be her last? Invite her to your house for Xmas dinner. If she doesn't want to be there because of your partner then tell her that's her decision but you need to stand firm and tell her you won't be changing your plans. Does she have siblings who would invite her? In any case she needs to learn that she does not get to control what you do. You could go to hers for Boxing Day.

orangeteal · 18/11/2019 22:26

I think it's quite shocking you're in your 40s, being dictated to like that and leaving someone you supposedly love on their own Christmas Day. Grow up and have Christmas with your boyfriend, if your mum wants to see you she will back down, if she doesn't, that tells you all you need to know.

Original poster
somethingelse12345 · 18/11/2019 22:28

Thank you for replying, it's really great to hear all your opinions.. been tying myself in knots about it. I know I need to make a decision.

He's living in a flat share because he lived abroad for a long time (15 years). Prev relationship ended so he came to London. He's also changing careers which took time but he's working in his chosen career now, so onwards and upwards. It's easy to judge him for being in his 40s and not own his own home but many people have had lots of ups and downs in life and he's one of them. He's lived all over the place and he's had more of a life than me, that's for sure!

Choose the person who doesn't make you choose.

Thank you. He knows what my mum is like, in fact he was the one who pointed out to me that I've had an emotionally abusive childhood. I didn't even wake up to it before. He understands, and he's never made me choose. In the past he's always had other options for xmas, but this time I don't think he has, so I'm feeling the pressure. Not that he's said anything to me.

Don't dress it up as dutiful daughter. You are terrified of the old bat. You are so scared of her you will hurt your boyfriend.

Yes. But hurting him is what I'm trying not to do. He doesn't deserve it.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 18/11/2019 22:30

BF of 5 years and new to this country - were you in a relationship before he came here? I not then 5 years is along time to be not sharing your life together. Is there a reason you don't live together or have plans for marriage? Have you discussed this?

Maybe your mum has a point. Do you plan to make your relationship more than just GF/BF?

TowelNumber42 · 18/11/2019 22:36

So don't hurt him. Tell your mum you have decided to spend Christmas with your boyfriend because that's your long term relationship. You'd love to see her too but since she won't make him welcome you have no choice but to miss out on seeing her this Christmas.

Make it absolutely crystal clear that it is her making the decision, not you.

JemSynergy · 18/11/2019 22:52

I'd be spending it with my boyfriend. I wouldn't have anyone control what I do no matter how elderly they were.

NearlyGranny · 18/11/2019 23:04

Christmas is a 12 day season, OP. There's room to spend time with both of them.

Based on PP's brilliant advice to 'choose the person who doesn't make you chose,' I'd stand up to your DM and tl her you won't be put in the position of being forced to choose between two people you love but will be spending Christmas Day at your own house where both she and your BF will be welcomed. If she chooses not to come, you will happily visit her on any of the other 11 days of Christmas with or without your BF.

Job done.

Leeds2 · 18/11/2019 23:17

I'd spend Christmas with my boyfriend, and go to your mum's on either Christmas Eve, or 27th.

TatianaLarina · 18/11/2019 23:41

I’d do Christmas at yours and tell your mum she’s welcome to join.

Butterymuffin · 18/11/2019 23:50

Were you going to stay the night of Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day at your mum's for transport reasons? That sounds awful anyway if she's controlling.
I would be inclined to tell her your boyfriend is taking you away for a few days over Christmas so you'll see her before and after. Then you can just have a relaxing time with him.

glitterfarts · 18/11/2019 23:51

Agree with @TowelNumber42 - So don't hurt him. Tell your mum you have decided to spend Christmas with your boyfriend because that's your long term relationship. You'd love to see her too but since she won't make him welcome you have no choice but to miss out on seeing her this Christmas.

Make it absolutely crystal clear that it is her making the decision, not you.

What if your BF doesn't want to marry you because you won't put him first? Why are you prioritising an abusive/controlling mother over your BF of 5 years?
Pick the BF. Your mother could live 15+years more, plenty of people live to mid 90's these days.

TriangularRatbag · 19/11/2019 00:08

You should absolutely spend it with him.

Herocomplex · 19/11/2019 00:10

@somethingelse12345 what is it you’d like to do? I’d do that for once, and make a New Years resolution to do it more often. Then go to the Stately Homes thread and get some advice about boundary setting and choosing a more positive approach to your own wellbeing.

Herocomplex · 19/11/2019 00:12

@silencebeforethebleeps I’m really sorry to hear that your DH does that. Do you have DC’s? Are you ok?

LendAnEar · 19/11/2019 00:16

Jesus Christ you need to grow a spine!

'Mum, this year I'm doing xmas with (BF name) at my home. We'd love for you to join us Smile Let me know asap so I know how much food to buy'

It's not bloody hard! Your Mum walks all over you because you lie down like a plank and let her. Stand up for yourself and your boyfriend!

Alicia1234 · 19/11/2019 04:31

@LendAnEar it's not bloody hard to you cos you're not her and know nothing about her history, upbringing. Her mother could be a narcissist for all we know. My mum filled me up with guilt trips from early childhood and I can honestly say, although I could very well stand my grounds with anyone else, it has been my life mission with her, and to this day I still struggle even tho I hate and can't understand it.

1forAll74 · 19/11/2019 05:08

Don't be worrying so much OP. Lots of people will be alone on Christmas day etc, me included,and I am an oldie...and don't mind at all..

I think that you should go to your Mums really, despite your thoughts on everything, you can never really change an older persons ways. and you will make her happy as in being with her. You have years ahead to do things differently with your man, and it will make you happy,to know that you cared for her. despite worrying about your man right now.. And hopefully,he will understand you.,and your decisions.

Baboomtsk · 19/11/2019 05:13

If or when you get married is a matter for you and your boyfriend. Not your mum and not Mumsnet posters.

I'd just spend Christmas with your boyfriend if I were you. Who knows, standing up to your mum might actually improve your relationship with her.

Chesntoots · 19/11/2019 06:20

I agree that your boyfriend has a girlfriend problem...

How many times have we seen the reverse of this? My dad was a bit like your mum and the pressures you face growing up do shape you, but at the end of the day you are an adult and you need to put a stop to this now.

MsChatterbox · 19/11/2019 06:46

Just tell your mum your boyfriend will be alone for Christmas so you will be bringing him over.

ittakes2 · 19/11/2019 06:55

Its tricky because if she was younger I would tell her she either needs to get a grip or spend christmas alone. But at her age...get him an airbnb nearby or bed and breakfast for one night.

Branleuse · 19/11/2019 07:40

Id tell her that youll do xmas with her on the 24th or 26th