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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my BF all alone on christmas day?

88 replies

somethingelse12345 · 18/11/2019 20:35

Bit of a moral dilemma... to explain been with my boyfriend for 5 years, I love him but my mum doesn't like him, long story, she doesn't want him staying over round her house over christmas. None of us have a car so he'll have to stay over xmas eve and xmas day, which she doesn't want. She's in her 80s and believes he's 'no good' for not wanting to marry me. She doesn't want "a strange man" in her house. Yes really. (It's a cultural thing. if we were married it'd be different.)

But the worst thing is that he'll be all alone on Xmas day, unless he gets another invite. In the past he's gone to friends, but he hasn't had an invite yet. He's in a new flat-share so don't know who will be there on xmas day. His family are in another country so can't spend Christmas with them either.

I'm feeling so bad for him and so guilty, Surely it's sort of a 'sin' to know someone will be alone on Xmas day and not have them round!? I need to spend xmas with my mum as she's not going to be around for long. If it was up to me I'd spend it with him, but it's not possible this year. What should I do? My mum is all alone – and my BF is all alone! Either way I'm just going to feel guilty. It just feels so unfair and i'm not looking forward to xmas this year at all. Confused. Any advice very, very much appreciated.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/11/2019 21:20

Some people like spending Christmas on their own. It's only sad to spend Christmas alone if you're unhappy about it.

So, the first question is: is your boyfriend happy or not bothered about spending Christmas alone. If yes, then spend it with your mother.

If no, then it's time to take the reins of your life - you could wait til she's dead but really that could be a lonnnnnng time - and look at some of the options PPs have suggested, going alone or with your boyfriend for some or all of the time. When you've decided, offer her two options - that or you not coming at all.

Singlenotsingle · 18/11/2019 21:23

Your mum's too possessive. She doesn't want to share you, does she? It wouldn't matter who you were going out with, she wouldn't like him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2019 21:23

Why isn’t it possible for you to not spend it with her this year? Your boyfriend has every right to be incredibly hurt you’re choosing her over him and I think you’re wrong.

Fairenuff · 18/11/2019 21:24

I wouldn't want to be a partner who put their mother before me. You are not a child and if you want to be in a grown up relationship you really need to stand up to your mother.

Luaa · 18/11/2019 21:27

I think you should spend it with your boyfriend and not let your mum dictate your life.

I also wonder if your mum has a bit of a point though, you've been with your boyfriend for 5 years, so how new to the country could he be? And you don't even live together, so I'd assume it wasn't that serious.

Cherrysoup · 18/11/2019 21:29

Will your mum otherwise be alone? My mum is her age, she’ll outlast all of us! Don’t let her pull the ‘Might be my last Christmas’ bollocks. I think I’d be spending it with the bf.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/11/2019 21:37

"Can’t he put the word out among his friends that he’s cooking/organising something himself?"

I don't see that working as most people have Christmas dinner with their own families so it's normal for the ones left alone to be invited rather than do the inviting.

Divebar · 18/11/2019 21:39

I’d be cooking at mine and be inviting mum over (with boyfriend obviously). If she declines then that’s entirely her decision and you will have fulfilled your obligations as a dutiful daughter.

acornleaf · 18/11/2019 21:42

Great advice onthecoins "choose the person who doesn't make you choose" 👏

TowelNumber42 · 18/11/2019 21:44

Your boyfriend has a girlfriend problem. Five years together and you ditch him to spend it with your abusive mother. Not good.

Don't dress it up as dutiful daughter. You are terrified of the old bat. You are so scared of her you will hurt your boyfriend. That's not being a good person or dutiful. I would be reconsidering the relationship if I were him.

Elieza · 18/11/2019 21:46

If be moving heaven and earth to spend some time with each of them. Join a car club and hire a car for the day or pay a friend to drop you off at your mums for lunch and book a taxi to take you to bf’s or home and he comes round for the evening and you stay the night together at yours or his. It’s been five years. That’s a long time. With a bit of luck if you get engaged at some point your mum will be much happier. Whether or not you get married.

Catsandchardonnay · 18/11/2019 21:50

Choose the person who doesn't make you choose.

^^ this

Choose your BF OP. Your mum sounds toxic anyway.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 18/11/2019 21:55

Could you not stay with your mum Xmas eve till mid afternoon then spend the evening with Boyfriend? Or could he not come for lunch then bugger off home? In a taxi?

Interestedwoman · 18/11/2019 21:55

I think @Elieza makes a good point, that you can try and do both somehow. It's all very well posters saying you should cut the apron strings with your mum, but statistically speaking (to be a bit autistic about it) the average life span of a woman is 82, so you're right in your OP to say you don't have her for much longer.

This isn't how it is for life- I think most boyfriends would/should understand you feel you have to see a mum who's on her own and in her 80s on Xmas day.

percheron67 · 18/11/2019 21:56

Why all the fuss? It is only one day. My daughter will be away and I shall be on my own as I have the last fifteen years! If you are on your own, take advantage and eat when you want to, go for a walk when feeling like it and generally please yourself. Thousands of people do it every year. NO big deal.

Pixxie7 · 18/11/2019 21:56

Sometimes you need to be a bit selfish do what ever you want to do at the end of the day it’s one day, nothing magical. You can always go to your mums another day.

Nanna50 · 18/11/2019 21:57

What does your BF think? You say he’s new to the country but 5 years is not that new unless you previously had a long distance relationship.

You need to spend Xmas how you want to. What would be the consequences if you didn’t go to your mums?

BumbleBeee69 · 18/11/2019 22:03

Personally, I'd be telling your BF to find another Girlfriend.. one that supports their relationship and respects him enough to not leave him sat alone at Christmas whilst she's off having dinner with a Mother that controls her, ESPECIALLY after being together 5 years.

silencebeforethebleeps · 18/11/2019 22:05

My DH does this to me every Christmas, because his family don't like me. I'm not in a hurry to find a solution to be honest, I'd rather be all alone than with people who don't want me there.

DianaT1969 · 18/11/2019 22:06

Does he even want to spend the day with your mum? Surely he'd have a better time on his own, or out for a pub lunch. You mention he is from abroad, is Christmas a big part of his culture? Can you drive? Hire a car and spend 2 hours with your mum and the rest with your boyfriend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2019 22:06

Do you have a partner who is binning you off to spend Christmas with someone who dislikes you and doesn’t respect your relationship percheron67? Because that’s what OP is planning to do. Unless your situation is similar it’s not particularly relevant.

TatianaLarina · 18/11/2019 22:11

Is he the same age bracket as you OP?

FavouriteSoul · 18/11/2019 22:11

Spend Christmas day with your boyfriend. Book a table somewhere, invite your mum along too, so she can't be judgemental about your home. Alternatively go away for Christmas, just you and him. Don't be beholden to your mother. Just because she's 80 doesn't mean she gets to dictate what you do. She could be around for another 15 or 20 years.

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/11/2019 22:14

My DH does this to me every Christmas, because his family don't like me.

Jesus Christ, why is MN flooded with women who behave like doormats?! I was sure when I woke up this morning that it was the 21st century.

EustaciaPieface · 18/11/2019 22:15

When my dad turned 80 I decided that we’d need to go to visit him every year at Christmas as he might not be around forever. He’s nearly 92 now! So this year I’ll visit my partner’s family. You do have options. Hope it works out ok, I feel for you xx

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